Thursday, February 04, 2010

I'm A Political Visionary

Someday, if the world cooperates with My Vision, republicans will be kept in zoos and the Rest Of Us will be able to just observe them and remark upon their odd and strange ways.

Perhaps that statement is too...visionary. (Did you think I was going to say "harsh" or "strong" or even "partisan?" You must be a New Reader! Welcome to the Dept.!) Those of you who know me know that I was being rather tame and subdued, especially when it comes to the adjectives "odd" and "strange." I'll leave it to you to play Mental Thesaurus and fill in those spots with what I really want to say. But I digress.

I've been collecting little informatoids about republicans for you, and I'm ready to set them free in order to bolster my Visionary Plan. Let me know if you are on board.

I. The Lights Are On, But Nobody's Home: A Daily Kos/Research 2000 poll of republicans in the wild found that 53% believe that Sarah Palin is more qualified to be president than Obama, with 14% who believe Obama is more qualified and 33% who said they were not sure. Holy crap. Let's remember that the former Governor of Alaska, who quit for still-inexplicable reasons and who touted her international experience as being able to see Russia from her house, has no idea how South and North Korea came into existence. She couldn't name a single newspaper that she read, yet she claimed to read "all of 'em." Perhaps those republicans just admire her business savvy; after all, she is keeping her book on the bestseller list by using her PAC to buy up more than $63,000.00 worth of them as gifts to donors. This is more than she's been donating to other political candidates in her party. That's some hardcore maverickin'. But presidential brainpower? Duh.

II. A Woman's Place: Why any woman or gay individual or person of color would ever, ever identify himself or herself as republican is beyond me. This party is so provincial and Old Boys Club. But don't take my word for it. Oh no. Give a listen to Jan Larimer, Republican National Committee co-chair, on the republican party's strategy to recruit more women candidates: "Women sometimes need a little more handholding, or they need their friends to help them make a decision. And by our going in and talking to them and recruiting and educating and training them to either get involved in a campaign or become a candidate, we're giving them the tools so that they can do that on their own."

The fact that Jan is a woman makes me want to cry. Or scream. Or hurt someone. So much is so wrong so completely with this statement that a stuffed moosehead could enumerate the points. To a doorknob. With crystalline clarity and brisk alacrity. Allow me, if you will, dearest Readers, to address Jan Larimer for a moment.
Jan--republicans sometimes need a little more faceslapping, or they need Democrats to help them make a decision. And by our going in and civilizing them and giving them a dose of reality and educating them and taking them out of their nineteenth-century wayback machines, we're giving them the tools they need so that they can someday join the twenty-first century where women have brains, control over their lives and destinies, and are, in short, not Stepford Wives or mistresses of republican senators looking for a little action.

III. Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Remember: See my above first sentence for II. In 2006, Senator John McCain was asked about the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding gay people serving in the US military. Now, we all remember the senator's glowing, stellar military service record. He made damn sure of that during the presidential election. Damn sure. And I, along with everyone else, thank him for that service. His opinion on military matters should be given consideration, given this experience. Here's what he said regarding the DADT policy: "The day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, Senator, we ought to change the policy, then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it because those leaders in the military are the ones we give the responsibility to." Okay, Senator., with President (Democrat) Obama in office and DADT about to be repealed, is (Up For Re-Election) Senator McCain ready to trust the leadership of the military? Let's listen in: "At this moment of immense hardship for our armed services, we should not be seeking to overturn the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy." Hmmmm....! Let's take a count, shall we? Defense Secretary Gates? Repeal. Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Mullen? Repeal. Former Secretary of State and Former Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff and retired general of the Persian Gulf War Colin Powell? Repeal. Is this enough "Military Leadership" for you, John McCain? Guess not. Not when your seat is in play and you haven't had any other job for about eleventy thousand years. Life is tough.

But, don't despair, John McCain, Jan Larimer, and clueless republicans. If my vision is realized, you'll be well taken care of. I'm sure we can find a nice spot for all of you. Safe, homogenized, and very Beaver Cleaver. You can wave at us as we wander by and marvel. Just like Sarah to the Russians.


  1. Anonymous6:56 PM

    I don't meant to nitpick, as I agree with all of the above (as a straight white male in the military), but Colin Powell didn't receive the medal of honor.

  2. Anonymous--Oh, nitpick away! I should have checked more than one source and read more carefully. My AV was running a scan and giving my internet connection fits, so I hurriedly scanned the first bio that came up. Sadly, it was not authoritative enough. Thank you. I've read three more and you're right. I've removed that reference. He's obv. highly decorated, but not with that one! (And thank you for your service. Very much.)

  3. "Jan--republicans sometimes need a little more faceslapping, or they need Democrats to help them make a decision."

    Oh, I like this sentence! Yes, I do!

  4. Nance, I so enjoy your posts. You always make me laugh, but Neanderthal Republicans are no laughing matter.

    If it were up to them, we would still have segregated schools, women would be expected to be homemakers or secretaries, gays would be well-hidden in the closet, prisoners would sill be tortured, and Sarah Palin would be our VP. Oh, the horror!

  5. If I ever get the chance, I'd like to slap that Jan myself. Unreal. Just unreal.

  6. I'm so glad I found you! You're just a BIT left of polite & it's so refreshing!

  7. The Bug--And I'm so very glad to be Found! It is always my Intention to be polite, but there is nothing that makes me forgetful of my Gentle Breeding more quickly than republicans. I do so very much like to be called "refreshing," however; it makes me feel like a Fresca. Thank you and welcome to the Dept.

    Nina--Isn't she just irksome? At least we can be joyful that she is not a Democrat. I had to Google the shit out of her, though, to be Absolutely Certain that she was not a HE. I was all revved up and ready with biting Male Chauvinist comments. Got a bit deflated then, and Highly Disappointed that One Of Our Own would be so horrid.

    CJ--Thank you. I try so hard not to get my panties all in a bunch, but when they come out with this kind of baloney, it really frosts my last cupcake. At that point, I have to Share. Thanks for joining me in my Outrage.

    Anali--You know, sometimes a little Cher a la "Moonstruck" moment is useful. I don't often condone straightup violence, but nothing else seems to work. I know our President recently spoke lamenting the decline of civility, especially in Washington, but sometimes you have to sling a little mud or you just keep walking around as the dirty one.

  8. I love how you think, sister! You know, I've never met an intentionally funny Republican. I think there must be some; it defies the laws of chance that there would be none. But I can't name any. Must be all those VALUES getting in the way of their senses of humor. Thank goodness, we are not similarly burdened, huh?

  9. The Other Nance--My Favourite President of All Time, President Lincoln truly had a great sense of humor although it was tragically balanced by a deep sense of melancholy. I shall wrack my brain to think of any current republican (I never ever deign to capitalize that party; it's My Little Protest. I prefer to keep them humble.) who is funny and give him or her credit if I think of one. I do have plenty of values, but I just don't vaunt and trumpet them and act like they are something to be politicized or that I somehow have a monopoly on them because of how I vote. It's like all these born-again Christians who talk about "finding Christ." What about the people who never lost Him in the first place?

  10. Keeping republicans lower-case, where they belong. One question, though: If John McCain were to apply for a "real" job, where do you think he should drop his resume? I hear that Ms. Palin needs a houseboy...

  11. Sarah Palin: Proof that the only kind of woman Republicans will endorse is mean, stupid and capable of selling herself to them as anything but. FOX "news" helps a little.

  12. apathy lounge--did you see the latest news about SP? that she wrote her Top 5 priorities ON HER HAND? how sad that she cannot:
    a. remember 5 things
    c. use notecards like a grownup
    d. leave junior high behind
    (and those are just for starters)

    melissa b--he's so crabby, maybe he could be the guy that chases kids out of the R-rated movies at the multi-plex

  13. Touche, Nance! I am definitely independent, but Sarah Palin inspires anti-Republican fervor in me like nothing else ... well, except the rhetoric from this Jan person ... and maybe McCain. Most of those chairs and co-chairs have all been nut jobs in my opinion. The tea party clips and the like that Keith Olbermann has been sharing of late have been just as appalling. Sarah Palin was asked again about her comment re: being in Alaska giving her special insight and international qualifications, and she blabbered on that it did, all while keeping a straight face. The word is delusional.


  14. Shirley--Oh, "delusional" is just for starters. And I meant to amend my comment above. I gave Airhead Palin WAY too much credit. It was only THREE things she had to remember, not five. And she even CROSSED ONE OF THEM OUT AND CORRECTED IT ON HER HAND. Give me strength. "Delusional" isn't just for starters; it's mild and a compliment.


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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