Perhaps you remember last year during The Holidays when I was victimized by my house. How my refrigerator quit right before Thanksgiving, the garage door refused to go up, and the fireplace billowed smoke into the living room, among other Domestic Tragedies. What I neglected to confess to you in a later post was that my oven also went on strike in the middle of Christmas Cookie baking. Luckily, a repair was all that was needed, not an entirely new stove.
This year, I felt confident, knowing I had a new refrigerator and a newly repaired stove and garage door. We understood the fireplace's quirks, and I had posted a sign on the front door that the doorbell did not work, so no delivery person would ring in vain. I was ready for The Holidays!
Oh, ha ha. It is to laugh.
Thanksgiving. I went to pick up my fresh turkey on Tuesday afternoon. "It seems a little...frozen in parts," I said to the butcher. "Oh, no!" she said cheerily. "It's a little frosty on the wings, but stick it in the fridge and it'll be fine for Thursday!" Thanksgiving morning, after feeding the cats at 7:30, I pulled the turkey out of the basement fridge and unwrapped it. It was frozen solid inside; I couldn't even wrench the neck and giblets out of it. Panic. Water bath thawing and cursing. After all that, the damn thing popped its timer a whole hour early anyway.
Christmas Eve Party Prep. I go to the grocery store for a big shop. When I come home, in the snow, I push the button on the keyfob to pop the tailgate so I can unload the groceries. Nothing. I go to open it manually. Nothing. I re-lock it and unlock it again. Nope. I'm standing there in the slushy driveway and the snow and cold with a car full of groceries. So I go back in the garage where I have to wrestle with the backseat--fold it down, crawl in the backseat and the backend, and pull out the groceries. And is this my only errand requiring the capacious tailgate? Of course not. I have to go to the warehouse club and do all of this all over again.
A few days later, I grab a glass to get some ice water from the handy dandy dispenser on the front of my year-old side-by-side fridge. I press my glass against the ice lever and suddenly it belches a mixture of crushed and cubed ice with incredible force. I remove my glass hurriedly, expecting the ice to cease, like it's supposed to. But it doesn't stop. IT KEEPS VOMITING ICE ALL OVER THE FLOOR WITH RECKLESS ABANDON. I scream at it to stop, but it doesn't, of course. I open the door, and it stops ejecting ice, but the motor keeps running. I shut the door, confident that I've stopped the...cycle...and it starts spewing ice at me, at the floor, at the cabinets opposite in some sort of mad celebration of Appliance Independence. I'm truly scared at this point, and I grab a wooden spoon and start poking, poking, poking at the lever, but it only spits ice at me faster and with more volume. I open the door again, and it stops blurting ice, but the motor runs incessantly. Frantically, I search for an ON/OFF switch, and I find one blinking red. I throw it to OFF, but nothing happens. I close the door and the avalanche begins anew. Flinging the door open again, I take the ice bin off its pedestal on the door while the motor drones on. Fearfully, I shut the door and I kid you not the thing still throws ice on the floor, but how? How? HOW!? I grab my cellphone and call the appliance store that sold me this Hellish Beast.
Store: Hello, and thank you for calling Appliance Store.
Nance: I need Service, and hurry!
Service: This is service, how can we help you?
Nance: Hi, I bought my KitchenAid refrigerator there a year ago, and right now it's going crazy. It won't stop throwing ice all over the place. I've switched it off, but it won't stop. Please send someone.
Service: Well, the girl who usually schedules is at lunch and--
Nance: This isn't something to schedule! I need someone here now! This thing won't stop! The motor keeps running and it's throwing ice all over my floor! I need help NOW!
Service: I understand, but I don't even know where the service guys are right now. I'm just filling in while she's at lunch.
Nance: Please give my message to someone there that can help me as soon as possible. (hangs up)
To get to the final act, my icemaker spit out one last enormous clump of frosty ice, and then it shut off. The appliance store called back and scheduled a service call for the 27th, and I had no icemaker for my Christmas Eve party of over 25 people. One bright note in all of this? The store agreed to backdate the repair so that it would be covered under warranty since the warranty ran out on November 26th. The fridge needs a whole new circuit panel, which would also explain why my produce and cheeses often froze in the refrigerator side.
I've been nothing but nice to that refrigerator. My car, too. The turkey's vengeful behavior, I could understand, but not that butcher.