Monday, September 03, 2007

News From The Fashion Fitting Room Front: Bluejean Bulletin

Every woman knows of the Top Three Fashion Terrors To Shop For. For those who are Not Of A Certain Age or who are simply so incredibly addicted to shopping that you are braindead, they are, in order:
1. bathing suit
2. bra
3. bluejeans

This weekend, Saturday to be exact, I went in pursuit of #3.

I probably should have gone in pursuit of #2 instead since I have been wearing the same one, unhappily I might add, for the past few years. Don't judge me! Do you know what it's like to look down into my bra each and every single day and see something eerily reminiscent of two morose teabags lying against the sides of their mugs, fearfully awaiting the boiling water? Ever since losing so much weight so rapidly, I have no idea what size I might be anymore, and this bra is the only one I own that is even remotely close to fitting me. And I cut the onerous tag out of it eons ago. Oh, and don't even suggest a professional fitting. I've seen those old ladies on tv and it just creeps me right out of my skin. The stuff they say is enough to make me tear up.

But I digress. I think I was talking about shopping for bluejeans.

Okay, then.


I hit Express first because when it comes to pants, that is the store that never fails me. I am a straight-up, don't-even-have-to-try-it-on size 2 at Express. Until it comes to jeans, apparently. Now, it is not enough to just have "X2" jeans at Express. They have to have personality jeans as well. Their jeans have names: Stella, Eva, and Zelda. The names have little profiles, like Zelda is "shy around boys." Give me a break. If Zelda is so shy around boys, then why is she "ultra low rise and slim fit" which is jeanspeak for "so tight and slutty that I could not breathe or sit down without exposing my crack"? I ended up with a non-personality pair of bluejean trousers from their more, er...sedate line of real people pants that had no Name Ending In A.

As we browsed the outdoor shopping, "Lifestyle Centre"--these hoity-toity upspeak names kill me, they really do--we decided to stop at the Gap. I am old enough to remember when Gap jeans were the ugly stepchild of Levis, and no one would be caught dead wearing them. Now they are de rigeur and there is a Gap on every corner and in every Lifestyle Centre of chic cities and upscale districts. Anyway, Gap was having a sale on selected pairs of jeans, so I was ready to try some on. But...holy crap. There were eleventy billion kinds of jeans. I eavesdropped on an instructional talk that a gorgeous and knowledgeable salesgirl (of about 14) was giving to a similarly overwhelmed woman about the vast array of bluejean choices available, but soon I became bored and confused. I simply grabbed a 2R in every single style and headed into the fitting room. Readers, I had about 30 pounds of jeans in my arms. At least.

Boot cut, classic, curvy, long and lean, essential, flare, skinny, was insane. I ended up buying a pair but I have absolutely no frikkin' idea which one except that it was not one of the ones that was on sale. Of. Course.

And! All the ones I tried on were size twos, but not all of them fit.

How is that possible? And why do we accept it?

Heavy sigh.

I am not looking forward to bra shopping.
Vintage Dept. of Nance--a special day at physical therapy


  1. Anonymous6:40 PM

    So true, so true, all of it. I have gained a lot of weight over the last few years, and I am no where near a size 2. Shopping for a fatt butt with all these low rise numbers is depressing. The last time I went, I spent at least 3 hours in various places in the mall, and came out with whatever pair did not make me look like a pear.

    Whew! (I already did the bra shopping. There just has to be a better way to spend the day.)

  2. Anonymous6:52 PM

    On Vintage Nance: Waiting rooms are really a mini version of an airport. Where every kind of nut case imaginable is on display, usually for extended time periods. And now, we can add the cell phone to the equation, just in case there is a shortage of ballerinas. ;-)

  3. I went bra shopping not too long ago and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. In more ways than one.

  4. I went bluejean shopping this weekend too! Luckily I've found a brand/size (Levi 515, 10L) to fit and I just grabbed them off the shelf. I'm sticking with them until I change size or they decided to discontinue them (or worse, only carry them in the "destressed" look). The last brand that fit me well decided that all of their jeans needed to be torn up in one way or another. I hate jean shopping (always have) because I'm skinny and my legs are miles long.

    As for bras, I found a bra at Victoria's Secret that rocked my socks, and I have it in 5 colors. Again, sticking with them until something changes.

    As for bathing suits...ugh. I was wearing a hand-me-down from my grandmother (trust me, it was cute and not "grandmothery"). Luckily I found a random one on clearance when I was out with a friend, but truly, bathing suit shopping is an exhausting experience.

  5. Oh, God. I hate shopping for jeans. It sucks having a relatively fat ass and skinnier legs because you either end up with something way too tight at the top or way too loose at the bottom. I know they make jeans that are supposed to fit that way, but they're never on sale, and I'm not about to spend $50 or more on a pair of jeans. No freakin' way.

    At least with the whole being a boy thing, I avoid Fashion Terrors 1 and 2. And being a gay boy lets me avoid ever having to deal with menstruation, ever. Yay!

  6. I need jeans and bras. Devistating.

  7. Anonymous11:17 AM

    "Zelda is shy around boys"... OMG, that had me cracking up! I really would rather my jeans not have a personality.

    I used to buy jeans every few months, and always on sale. They would fit for a while (although never quite right) and then become disfigured and saggy.

    One day I decided I'd had enough. I tried on the most amazing pair of $180 jeans and I was sold. I wear them at least four times per week and they're the best investment I've ever made!

    On another note, go bra shopping and get fitted. A few minutes of torture is worth it when you see your girls regain their perkiness!! Oh, and when you buy a bra that fits, get at least three of them. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to find a discontinued bra.

    Thanks for the early morning giggles!

  8. Size 2? I wouldn't be size 2 if you stripped the flesh from my bones. Go bra-shopping. An armful weighs less than the jeans.

  9. I don't think I EVER wore a 2!!! There may have been a 2 with another number next to it a time or two...but...well anyways...

    I think that tailors all around are conspiring with weight loss programs. They cut the clothes smaller so that people can think they've gained all this weight and diet to get into them. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!

    Bra shopping sucks! They can measure you at Victoria's Secret as long as you can stomach it!

  10. ortizzle--the size is not the issue. women of all sizes go through this. it is universal. i went through it in every size from 16 to 0. it's horrid.

    ortizzle 2--airports have nothing on the DMV/BMV. i hate going to renew my license, yet feel grateful that i never know anyone in there.

    gina--sigh. are you..."amply endowed?" i never have ever been. but of all the things i've lost, i miss my boobs the most.

    jenomena--i have never, ever even been IN a victoria's secret. for some reason, the place makes me think of seedy prostitutes and whores. maybe i am confusing it with frederick's of hollywood.

    i.h.--even straight boys don't menstruate. just wanted to clear that up. ;-)

    scarlet--enough to go bra shopping with?

    nina--i don't think it's wise to do both at the same time. without alcohol or pharmaceuticals. i had had a dirty martini--up--before the jeans shopping.

    girlanddog--i couldn't ever spend that on a single pair of pants. period. i am too cheap. rick almost had to physically carry me to the register to pay $70 for the denim trousers at express. i'm still not over it.

    a2 Nancy--it's not the weight of the merchandise; it's the weight of the task. heavy sigh.

    tera--you stick to that, girl! whatever you need...! as far as bra shopping, i'd rather grab a bunch of teeny bras myself and hope that i have to work up from there. lol.

  11. Fredrick's is definitely seedier! Though it depends which VS you go into, the one in this town is fine, but there's one in Columbus that is very much like walking into a brothel. At any rate, I usually order through the catalog!

  12. Yes, but straight boys have to deal with their girlfriends' menstruations. For me, it's just something I can file under "icky girl stuff that I'll never have to think about" in my head.

  13. Anonymous1:30 AM

    Awright. I'll still trade ya for a size 2. At least there would be a lot of other clothes I could wear, LOL.

  14. Anonymous6:31 PM

    You have much wisdom! I used to be so incredibly thin that I could simply "eyeball" a pair of jeans from the 5-7-9 shop (I was a 6) and they hung on me in a way that--today--would make me squeal like a little girl. Now I put it off as long as possible...the trying on, that is.

  15. There are so many different types of jeans and sizes -- even from one company like Levis -- that I get anxiety attacks shopping for them.

  16. jen--if only i could do bra shopping reliably a la catalog!!

    i.h.--point goes to you!

    ortizzle--if you can find them. most women's depts. start at size 4-6. i do a lot of shopping in "younger" stores and hope not to look like my students. (at least that's the way shopping is here in oh. i've heard that in slimmer demographics, it is different. but OH is a more generous-sized state.)

    wordgirl--several years ago, my friend and i used to walk into the 5-7-9 store just to scare the salespeople by making them think we would try on their stuff--which wouldn't even fit over our thigh. why are the salesgirls at those stores always so awful?

    neil--at least men have sensible sizing: waist and inseam. or don't they anymore?

  17. Anonymous11:59 AM

    Jeans. Sigh. It's been years and years since I looked good in them. Now I just settle for a fit that doesn't make me want to pluck an eye out. It seems I'm always between sizes--too big for this, too small for that. Strangely enough, since my ass has gotten fatter and squarer, it's been easier to find jeans that fit.

    My beef is with the patch flap pockets that are so in vogue. When your ass is both chunky AND square, those pockets make it look like a piece of carry on luggage. So sad.

    And bras, oh Nance, it's a sad, sad state of affairs there. I'm a girl with a broad back and little boobs. My bras should have saucers, not cups.

    As for bathing suits, the swim mini skirt and halter top I bought from Lands End this summer turned out to be unexpectedly cute. I actually liked wearing them this past summer, even though I weigh more now than ever.

  18. Hey, knock it off. We saw Mike Tyson outside after a Cavs game and you called him a rapist and I'm pretty sure he heard you. Also, you know a fantastic young sports columnist for Plus, it could be worse, THIS COULD BE DETROIT!



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