Monday, May 28, 2012

In Which A Mainstream Retail Outlet Seemingly Legitimizes Black-Market Child Trafficking (And On A Sunday, Too!)

Scene opens on living room.  Nance is in her huge chair, browsing the Sunday advertisements, while Rick, on couch right, peruses Sports section.  The cats are chasing each other throughout the house, threatening respective mugs of coffee and tea.

Nance:  Anything good in the paper?
Rick:  I'm only looking at the Sports.  The Indians are getting killed--again--by the White Sox.  I don't know what it is about that team.  The Tribe just cannot get past them.
Nance:  At least we smacked Detroit around...hey.  Here's a thing.  Macy's is having a sale on babies.  They're forty percent off.  Look.  (shows Rick the ad pictured above)
Rick:  Huh. can get...let's see...a white girl baby or a white boy baby. 
Nance:  Well, what do you want for forty percent off?  That's why there's not much of a selection.
Rick:  That's for sure.
Nance:  Says here their names are Carter, Levi, and Nautica.  And more.  Well, I don't think much of the names.  They sound---
Rick:  --Levi?  Well, to me that sounds---
Nance:  ---Jewish?
Rick:  No, I was going to say Amish.
Nance:  Yeah, it does sound Amish, too.  And Nautica...
Rick:  Kind of a theme name.  Like the kid will grow up to be a sailor.
Nance:  Well, you know, when we went to Friendship APL and got Piper and Marlowe, they had names already--really terrible and awful and dumb names that I hated.  I just renamed them.  I'm assuming that whoever buys a Forty Percent Off Baby at Macy's can do the same.
Rick:  Does it say these kids come already potty-trained?  Because Piper and Marlowe were already litterbox-trained.
Nance:  (leafs through ad)  Hmm.  No, but the girl is pictured in here walking, so it's a distinct possibility.  Hard to tell.  Diapers now aren't as bulky as they used to be, you know?
Rick:  Doesn't matter, actually.  It's not like we're going to get one anyway.
Nance:  No, but I do need a pair of brown sandals.

End Scene


  1. V-Grrrl9:42 PM

    My husband and I have these sorts of conversations regularly. : )

  2. I remember childbirth as being somewhat uncomfortable. A baby at 40% off would have been awesome, and I wouldn't have had to give up drinking, or looking at my ankles, in the process.

  3. I think they sell these babies at my local ShopRite,too!..

    I have seen it with my own eyes. People with one or two babies in their cart along with the bread,milk and other foods.

    Once, I was particularly taken with the beauty of a curly headed little girl who had been chosen by
    a young woman who now had the kid in her grocery cart.

    I asked her what aisle she had found that beautiful baby in and she became quite angry with me for daring to speak to her or her new purchase. I never did find out exactly where they had all the babies so I never got one.

    I figure I will just go to and order one on line.

    Wonder what the S&H would be on that and would they say, "But,WAIT! Buy now and we will double your order. Just pay separate Shipping and Handling..

    If they do send me two babies would you want one of them?

  4. Nancy--Hm. I always use that little seat (used it copiously today, as a matter of fact) for my purse and my grape tomatoes. :-)

    As far as wanting any babies, hell no. Even the sound of children playing outdoors annoys me, I'm pained to admit. I do love babies, but just the holding, feeding, cuddling part. I feel as if I've done my part in The Baby Department already. Mine are now 27 and 24, and if I somehow became Enceinte, I'd throw myself off a very tall bridge or building. (Even at 40% off or FREE)

    J@jj--LOL! All good points. I remember Rick (Your Hero!) shaving my legs for me when I was pregnant with Sam. I was so big and had such swelling everywhere that I couldn't manage it. I had to have my wedding and engagement rings cut off at one point. Heartbreaking. Naturally, I use all of these things against Sam whenever necessary. A Mother's Prerogative.

    V--Time to share them. Dust off that crazy and put it on the porch like the rest of us. LOL.

  5. A case for truth in advertising? Can anybody be checking the copy? Hmmm. I just saw an ad on T.V. for a car dealership that said "a live person" would answer your call. Not like other companies that have the deceased answering their phones.

    So anyway. I need some brown sandals, too. And a new handbag that's at least 40% off. Maybe if I bought a baby they would throw in the nice handbag. You know, like a "free gift." :-)

    For the record: The WordVer or the 2 words to prove I am not a robot are currently:
    sisislys + fireplace.
    I may have to post this twice because that first word is not only confusing, the i's and the letter l are jammed into all those "esses." I'm thinkin' a robot could actually read that better than I can.

  6. I've often run away from such ads, going, "no no no no!" Just in case they wanted to force the free baby on me. I will take that baby only if I can give it back when it cries, or starts learning to drive!

    Why I had my purse & cherry tomatoes in the baby seat just the other day, AND bananas, lettuce & grapes. It was wonder that the cart didn't tilt over...

  7. Bug--Ugh, new drivers. That had to be the worst-ever part of the boys' teen years. I cannot bear to even recall it, and I am totally serious. Completely.

    You know, I buy a ton of fresh produce, and the joy of Being Retired means that I can go to the grocery store more often to take advantage of the sales and not feel as if I have to stint on fresh stuff because "Who knows when we'll use it?", etc. Whereas grocery shopping used to be a Detested Torture when I was working and had to jam it in after a beastly day at The Rock, now I can go whenever I want, and it's simply another errand. Astonishing.

    Ortizzle--I have been chasing down The Elusive Tasteful Brown Sandal for several years now. My requirements are stringent and, apparently, so outlandish and unreasonable that there is no sandal anywhere ever created that can meet them.

    I share your desire for a new purse/summerish tote-bag combo, but as I have discussed on the blog before, I don't think I dare undertake THAT task without A)alcohol and B)support, which means someone has to be with me and I can't think of ANYONE willing to put himself or herself through such a painful and self-flagellating ordeal.

    RE: Word verification for Blogger. It's RIDICULOUS. I have no control over it, and there are times when I haven't logged in as the blog admin and have to do word ver myself and it's undecipherable. I have to use something, though; the spammers hit my blog so hard as it is (this post got some Canadian retail search for its first comment almost as soon as it went up!), even with word ver. I so appreciate everyone who goes through the hoops to leave thoughts and add to the discussion. I LOVE MY READERS!!

  8. Reading your comments, I see that babies drive you crazy, and you love the free time to go to the grocery store.

    1. You will (most likely) have grandchildren at some time. Grandchildren seem to me to be the reward for going through rearing your own kids. All the fun, then you hand them off and go to bed. Perfect.

    2. I've been working from home for several years now, which means that most days, I have time to run to the store if I want to. I've taken to going before 11 am, and I love it. It's not crowded, the food doesn't look smashed or picked over, it's not crowded, and the employees are still fresh and not exhausted. Did I mention it's not crowded? I can't stand going on the weekend. Or even during the week after 4pm.

    3. (3?) Rick shaved your legs? He IS my hero! You, my friend, have married well. Congratulations. (I once read in Miss Manners that one is not supposed to say 'congratulations' to a woman about her marriage, just to the implies that she's made a 'catch', which implies that she was somehow fishing, or perhaps just a bit desperate, which is unattractive. However, it's fine to say 'congratulations' to a man, because he is SUPPOSED to be thrilled at such a catch. Now is the time for some gender equality, where I ignore any implied insult to your femininity, and admire the fact that you did, indeed, catch a good one. Congratulations.)

    My word verifications sucks. I hope you get to see my comment someday. (third try now...)

  9. j@jj--Everyone is complaining about the new word ver instituted by Google/Blogger. It is hideous, and now includes PHOTOS of numerals. It's terrible. I am so sorry.

    Rick and I always vowed that, when one or both of us retired, we would go to places during the week in order to free up those places for people who had no other options but to go on weekends. It always irked us to see obvious retirees hanging about warehouse club freebie stations obviously "dining out" and cluttering up other retail outlets when we were anxiously trying to get errands done so that we could enjoy our Sacred Weekends at home.

    I'm hoping that my Eventual (DISTANTLY EVENTUAL!!) Grandchildren provide me with an experience such as you describe, should I have any. I do NOT want to be The Daycare Granny. I want to be a Grandma They Visit, and one Who Bakes. Then they go home with some cookies or a chunk of cake and some lovies. The. End.

    Finally, dear: I have and always will maintain that Rick is a far better man than I deserve. He is The Soul Of Patience. Anything I put here on the site is damn near 100% accurate, and as all can see, I don't gild my own lily. From what I can tell, you did well for yourself too. We were smart, you and I, when we selected our husbands. Proof that It Can Be Done. We should write a book.

  10. But Nance, if we wrote a book, telling women how to find The Good Ones, 3/4 of the crap and drivel that occupies the minds of young women would be GONE. Then we could write a book about how stupid dieting is, and get rid of the rest of it. They'd be free to think about greater things, like science, and literature, wine and cheese, avocados and philosophy. Get crackin'!

    I hate the picture of the number. It's stupid.

    I will be the daycare grandma, if I can. I only had one child, and didn't feel done. Still, I would like to have the fun, and send the kids home after.

    Oh, and to be absolutely clear and fair, you scored with Rick. But he also scored with you. Just as Ted and I are very lucky to have found one another. There's no 'better than I deserve' around here. ;)

  11. I hate that you have to go through the baby section in the department stores with those ladies trying to spritz powder on you before you can get to the hand tools.

  12. Murr Brewster--Hello, and welcome to the Dept.! You bring up an excellent point about department stores in general, and malls as well. I really take umbrage at being accosted by strangers hawking fragrance, massage lotions, cell phones, or any wares when I am out shopping, usually for something in particular (in your case, hand tools). Certainly, if they are so concerned that I might miss their kiosk or displays, THEN SAID ARRAYS ARE POORLY ARRANGED AND THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. I detest this Guerilla Marketing. Whew. Thanks for letting me vent about that. I had no idea, actually, that I felt so strongly until you brought it up!

    j@jj--I think Avocados and Philosophy is a terrific name for a book. You've given me something to think about, to be honest. I heartily agree with you that young women (12-30!) need to stop thinking about bullshit like "he's just not into you" and instead start thinking about the kinds of things you and I write and think about--living confidently, intelligently, and still lovingly and humanely with civility in the world.

    I once had a parent of a sophomore girl who said to me at conference, "You know, we specifically requested you to be her teacher. We wanted her to see you as a role model, someone who is strong, smart, and confident, yet attractive and well-liked. She is at the stage where she needs that, and as her mother, I can only do so much." I was incredibly flattered, and I also admired that mother for wanting that for her daughter and identifying it as so important. (The daughter was already terrific, BTW. I was already impressed by her and loved her.)

    Anyway, thanks for something to think about--again!--and for the kind words.

  13. Actually, those babies are 55% off it seems if you use your Macy's card! Now that's a bargain on baby! I will only buy a baby if it's at least 50% off. The mark up on them is just ridiculous.

  14. Stacy--Hi, and welcome to the Dept.! Good catch on the extra 15% savings. Even so, I'm out of the Baby Biz. The ROI on kids is debatable at best, unless you get one who turns out to be a Major Celeb/Wage Earner who buys you cool stuff.


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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