Tuesday, May 15, 2012

So Much Stupid And So Little Time! Whence All Of These Bad Ideas?

Oh, Readers!  Did you ever get the feeling that you were the Only One On The Job anymore?  Certainly you recall how many times I have renewed my offer to make the Dept. of Nance a bona fide department.  I am offering it again, for I have borne witness to so much Stupid, so many Bad Ideas lately, that it is patently obvious to me that Someone has to do Something.  Here now:

Example A:  This past weekend, our Cleveland NBC affiliate had a segment on its Saturday morning infotainment show about what not to get moms for Mothers Day.  It was clearly a "package" feed that they got from another affiliate because every mom in it had a pronounced Southern accent.  They all looked as if they were in a store parking lot (Walmart?) and were interviewed at the sides of their vehicles or in them.  "Don't get appliances!" one woman said in a dire voice.  Another woman drawled, "I hate gift certificates or gift cards. There doesn't seem to be much thought in those."  One greyhaired lady with very few teeth said cheerily, "I jest want hugs and kisses and all mah fam'ly around!"  At the end of the segment, our local anchorwoman said, "For those of you taking Mom out to brunch, Ruby Tuesday's has a free cookbook for every mom!"

Wow.  Message there?  Here's your meal out, but as of tomorrow?  Get back in the kitchen where you belong!  Really, Ruby Tuesday's?  And, on Fathers Day, will they get a cookbook? Bet not.  Spare me.  What a load of cliché and stereotypical bullshit. I said as much--and plenty more on this theme--to Rick as I went in to grab a shower.  Then, I turned around and said, "And!" to which he said, "I knew you weren't done."  But really, how condescending.  "Here, little ladies.  Enjoy your meal out, but let's remember what Being A Mom Is All About.  Now scoot back in there and tie that apron real tight!" Grrrrr....!

Example B:  Because of Hormonal Fluctuations and The (Now Hopefully Permanent) Cessation Of Sanguinary Hostilities, I have been having intermittent migraines.  I awoke with a real bitch of one last week, and struggled to make use of my migraine medication.  Let me just say that the people at Maxalt "have a lot of 'splaining to do" about their product and may they rot in everlasting circles of Migraine Hells   engage in a little R&D toute de suite so that others do not suffer in kind.  Here is a little Photo Essay to demonstrate.  (And imagine yourself in Excruciating Agony while two pleasant but hungry cats annoy the hell out of you.)
1. First, you have to try to pry this open.
2. To get this, the second package.
3. NOW, IF I can peel this off, I can push the
melty little pill onto my tongue and LIVE.
Really, Merck&Co?  Don't you have any Migraine Sufferers on board over there at all?  Do you honestly think I can even see those directions, let alone fold on that fucking line, then have the patience to locate an almost nonexistent notch, tear it--OR USE SCISSORS--all in order to THEN OPEN ANOTHER FUCKING PACKAGE?!  As my students used to say, "Somebody needs to get real."

Example C:  Much of the time, I simply cannot stand to think of using my dreadmill (hence the name).  The weather has been temperate, so I do my walking outdoors in the 'hood.  I try to time it so as not to disturb the local schoolchildren with my presence.  I have to tell you, though:  it's boring walking the same routes over and over.  In order to break the monotony, I give myself little tasks and little things to look for, like a Quirky Scavenger Hunt.  I wasn't on one of those when I saw this Quintessential Bad Idea, however:

This is just So Bad on So Many Levels, that I'm almost in awe of its Badness. I mean, come on.  What, exactly, is the thought process here?  All right!  Those damn kids want a trampoline, we'll give them a trampoline!  I've told them and told them we don't really have the room, but they just won't shut the hell up.  The city says we have to have a safety fence, and damn it, we do!  Not safe for them, but oh well!  And I swear to God, the first one who impales himself can just walk to the hospital for all I care!  And if they want those branches trimmed, they can goddam well do it themselves, the little shits! 

In the front yard of this house were a ton of kid toys.  And bikes and happiness.  But that back yard. Yikes.  Interestingly, there is another house in the neighborhood with a scary trampoline setup almost identical to this one.  I was all set to photograph it as well, but they put up one of those cage-net thingies that completely encloses the trampoline, rendering it much safer. I was devastated because this trampoline had the bonus of a nearby garage gutter.  Alas.

But, really, parents? Allow me, if you will.  TRAMPOLINES + PICKET FENCES = KID KEBAB (NO GOOD).

Had to be said, apparently.


  1. Mikey G.2:42 AM

    I don't see any problem with the trampoline. It'll just accelerate natural selection :-) Although really, I shouldn't be one to speak, as this happened less than six months after I was in the same place doing the same thing.

  2. Oh I do so love Nance on a Rampage! I have many simliar type thoughts but you may have noticed that they rarely make it to my blog :)

    I used to be on round the clock birth control to mitigate against menstrual migraines (used the Nuvaring). It really helped a lot. And now I'm concerned about what might happen once I cross that (what? purple?) bridge. Do the little pills disintigrate when exposed to air? Maybe I can have Mike proactively pop out a few to keep in a little tupperware container...

  3. You are going to love this!

    When you went all S.J.Perelman on me and used an obscure word I didn't know the meaning of:
    "sanguinal", I ran to Google to find a resource person who could help me.

    This is who Google referred me to, Honest to God.

    Dept. of Nance: So Much Stupid And So Little Time! Whence All Of ...
    17 hours ago ... Did you ever get the feeling that you were the Only One On The Job anymore? ... Example B: Because of Hormonal Fluctuations and The (Now Hopefully Permanent) Cessation Of Sanguinal Hostilities, ... I mean, come on. - - Cached - Similar pages

  4. Nancy--LOL! I'll change it to "sanguinary" if you want, but then I'll get Un-Googled. Hee hee. NOW do you get it?

    The Bug--You made it through my Spam Filter! Yay! (Not everyone does.) Yes, the melty pills simply crumble away. They are very unstable, hence the multiple pkgs.
    My migraines are triggered by lots of things: stress, weather, red wine too late in the evening (my mantra is "Don't go to bed on a red!"), fatigue.... That's why I had to go on a preventative years ago. I was getting so many so often that they were debilitating.
    Maybe your migraines are triggered by Pent-Up Rants.

    Mikey--But we're selecting the wrong ones. The parents have already reproduced. Sigh. And it sounds terrible to be picking off the little 'uns.

    The tight apron stretches to Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays where Mom gets no respite whatsoever. Mom, and other women who are the Designated Household Cooks. Do all the shopping, cooking, clean-up, and gnaw on a turkey leg while you are cleaning up. We all know that the real perfect gift is a maid.

    Teeny weeny .000001 pt. fonts used on medicine labels are second only to the uselessness of having an arrow labeled "notch" pointing to the notch that you can't see either. It might actually be easier to swoop down on the whole contraption with a heavy duty butchers knife and hope the pill flies into the air at the right angle to land on your tongue.

    This could only be worse if it were a wrought iron fence with long spiky tips. I can't help remembering actress Romy Schneider's son who was impaled on such a fence, and he was just trying to climb it! Being hurled through the air and landing on it--- geez.

  6. A: My ideal Mother's Day gift is anything my daughter wants to give me. Not appliances, not things to make my daily life easier, but something from her to me. This year it was a lovely flowering plant for the yard, which I very much DID want. Plus breakfast. Very nice. We don't eat danish around here, but we do on Mother's Day. Being the mom, I got the raspberry. Yum.

    B: I HATE PACKAGING. I have HATED packaging for at least 10 years, probably more. I suffer from the occasional migraine, more often sinus headache (though I suspect my occasional migraines are usually caused by sinus issues...exacerbated by wine). I truly, truly dread getting old. If packaging of medicine that you NEED.RIGHT.NOW. is this difficult to reach now, in my 40s, I can't imagine how it will be in my 80s or 90s. UGH. This is a fear of mine every time I have to open a package of batteries or medication or gosh, just about anything these days.

    C: Trampolines are fine if you're an acrobat and have some sort of safety net, and hopefully really good insurance. For the rest of us? A horrific idea. For anyone living next to pointy objects: Super bad horrible idea.

  7. J's comment made me think about a friend of mine (in her 70s). We go out to dinner every Tuesday and getting out of the house is QUITE a process because she's on oxygen. I had never participated in the process of switching from the "house tank" to the "portable tank" but now I've got a new respect for people who have to deal with that. She actually has to use some sort of Tool to turn the tanks on & off - & it's not a simple thing whatsoever. We often comment that a person who is in really bad shape would probably die of oxygen deprivation before she got the tank turned on.

  8. The Bug, I have actually had to handle the oxygen tank as well. NOT easy. You're right, I really feel for people who have to use it, as they're often not nimble and young. There's one woman on my meals on wheels route (I deliver meals once a week) who has arthritis and lots of problems with her hands. Thankfully, she's not the one who uses the oxygen. Ugh.

  9. Bug--(Gasping in horrified shock right now!) As if being consigned to oxygen isn't awful enough--I often see it as a return to The Umbilical--you mean to tell me there is a tool required? Those poor people are to be commended for even daring to leave their homes. I am so inept at strenuous packaging (I see your batteries and add milk cartons, Jules!) that I know I would expire switching tanks, if for no other reason than the added stress. It's like constantly being on that "Minute to Win It" show. Urk. suspect your sinusy headache is also a wine/weather-induced migraine, albeit a lower-level one. Does caffeine ever help you? If so, that's usually a sign that it is a migraine.

    Ortizzle--I am also perenially irked and mystified by the number of moms who still have to cook and clean for a huge Mothers Day fete for elder matriarchs in the family. You'd think they would all want moms in general to have a break.

  10. I hate all those "what to get so-and-so" articles/news stories that pop up at the holidays. I have never gotten a good gift idea from them, and I find the whole concept of people getting snarky about gifts Grinchly.

    "Shut and be gracious!"

  11. When I get a blurry vision type migraine, caffeine helps. When I get a sinus headache, I often THINK caffeine will help, and I load up, but it doesn't. So maybe they're not as connected as I think. But they both feel like they're in my sinus, and you know, I like my wine...

  12. V-grrrl--I do think that the segments are perfunctory and a Production Gimme. They're on for every single Holiday, whether it's a big one like Xmas or a Hallmarky one. They're a lot of bullshit, no matter what. I'm with you: a gift is a gift, and even when you know darn tootin' well that the giver used it as A Message, even a Not Nice One, your job is to be Gracious. Then do whatever you want about it. In the privacy of your own quiet time.

    J@jj--Oh, dearest, you and me BOTH! I will sacrifice my head for a good glass of Chardonnay any old time. THAT IS WHY THEY MAKE DRUGS!

  13. Nothing good is coming out of that trampoline. I can see the impending accident as a case that 1st year law students will be reading about. It would also add some fun to a Bar Exam scenario. : )


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