Sunday, March 25, 2007

Spring Cleaning...Of My Head

My brain has been binging on random outrage for months now, so it's time to purge. I really wish there were a way to organize these little bulletins, but there isn't. It's like a cerebral minefield, so put on your flak jacket and step carefully!

*I am absolutely certain that there is no reason to have any more media coverage of the following individuals (and it pains me to even list them by name, so I will refrain from even typing their more commonly used monikers here): A.N. Smith, Brittney S., and Rosie O'D. and her supposed "feud" with Donald T. Stop it immediately. These "personalities" are not news. Good Heavens; enough is enough already. I think one of them is dead, even. Let. It. Go.

*In the newspaper there was an ad for a pet store and guinea pigs were being sold for THIRTY-FOUR DOLLARS! This is unequivocally absurd. When I was eighteen, I worked in the pet department of a discount store and we sold guinea pigs for EIGHT DOLLARS AND FORTY-NINE CENTS. Now, granted, this was almost thirty years ago. Okay. But, in that time, have guinea pigs been bred so extensively that they are now FOUR TIMES BETTER? What, are they self-cleaning? Do they...oh, I don't know...SPEAK PORTUGESE? OR GUINEA? Do they no longer pee constantly, requiring you to clean the cedar shavings of their home almost daily? Because, let me tell you: I owned, in rapid succession, three seriously cute guinea pigs (Eric, Cory, and Toby), but they were definitely NOT worth $34. And, let me also say this: I had no idea that ferrets, which are distinctly skinny, hideous-looking animals which are basically snaky, stretched-out guinea pigs, are horrifically overpriced at an alarming $129! This would be laughable, were it not a tragic case of robbery!

*The neighbor women behind us moved away. They did not inform me of exactly when their last day of residency was. Today, as I was performing the ritualistic Removal of the Bra While Still Wearing the Shirt maneuver at my back kitchen window, and was at the Triumphant Flinging of the Brassiere from Under the Shirt move, I caught the eye of our new neighbor who was outside on his deck, inspecting his new backyard. Clearly, a little notice from the previous tenants would have been in order . One never gets a second chance to make a first impression.

*If The Angel of Death continues to "stand behind Alberto Gonzales", I hope he gives him a good, hard shove.

*Now that it's Easter, I'd better be seeing a helluva lot more bunnies on tv. I think bunnies in general are a vastly underused source of marketing. Seriously, now. What is cuter than a bunny? And don't say "a baby." I've seen plenty of ugly babies in my day, all redfaced and squish-headed. And you know you have, too. Being a highschool teacher is no picnic in that department: students are always bringing me their babies or pictures of their babies. First off, I get irritated sometimes because I know darn good and well that I'm paying for that baby in some capacity. Secondly, I have to gloss over my own disappointment that the student has made That Mistake and now has been derailed in his or her education/life goals and may never get back on track, but here is this blameless child and I have to cluck and coo over it. Thirdly, if this baby is really and truly ugly--and some are--I have to say something nice! So, I say, "Oh my! Look at those little rosebud lips!" Or, "Look at you! Just look at you!" Or, "Aren't you just something!"

But, I digress. I was talking about bunnies. And bunnies are just cute. Why aren't they used more often? For like, lotion or fabric softener or bubble bath or blankets or something? Even at Easter, we don't see enough of them. My boys know I love bunnies, and so whenever we begin talking at dinner and the conversation runs awry into tense territory, like why their room is such a hellhole, suddenly Sam will yell out "bunnies!" And usually, I will get a far-off smile on my face and the whole diatribe just melts away. Seriously. Try it. Right now, think of something unpleasant. Got it? Now just look here:

(photo courtesy of

See what I mean? Who doesn't love a bunny? The word even looks cute.

*Today, I was watching "Meet the Press." One of the few Republicans I respect was on, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania. Arlen is the ranking member of the Senate Judiciary committee and is one of the biggies who is trying to get Harriet "almost a Supe" Meiers and Karl "Turdblossom" Rove to have to testify under oath and in public about their role in the firings of the attorneys general. Arlen is attempting to broker a compromise. I wish he would have attempted to broker a compromise between his sportcoat and his tie this morning. Arlen, honey, pink striped cravats with foulard print do not harmonize well with a burnt sienna tweedy plaid coat. I'm telling you, I almost could not concentrate on Sen. Specter's astute analyses with all that going on. I am so serious. Bad fashion is just so...overwhelming. And for me to go all ADD when politics is at stake...well, you know it was bad.

*I don't get "dog people." And please don't try and make me. Dogs are worky. You might just as well have a kid. At least Jared and Sam, now that they are older, do not have to be taken outside and watched. And I do not have to hire a babysitter for them when I am away for extended periods of time. And they had the added bonus of not shedding. Ever. And although Sam used to randomly reach up and squeeze breasts though he was never ever breastfed, neither of the boys embarrassed me by burying any part of their body into anyone else's privates. EmilyCat and TravisCat do not have to be walked, do not bark, and do not have to be kennelled. I can leave for a week and just put out extra food and water. And while I do not enjoy having a shitbox in my house, it is better than having to take them out in foul weather and/or having a wet animal in my home. I like most dog people when they realize that I am not one and accomodate that fact. Non-cat people don't have to worry at my house: Emily and Travis hate everyone who is not The Dept.

Okay! I think I'm done now. This is so much better than paying for a therapist. Or at least I've heard.


  1. Oh how I laughed, being a big fan of pulling my bra down my sleeve and freeing myself from Boobie Bondage.

    And my dear sweet darling offspring have always been referred to as "the bunnies." As in "Let's get the bunnies to bed and go watch Grey's Anatomy." Or "Bunnies! Go brush your teeth!"

    I must report the bunnies here in Belgium are better than bunnies I've seen ANYWHERE else. They're somehow more sculpted and perfect and doe-eyed than other rabbits.

    Little E-Grrrl will be rabbit-sitting for friends soon. She is over the moon with excitement.

  2. Ferrets stink. Growing up, I had neighbors that had several and they would take them for walks on leashes, weird.

    I'm feeling refreshed to know there is another woman in the world who doesn't like gushing over ugly babies just because it's a "baby".

    I'll do my best to not tell you anymore dog stories when I see you at work. If I'm witness to someone elses chatter regarding man's best friend I'll just smile big and yell "Bunnies!"

  3. I laughed so hard at this post, I woke up my pissed off cat and my worky dog and somehow prompted my never ever breastfed son to come over and squeeze my boobies.

  4. V-grrrl--Do not start stacking up reasons NOW for staying in Belgium, i.e. bunny superiority. It will only obfuscate things. American bunnies have been vastly improved in your absence, esp. Ohio bunnies. Come and see.

    nina--I find most dog stories entertaining as long as people realize that their dogs are DOGS. You seem to be quite realistic on this point. Besides, you have chunky dogs of substance, not hideous yappers that need to be silenced. Additionally, you don't try to make me a dog person. That's good.

    fringes--nice to see you back. but I'm sorry to have caused such unprecedented upheaval at chez fringe. i'll consider posting a warning on the masthead at The Dept. Of course, now you know more of what to expect around here. Oh, and welcome to my sidebar, where you are listed under "Other Departments!"

  5. First time visitor- came through fringe's blog. Funny you were talking about guinea pigs or goony pigs as my daughter calls them- that and that she says hostipal drives me nutty. Anyways, we went to the petstore and she petted a 30 guinea pig and I kept looking at it and going - man is that a lot for a rat? or is that the going rate? and there was this bunny/rat looking thing that was gross. But those bunnies up there are cute.

  6. Bunnies are cute, but the smell of bunny urine makes me sick. There isn't any one kind of animal urine that I like, but specifically bunny urine makes me feel pukey.

  7. First, Orange. Orange'you glad you at least had the shirt on when you took the bra off? Second, where did you get boys who do not shed? Because mine do. I've gotta trade them in. Third, thank you so much for saying "Turdblossom"! It's exquisite, and to be used only for special occasions. Karl is certainly deserving of it. I haven't heard that since my Texan apartment mate used to address her brother with that appellation. In return, he called her "Fartknocker."

  8. Bunnies are the cutest and it's true that some babies are not. No matter how sad it is to say. And yes fashion can be completely overwhelming! I feel your pain. : )

  9. jane is dating--welcome to The Dept.! and yes, $30 is absolutely unreasonable for a goony pig. pet stores are now encouraging the whole pet-before-you-buy experience so that your kids really put you on the spot. screw that. i go and pet bunnies constantly and never buy one. that's their problem when the bunnies need therapy from abandonment issues later.

    mist1--duly noted. ix-nay on the Eau de Bunny Urine perfume i had planned for your birthday gift.

    sputnik--sigh. i hate like hell to admit this, but "turdblossom" is an actual nickname for rove given to him by the angel of death. i cannot take credit for it. dammit.

    anali--perhaps i need yet another sidebar feature: bunnies of the week. hey, someone has to pr these animals!

  10. My daughter's friend BREEDS GUINEA PIGS TO SELL, ON PURPOSE! That's just too digusting for me to even fathom. They are just noisy, stinky, poop machines.

    There's a always a few moments in everyday I wonder why we have this dog.

    I turn into the complete idiot at the sight of a bunny in the yard. And while your picture of bunnies is could cause "cute paralysis", the link to the picture leads you to a video of a baby hamster eating broccoli. Deadly cute.

  11. I love dogs.

    This will not change my love for you.

  12. OMG, I split my sides laughing at every one of those points. Especially the bra flinging and the media blitz.

    I love dogs. But I understand they are high maintenance. That's why I don't have one right now. Working full time and going to grad school leave no time for those lovely early morning & late night pee-walks. Not even for me. :-)

  13. j.--i am on my way to view the hamsters although my experience with hamsters is decidedly not so cute: we had a mother and son pairing and the mother ate the son's head. there. live with that now, i dare you.

    brookelina--i love dog shows, so that can be our canine link. and believe me, if you ceased to love me, i would be devastated. seriously. don't ever stop.

    ortizzle--i was sweating you out in the comments. where the hell have you been? you know i am not only a comment count whore, but a regular-reader junkie, and if you and the rest of The Dept. Denizens don't show up to Brainstorm, I really start losing my grip. that's why the Tie Report is such a labour of love for me: no real measurable food for my vanity.

  14. Nance,: I have been ass-deep to a tall Indian (forgive the un-P.C. expression) in work and admin stuff from school, to say nothing of grad school (where I have to maintain a separate blog just for that course!). But I have commented on all of your posts, albeit belated in some cases.

    I myself have not managed more than the usual Wednesday Hump Day Q & A for the last couple of weeks, and late at that. But I have been here, my dear.

    Now... it is true that I have not commented on the great Tie Report, if that is what you are referring to. (Excuse preposition at end of sentence). But if that is what is making your life a misery, I will be sure to include something along with the comment on your most recent post. Unless there exists a separate comment section for the Tie Report.

    I so enjoy your writing. We are on the same page in so many respects, in addition to sharing a comradeship as high school teachers. :-)))

  15. Ortizzle (again)--I know you show up eventually, but I do get a bit shaken when I have to wait too long. I am that pathetic. LOL. No need to comment on the Tie Report unless one really moves you. As I said, that is truly a test of my fortitude since there exists no comment feature for it. My vanity, it suffers for my art. I hope I am scoring serious points for that SOMEPLACE where it counts.

  16. I am absolutely certain that there is no reason to have any more media coverage of the following individuals

    Yeah! And ESPECIALLY the dead ones! (Like Smith.)

    Bunnies are so cute! I used to have a rabbit when I was a kid. He was my best friend. I learned to love carrots from Coco! :)

  17. I'm with you! I've felt like my brain has been on overload, yet when I look at its contents for something I can blog about I find that I'm completely unimpressed with what I see. Spring Fever has me in its grips.

  18. Dan--my pet bunny's name was Shiloh. She tried to run away once in the middle of a thunderstorm, but my husband (then boyfriend) caught her. I knew right then he was a keeper.

    wordgirl--er...was that you saying that you found this post unimpressive? sigh. i'll try harder.


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