Tuesday, June 17, 2008

EmilyCat Hits The Reset Button, And I Am Haunted And Taunted By Pet Longevity

As you know, EmilyCat is 18 and is now merely sticking around to annoy me. She is nearly deaf, walks as if she has no knees, has about half her teeth, suffers from occluded vision, is shockingly lax in her personal grooming, and detests everyone. She must be fed three times a day the most disgusting canned hideousness in the universe and I must add hot water to it and mush it up until it is the consistency of cake batter.

I know. How wonderful am I? Can you see my myriad of halos shining from there?


About a week and a half ago, Emily had "an episode." She started wavering and rocking and her back right leg went completely numb; she looked all sleepy and out of it (moreso than usual), and I thought this is it! Emily is going to go to that Kitty Condo in the sky! She was sort of whimpering and she couldn't get up the steps. I called for Rick who picked her up gently and cradled her and said all wet-eyed, "We'd better call The Vet."

"Are you KIDDING!?" I said. "This is Sunday. They will charge us eleventy billion dollars for an emergency call. Let's give her a little while and see how she does."

Cut to the chase: Emily ends up sitting on the floor watching Jared and his girlfriend Ali play Scrabble for three hours. She goes to bed. The next morning, I get up and Emily bounces out of bed, trots to her dish on all her pegs, and barks for her breakfast. She has not peed all over the floor since, and she is fine.

Gimme a break. This cat is going to live forever, and who the hell is going to take care of her while we are in Canada in July? Reminder: SHE HAS TO BE FED DISGUSTING MUSHY HOT FOOD THREE EFFING TIMES A DAY. AND GIRLFRIEND IS GOING WITH, SO NO HELP THERE.

Which leads me to the next part of my post. Which is better, in that it is about a bunny, but devastating in that it is about yet another annoyingly long-lived pet. Here he is:
This story was sent to me via email by Anali, who I'm sure was trying to be nice and had no idea that it was going to be a source of irritation.

This bunny, George, is now in the Guinness Book of World Records as the Oldest Living Rabbit. He is 14 years old, which is about 160 in human years. The average life expectancy for bunnies is 6-8 years. That's pretty good, but what makes it so extraordinary is to what George's owners attribute it. Joe Breton and his wife Amy joke that "the Pez and Doritos they fed George in college are part of the reason he’s still alive."

Oh, ha ha, you might say. But get this: Amy's profession? Veterinary technician. Possibly realizing that she might be coming off as, er...less than credible...Amy offered up this quote to the reporter: “I would never recommend for anyone to feed that to a rabbit but he was a college dorm room rabbit so maybe that helped with his longevity,” she said. Wow, Amy. Good save.

For the record, EmilyCat has never eaten a Pez and she does not like Doritos. And today, she woke me up at 7:23 for her breakfast. It did not matter that I wanted to sleep in. She is such a bitch.

And so far, the record holder for Oldest Living Cat is a Burmese called Kataleena Lady who lives in Melbourne, Australia. Kataleena Lady was born on March 11th, 1977. THIRTY-ONE FREAKING YEARS OLD. Holy crap.


  1. Anonymous1:06 PM

    Is it wrong to think that EmilyCat might just be enjoying one last "rally" before she gives up the ghost? You know...the way some terminally ill people do?

  2. Oh no! I really was just trying to be nice. Oh well! : )

  3. isn't that the way. Just when you make your peace with a pet's impending death, and start looking on the bright side (no stinky food and all), damn it if they don't rally. The question is: Do you let Emily know about Kataleena Lady and her record? It might get Emily's competitive juices up.

  4. I really don't know what to say without being mean. I'll be back for the next post.

  5. My boss told us about a 24 year old cat that she heard about at her vet's office. Which sounds pretty impressive, except that the only reason the cat was still alive was because its owner brought it in every day for fluids. It did not eat or drink on its own. LET THAT CAT DIE!! I feel like that behavior borders on animal cruelty. For EmilyCat's sake, I hope she finds peace soon :-\

  6. Just stopping by for a quick comment - I'll be back to read the post later, but I wanted to say "Uh, darlin... that's not a bunny. That's a Tribble. ;)

  7. ck--sigh. i misled you by my Spock pic. i really don't know what a "tribble" is. am off to Google Image search.

    jenomena--your story brings to mind those ridiculous apparatuses (apparati? whatev.) made for lame dogs that turn them into wheel-butts. trust me: if emily were in THOSE dire of straits, she'd be getting The Needle.

    nina--yikes. well, you know best.

    nancy in a2--hell, no. as far as Emily knows, she is Way Past her Use By Date.

    anali--you ARE nice. you gave me a blogpost topic! I heart you.

    a.l.--you know, a few people have said that to me. including my mother and my friend Leanne, who claims to be Medically Savvy. Yet, she has an 18-year old cat who survived some hideous wild thing bite but could not save her pampered Yorkie who lived on roasted chicken three times a day. Go figure.

  8. And I've been surviving off of mostly rice for the past 18 days.

  9. Darn it, c.k. beat me to the punch on the tribble comment. That was the first thing I thought. It looks like a tribble with a big-hair blow-dry and lots of Aqua-Net.

    If the Kataleena story is true, dear Emily is a mere spring chicken! Yikes. Our 15-yr. old Welsh Terrier friend, Luke, has occasional seizure-like episodes and is always more chipper and bouncy afterward. I think your assessment, "hit the reset button," couldn't be more apt.

  10. Okee dokee... I've read the post. Let me just reiterate "I'm so glad I don't have pets."

  11. It sounds like you're having a tough time with Emily and that feeding is just too labor intensive for me! I tend to agree with Apathy though...

  12. Anonymous6:51 PM

    Hi Nance,

    Whenever you write about Emily it brings back memories of my best cat,Adolph.

    I know I have told you about him before. He was black and white. Mostly white but he had a bad black combover and a small black mustache.Easy to see where he got his name.

    He lived to be about 10, I think, but he was "Done in" by a screen door.

    In early May one year, my kids threw a baseball through my front screen door. We took the frame to the hardware store to get the screen replaced. While the screen was out, Adolph got used to being able to leap right through the door and get in the house.

    Sometime in July the guy brought the screen back and reinstalled it in the door frame, but he neglected to tell Adolph and that was BAD!

    That day A was being chased home after losing a fight with a giant feral Tomcat.As he headed for our front door, he thought he had the edge on his attacker because he could jump right into the house.But, NO! He vaulted toward the door, hit the new screen, and looked like a Tom and Jerry cartoon as he bounced off the frame and his eyes spun around like the cherries on a slot machine. He was stunned.

    All the kids and I picked him up and petted him and gave him some milk, but he was never the same.

    We moved shortly after that and Adolph did not like the new place and kept running back across town to the old house.

    Finally, my old neighbor took him but he soon died. My oldest boy always said that Adolph had died of embarrassment.

    I hope Emily has an easier time of it . Hell, I'm old myself and I hope I have an easier time of it. I know one thing. I'm not jumping through any screen doors!

  13. Anonymous9:49 PM

    Um... sorry your cat...DIDN'T die?

    I like you.

  14. Any story about Emily fills me with dread. While I don't know how old our Mama Cat is, I know exactly how old these other two are, being born here in the house. The idea of being chained to them for another 17+ years... Shit!

  15. I do love the "fat" bunny picture :)

  16. nina--it's almost tragic!

    j.--i tried to warn you!

    manager mom--welcome to the Dept.! your condolences are gratefully accepted along with your affection.

    nancy--poor adolph! he never saw that one coming.

    tera--she's really pushing it, isn't she? i'm hoping a.l. is on the money here.

    c.k.--hold that line, dear. don't let the clowns make you cave!!

    sputnik--i have to credit jared with the reset button comment. (or he'll toss me around, really.)

    i.h.--...now if it was RISOTTO, then hey, no complaints, right!? LOL.

  17. She is like a really slow energizer bunny. I know about that eleventy billion dollar vet bill. We just had one ourselves. You are definitely earning some halos. I'm so not a pet person and we now have one of the most high maintenance injured cats in the world.

  18. Anonymous3:30 PM

    Why didn't you say, "Go to the light!" at that critical post-seizure moment?

  19. simplypink--do you know how many times i've reminded emily that she is NOT covered on my medmutual? she remains largely unimipressed.

    v-grrrl--dammit. and i'm a major devotee of Poltergeist, too. "all are welcome. all are welcome!" i am SO adding that to my netflix queue right now.


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