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Saturday, November 17, 2007

I, Nance, Do Solemnly Swear, To Do My Duty...


For years I have fantasized about the Dept. of Nance being a real Department. As my masthead says, I do believe that the government needs me. Someone has to right the smallish wrongs being perpetually perpetrated everywhere in our otherwise civilized society. It has become increasingly clear to me over the years that we are, in fact, unable (or, even more sadly, unwilling) to do this ourselves. I am happy to do this task. It is bipartisan in nature. Both Democrats and republicans seem to commit these egregious faux pas and societal sins, so I can work within the bounds of any administration without interference. I am a separate entity, beholden to no one. I can be funded by the Supreme Court's order and a constitutional amendment in perpetuity.
Or whatever.

I do not require a huge office, just a moderately-sized one with adequate ventilation and good natural lighting. I do not need a big staff, just a secretary and one other assistant who may even be part-time as long as he can drive me as required as I will not be driving myself since I do not plan to drive in Washington, D.C. It is too trafficky and strange to me. Finally, I will not clean my own office. I will, however, supply and water my own plant or plants.

Once installed, I will immediately act. Much like House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, I will begin a strenuous agenda of reform and will, within the first 100 days, show my vigorous commitment to making life better and more civil for the American People. Here is my short list of what I will do:

1. Require all theaters to install cell phone jammers.

2. Require all sit-down restaurants to take reservations regardless of party size.

3. Ban all inflatable lawn decorations.

4. Decree that all underwear is visible in public only at fashion shows.

5. Ban all leggings. Forever.

6. Decree that all Christmas decorations, music, displays, sales, and ads are prohibited until December 1st. The only exception made will be for craft stores. Period.

7. Require spelling to count ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE.

8. Ban the sale of Crocs except at swimming pool stores and garden centers, where they belong.

9. Reinstate Pluto as a planet.

10. Ban the mention of celebrity birth, marriage, public brouhaha, or rehab issues from legitimate news broadcasts.

11. Bring back the following retired Crayola crayon colors: blue gray, orange red, raw umber, violet blue, lemon yellow, orange yellow, and mulberry.

12. Ban the wearing of baseball hats by anyone not at a baseball game.

13. Make "telling someone about this dream I had" in detail a felony.

14. Abolish call waiting (a.k.a. "licensed rudeness").

15. Prohibit anyone over the age of 12 from wearing animated characters on his or her clothing or person.

I could, of course, go on and on and on and on. But this is, as I said, my short list and will likely occupy much of my first 100 days. (That, and decorating my office, hiring my secretary and assistant, and selecting my plant or plants. Plus, I will have to acclimate myself to Washington, D.C. Heretofore, I have only been there as a tourist. Once it becomes my workplace, I will have to view it in a new way, as a Beltway Insider. ) I trust that, in Brainstorms, you'll give me more to do.

22 comments:

  1. I'm with you on EVERYTHING. Especially the spelling thing. I CRINGE at all the misspellings on the blogs out there. OK, let me be sure I have everything spelled right here. Because that would be really embarassing. I mean embarrassing. 'Cause I SPELLCHECKED THAT. Why can't everyone?

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  2. Claudia4:55 PM

    ROFL! Thank you for the giggle. You've got MY vote. (And I'll even GIVE you a plant!!)

    C.

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  3. Nance for President!

    Now, could you also ban lawn decorations unless they are Halloween pumpkins on the front porch or Christmas lights? Because I am tired of people putting out huge red hearts and pink flags to wish everyone a Happy St. Valentine's Day. (Just one example of how I sometimes feel as though I am living in a permanent outdoor kindergarten class sometimes...)

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  4. What if you're not wearing pants? I agree that underwear shouldn't be visible due to low-hanging pants, but if it's where it should be but the pants are simply missing, I feel that this is alright (in certain situations, of course).

    Oh, and can I be your secretary? Or better yet, I could be your cook. I'd freakin' love to be someone's full time cook.

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  5. plain jane12:59 AM

    induced homomorphism: you can be the cook, I wont to be tha secretery becuz I spell reel gud.

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  6. Totally with you on # 7 & 9.
    I might get into a wee bit 'o trouble over #13. Is a general announcement of "I had the weirdest dream about you last night" OK?

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  7. I would like to apply for the job of driver. I know how to drive. You may have to sit in the back seat though.
    I don't think it would be a good idea for me to work as your assistant.
    One more item to add to your list, No retired people shopping on weekends. Leave weekends to those who have to work during the week.

    I am available for an interview at your earliest convenience.
    Thanks, Rick

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  8. Anonymous11:50 AM

    Your platform is enough to make me want to move to the States (from Canada) just so I can vote you in!

    Nance for President!!

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  9. anonymous--I am blushing. It would be enough to just be an honorary Canadian Person. I love Canada. Please stay there so as to keep it charming for when I visit. And thank you for visiting the Dept. and for commenting. Please do all you can to encourage more Canadian readers. It is a dream of mine to be famous in Canada (for something other than my wine consumption).

    rwd--I don't want to abuse the American people's good faith by having both an assistant and a driver; therefore, you would have to be both. Naturally, I would sit in the back seat most of the time unless we needed to cuddle or I had to instruct you yet again on how to drive a hybrid which is still different than driving your non-hybrid pickup truck, but you don't seem to be getting that. Still. But I digress. And I agree with you about retired people who have all freaking week to shop, but choose to shop on the weekend anyway and clutter up the aisles for the rest of us. That will be Job One on Day 101. XXOO

    Princess OtU--Bill Maher once said, "Nobody wants to hear about your dreams. That's why they play in exclusive engagements in your head." If you promise to save the deets, you might be okay, but it's still a misdemeanor.

    plain jane--aaaaarrrrggghhh.

    i.h.--no. and i do my own cooking. you know that! besides, i do not plan to be in the office during meals. ever. i'm sure The American People do not expect me to give up my American Values Family Time and compromise my Home Life.

    ortizzle--in these difficult times, the American People have to be able to celebrate, or the terrorists win. As long as the decorations are not inflatable, I have to allow them something. but i feel you.

    claudia--thank you for your kind comment. it is my hope, however, that my position will be a Lifetime Appointment and not one that is at the whim of the electorate. it is too important to be at the mercy of mudslinging and kowtowing campaigning. and stuff. but i'm glad to have given you a chuckle.

    mrs. who--laziness. pure laziness. as always, i blame the republicans. the angel of death has made mediocrity the new standard of excellence in our country. sigh.

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  10. As a certified retired person (who is younger than almost all the presidential candidates) I always shop during the week, unless I need the confusion of a busy weekend to return a $125 Tempur-pedic pillow that felt like a sack of raw bread dough.

    I'm much tougher on the question of Christmas music. It starts no earlier than Dec 24, and continues through Epiphany. I believe in the 12 Days of Christmas.

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  11. I'm submitting my application for secretary (you know I'll clean your office for you too!) I think you know my qualifications :-)

    (And can we expand spelling to include common simple grammar? I'm sick of seeing grammatically incorrect signs everywhere!)

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  12. Nance I love, love, LOVE this post!!!!!!!!!!

    Those damned lawn decorations do irritate me!

    And heeeeeyyyyy, I thought you weren't paying attention to our spelling errors...do I need to be nervous again?

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  13. Could you add the banning of the word "canoodle" to number 10? Also all combining of celebrity couple names.

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  14. First of all I'm an awful speller. Therefore I can't be a supporter of that is one of your issues. I just can't do it!

    Second, if you can reconsider the spelling thing, I'd like you to work on banning those damn heely shoes the kids skate through the stores on. Whenever one of them almost runs into me, my gut reaction is to just push them down. Because NO ONE should be allowed to skate in the grocery store.

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  15. IH, I'd hire you as my full time cook. But be warned, I get a little bossy in the kitchen!

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  16. Absolutely! That orangey-red and yellowish-orange are two of my faves!

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  17. nancy in a2--well, thank you for shopping during the week. you are commended.

    jenomena--we can certainly try. i don't want to become overwhelmed, however, and apostrophe usage alone is daunting.

    tera--i am convinced that most comment errors are typos. i disregard those with love. you know that.

    scarlet--nice to see you back among us here at the Dept. i, too detest that word, as i do all celebrity crap masked as "news" when it is clearly entertainment twaddle. good heavens, let's leave it on the e! channel where it belongs. don't we have the national enquirer for that?

    nina--i do not require support like a National Breast or something. remember, i am an independent office. sometimes, like tough love, what is good for us is hard to take.

    wordgirl--really, crayola was rather arbitrary and hasty. i would gladly sacrifice something like the trendy "timberwolf" or one of the icky fluorescent colors to have any one of the classics back.

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  18. V-Grrrl12:54 PM

    Hey, I commented on this way back when and Blogger ate my comment. They must be tasty because they've disappeared from a number of blogs where I've left them.

    PIGS!

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  19. I'm with you, but erm, my spelling leaves much to be desired. OK on my own blog, because I have spell check, but will you forgive me if I misspell something in a comment? Please? Oh, and can grammar count, too? Maybe in the second 100 days?

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  20. v-grrrl--i've been hearing that a lot lately. blogger is such a bitch. please make sure to notice if you see the yellow box at the top of the comments box when you finish comment verification. it will say "comment saved". if you don't see that, your comment was somehow not verified, and you should scroll down and re-verify the scrambled letters. sigh. it's such a pain, but without the word verification, the spammers go nuts. i love you and value your comments; you know that.

    j at jellyjules--i think most errors in comments are simple typos. i am pleasantly tolerant in comments because i am happy for the participation. as you can see, i am lax on capitalization as well. as my friend ortizzle says, not worrying about caps is like typing in your jammies!

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  21. onewiththespis8:31 PM

    Hello Mrs. D- I just stumbled onto your blog and I'm thrilled!! Although I have much catching up to do with your stories and words of wisdom, I wanted to let you know I'd vote for you. ESPECIALLY because your number one issue on the agenda: as a stage manager and sometimes house manager in the theatre, I'm finding a newfound hatred for cell phones. I abhor them with a passion!!!!

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  22. onewiththespis--always nice to thrill someone! welcome to the Dept, and I hope you stick around. (however you "stumbled onto" me...)as far as those hideous cell phones, i'll never understand the people who have them on during a film or production/presentation/lecture. if there is such pressing business elsewhere, then perhaps said person should NOT be at the theater/concert/event to begin with. and if he or she IS at the event, then for heaven's sake BE THERE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY! turn off the damned thing and enjoy the show.

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