Wednesday, March 19, 2008

If There's Such A Thing As Reincarnation, I'm Coming Back As One Of This Guy's Cows

Certainly, things looked bleak for bovines after horrific videotapes were released showing the brutal treatment of so-called "downer cows" at the Westland/Hallmark Meat Packing Co. in Chino, California. Thankfully, our local NBC affiliate gave ample warning with regard to the content, and I was able to look away, but Rick and many friends relayed to me their savage and inhumane content. Poor animals!

Happily, the suffering of those cows is not the lot of all cattle. Let me tell you, all Bossies should be as blissful as the cud-chewers hanging out at the farm of one Bill Timmons of Geauga County, Ohio! This is a man who has a soft spot in his big farmer's heart for his dairy cows. And, as a result, not only do I heart Bill Timmons, but so does his harem of lovely Holstein ladies. They've upped their milk production by more than twenty percent. Why? you may ask.


Oh, yes. You read me right: waterbeds. Timmons installed 200 of them, and the herd is happy. Ideally, a cow should spend about 12-14 hours a day lying down, chewing its cud, stimulating blood flow to the udder, making milk. Most pastures and stalls just don't provide the optimum comfort that encourages Her Highness to recline and do that. But these new bovine waterbeds, designed in the UK and recently introduced to the States, do. They're made of a tough rubber hide and contain only 14 gallons of water, so they're more of a water mattress. But they cushion the cow, provide comfort, and do not irritate the skin or the udder. "Research shows that the mattresses help keep the cows healthy, limiting hock swelling and knee and thigh scratches," said Temple Grandin, an animal-welfare expert and professor at Colorado State University.

Advance Comfort Technology, Inc. is the lone North American producer of the cow waterbed. Their website boasts the many features of its product, the least of which may not be that it is flexible, thus preventing manure buildup. I know I'm sold.

And so is Timmons. He spent $40K rehabbing his barn into a Bovine Boudoir, and he thinks it's been worth every penny in increased moo-juice production. "You take care of them and they'll take care of you," he said of his contented Dairy Queens. What a guy.


  1. Maybe if my department provided me with a waterbed, I'd up my theorem production by over 20 percent. Or not...

  2. Cows have waterbeds and I can't even get a back rub. Sheesh.

  3. I'm thinking we'll need a water-sofa or something in our teacher's lounge. I'm certain I could grade papers with at least 20% more efficiency, lol.

    I am surprised that you would want to come back as a cow, even with that sort of incentive. Are you certain that you would not be reincarnated as a cute little bunny?

  4. Hey! That place (the waterbed manufacturer, is located in Reedsburg, WI. Half of my family on my mom's side lives there. It's a tiny farm town... I wonder if my cousins use the cow waterbeds. Just a little coincidence comment.

  5. laura--your cousins have cows? lucky you! do you spend any time with them, ever? the cows, not the cousins...

    ortizzle--bunnies, although cute, are flighty and don't have the agreeable nature, overall, that cows do. also, cows are just so...serene, you know? and some cows are absolutely cute. have you ever looked at a jersey cow? they look like Bambi.

    ck--i'm telling you; this guy really appreciates his cows. perhaps you need to think about"production" on the homefront. LOL LOL LOL.

    i.h.--just what this world needs: more math. sigh. i'd rather you upped your cupcake production by 20%.

  6. I was trying to figure out the obvious response to your post, and it just came to me. More cowbell!

  7. Those bitches need to give me one of those mattresses!

    My udders have been so very sore lately...


  8. I'm impressed that someone has created a water mattress that can stand up to a cow. That's a pretty impressive feat! And of course, some very happy cows!

  9. This info made me laugh out loud in surprise. Sure shows that treating your farm animals well pays off, doesn't it? Incidentally, I was just reading an article about cows and how the time change really does a number on them so the dairy farmers can't immediately "spring forward," they have to move their milking earlier by 15 or 20 minutes at a time gradually working up to the hour to still get adequate milk production. I kind of like that the animals still exercise this little bit of control over humans. LOL

  10. shirley--i like that fact, too. we can employ all kinds of technology, but when it comes to nature, there are some things we just cannot boss!!

    jenomena--all that, and limited hock swelling, too. lol.

    gina--i'm telling you, sore udders is the absolute worst. that is where Elsie and I are sister-friends.

    i.h.--i laughed out loud at that! probably will ferrell's best work ever, and christopher walken will never ever top it comedically. someone out here in the blogosphere has that as an animated avatar. it's hilarious.

  11. i.h.-I didn't get the "more cowbell" reference until Nance cited it as Will Ferrell's best work ever. I just had to go back and watch that again. LMAO I actually saw it not that long ago in the SNL Best of Will Ferrell show they ran during the writers' strike, but it was just as good seeing it a few minutes ago. Wonder what the cows would think? LOL I think they'd be too busy relaxing on their waterbeds to pay Will and the "B.O.C." any mind even with the cowbell aspect.

  12. Maybe if there were more cowbell, they'd up their production thirty percent.

  13. Anonymous5:34 PM

    I'm damned pleased to know there's finally a solution to hock swelling and thigh scratches. I'm getting my next mattress from Advance Comfort Technology. Maybe my tits will grow too!


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