Tuesday, November 03, 2020

Third In The November Series: Ways To Win My Heart

Today's topic seems a little sappy to me. It makes me think of Dudley Do Right, that cartoon from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. He was a cleft-chinned Mountie who always defeated the arch-villian Snidely Whiplash. Snidely constantly tied Nell Fenwick to the railroad tracks and Dudley constantly rescued her, trying to win her heart. (This never worked, however; Nell said Dudley was simply "too good.")

I, however, never liked Bad Boys, and ended up with one of the best Good Boys. He didn't so much win my heart as come to the same conclusion that I did, almost immediately, that we were simply a complete set.

If I were going to break it down now and look at it in a more general way, I'd say that there are definitely several ways to win my staunch love and loyalty pretty much forever.

Ways To Win My Heart

1. Be Authentic:  I'm always exactly who I am, no matter who I'm with and no matter where I am. I might clean up my language a little, but what you see (or read) is what you get. I believe in being forthright, direct, kindly honest, and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I would expect the same from you. My father called it "being down to earth", and he valued this in people, too. We don't have to have the same tastes in things. We can disagree on some philosophies and do it respectfully. I respect individuality and people who are genuine.

2.  Be A Listener:  I've been in a lot of one-sided relationships where I've done all the emotional heavy lifting. I've done all the supporting and listening. When it came time for me to unload a little of my own emotional baggage, they didn't want to hear it. Or they simply turned the focus back onto themselves. Or they said, "I can't handle that right now; I have my own stuff to deal with." It's vital to me to have someone who not only Listens, but Hears what I'm saying.

3.  Show Compassion:  And not just about me, but the world at large. I want to know that you care about people and animals and nature. I want to know that you think of others, and not just the people in your own back yard or state or country. Are you moved by stories of suffering in communities that are not your own? Do they compel you to kindness? It's important to me that you are humane and not afraid to show your feelings. 

4.  Say The Five Words:  There are times when I get overwhelmed or just batshit crazy about things. I might be stressed about legitimate demands or emotional circumstances, or I might be overthinking something relatively mundane. That's when I need to hear The Five Words:  I'll Take Care Of It. Ah! Instant relief, like stepping into air conditioning from the heat and humidity of an oppressive August day. Those Five Words are verbal jammies. They are a linguistic massage. They tell me that I can stop being the grownup for just a little bit, that I can have my dessert of deep breaths before my dinner of responsibility and obligation. Pour them into a stemmed glass, and you have a fine, fine vintage.

Now that I've let you in on the secrets of winning my heart, so to speak, you can answer one or both of these questions in Comments:  What are the ways to win your heart? or Which of my four ways is also the key to winning your heart? 


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29 comments:

  1. I'm lucky to have found the person that compliments my personality. Things I am good at, Steve is not. Things he is good at, well, I'm really glad HE is good at those things. So, how to win my heart?

    1. Don't man-splain ............treat me as an equal.

    2. Pull your own weight in chores ............I am NOT your mama.

    3. Be yourself in all situations --------I hate people that are one way in a group and do a 180 when it's just the two of you.

    Thankfully ..........41 years of marriage means I found the right one. Well, at least in my eyes and really? That's all that matters.

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    1. Dee--I emphatically agree with #2 in a marriage or committed relationship. Anyone can make a bed or wash a dish or use a washing machine. Or, if it comes to it, change, bathe, and feed a child.

      Likewise, there's no Men Only label on gassing up a car, trimming hedges, or power-washing the deck. Division of labor is all about playing to one's strengths, chipping in for the good of the family, and keeping things running smoothly.

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  2. Well, that was weird. My comment just went 'flash' and vanished. If that [censored] printer is contagious, I am really sunk.
    I love very few people or things. Very few. But those few, very strongly. I think most of us, wittingly or unconsciously, have a public person and a private one. My private one is not one of whom I am proud, and I do my best to keep her suppressed. The suppression probably makes me talk more than I should.
    Listening is hard work, real listening that is.
    Oh Nance, there is so much poverty and misery so close to my home that it is hard to go past it and I often do not. The latest is our local Legion organization (retired and ex servicemen and servicewomen) lacking funds. This whole shut-down thing is pernicious, it really is.
    It is probably me saying that I will do it, when no one else steps up. But it makes me really cranky.

    We bought a new bottle of corn to make popcorn with while we watch the show tonight. Rotten Canadians that we are.

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    1. Mary G--Someone else said that they had a disappearing comment. I've yet to experience that, thank goodness.

      Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have prickly personalities that we keep at home, I'm sure. As I always say, I am on a path of continuous self-improvement. We cannot possibly be Wonderful all of the time.

      It really is a tough time for so many organizations and charities. And now with the virus completely in full resurgence, it's going to get tougher. Pernicious is a good word for all of this.

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  3. I have to say I agree with you 100% Nance. Those are all some of the most important things to me too. #4 is one I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing often but when it happens it's wonderful! Even with my husband 99% of the time he's the one who gets stressed and freaks out and I'm the one saying I'll take care of it. I love the man but swear he's like having a fourth kid lol!

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    1. Martha--I'll tell you this: one day, I simply told Rick about the Magic Of The Five Words. I said, "Do you know what the most wonderful thing you can ever say to me is, when I'm like this, under the gun and totally stressed and crazed?" And then I told him, and I told him why. He was, of course, rather stunned and clueless that it would be such a big deal. But he never forgot it.

      I get that you're The One. I am, too. I'm always The One who takes care of stuff, people, you name it. It's exhausting. But give him a chance to be The One once in a while. Just tell him.

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  4. I like and agree with your 1, 2 and 3 ways to win a heart. But I really don't like having people tell me they are going to take care of something that I should be doing myself, makes me feel like a failure. Not that it's happened much if ever in my life. I'm pretty much too organized for people to assume I might need or want help.

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    1. Jean--I think you've completely misunderstood The Five Words. It's not about shifting my important responsibilites off to someone else because I'm disorganized or failing at my job.

      It's about having a partner who is emotionally connected and empathetic to my needs enough to know that I'm in need of a lifeline; that this person knows he/she can take one tangible thing off my plate so that I can take care of my immediate emotional needs, which are overwhelming me.

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    2. Okay, I get what you're saying now.

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  5. Well, Show compassion is a must for me.
    Allow me to have a bad day, and don't take it personally.
    Understand why one with 4 cats wants a 5th

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    1. kathy b--Yes, yes, yes, to your second one. Sometimes, we are just crabby, and IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. That's a biggie. Not everything is someone's fault.

      (I'm not going to weigh in on 5 cats.)

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  6. I think my biggest and most important way to win my heart is to know when to hold me (physically or virtually) and then, know when I need to be alone.

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    1. Anni--Excellent. Me, too. This is tough, though, isn't it? I think it's important to speak up and say what you need, rather than expect the person to be a mind-reader.

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  7. I like the 5 words that win your heart. As long as the subsequent actions do what the words say, my heart is won too.

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    1. Ally Bean--Absolutely, the follow through is critical. Even if it is something as simple as tossing eggs in the pan and calling it dinner, do what you said you'd do.

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  8. All four of yours are mine too. I find I'm pretty easy to please when people are their authentic selves.
    I'm so lucky that my husband is the 'I'll take care of it' person in my life as things that often overwhelm me don't seem to bother/upset/disrupt his life as they do mine. It's nice to have someone to count on.
    Oh, and Dudly Do Right; I forgot all about him. Why oh why didn't the nitwit see what a wonderful guy he was?

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    1. BB Suz--I think that's one of the coziest things about a good marriage, that you have each other to count on if one of you just can't handle being the grownup at a certain point.

      I watched a couple of old Dudley Do Rights for the heck of it. They were funny and had some very smart writing!

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  9. Blah, your blog is eating my comments. I tried a different computer and browser with the same results.

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    1. J--It's the sidebar loading that is the problem. I've stripped out all the third party stuff, and it still takes forever. If you don't wait for it to completely load, it won't save your comments.

      Delete
  10. Authenticity is key for me. I don’t understand people who cannot be honest about who they are, and don’t understand why they would want to.

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  11. I like a good sense of humor, but not someone who seems like they are trying to be a stand up comic. Not someone who is “ON” but rather, someone who is genuinely funny.

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  12. There, I got it all in. Outsmarted your blog comments issue! I wonder if anyone else is having the same problem?

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    1. J--Whew! Thank you so much for persevering. I'm troubleshooting it, and can't find the problem. If you use a touchpad instead of a mouse, any sweep can trigger a random delete or new page command. I have no idea why.

      Anyway...

      I completely agree about the sense of humour. I also don't like anyone who makes jokes or tries to be funny ALL THE TIME. Not everything is a joke, and not every moment calls for a quip. Sometimes, being serious and not trying for the laugh is called for.

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  13. I took one of those love language quizzes & I'm overwhelmingly Acts of Service. Tell me you love me? Great! Give me a hug? Awww. Bring me a present? Gimme! Empty the dishwasher? I WILL LOVE YOU FOR ALWAYS! I have a fantasy that I come home one day & Dr. M has vacuumed the house, or cleaned the toilets (those are the only two things that he never does - we take turns on all the other tasks).

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    1. Bug--Same here. I love little surprise gifts, but if you put away all the groceries or tell me you're ordering takeout so I don't have to plan or cook dinner, that's better than diamonds or chocolates.

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  14. I definitely miss hearing Smokey say, "I'll take care of it." Now I have to be the one in charge all the time and while I appreciate it when friends offer to help, there's a fine line to walk there. I am a competent woman after all. Smokey and I always had what we called ARs. Areas of responsibility. Those times did not always fall along stereotypical lines. There were just things I was more comfortable doing and things he was more comfortable doing. We would consult with each other before, during, and after but one of us would take the lead. I do miss that.

    I need to improve my listening. I tend to be a "fixer" and sometimes that means I don't want to listen to everything that has occurred. I simply want things to get much, much better so I kind of barge in.

    Authenticity is essential. It takes so much more work to not be authentic that I simply never understand those who are not. Yet there are many who are not authentic.

    Smokey was one of the most compassionate folks that I know. I sometimes wonder how many folks such compassion exists in. I see far more of the "let-me-get-mine-screw-you" mentality these days. (Well, unless the compassion is under the sanction of a church and religion and then the parishioners are all over it!) It shocks and saddens me.

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    1. Just want to add that simple caring has always won my heart. Smokey "wooed" me with red carnations, pistachios, and Nesquick (and he loved telling that story!). All were definitely favorite when I was in college but it was the fact that he cared enough to question my roommates on my favorite things and then present all to me in a paper bag at our shared workplace that really moved me.

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    2. Shirley--Simple caring seems so...simple, yet some people lack that intuition. They are oblivious to the simple things that could be Difference Makers. Part of that could be a streak of selfishness or a lack of empathy. Part of it could be that they are used to Being Told.

      Smokey was so naturally thoughtful and kind. He was one in a million, that's for sure.

      Even as a competent woman, you and I still need a break now and then from Being The One. It's exhausting to do it all the time. Knowing when to Pick Your Spot is tough, but it's important to take some time off from Command Central.

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  15. Thank you for your words on Smokey, Nance. They're so true and very much appreciated.

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Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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