Sunday, March 24, 2019

The Lesson Of The Rap Star Cow

Longtime Readers here at the Dept. know these two things about me already, but for any New Readers, I will provide you with the Short Version of the necessary Exposition:

1. I love cows.
2. I love car rides.

Number two has many exceptions, but suffice it to say that when I am bored, fussy, and feeling stressed like a colicky infant, it's often a good idea to strap me into the passenger seat of the car and take me out to look at things. The promise of ice cream (or pie) if I behave is not insulting to me in the least.

One of our regular car rides takes us past a particularly attractive herd of beef cattle pastured meditatively on some rolling acreage with the typical red barns. My irritation with this group of--let's call them cows for the sake of simplicity--cows is that they never wander close enough to the road so that I can get a good look at them. Instead, they prefer to stroll and munch much farther away. One cow especially is my favourite; I saw it late last fall when it was a little closer than the others. It was exceedingly tall and almost blue-black and, when it turned toward the road, it had a startlingly white face, unlike the rest of its compatriots. I'm crazy about this cow. I even named it.

I call it Ghostface Killa.

Now, I have no idea how that name came to me, and I know it's not Original. And it's certainly not a Very Nice Name for such a lovely cow. The real Ghostface Killah is actually an American rap artist, about whom I know absolutely nothing. And I definitely don't think this ghostfaced cow is a killer itself, nor that it goes around killing ghostfaces. I'm fully prepared to lay the blame for this name at the feet of my Google Newsfeed, if you want to know the truth. For all I know, it could have stuck a bunch of references to Mr. Killah (I don't spell my cow's name with the final "h") in my daily articles last year, and my brain hung onto them.

Who knows?

On Friday Rick had occasion to drive that way, so naturally I asked him if he saw Ghostface Killa in his travels. After he stopped laughing, he said, "No, Nance, but I was driving. If I'm the driver, I can't always look for cows. That's sad, but that's the way it is."

Ah, so true! Being the driver makes us miss a lot of perfectly wonderful cows along the way. Don't you think so, too?


Monday, March 11, 2019

Signed, Sealed, Delivered...Well, Sort Of

Some Smartypants Thinkerhead once advised that if you are ever angry at someone, you should write him or her a letter. In that letter you should state your feelings in great detail about the situation and really let loose all the anger and frustration within you. Then, says Dr. Thinkerhead, tear up that letter. In that way you have the benefit of the Catharsis without the Damage.

It's pretty decent advice, but I feel like it was given in Ye Olde Dayes, well before Ye Internete, so I'm going to update it a little, and dash off a few missives here. (Hell, I'm being Olde Fashionede as it is, writing Letters on a Blog.)

Dear Google Newsfeed;

Why, Google Newsfeed, why? Why do you insist upon including stories about things in which I have Zero Interest and have never, ever clicked on anywhere? I get why there are stories about Lebron James and the NBA power rankings in my newsfeed; I have a fantasy team and do a lot of research. I understand why stories about Aretha Franklin's tribute suddenly popped up. But I cannot fathom why stories about The Konas Brothers or the Jardashians or Kick/Noe Konas and his wife Chiyanka Propra* are a recurrent and prominent feature.  Trust me when I tell you that not only do I have No Interest in these individuals, I also have--now!--for them all an exponentially growing Anathema.  *(I hope, Dear Readers, that you can figure out who I mean. I am afraid to use their real names, lest Blogger, owned by Google, tells my Newsfeed--wrongly!--that I'm a fan.)

Why, Google Newsfeed, do you refuse to let me delete these stories to improve your algorithm? How much longer do you think I'm going to let you Be The Boss Of Me?

Your News Is Not Good News,

Dear Dog Breeders Who Advertise In The Cleveland Plain Dealer;

I get that Dogs are your thing and not Spelling. It might be worth thinking about, however, that One Never Gets A Second Chance To Make A First Impression.


Dear FineLife Products;

I many questions. What kind of salad component is a bottled or canned beverage? What in the hell is HOMEGATING? If this is a Salad Bar, why is there only one bowl of a salad-like foodstuff? And, finally (perhaps most importantly to some people), where are the bacon bits?

For The Good Life,

Waiting to hear from you in Comments.

original image Vermeer's "A Lady Writing"

Monday, March 04, 2019

Monday Meme: Nature

It's March, and as a lifelong resident of Northeast Ohio, I know this means Zero about the arrival of Spring. Point of fact--today's high was 21 degrees; with the wind chill, it felt like 3. There is a light dusting of snow on the ground with a threat of more most of the week. Still, I'm aware we're better off than our seasonal brethren in Michigan, Wisconsin, and most recently, New England.

March makes me weary. It's a long, sloggy month with an Identity Crisis. It's Not-Winter and it's Not-Spring. My father, surprisingly chauvinistic at times, used to call it the Women's Weather Month because it's so changeable. That always irked me, but I do like the idea of Nature being Female (although the term Mother Nature, not so much).

Despite Her many vagaries, I am a great appreciator of Nature (in part, due to my father), even when She does Her level best to irritate the hell out of me with things like snow in general, wind when I'm trying to sleep, squirrels badgering my birdfeeders, and mice breaking into my garage or, worse, my house.

Let's try and Manage March with a Nature Meme:

1. What part of Nature do you like best?
Trees, especially flowering trees.

2. What natural phenomenon would you like to see?
I'd really love to see a full display of the Northern Lights.

3. Is there an animal that you find awe-inspiring?
Lots of them. I recently spotted a bald eagle completely unexpectedly; that took my breath away. When I went whale-watching, I was awed. There is something about elephants that always touches me; they seem to have such an ancient, inherent dignity.

4. Have you ever ridden on a horse or any other animal?
I've always wanted to ride a horse. I've ridden a camel!

5. Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?
I love my granddog Zydrunas wholly and completely, but I am a cat person at heart.

6. Which version of (You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman do you like best, Carole King's or Aretha Franklin's?
I'll always have a soft spot for Carole King's version. Her Tapestry album is part of the soundtrack of my life. But when I think of that song, it's Aretha I hear.

7. Are you a Natural Woman (or Man), or do you avail yourself of a little Help?
I get by with a little help from my friends Mascara and Tinted Moisturizer. I'm far too lazy (and cheap) to colour my hair since it would require endless maintenance, and I'm too scared (and cheap) to get any cosmetic surgery (hospital infection! complications! wasting money!). I've even broken up with Blush for the most part. (Do they even still call it that?)

Your turn. March forth in Comments.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...