Thursday, February 25, 2010

Another Timely Public Service Announcement From The Dept. of Nance: Oh, Hey. It's What We Do!

Once again, it would seem that there is a need for my services. As Longtime Readers know, I have volunteered to make the Dept. of Nance an actual government entity, one which will take care of such things which seem to fall under no one else's auspices but need to be done immediately and with all good taste and alacrity.

Before I go on, let's all check today's date, shall we? It is February Twentysomething, 2010. Thank you.

Allow me, then, to make this announcement which, it would seem, some members of Our Society have been waiting to hear:


Perhaps I need to be more specific. Gladly:

1. Illuminated reindeer in your front yard are not "wintry." They are "Christmassy" and should be removed.

2. A fake pine wreath with glittery ornaments on your front door--outta there.

3. The life-size manger scene celebrating the birth of a baby who would be 2 months old by now and already out of the manger--history.

4. The fence draped with fake evergreen swags and red bows isn't "Valentiney," it's Noel-ish and Valentine's Day was almost 2 weeks ago.

5. Pretty soon you'll have to scoot Santa Claus over in that sleigh in your yard and make room for either a leprechaun or the Easter Bunny.

6. If you aren't going to take down those icicle lights, at least stop turning them on every night!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift. (Is that a pun?)

I'm starting to rethink my position that everything bad can be blamed on the republicans and instead, I can start blaming it on these people. Think about it. All this snow? The groundhogs came out, saw all these damned Christmas decorations and thought it was still December! Thanks a lot, Lazy Decoration People! Flattened housing market due to unsold existing properties? Well, who the hell wants to buy a house next to one with lit-up reindeer in the middle of February? Thanks a helluva lot, Lazy Decoration People! The house can't sell, the family can't move to a cheaper property, the parents can't make their payments, the house forecloses, the family is homeless, the dad loses his job because his credit is trashed, the family can't buy the necessary goods and services it needs to survive...Thanks a whole effing bunch, Lazy Decoration People! You've just destroyed An American Family AND the American Economy!

This also affects me personally in my state, where property taxes fund the schools. Had to be said.

So. I think I've made several important points. So, Lazy Decoration People, just do it. Don't make me come over there.


  1. Please forward this post to the neighbors down the street who not only still have Christmas lights up...but also some 4th of July leftovers.

  2. Um, (raising hand in the back row), my husband gets testy & sad whenever I broach the subject of taking the Christmas wreath off the front door. It doesn't have shiny ornaments on it, but, you know, it's a CHRISTMAS WREATH!!! I figure the penguin luminaries are ok until it stops snowing - they ARE penguins after all. But the wreath? I hang my head in shame. Sigh.

    I apologize in advance for our impact on the economy.

  3. Dreamcoat10:33 AM

    Having skipped outdoor decorations 2 years in a row, we downsized all our lights and stuff to Goodwill recently. Unfortunately, that means someone else will purchase them, and the beat goes on. I am an enabler. At least it's not in my front yard.

  4. Dreamcoat--Ah, a NIMFY! LOL. You are not an enabler. In my neighborhood, if you would have put those decorations on your curb, some Garbage Picker would have come by in a pickup or van and gotten them anyway. It's okay. And thank you.

    The Bug--Sigh. Okay. It is time for An Intervention. The penguin luminaries, by virtue of the fact that they are LUMINARIES are CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. PERIOD. I think, in your heart of hearts, you know this. And, is your husband the Boss Of You? Is it Just His House? Does he have a gun? Just take it All down. Please. Your neighbors will thank you. And so will the American Economy. You are a Brave Woman to admit any of that here, and I admire you and thank you. And it's always helpful to have a Husband to share the blame.

    Apathy Lounge--Print it out and tape it to their Stars And Stripes bunting and/or their sad drugstore spiral tree. And, did I ever tell you the story of the house whose inhabitants DECORATED THEIR PILE OF MULCH BAGS? Seriously...

  5. Can't someone invent retractable lights? Hit a button to make them viewable. On January 1st, hit a button to hide them until next year.

    Too bad I don't own a gun. I have often thought of taking a rifle to the trite inflatable Snoopy, Santa, snowman, and reindeer in my neighbor's yard. (I'm surprised no one has come up with a kitchy inflatable manger scene.)

    Each year when my sister and I were in high school, my mother would choose the coldest, most miserable day for us to put up the outdoor lights. We argued that they were completely unnecessary, but my mother claimed everyone would think we weren't Christians. Like who? People we didn't know? I didn't care then what people thought and still don't.

    I'm the decorationless house two doors down from the inflatables ---just doing my part for the economy.

  6. Nancy9:22 AM


    Does your directive mean that I have to take the rotten pumpkins off my porch,too? The turkey and the Pilgrims? How about my MCCAIN-PALIN bumper sticker on the junked car I parked in front of your house? The Y2K warning flyer I welded onto the telegraph pole?

    Now you want me to take all that stuff down?

    Boo Radley was a better neighbor than you are!

  7. Nancy--Sadly, there are a few houses in my neighborhood who still have rotted pumpkin mass, all sagged and hanging over their steps, festooning their porches. And they also have my disdain hanging over them like a heavy black cloud, which I'm sure they barely notice.

    CJ--I'm sympathetic to anyone who has regular lights fastened along the "outline" of their house for Christmas and doesn't ever want to go through the strain of having to do that again. Leave them up, but don't turn them on until it's The Season. But those icicle lights are so visible and so very obviously there that I can't imagine leaving them up year-round--or wanting to! And I could see if the outdoor decorations had to stay up because we had had all of this terrible arctic weather since Christmas, but we haven't. We had lots of days when it was warmer and without snow in January that the lights could have been taken down, and it's no big deal to take a wreath off a door.

  8. Please, come on over to the Yard-Gnome Ghetto where I live and kick some butt. It's those Christmas skeletons that I hate; there's something obscene going on there. And the deflated blow-ups that look like somebody flayed Santa. Gruesome stuff, as well as tacky as hell.

  9. I agree with all of your points; those things are terribly tacky when it's not Christmas. But damn, why can't there be lights up year round? Not icicle lights, but just strands of either white or multicolored lights? I love it when downtown areas have lights up in the trees. And houses are much cuter that way.

  10. Sorry, girlie, those ornaments are staying up on the bush by the front walk as hostages until the sun comes back and the snow melts. I am not blinking first in this showdown:>)

  11. dbso--Sigh. You are holding all of your neighbors hostage as well. Don't they feel lousy enough from all of this snow? Must they also view The Dregs Of Christmas Past as well? PS--Haven't checked the weather for Cinci; did you get dumped on this weekend, too? We got another foot, although to see the national news, only New York is having winter now that DC has cleared out.

    Mikey--For the same reason that we don't have candy canes and chocolate bunnies year round. If we did, it wouldn't seem so special, then.

    The Other Nance--Whenever I see the sodden, deflated Christmas inflatables in the daylight they remind me of used condoms. (Yeah, I just went there.)

  12. I've always wondered about these people. I figured that maybe some of them had family emergencies and they are too sick and/or traumatized to remove them. But really how many people can that be?

  13. Anali--Oh, I'm willing to bet that many Out Of Season Decoration People have pretty solid reasons, such as DBSO up above. And, as you mentioned, some may be legitimately ill, indisposed, or even called away to sudden travels or travails. And I'm not even willing to be that Abject Laziness isn't a valid reason for most. My problem is that because those decorations are OUTSIDE, they make a negative impact on other people. If some Celebrants want to have Christmas year-round inside their homes, then my philosophy is "Go ahead. Knock yourself out!" I hope they enjoy themselves merrily. I just think that when someone's extreme tastes/preferences infringe upon someone else's or the public at large, then it's An Issue.

  14. Still enjoying the lower-case "r" in republican! And I'm with you. The Lazy Decoration People need to get off their como se llamas and clean up their acts. Simultaneously, if possible. BTW, your caption won the Sx3 Target gift card. Please come by to acquire your bling!

  15. Melissa B.--Wow! Thanks for stopping by here to let me know. That was awfully nice of you--chasing me down to hand me a prize. Talk about Service...! I suppose my lowercasing the republicans seems a bit contradictory when I elevated the Lazy Decoration People to capitalized status. Hmmmm...maybe I need to rethink my rules.

  16. We have a couple of houses near us where that Baby Jesus has already started kindergarten. Honestly, this year I was so bad I didn't put anything up until Dec. 20 and I took it down Dec. 26 because I feared I would fall into the tacky complacency trap. Never did even put up a tree. And I learned from that experience, because absolutely no one else in the family even noticed anything but the goodies in their stockings, so I plan to follow this practice in future. They, however, still have gifts they have not put away! Uh, it's March? One son argues that, if it doesn't fit yet, he does not have to take custody of the clothing in the box.

    Also, Nance, did you know your Easter bunny chocolate ad (the one with cluck-meow and the lion with bunny ears) is back this year? The company was bought out. Good marketing ploy by new company.

  17. sputnik--I've missed you here and over at your space! Welcome back.

    Haven't seen a single cadbury ad, but thanks for the heads-up. As you know, I'm happy for ANY good Bunny Representation on tv.

    And as far as a No Tree Christmas, I think my Scrooge Side is emerging, and I'm honestly becoming more fine with that whole idea.


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...