Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How MSNBC.com Made Me Think Of Underwear, My Past, And My Talent For Sleight-Of-Hand

Ever since CNN.com screwed around with its web page format, I have relied more on MSNBC.com as my go-to online News Source. (And do not get me started on how Google News has completely alienated me with its Utter Annihilation. I'm Just Not Over It.) MSNBC.com says it brings me "A Fuller Spectrum Of News."

Holy Crap. They are not kidding.

Today, MSNBC.com boldly proclaimed that I could view something newsworthy called "Biggest Bra Moments." Naturally, I was initially intrigued, as an English teacher and Defender Of The Language, by the ambiguous placement of the modifier. Would I be viewing Moments of the Biggest Bras? Or are these the Biggest Moments In Bras? Because, really, either way, as a woman whose antipathy of this Egregious Garment is well known, I couldn't imagine why MSNBC.com would deem either one newsy in the least. Oh, titillating for the male readership, certainly, but as for the average female readers, it would cause nary a ripple of interest.

I clicked on the link and saw the first few slides of outrageous brassieres: the requisite Madonna cone bra, Lady GaGa's firework-shooting bra, one of Cher's bikini-topped Bob Mackie creations. I was--and remain--largely unimpressed. Those aren't really "Bra Moments" as far as I'm concerned. Those are just costume bikini tops. Maybe when Lady GaGa's started to shoot the fireworks, then okay. But other than that, no Moments. And doesn't Janet Jackson's "Wardrobe Malfunction" at the Superbowl count? Or no, because it wasn't technically a "bra," per se, but more of a corset thingy?

All in all, kind of a disappointment, really. So, I'd like to offer you a brief rundown of some of my Personal Favorite Bra Moments. Because I'm here for You, My Readers.

1. Teenage Idiot Moment: Back when I was probably 17 or so, my friend Marci had a blue Mustang with a sunroof. We used to go joyriding in it on the weekends. We'd sometimes go into downtown Cleveland and just drive around and be Teenaged Idiots. Sadly, this was like 1976, and I would be sometimes--not often--a bit inebriated in this pre-MADD, pre-alcohol-awareness age. One of my favorite things to do was to perform the Take-Off-My-Bra-Under-My-Shirt Maneuver, then fling it triumphantly forth in my hand, stick it out of the sunroof, and wave it around as we drove through the streets of Downtown. Why? Why, indeed.

2. All Summer, No Bra: A few years ago I was pretty sick and then recovering. I lost a great deal of weight...everywhere. The downside was that I looked skeletal. The upside? Basically, no boobs. I spent the entire summer in those little shelf-bra camisoles, which were the only sleeveless things that fit me, and they doubled as bras. Total comfort. Let me tell you: When I can get away with it, I eschew the brassiere entirely for those camis. Bless whomever came up with those. I have about eleventy thousand of them in all different colors. Priceless.

3. Completely Inappropriate Parking Lot Maneuver: Hey, listen. We all have Those Days when a certain bra is nigh unto killing us, and when we have had enough, we Have Had ENOUGH. As soon as I can get into my car, I do the TOMBUMS Maneuver (See #1, above), and stick that Torture Device into my purse. Of course, I make sure that there is No One Around! And I have gotten so incredibly subtle at The Maneuver that it merely appears that I am scratching a spot on my back or adjusting my shoulder seatbelt. Do longsleeves deter me? Ha! It is to laugh.

4. Unfortunately Timed Maneuver: In case you did not click on the embedded link above, here is the story for Your Convenience. If you already did, well, skippity doo dah down. Several years ago, the neighbor women behind us moved away. They did not inform me of exactly when their last day of residency was. One day, as I was performing the ritualistic Removal of the Bra While Still Wearing the Shirt maneuver at my back kitchen window, and was at the Triumphant Flinging of the Brassiere from Under the Shirt move, I caught the eye of our new neighbor who was outside on his deck, inspecting his new backyard. Oops. Strangely, this must not have made much of an impression. He has since told my husband, "In all the years I've lived here, I've yet to even see your wife!" Hmmm.....I am re-reading #2.

It's my feeling that I've been far more edifying on the subject of "Biggest Moments In Bras" (note the cleaned-up grammar) than MSNBC.com. It would be lovely if you could add your Memory Moments as well. If not, I'm sure you can find something to chat about anyway.


  1. So when you saw Jennifer Beals do it in Flashdance, you were like, Oh, yeah, whatever. I do like to think of the poor 16 year old boys seeing you with your bra in the air. They're so excitable at that age.

    My most embarrassing bra moment? Or most memorable? Well, I went body surfing in a bikini once, and was dumped on my head and shoulder, and my top turned out to be backwards. I was in so much pain, I could not have cared less about that stupid top.

    And yeah, I have a bra, a strapless number, that after a certain amount of time MUST COME OFF.

  2. Are you sure I have never told you my most memorable bra story? In case I haven't, here goes.

    I was swimming in the very rough surf at Ocean City, N.J. when a huge wave came in, knocked me over, and took off the top of my two piece bathing suit.

    As I hurried back to my towel on the beach, I was trying to cover up by holding my large bosums in my arms when a young boy ran up to me and shouted," Hey,Lady, if you're going to drown those pups, will you give me the one with the brown nose?"

  3. ACK! Nancy, our stories are so similar, and yet, so different. The moral of the story seems to be, only swim in the ocean in a one piece!

  4. I remember one time I was with a tour group in Germany & I was wearing a turtleneck & sweatshirt. Since I had so much coverage I decided not to wear a bra. Then as we were out & about the day got MUCH too warm to be wearing a turtleneck AND a sweatshirt. However, just taking off the sweatshirt wasn't an option (I had a small amount of shame). So I took the turtleneck off from under the sweatshirt - without taking the sweatshirt off. My friend took a picture of me doing it. It was quite the engineering feat!

  5. My Mom, who was small in the Boobal Dept., performed the TOMBUMS maneuver every Sunday after church. Also the TOMSUMS...Take Off My Stockings Under My Skirt. My daughters are also skilled at said maneuvers. I, however, have yet to master the technique...

  6. Melissa B.--Oh, yes. I remember my mother and my sister losing the pantyhose after church! Thanks for reminding me.

    The Bug--Good one! Honestly, we women are Way Talented. Amateur Strippers, all of us. Hmmm....

    Nancy--Why don't I completely believe you? LOL.

    J.@jellyjules--Oh, I'm sure no 16-year old boys saw. Not in downtown Cleveland, anyway. Mostly old drunks and partiers. Hee hee. I've never been bodysurfing, and I never plan to, but did you know that some brave souls bodysurf Lake Erie in winter in Clevland? Yep, before it freezes, when the waves really are whipping up. Here's one article about it. If you google 'surfing in cleveland, ohio' you can even see some viddy.

  7. J.@jj--The article, I now see, is a really, really old one, but the surfing is still major. Very hard core. The article has some outdated ref's to beach conditions, but the gist is there.

  8. I wish I had had a bra to whip off and wave at sixteen. My most memorable is not a moment but years of being so flat chested that if I wore a bra it immediatley snapped up practically under my chin. Made an ugly line under a sweater, let me tell you. This in the era of Marilyn Monroe and cone shaped cups. Sigh.
    I still wear the shelf bra camis - love them.
    The word verification is expit - a short form of explicit, no doubt, as in bra stories. Or maybe expity -- that's what I just typ(o)ed.

  9. I had just bought a "tube bra" at Penney and it was so comfy it was amazing. I was driving through the center of our small town and stopped at the main intersection, where there were many pedestrians. While first in line at the red light, I realized the tube had rolled over and fallen under my insignificant endowment. It cracked me up and I started laughing hilariously, while simultaneously grabbing myself to correct the bra. People in the crosswalk were watching me laugh and grab my boobs at the same time.

  10. I don't have any bra moments (obviously), but I do have an epic underwear moment. I was vacationing with my mom in Ft. Lauderdale, and we headed back to our eighth story hotel room after a swim in the ocean. I didn't have a bathing suit, so I wore shorts with underwear underneath. When I went to the balcony to shake the sand out of them, the underwear flew off and landed on top of a light post about fifty feet below.

    They stayed there for about a day and a half before (I'm assuming) Mother Nature took them for her own.

  11. Mikey--LOL! What a great Underwear Story! I wish you had a photo, and I'm surprised that you do NOT. You know, I've often driven or strolled down streets and seen odd things in odd places (shoes, shirts, etc.) and wondered, "How in the hell could that have even GOTTEN there?" Now I can add another possibility! Hee hee.

    sputnik--Oh, I remember Tube TOPS. I have never been Amply Endowed either, and used to be able to wear those in my late teens. HOWEVER, you're right: If they decide to begin The Crocodilian Death Roll Of Fashion, you're helpless. All you can do is laugh!

    Mary G--I will NEVER give up the camis! I prowl the clearance racks like a crazed lion on the African Savannah. I buy them whether I have anything to wear with that color YET or not. AND, when I finally got a bra fitting and came away with a couple of slightly padded ones which I started wearing, a very frank friend looked at me, looked at my chest and said, "Hey. Where did THOSE come from?"

  12. I found a very large bra that someone had abandoned on the street. No, I didn't pick it up, but I do wonder if it's not related somehow to reading this post.

  13. I remember my first bra. Sort of like a cut-off elastic undershirt, popular at the time. I think they were called "grow cups." A misnomer for sure, but it served its purpose, which was to have something to wear under my gym suit in the 7th grade. It seemed really cool, in fact, until the first time I had to change into my gym suit and saw that the girl next to me was wearing A Proper Bra. Size 34DD. At 12 years old.

    Other memories that stand out are more to do with going bra-less, popular when I was in college. I wore fairly baggy clothes, so no one really noticed. Except my mother who used to say, "Aren't you wearing A Bra?" To which I replied, "If you have to ask, does it really matter?"

    I do have a few other bra stories, but I can't write about 'em.

  14. Ortizzle--Mothers can always tell. My mother still admonishes me now, as if it really matters. I swear, she would prefer I wear one to bed.

    apathy lounge--or mikey's comment! LOL.


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