Holy Crap. It's been a week, and I haven't posted. I'm such a slug and a slacker, and it's not like I haven't felt my responsibility most keenly; I have. Have you ever had so many ridiculous hormones performing scenes from Hamlet and A Streetcar Named Desire in your body at once that you just can't stop feeling strung out long enough to accomplish anything beyond the basics?
Really? Really, you have? Then you are my very best friend right now. Let's get hammered.
Anyway. Here's some stuff.
Jared, my enormous child (and you just go ahead and take that any old way you want to) moved home from college in a heap of boxes and laundry last week. He is an English lit. major, and here is an example of the discussions we are now having at the Dept.:
Me: ...so how did that paper finally turn out?
Him: You will be thrilled to know that I employed the semicolon copiously in it. I did it for you, actually.
Me: I told you! The semicolon is the hallmark of an accomplished and mature writer.
Him: It's vastly overrated. It's extraneous in the extreme.
Me: You're full of it.
Him: What!?
Me: You heard me. I'm maligning your veracity. What will you do about it?
Him: I'll...I'll...gesticulate maliciously! (makes threatening motions at my face)
Me: You look like you're vogueing.
My birthday was on the 3rd. I turned 49. I hate birthdays like that: 29, 39, 49. They sound fakey. They sound like I'm trying to lie and hold on to some last vestige of an age that I'm not really still at. I really am 49; I'm not actually 50 and claiming to still be in my forties, hanging onto that decade. So now, when people say something about my age or it comes up and I say, "I'm 49," I might get that sad little look, or that knowing wink wink nudge nudge look that says, "sure you are, honey; sure you are." Sigh. Bullshit. I'd rather be 50 and get it over with. FIFTY. Okay. Maybe not. That sounds pretty serious. F I F T Y. Geeze. I'll start cultivating a fake British accent or something to convey that gravitas. I have a year to work on it.
Finally, I haven't done a haiku for the longest time. I really like them, too. They're short, they force you to economize your thoughts, and they really encapsulate an issue. Here's a political one. Do flex your own haiku muscle in Brainstorms.
Only Democrats
Could screw up an election
After eight Bush years.
Didn't you use to think that the hormones of youth were incredibly powerful? They are like whiny sissies compared to the hormones of menopause. One good thing about a hysterectomy and the resulting "surgically-induced menopause" is that because you don't have a uterus any longer, you can take a low dose of estrogen by itself and be sane again. It's the estrogen with progestin that's been implicated in higher cancer rates, but not the low doses of estrogen alone per my gyno. Praise God for that. My DH and my DS can tell you stories of the period between my hysterectomy and going on estrogen. I think my DS feels more maimed by that time period than if I'd beat him daily.
ReplyDeleteI love the conversation between you and your son. I confess I wouldn't mind having a conversation with my son like that, but he is a business major. His creative writing is actually excellent, but he would never be discussing semi-colons.
I think you'll be far more fond of turning 49 once you hit FIFTY. The British accent sounds like a good idea. Why not get the Jag to go with it?!
Best Haiku ever! LOL Nothing like fighting each other when you have the "stay in Iraq 100 years" opponent ... jeez.
P.S. Happy Birthday!! Honestly, I think you'll cut any nonbelievers (of your age being 49) a look that will stop them dead in their tracks.
ReplyDeleteYour haiku made me feel sick to my stomach. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteMy husband shares your birthday! Yay May 3rd! :)
Happy birthday. Enjoy 49. Then next year, enjoy 50. That'll show 'em.
Happy Belated Birthday Nance!!!!!! And your Haiku says it best...totally.
ReplyDeleteHappy Belated Birthday!!
ReplyDeleteAren't the college boxes and laundry just oh-so-fun? I hated always loading our living room full of boxes when I came home. I felt bad, but there was nowhere else for them to go!
Squee!! BUNNIES! I LOVE THE BUNNIES!
ReplyDeleteSorry, you lost me after "Let's get hammered."
Ok, no, not really, but that sounds like a lovely idea. Sitting in a loung chair, slowly sipping mai tais (or insert your drink of choice here) until we're good and drunk. Then, sleeping it off for a day or so.
I LOVE the conversation you had with your son. Funny!
I really haven't
Any good thing to haiku
I'll fake like I do
1. Happy birthday!
ReplyDelete2. I want to come to your house for wild gesticulating conversations.
3. Tell people you are 48. Next year, tell them 47. See how that works?
4. That haiku should be sent to Brian Williams. He could wear a special tie just for you when he reads it on-air.
5. Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Life has been extraordinarily hectic of late.
Hey, if you're comin South this summer, we MUST get together (NOT at Denny's). I'll promise to wear shoes that won't embarrass you (much) and make loud jokes that will embarrass you (a lot).
ReplyDeleteOh good GOD, I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry I forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday. I hope it was a good one! (I'm 39, I get the same thing...)
ReplyDeleteck--oh hell. don't apologize. not a big deal. but thanks.
ReplyDeletev-grrrl--i AM coming south, actually. believe me, if i can fit in a meet-up, it will happen. even if we have to confab at a denny's. do yours serve alcohol? lol.
scarlet--nice to see you back at the Dept.! i was getting ready to hang an "available" sign on your cubicle.
1. oh thanks.
2. anytime
3. i'd lose track.
4. BW wears ties only to nettle me
5. so i see. new house AND new canine friend!
ck--i have had that bunny pic saved for eons!! so glad to finally have a post on which to use it. and i can't drink mai tais. i'm allergic to rum. have you ever heard anything so sad? thank god i can still pound down the vodka.
jenomena--i will probably never see a clear path in the laundry room until august.
tera--thank you. and i wish the haiku was NOT TRUE.
j.@jj--i defiantly celebrate all birthdays just because every year in public highschool education is a victory! I SHOW THEM ALL!!!!!!
shirley--forget the Jag. I'll get a chauffeur.
Nance,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about your birthday.
I knew I was getting old when I stopped lying about my age and began lying about my kid's age. I had a son who was 40 and I told everybody he was 39.....
Like this poetry?
No,I like meter and rhyme
Well then, Haiku you!
Let me be honest
ReplyDeleteI'd love a woman leader
Just not Hillary
i.h.--I have no real problems with Hillary; she's intelligent, she's prepared, she's informed, and she's not afraid of anything. I do understand that there is a real danger of a Bush-Clinton Dynasty factor. I have a problem with that most of all. I feel like we need real change, but I also feel like we need a woman. It's such a tough call.
ReplyDeletenancy--LOL!!! maybe you can rent a younger kid.