Friday, July 30, 2010

Rantings Confessions Of A Summertime Fatass

Summer is making me a fatass. Our unusual heatwave (double-digit days in the 90s here in my little corner of NEO just in July alone) coupled with rainforest humidity has turned me into a hermit. My slothfulness has reached Epic Proportion here at the Dept. as I putter around with Little Projects in my airconditioned inner sanctum. Along with the usual duties of light Domestic Goddessing, I do nothing more strenuous than water and garden, play and snuggle with the kittens, catalog the wines in the cellar, and concoct (and then eat) new recipes; all of this threatens to nudge me ever closer to needing a...more generous wardrobe.

It's awful. I feel...marshmallowy to myself. Like I should be wearing a toque and a kerchief and, if poked, should giggle amiably. Probably that would not happen. This exchange might be a bit illuminating:

(Scene opens on Rick and Nance in livingroom, watching television. An ad comes on for Red Lobster, announcing "Crabfest" for a limited time.)

Nance: Wow. Their Crabfest is only for a limited time.
Rick: I heard that.
Nance: Whereas the Crabfest around here goes on pretty much endlessly.
Rick: Lately, anyway.
Nance: Are you lucky, or what?
Rick: Umm...yes?
Voice from TV: We know what you want.
Nance: Sigh. How can that be? Even I don't know what I want half the time.
Rick: And the other half of the time, I don't.
Nance: It's when those times coincide that we're really in trouble.
Rick: Don't I know it.

And I am not one for The Exercise. Ugh. Don't even, as they say, "Go there." No, I prefer a Strict Regimen of Total Deprivation And Suffering. (Total Deprivation for me and Suffering for pretty much everyone who has the misfortune to come into contact with with me for however long it takes before I feel less...doughy to myself.) So save it. Spare us both the dewy-eyed yammering about "endorphins" during some pre-dawn 5K and increased energy and boosted metabolism and hyper mental acuity and all that other bullshit that just makes me batshit and urges me to grab one of my chef's knives and carve a roast out of my thigh.

Been there, done/heard that. Thanks.

Perhaps I should, as my Penance/Hair Shirt, start a new food blog and call it Fatass Food Blog. On it, I'll give the recipes (and post the requisite "food porn" pictures) of the Summertime Wonderfuls that are contributing to my Gustatory Shame Spiral, starting with:

1. Antipasto Pasta
2. Warm Brie with Fig, Onion, and Balsamic Compote
3. Guacamole Supreme
4. Grilled Flatbread Pizzas with Fresh Mozzarella and Homemade Pesto
5. Peanut Butter Banana Bread (chocolate chips optional)
6. Rhubarb Nectarine Crisp
7. Sweet Corn and Tomato Salad

Among others.

And the wine is not helping, I'm certain. Oh, and have you tried this? Very pleasant for an easy little patio refresher, sadly, and part of The Problem. (Once I located the missing cap to my good cocktail shaker. Who put it in the small teapot?)

Tonight, we are going to a party. Luckily, it is Outdoors, and you all know how I feel about Eating Outside. Additionally, they are Beer People. Another benefit. Perhaps my Crabfest will be for a Limited Time Only as well.


  1. Right there with you, hon. Feeling more doughy all the time. Gotta do something about that. I suspect the wine is the first thing to go, since it's not only empty calories, but I also snack more when I drink in the evenings. Sigh. I'll miss it. But I can't fit in quite a few of my things, and I really miss them more than the wine. Maybe.

  2. I used the same word, marshmallow, this evening to describe my stomach these days! OMG, how to take care of this before I start the new job?!

  3. Great conversation between you and Rick, per usual. (Those Crabfest commercials seem like they come on every few minutes here.) It's a crying shame that alcohol has to be a contributing factor to "doughiness." It just doesn't seem right, you know? And, that blood orange martini sounds good and I don't even drink martinis. I'm fantasizing about one now though. Refreshing drinks have certainly been needed this summer.

    We've been eating our fair share of steamed crabs, which I love. Enjoyed a few last night with family and I've got the puffy/tight fingers to prove it today. Still I want some crabs to go with the blood orange martini I'm fantasizing about. And, BIL gave me a bottle of his fox grape wine last night; it's actually pretty good. So no end to ways to get more doughy or marshmallowy. BTW, have you seen those giant marshmallows that Campfire has come out with? Son and friends brought them on a recent camping trip. One of those might be equivalent to 4 (or more!) regular marshmallows. So far, I've stayed away from them. (I only weaken for marshmallows for my gluten-free version of S'mores once or twice per summer.) Enough rambling, but a Fatass Food blog would be fun for a while. Certainly what you've been making sounds wonderful!


  4. Shirley--Not sure if you (or anyone else, for that matter) understood, but the Crabfest around the Dept. is mainly me being crabby a lot lately. LOL.

    Our local grocery store had a different brand of humoungous marshmallows last year, both vanilla and strawberry. I got them immediately, of course. I am crazy about marshmallows. They were spectacularly horrid. Like Silly Putty. Now that I know Campfire, a trusted quality brand, makes some, I am conflicted. I desire them greatly--thanks A LOT, Shirley--but I know they will not help me in my quest to become less "Campfirelike" myself. Sigh.

    RD--Good Luck with the NEW JOB!! How exciting for you. Just show up fluffy and then start trimming down while you're there. They'll be impressed with your resolve.

    J.@jj--I am remembering my 3x a week dreadmill workouts, 2 miles a night, and the memories of that are scaring me straight. Also, I am convincing myself that I am pre-menstrual, pre-menopausal, and suffering from Generalized Malaise. Also, retaining water. (How am I doing?)

  5. I don't think this is the reaction that you're looking for, but your foodblog would be awesome and your post just makes me want to drop by and hang out at your house! ; )

  6. Speaking of humoungous marshmellows,I had a dream the other night that I ate a 25 pound marshmellow...When I woke up my pillow was gone!

  7. Nancy--GROAN! That one is older than us BOTH!

    Anali--Oh, thanks! You can have any of the recipes that you want. Just email me. And if you're ever in NEO, let me know. You can hang out here anytime; little more room now that Jared and Sam have moved out. Hope you're not allergic to kittens, though.

    As far as starting up another blog, though...! Been there, done that. ;-)

  8. Anonymous1:11 AM

    Speaking of marshmallows, I just had smores last night. Delicious :-)

    Oh, and I might be starting a new blog in the next week or two. I'll keep you informed.

    - Mikey G.

  9. I confess that I gained back all the weight I lost (20 pounds) during my hospitalization and recovery. SO BUMMED! New regimen begins today, though. In earnest. I have not yet begun to fight!

  10. aplo--and i'll bet it was easier (and more pleasant) going on than coming off. hate that.

    Mikey--i haven't had real s'mores in ages. every once in a while, i cheat and make the ersatz Microwave S'mores, but they hardly count. Look forward to the new blog.

  11. Eat and buy Spanx. You heard it here. The best way to handle marshmallow midriffs is to squish them down, just like a toasted marshamallow trapped between two graham crackers.

  12. I would like the recipe for No. 2.

    V-Grrrl is so right. (Although perhaps we need a comma after the word "eat"... just in case we get really hungry.)

    Coincidentally, I was just watching Wanda Sykes doing a routine on this very subject. She has named her midriff Esther, and admits to wearing Spanx because, apparently, Esther is overly fond of martinis and cheesecake.

    The word verification is "maticari." I'm thinking that would be a good name for a midriff.

  13. My daughter is obsessed with her midriff, know to everyone around as the muffintop. She is diligently counting calories via an iPhone app to banish it from her life. I, on the other hand, have embraced my inner and outer midriff, and have much in common with the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

    My word verification is "chinki". Also a good name for the midriff.

  14. Nance, you would have an overwhelming response from that Fatass Blog. It would give everyone all kinds of interesting vicarious pleasure without necessarily adding poundage. I want the guacamole, please. No chips, just a really big spoon.

  15. sputnik--don't encourage me. LOL. I made guacamole last night for our dinner. Not quite "supreme" for I lacked some components, but it was ridiculously wonderful. i had avocados that had to be used IMMEDIATELY, so really, i had no choice. but truly, that was our dinner, period. it's wonderful being Empty Nester Grownups and not having to cook or be Sensible for mealtimes! If you want the recipe, email me. There's a link in the sidebar should you need it.

    LaFF--I went to see my mother yesterday (I hope someone is keeping score!) and started crabbing to her about my Recent Fluffiness. She stared at me critically and said, "You look really good. You're not so drawn in the face. I don't know what you're talking about. I bet Rick doesn't either. Have you eaten anything today?" I hope you are more supportive with your daughter, whether you buy into her perception or not. ;-)

    Ortizzle--Like most frequent cooks, I have a SortOf recipe because I don't really measure when I make up these recipes. I hope that you are an instinctive cook too, so that you can follow the skeleton recipe I give you. RE: your grammar comment, I smiled when I read it. I think it's meaning is okay and implied; it would be disastrous otherwise had the order of the verbs been reversed. LOL.

    V-Grrl--Grrrrr...who wants to wear a girdle in the summertime? Or ever? I balk at bras ANYTIME, so that kind of restriction would slay me. Even at my thinnest--which some would tell you was deathlike--I detested even a waistband sometimes, so the idea of Spanx except for a killer evening dress is anathema. Look at your own word choice: trapped. The connotation there is very telling.

  16. I was kidding about the grammar, although reversing the verbs would have made a big difference.

    In the kitchen: I never measure anything except for cakes and the like because I do not have enough experience or confidence to do that kind of stuff without being very serious about a level teaspoon of baking soda. For everything else, I use the 'ojímetro', meaning that I just eyeball it, and bung in what looks right, and keep tasting as I go along.

  17. Last summer I had myself convinced that I could no longer eat ice cream from Twist n Shake because it upset my delicate tummy. Really helped with the jiggliness of summer.

    But this year, my tummy must not be so delicate. Way too much ice cream around here.

    Luckily it's so hot in this house, I'm just sweating it off!

  18. Sister Susan4:41 PM

    Rhubarb Nectarine Crisp? WTF? When did you make this and why didn't I get any?

  19. Sister Susan--Oh, it was incredible! Not sure when I made it; not too long before this post, but remember, I cook for only two now, esp. when it comes to desserts. That's why you didn't get any. That, and you never come over...! ;-)


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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