I Need To Tell You Something

 This is a difficult post for me to write, so I'm going to start right in and not worry too awfully much about structure and correctness. It's important for me to share this so that I can avoid awkward questions later on and truly share the Joy to come.

Many of you recall that three years ago, almost to the day, (I was writing every day then, too) I wrote a post titled The Best Thing That Happened To Me This Year. In it I wrote about my eldest son Jared moving out of his apartment and into the home of his girlfriend and her three children who went on to call me Nana. A few posts throughout the subsequent months referred now and then to my grandchildren. I love them dearly.

Sadly, Jared and their mother became increasingly unhappy. There were too many obstacles to overcome. They separated, and Rick and I tried to stay in the kids' lives. It was very difficult, but I persevered, especially with the (then) eight-year-old. I would always respond to her FaceTime and text. I got her and her brother and sister birthday and Christmas gifts. Soon, I began to see her confusion that we were not invited to family gatherings for occasions. She would text Are you coming? Are you on your way? I knew that this little girl didn't need more upheaval in her life, what with a biological father, two sets of grandparents already, the father's girlfriend and her children, and her own family. And what would happen if her mom became serious with someone? More grandparents? It was time to let her go. Luckily, she was becoming busier and busier with friends and summertime/school activities. Our contact was becoming less and less frequent anyway.

My grief at losing them--especially her--was overwhelming. I didn't feel comfortable sharing it. It seemed ethereal; as if the Having and then the Losing weren't real. I carried it heavily for more than a year. Now, it's lighter, but very much there.

I wanted to tell you this because I have Important Joyful News. Jared is getting married to a wonderful woman named Jordan in September. She is perfect for him. Even more Joyful is that they are having a baby on Monday. We already know it's a boy. Chances are that I'll be referring to all that here at some point, and I want to be able to do so without confusion or questions.

It's a little bit painful for me when people say, "Oh! Your first grandchild!" Because, you see, I was very much a grandmother to three children already who called me Nana with genuine love and respect. Even people who know about the other three say this, and I know what they mean. I know they aren't trying to be hurtful or dismissive. Perhaps I just need more time.

And none of this mitigates my Joy for this brand new grandson. Or for my son and his wonderful fiancee. 

Thank you for being the kind of people to whom I can tell this story. I appreciate you.