Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What Do Nance and Old Faithful Have In Common? Every Once In A While, We've Gotta Blow.

This may very well be the result of some Serious Hormone Influence, or it may be the Aftermath of Post-Essay Grading Stress, but I'm just a wee bit grumpy and in need of a catharsis. I'm going to see if a bit of a brain enema can't "mellow me out," as we used to say back in the old days.

Just as a sort of postscript to my previous post regarding ladies who dine out, here's another little irritant that frosts my cupcakes. My sister and I were recently on what has now become our Annual Mom Haul, wherein we transport our mother across state lines to visit her sisters in Pennsylvania (state nickname "Home of Patsy's Relatives"), and we stopped this time to transfer custody of Patsy to her sister Shirley at a Denny's conveniently located halfway between Cleveland and Gettysburg. We all trooped in and had a little lunch before resuming our journeys homeward. While waiting for our food, I glanced around and saw a woman pull a huge emery board out of her purse which was sitting on the table. This alone was enough to horrify me. Like many women, I often have no choice but to put my purse on any number of unsanitary surfaces in any given week. There is, therefore, no freaking way I am ever putting it on the same surface from which I plan to eat or drink. No way. Then, of course, she starts to FILE HER NAILS VIGOROUSLY AT THE TABLE. IN A PUBLIC RESTAURANT.

All right. Yes. It is only a Denny's. I am aware. But it is still a public place and a restaurant. This is when I think it should be permissible for me to make a Citizen's Arrest. Immediately.

Oh, but it gets even worse.

She then, for some reason, proceeded to take out, from the depths of her enormous bag, a smaller purse. It was a fish-scale sequined clutch purse with a chain strap. It was all I could do not to A)weep, and B)call the police immediately. I mean, come ON. She was wearing a tee shirt and a hoodie. In a Denny's. Off of the Interstate.
Does anyone feel my pain? Anyone? It was at that moment that I felt very keenly the fact that Denny's does not serve alcohol.

The second thing I want to vent about is this news item that I heard about last night. No doubt many misguided young women are hopeful and excited about it. They are, alas, young and that accounts for their...misguided-ness. Just because researchers think that they may one day soon develop a birth control pill for men does not mean that women are off the hook! As the mother of two young men in their twenties, I know of what I speak. Here is a typical conversation between me and either of my sons regarding him taking any daily medication necessary for any aspect of his wellness:

Me: Hey, did you take your pill today?
Him: Huh?
Me: Your pill. Did you take it?
Him: Umm....I think so.
Me: Well, you have to! It's important. The doctor said you have to take it, and the same time every day.
Him: Mom! I know!
Me: But you don't even know if you took it or not.
Him: Jesus! Let me go count!
Me: Oh. My. God. How ridiculous.
Him: (distant) Shit!
Me: What!? What happened?
Him: They fell in the sink and some went down the drain. I hope you're happy now.

And trust me: the threat of an impending pregnancy will add little incentive. Guys just don't think that far in advance, especially if there is still female birth control as an option. The only way a male birth control pill will work is if they put something in it to make his penis bigger. Then they'll take it.

And you know I'm right.


  1. I think if it were marketed so that guys thought they might score more often if they took the pill, it might happen...

    They don't serve alcohol at your Denny's? Is that because PA is a dry-ish state (what with the state stores and closed on Sunday, etc.)? Our local Denny's not only serves wine at the table, they have a full bar off to the side! You gotta come to Cali, Nance, and enjoy the thrill of fine wine available at Safeway, 7-11, and anywhere else you might want to go. Oh, and beer and 'spirits', too. All in one place. No wonder we're all Godless heathens out here!

  2. A full bar at Denny's ?!?!? Who knew the world was so diverse?

    Did the woman with the file finish off by flossing her teeth and then giving her a hair a vigorous brushing? I'm so sorry that you are exposed to these kinds of sights Nance. I'm sorry for us all.

  3. Oh the hype of a male birth control pill. I would never entrust that to a guy! I mean, I don't trust myself to take a pill everyday! You're right about the incentive guys need to take that though!

  4. Anonymous10:47 AM


    Remember that restaurant I told you I worked in? Yeah, you know the one where I was the hostess? We had lots of weird people as patrons. I WISH all they had done was file their fingernails at the table.

    One day an older woman came in and ordered a tuna salad plate and a glass of water.

    When her order arrived she took out her TEETH and put them in the water and proceeded to eat her tuna salad. I thought the waitress would die, but she thought quickly and covered the glass with a napkin.

    We all took a vow that we would remember this woman's face( We knew we would recognize her teeth) so that she would never get in our place again. And, though she tried, she was turned away many times and finally quit trying......

  5. There was an undergraduate in my department who would clip his nails in the middle of class. Thank Jesus he's long gone.

    In other news, as far as birth control goes, I think it's the woman's responsibility to decide how much is used (since it's her body and ultimately her decision what would happen if she got pregnant). And so it's her responsibility to take the pill if she wants to or to tell the man he needs to wear a condom. And if she wanted him to take some sort of pill in the future, it would be her responsibility to tell him to take it or to stick it somewhere else.

    I can't imagine many women trusting men to take this pill anyway, so I think in the future, most will just stick to the girl pill and condoms. Unless in an individual scenario, the woman has the man absolutely whipped. i.e. if someone were dating Jackson H.

  6. i.h.--Oh, I would never trust the guy to provide/be on the birth control. And with regard to "ultimately her decision what would happen if she got pregnant"...not if certain people get the Supreme Court that they want!!

    nancy--I would, quite simply, never get over that. Ever.

    jenomena--that would be the incentive for ANYTHING for a lot of men. seriously. what a LOL.

    j.--after that woman displayed such egregious PRE-dining behavior, I assiduously avoided looking over there again. and thank you for appreciating the situation.

    j.@jj--get OUT. your Denny's is where it's AT, apparently. California is such a trade-off place: booze at Denny's, BUT earthquakes. Godless heathens, BUT mudslides and forest fires. Napa valley, BUT Arnold Schwarzenegger. sigh. but a visit might be worth it.

  7. I'm glad that woman didn't pull out a hairbrush from her never-ending bag of tricks and begin working on her hair...I think you may have ended up in jail.

    Men will never take a birth control pill. I doubt they'd take it even if it did make the penis bigger, because that would require a commitment.

    P.S the wee one is just perfect...didn't you get the pictures I sent?!

  8. I have seen people cutting toenails at the poolside, which I consider disgusting beyond belief, so anything even remotely similar performed in a restaurant would probably scar me for life.

    A male contraceptive pill? The fact that the article said they were years away from "testing it on humans" (read: MEN!) is because most of the people testing it are probably men, and they know that the male population is never going to take a pill for something that isn't going to make their bodies expand exponentially if they don't take it (unless, as you say, it makes one of THEIR body parts expand exponentially, lol.) We already have proof of that with Viagra: there has to be a very alluring consequence for men to be bothered to take a pill.

  9. Anonymous10:31 AM

    Nina--I AM STILL LAUGHING over "that would require a commitment."


    Denny's. Just saying it out loud is enough. Going into it? Nail filing? Oh forget it.

    BTW--I never put my purse down. Never. I'll balance it on my head before I let it touch a bathroom floor or be propped on a sink!

    And finally, which is worse, asking a son if he took his pill or whether he used a a condom? I think I'd have to settle for, "You didn't make me a grandma last night, did you?" Me and my boy, we talk in code.

  10. There's nothing like a PDPG! (public display of personal grooming) I was thinking the only thing that would've made it worse was if she had starting clipping them....with a toothpick in her mouth. ewwww! They just put a candy coating around that birth control pill. Maybe then they would remember it. But they would probably take them all at once.

  11. simplypink--you know, i'm used to my students applying makeup and combing their lovely locks during class. that's a given. i just refuse to stop expecting more from adults who should, clearly, know better. sigh.

    v-grrrl--oh, the hell with codes. i'm just not that subtle. my son will never, ever let me forget the family thanksgiving where i announced the appearance of his pubic hair. sigh. yes: i have a Therapy Savings Account. For them.

    ortizzle--i always laugh at the warning on tv: "call your doctor for any erection lasting 4 hours or more." LOL. are you kidding? i know men who would take viagra JUST FOR THAT CLAIM ALONE!!

    nina--oh, i hear you LOUD AND CLEAR!! and yes, I got the pictures. he is adorable. i just check on progress anytime I can. and how are YOU!?

  12. Anonymous8:37 AM

    Oh...sad but true. You have much wisdom on this matter. Mother of sons, signing off!

  13. Shit, does that mean I have to put away my fish-scale sequined purse that I carry everyhwere?

  14. OMG, there are too many funny things here to comment on them all!

    Nance--I am glad you have that therapy fund set up for your sons (I thought I was bad when I asked ours in front of family if he was able to go to the bathroom ... don't remember his exact age, but he was old enough that it bothered him A LOT and I am sure I've asked equally offensive questions since). And, my husband always responds to the TV when the Viagra warning comes on--"why would I want to do that?" LOL.

    V-Love your planned code language, but I suspect if he responds, "Ummm, I don't think so." you might get more specific. Here's hoping you don't have to worry about that for a LONG time. Heck, I don't want to think about it and I have a 20-year old.

    In general, I would have NEVER relied on a man for the birth control.

    As far as personal hygiene in a public place, this one is not exactly in the same league, but I have never quite recovered from witnessing a mother let her toddler pee into the dolphin pool after our dolphin petting experience in the Bahamas.

    Oh, I just remembered one more ... I stopped using ANY brushes or sponges in ANY workplace kitchen, when a co-worker told me that she witnessed another person using the dish brush to scrub off the dry skin on his arms. My stomach rolls at the thought.

    Love the Einstein bunny!

  15. shirley--re: the dry skin thing. ick. why are some people just too awful? and i'm glad you still look at the sidebar bunny!!

    gina--were you in PA at a Denny's recently? and YES, you do.

    a.l.--at least you and i are realistic.

  16. Nance, you are SO right!!!!

    And so since this post proves that you have some of the same issues that I do, how do you feel when you're sitting at the dinner table...FINE dining...totally not even Denny's and some idiot goes and blows his nose??? AFTER the food has been served!!! I'm sorry, I don't need boogars and snot curd residue which he has contributed to the shared air around us in my damned food!!! Ugh! Sorry for ranting.

    P.S. You totally know what your title to this post did to me...excuse me while I get my mind out of the gutter!

  17. tera--i'm with you on the noseblowing. i also hate when the busboys start vacuuming or sweeping near me during my meal in any restaurant. HIDEOUS.


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