Sunday, September 21, 2008

In Which I Lament That, If It Is Not, In Fact, All About Me, Then Dammit, It Should Be

How is this happening? It is a gorgeous weekend here in northeastern Ohio. The sun is warm and the temperature is in the mid-seventies. There is no rain. Beyond the borders of my small, midwestern town, the world continues to move on and events occur, one tumbling after another. Even my mother is on a little vacation.

What is wrong with you people? Don't you know that I AM SICK?!

Geeze. Where is the love?

It's not bad enough that last weekend, when Jared came home for a brief visit, that I had the raging PMS. No. (And, hey, when can I expect all that bullshit to stop, anyway? I'm 49; I mean, come on, already.) Here is a brief snippet of the Quality Time I had with my son:

Me: Holy Crap! I have the dreaded PMS so bad, and it's in the Carbohydrate Loading stage. It's making me absolutely nuts.

Jared: Are you all, like, "I'm gonna eat this whole loaf of bread right now, and then get really, really crabby afterward", or what?

Me: More like, "If you don't give me that bag of Lay's Original, I'm blowing your effing head off."

Jared: Wow. Yikes.

But I digress.

So, last week the ice man cameth and naturally, so did the Practice Ohio Graduation Test, which I had to administer for four days to three of my classes who, throughout the duration, sounded like the Infectious Diseases Ward at the Cleveland Clinic. It was like a frikkin' symphony of coughs, sniffles, and snortles. I was horrified, in light of the fact that my shoulder condition has an auto-immune component, which means I'm walking around with a somewhat compromised immunity. (Oh, did you employ the Hand Sanitizer? you might ask. It is to laugh! I did everything short of wear a surgical mask and gloves and garlic necklace!)

To no avail. I have a beastly headcold. Damn them all. My nose is running like a car thief on "Cops." My temples are pounding. Sudafed? Ha! Might as well eat M&M's, except that I have zero appetite. My nose is chappy and sore, but at least it matches my lips! Now would be the time for me to eat some of my wonderful Curry Chicken Soup that I so wisely froze in small containers...but I gave the last of it away to Jared and my colleague Andrew, who shares my classroom and is...SICK WITH A HEADCOLD! A HA!!!!!

In the meantime--while I plot my revenge on them all--I wander about the house in misery.

How can everyone else in the entire world be well and happy and carefree? I AM SICK! IT'S SO UNFAIR!

I carry around a box of Kleenex anti-viral tissues and a plastic bag full of snotty wads.

It makes me feel like those dog-walkers who have to follow their canines with plastic sacks full of their doggy poop. How demeaning!

And why is it, that when you feel least able to deal with it, your body decides to manufacture eleventy hundred gallons of snot a day? Huh?

How come there isn't a shot for this? Why can't I just take a pill and have it go away in, say, a day or two? I suspect a Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. I do.

Dammit. I hate being sick.


  1. V-Grrrl4:40 PM

    The Boy is sick--high fever, cough, headache, lightheaded, aches and chills.

    I cannot get sick. It is not permitted. I am home alone with two kids to take care of for the next nine days and I cannot be bed bound, house bound, or impaired.

    And colds! GAH! An illness that gets NO RESPECT from the CDC and makes people WANT TO DIE on a regular basis.

    I am not permitted to take ibuprofen OR any kind of decongestant, so colds are a special hell for me...

    Would write more but I have to take a break and wash my hands...

    Get well soon

  2. Crap, Nance. I am sorry. (Never did I have so many colds and illnesses as I did when I was teaching.)

    I am sending you a lifesaving soup recipe immediately via email. Make your husband make it for you if you are not up to it. It's easy peasy, I promise.

  3. I have PMS too. And a sore neck. Where's the Advil? And booze?

  4. I am forever getting sick just when my stress level is the highest and I have no time for snot or extra sleep. Bah.

    Get better soon!

  5. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and that big head feeling. Fuck.

  6. Nance,

    I have a terrible cold, too, and
    I know how you feel. Last night my husband and I were sitting in the den and I said to him," I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens,just pull the plug."

    So he got up,unplugged the computer,and threw out my wine.

  7. Nance I do not appreciate the visual of the snotty wads...thank you. I haven't been sick in a lonnnnng time, so I can't say that I know how you're feeling right now, but I can say I hope you get better soon.

    So does that mean you got to call off work? At LEAST you're home today...I'm not! Hmph!

  8. tera--hell, no, i didn't get to call off work! for a cold? ha! and not because i'm a hero; it's just easier to drag my snothead to work than get all the crap together for a sub to do. by the time i get all the stuff ready, it's just as easy to go in and do it myself.

    nancy--LOL!! i'm off wine, though, till i feel better. i think i read someplace that alcohol impedes the body's immune system, so i'm not taking any chances. i still think you should start a blog. this comment would be a great post. (feel better soon, btw.)

    nina--i bet i know where you got it, and it wasn't from coming to the Dept! you can blame the littlest Dem in your house...

    jenomena--i know! jared always gets sick the day after he goes back to school. never fails. i didn't get a single cold last year, and naturally, this year when i'm at my low point with this shoulder crap...! sigh.

    a.l.--is it one of those stiff necks where you can't turn one way? I HATE THAT!! poor thing. are you drinking red or white? i'm waiting till i'm over this crud, then i'm on to the roses. (i have no idea how to make the accent mark.)

    shirley--i'll check the recipe, but i don't need my life saved, just this effing cold gone. LOL. thanks!!

    v-grrrl--i know what you mean about the decongestant. i have to take the lowest dose of sudafed or my heart goes nuts. and this time, it didn't even work anyway, so i'm just roughing it. do you know i went through almost an entire box of 300 kleenex in 24 hours? how ridiculous is that?

  9. Ugh. Maya got a cold right after school started, too. Stupid kids and their germs.

    I once ate so many plain lays while PMSing, that I blistered my lips from the salt. It's true. I claimed the extra weight was water, but we all know better.

    I don't suffer much from PMS since I had Maya (don't hate me!) but I've heard that two things that help are either chocolate covered potato chips (whatever) or Miso Soup. Miso sounds like it might be nice and light for a woman with a cold, too.

  10. Nancy6:38 PM


    Really, I don't want a blog.

    I would rather torture you with my stuff.....

  11. Is snot better or worse than spit?

  12. noregrets--oh, far far worse! so disgusting.

    nancy--LOL. not tortuous at all.

    j.@jj--last night i made something light and spicy and it helped a little, but my appetite is horrid. i don't even crave Lay's! (but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

  13. I generally get one long-lasting, mild head cold that lasts throughout the entire winter. Maybe it'll be different here in California?

    Anywho, I hope you to feel better soon. I'd make you soup if I were around, but then again I'd probably be sick in some way if I were back in Ohio ;-)

  14. Anonymous8:00 PM

    Oh, but there is a snot pill! It's called "Mucinex" and it's amazing. It's an OTC. Take it as directed until you feel better. When I get a killer cold I take it and alka-seltzer cold (they make both non-drowsy and regular) until my cold is gone. Works great!

    Feel better soon!


  15. Nance,

    So you're off wine, are you?

    You know that hangover you get the next day after drinking a couple bottles of wine? I call that the


  16. nancy--oh, lordy. LOL.

    Kathy--i have trouble with that stuff--the guafinesin makes my heart race. i know--it's like I'M NOT EVEN TRYING!! lol. believe me, if there were something OTC that i could take, i'd be eating it like skittles. but thanks. and welcome to the Dept!!

    mikey--oh believe me, ohio is making me PLENTY SICK. my cold is now firmly lodged in my throat and i periodically have to choke on my snotmucus and make that horrid throat-clearing/cough sound that is WAY annoying. i hate being around myself. HOW MUCH LONGER!? grrr.


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...