Authorities found the body of one of my former students on 12 February. Walt had been missing since late August when he failed to show up for lunch with one of his kids. They found him in a wooded area out past some hiking trails not so very far from one of my grocery stores. I drive past that area on that pretty road fairly often. There are nature preserves there, and some dog owners like to run their pets in the clearing.
I remember when Rick came home and told me Walt was missing. It was sad and terrible news, and I knew it was ominous. "This won't end well," I said, "unless Walt is somebody else now."
In October, the family and some friends organized a search party. "I feel so bad for the family," I told Rick. "Do you want to show up and help?" he asked. "No," I said. "I was his sophomore English teacher; even then, only briefly. And I don't want to go out and look for a body."
My time with Walt was, indeed, brief. He was added to my third period Basic English class about midway through the year. I already had his brother, who was a star running back for the football team, in my other Basic class. It was probably around 1983. Walt came from a juvenile facility where he had spent quite a bit of time. (You might recall from my story about Jeremy that my class was the usual landing spot for such kids.) He was on probation and a short leash, but I didn't get any details. He was merely plopped into my class with a transfer form. As usual.
He gave me no trouble as far as routine discipline. He sat where assigned. He was respectful. He wasn't late to class. But did he bring a book, pen/pencil, paper each day? Not usually. I didn't make a big deal out of it and supplied whatever he lacked, as I did for everyone. No, the problem with Walt was that he was high almost every single day, and he often couldn't stay upright or even in his seat. He was a mess. Even so, when Walt wasn't too obliterated, he could be funny and charming. When he could manage to be sober, he was a gentleman. And he tried.
I found out from my usual Reliable Source--a smart, peppy girl from their neighbourhood named Darla--that Walt's dad and uncle were in jail. That Walt figured he'd end up there and share a cell with one of them at some point. He ran with a bad crowd that he'd hooked back up with the minute he'd gotten out of the facility.
I decided that I wasn't going to send Walt out for being high. It was better to keep him in the room and try to get him to do something. One day two assistant principals knocked on my classroom door, called me out into the hall, and asked, "Is Walt in there?" When I assured them that he was, one asked, "Does he have his yellow gym bag with him?
"Yes, he does. Why?"
"Okay. We have information that he has a gun in the bag. You need to send him out here and make sure he brings the bag with him."
(Dear Readers, you and I know now, in 2024, how much is So Wrong about this conversation. But it was 1983; I was 24 years old and in my third year of teaching; school shootings were Unheard Of.)
I was too dumb to even be in shock, I think. I merely went inside and said, "Walt, they want you to go to the office. Please hand in your book and your work, and be sure to take all your things with you." He did exactly that, and I never saw him again.
Every so often his name would pop up in the local paper. He'd be arrested for a rash of break-ins at gas stations or convenience stores. He'd threaten the cashier, say he had a gun, but he never did. I'd read the article and shake my head. Poor Walt.
Poor Walt, found dead under the trees in the brush. I feel sad and helpless and impotent. What in the hell did I do for him, all those years ago? Him or Jeremy? Sometimes it feels as if what I was up against was insurmountable. For some of my kids, they were in a hole so deep, my ladder couldn't begin to step them up and out. A lot of people who lay blame on our education system and teachers need to shut the hell up. They have no idea.
Despite the life that Walt led, he didn't deserve to lie cold and alone in the woods. I hold him in my heart.
Oh my God, Nance! I can't even imagine and the fact that you knew this child makes it a thousand times worse. The stories my son and daughter in law tell me about their students (in elementary school) horrify me; I can only imagine what those children's lives will be like when (and if) they reach high school. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteGigi--Hugs appreciated. Despite it being over forty years ago, I still feel so sad. Too many kids have the deck stacked against them. Walt is a perfect example. If he had had his brother's talents for football, would things have been different? I don't know.
DeleteThis is heartbreaking. What a sad situation. Too bad the system did not get him the help he needed. This was a long time ago. To think his life was most likely off the rails for years. What a shame.
ReplyDeleteErnie--It was, indeed, a very long time ago, and I can't speak to what sort of resources were available to Walt and/or his family at the time and whether or not they availed themselves of them. As his teacher, it was shameful how much I was kept in the dark, too.
DeleteAnd, yes, it does seem his life was on a downward trajectory for years and years. I wonder why. I wonder what started it that way and why his brother's lives were different. The whole thing just makes me incredibly sad. I can't seem to get him off my mind.
I'm so sorry, so sorry for you and for the life Walt led because he felt and was shown he had no other choice. I see some tough situations with the kids I work with, thankfully they are in medical foster care and some have been since birth, but there are others, exposed to drugs so intensely while developing in their birth mother they will never be the productive, regulated adults they will need to be. I see one right now, adopted by a beautiful family that is heading in a very bad direction, the parents make excuses for his bad behavior all the time, I remind them the police, a boss, a high school teacher, a smart mouthed teenager is not going to wait for an excuse, they are going to act. It is a sad, sad story seen over an over. And you are right no one deserves to die alone in the woods.
ReplyDeleteMeredith--It's so good to see you here, my friend. XO
DeleteI know you see so many kids in similar situations and wish you could do or say something that will make a radical difference in their lives. It's like watching a movie and warning the characters of impending danger, yet they cannot hear you and simply move on in the plot.
(Please know I think of you more often than you could imagine. Be well.)
What a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry, Nance.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne--Thank you. I appreciate that.
DeleteI'm so so sorry. It really does feel like such an uphill battle for so many kids, and doing your job, your best, isn't enough. Not your fault. Our fundamental systems are flawed.
ReplyDeleteBug--Thank you. One of the reasons I retired when I did was because I was just plain exhausted. I realized that no matter what I did, it was never, ever going to be enough. That was pretty much the underlying message from all levels of administration to teachers. That, and Do More With Less. I'd had 30 years of that, and it was enough.
DeleteSo sad. Just heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteVera--Yes, it is. I can't seem to shake it.
DeleteYes. Me too. I had Walt. Some of them made it. Some did not. And mostly, given that I taught in a biggish city, a 'working man's' city, I never knew. Nance, we tried. With the tools we had and the time we had, we tried our damndest. That it did not work, sometimes, and the boy (almost always a boy) ended up lost, is sad. Sickening. Wrong. So, yes, mourn. But do not blame yourself. Or even the authorities, who also tried, with tools that were inadequate, antiquated and often badly wielded. I do not blame the parent, either, in fact. It is all of us together, who create a world where those kids cannot prosper.
ReplyDeleteMourning with you. This cry is beautiful and I am crying too.
Mary--Oh my, we did try. And it doesn't help to try and lay blame at this point, either; you're right. I'd like to think that there are more resources now for boys like Walt and Jeremy and all the others. I'd like to think that there are more safety nets in place and that parents have more places to turn for help.
DeleteThank you for your lovely comment which brought tears to my eyes anew. As a fellow teacher, you know. And I'm glad that Walt is being mourned with compassion here.
Drug and alcohol abuse is such a terrible plague. I'm so for your pain and hope you can hold it close to your heart that you helped as much as you could.
ReplyDeleteEngie--Thank you. I did try to do what I could--as naive as I was. And you're right: addiction is a plague and a horrible ordeal for anyone, let alone one so young. Its tentacles reach into every part of a life as well as the lives of others.
DeleteWhat did you do for Walt all those years ago? You treated him with respect which well could have been a first for him. What a sad story.
ReplyDeleteAlly--Thank you for saying that. As I mentioned, I liked Walt, and I wanted so much better for him. I wanted him to know that. And the kids in the class did, too. Such a waste and so sad.
DeleteGod bless Walt. I am glad he had you in his life, even briefly. You did what you could do, and that sounds like much more than anyone else did. I hope he has found a happier existence now.
ReplyDeleteBridget--What a kind thing to say; thank you. I hope that Walt is at least at peace after such a turbulent life. Everyone needs some Peace.
DeleteDee--Thank you. I know you understand. Even though I know that Walt wasn't a Good Guy, per se, in the purest sense, he was up against so much. I still feel for him and his family. He didn't deserve this end.
ReplyDeleteThis is so sad; I'm sorry for this loss. It sounds like he knew nothing else aside from a life of crime. What could you have done? Nothing. You did what you could and you gave him a safe spot when he was in your class. May he RIP.
ReplyDeleteBB Suz--I read that Walt lived with his mother. I found myself wondering a great deal about that.
DeleteMaybe she was doing what she could as well, giving him a home and a place for his kids to find him as well. I don't know anything about his adult life at home.
It's a completely sad story in every respect. I, too, hope he is finally at peace. Thanks for your sympathy here.
Oh how heartbreaking, I'm so very sorry. That you decided not to send him to the office when he was high, that was a kindness he likely didn't get often. I think that school can be a horrible place for some, and a true refuge for others. I wish Walt and Jeremy's stories had happier endings. I wish there were a simple solution that could prevent this outcome for others. What a sad, sad way to die, alone in the woods. It's just heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteJ--Thank you. It's true about school being a refuge for some kids and a nightmare for others. And in jr. high and high school that can change, classroom by classroom, throughout the day. During the last ten years or so of my time in education, I know that there was a great deal of work put into making kids feel supported and part of a community, especially on the jr. high level. Maybe research and training was catching up and working on those solutions for boys like Walt.
DeleteNance, I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm so sad about our society that makes it so difficult for kids to thrive. You made so many rungs on your ladder for Walt and Jeremy--as you say the hole was just too deep. Thank you for being there and for trying... and for mourning. Sending you love and peace.
ReplyDeletemaya--Thank you. It was so very many years ago, but this one has shaken me more than I thought it would. Maybe because it makes me question what good I really did for some kids, you know? Some of my kids were probably sitting in my class thinking, "What in the heck is this going to do for me, ever?" And they were right.
DeleteThat, and the fact that despite all Walt's obvious problems, I did like him. I wanted better for him. I was young and got personally invested. So it's the Young Me that almost can't accept this. Sigh.
Oh, I am so sorry, for you and your sadness, for Walt in his situation. It's awful to feel like he never had a chance. Heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteccr--Thank you. And that's the point--it's as if he never had a chance. I don't even know what it would have taken. That truly is so heartbreaking.
DeleteI'm so sorry, Nance. Walt's story is so sad (as was Jeremy's) and I feel your heartbreak. Even as a former third-grade teacher, I had students who were troubled and went on to a life of multiple arrests and prison. Just thinking about them still makes me sad so I can imagine how sad you feel about Walt and his tragic ending. There was clear good in the troubled students I had but you could see them going down a certain path and know that things would not end well. So much of the sadness with such students comes from what might have been. The potential quickly disappears because once the dominoes start following, it's very rare that they're stopped. The grace and kindness you bestowed on Walt was a gift for someone who didn't receive many gifts at all. Love to you, my friend. Too often this world is unbearably harsh.
ReplyDeleteShirley
Shirley--It's always a gift to see you in my Comments, dear friend. XO
DeleteWhat you have said about Unrealized Potential is so true. That's the terrible part. The flashes of Good and Capability in Walt that I saw were destined to be rare, and in my heart, I knew it. Your analogy of the dominoes is so apt. That you could see the same thing in third grade students is incredibly tragic. Maybe even moreso, really. Kids that young! The public at large truly has no idea what teachers do and are up against.
Thank you for your kind words and empathy. As always, they mean so much.
That is so sad, Nance; all of it. My daughter has taught/had different administrative positions throughout the Cleveland school system for 10 years now. The stories she tells breaks my heart. The stories about what these kids go through to try and make a better life for themselves, or their siblings. The kids she taught years ago, now dead. Some she has known very well, and when their story comes up on the news just like this, it is awful for her. I know she has made a difference, though; I will always be so proud of her. I know, from Megan's experience at least, some times all these kids have is a teacher who believes in them.
ReplyDeleteElle--Megan is a hero. Period.
DeleteI know so well that I'm not alone. There are armies of teachers like me, and while it makes me sad, it also heartens me to know that there are legions of us that invested in the Walts of the world. We cared, we tried, and maybe for some, we did make a pivotal, life-changing difference. At the very least, we gave them a soft landing space for about an hour a day.
Thanks for sharing about your fine daughter. Give her my very best.
A heart can't help hurting in a situation like described. Please be kind to yourself 24 year old self. You did what you could.
ReplyDeleteJean--Thank you. I appreciate your kind words for both of us. And you're right; I did pretty well within the constraints of my job and what was available to me. I was left so unprepared and unsupported. In reality I'm sure all of us were. It's unconscionable.
DeleteWow Nance, that is a crazy story. I always think about myself in high school and how old and wise and mature I thought my teachers were, but I was talking with my Dad recently about my Chemistry teacher and my Dad said that the teacher had probably been in his early 20s when I was in HS. He seemed so old, and we used to hear stories about how he would be seen at the pub having a beer in town (like a regular person!) However, looking back now, I wonder how he (and you) handled a classroom full of kids barely younger than you when you yourself were really just a young person too! I was definitely not equipped to handle that kind of thing when I was in my 20s, although I probably though I was, which is what gets us through those kinds of situations, I guess. Our naivety, or unwarranted confidence, or not knowing what we didn't know was perhaps helpful in the end!
ReplyDeleteKyria--You're probably right. At that age I was too dumb to know what my rights and protections were (or should be). I just tackled everything as best I could and sort of counted on my position as Teacher giving me a sort of Shield Of Authority/Respect. Back then, it worked.
DeleteI'm also not very big (5' 4"), and I had to establish an aura of authority and confidence immediately. A lot of it was with command of my subject matter and my general demeanour and vocabulary. Sometimes, I just wonder how I managed it all in a huge school with a diverse enrollment.
Oh, this broke me. So badly. I am sending love and healing vibes your and Walt's way. (Tho he is in no pain anymore). I am a clinical therapist for kiddos in a group home setting and often they are just filtering through my life and me theirs and it is heartbreaking most of the time. Again, sending love!
ReplyDeleteHi, B, and welcome to the Dept. Yes, I understand that I was just one of many companions of Walt's along his life's journey. As a teacher, however, I always wanted to Make A Difference in some way. Teaching is a Calling, and I always felt it so keenly. The kids I had were My Kids, even after I had two of my own. It's a bit hard to explain.
DeleteI guess I needed more of the professional distance that a therapist would have. Again, I was so young. Thanks for your kind words; they are so much appreciated.
Nance, my kids at my house are My Kids too, so I fully get it. It's a strange dynamic in a home versus like a community setting. These kiddos are leaving their homes and coming to ours and we try to make it as much of a home as possible. And you Make A Difference, you did to me and caused me to reflect and I am sure in Walt's life even if it was never spoken to you. Have a beautiful day.
DeleteB--I had so many group home kids in my classes, too. There were a few in the area that our school served, and my class was the landing spot for them. I wonder if any are even operating now.
DeleteYou're right--it is a different dynamic than a classroom. It must be so hard for you to try and make each of the kids feel welcome, safe, and secure in their new environment while knowing it's also a volatile one for everyone emotionally and, in many cases, behaviourally. It's a tough tightrope to walk. Add to that having to live your own Real Life at home, and it's draining. Special people are needed for the work in order to be effective. Thanks for what you do. And thanks for your lovely reassurance here.