E Is For Endurance

Here's a short list of a few things which tax my Endurance. They require that I Soldier On gamely and mightily, often times with more Good Nature than I truly feel.

1. My Hair
2. Presidential Primary Season
3. Chapped Lips
4. Rick's Windshield Wiper Behaviour
5. Downton Abbey's Final Season

Please find something to grip tightly and To Steady Yourself, and allow me to Explain.

1. Something has happened to my hair in the past year or two, rendering it limply soft and Completely Impossible. There is no shampoo, no gel, no spray, no hair mucilage invented that can make my hair do a damn thing. Additionally, it is (cue horror movie music) Growing Out, which means it is Completely Awful and an Endurance Test each time I try to, oh, let's say...do any damn thing "with" or "to" it. Thank you to anyone who is crying empathetically whilst reading this.

2. We are now in Year Eleventy of the Presidential Primary Season, and I could throw up. Again. After ramming DTrump down our collective gullets for months and months, pollsters and pundits and news anchors are now gleefully performing gory post mortems on his Primary Corpse. After one primary. In Iowa. Listen, I'd be thrilled if we really could lay TheDonald to rest for real, but come on. One primary. And it was a caucus, which is like a coffee klatch, really. Is it okay if, oh, I don't know, THE REST OF THE COUNTRY HAS AN ELECTION? WITH REAL VOTES/BALLOTS AND SUPER DELEGATES AND STUFF? When is the country going to finally have one primary election date and stop this staggered primary voting? It's insane, and more than we should ever Endure.

3. This has been the mildest winter in years (NEO had temps in the 60's yesterday!), but I am Enduring the worst case of Chapped Lips in decades. Nance, you say, have you tried Burt's Bees, Carmex, Vaseline, olive oil, Blistex in a million varieties, and scrubbing at them with a washcloth? Oh, ha ha; it is to laugh. But of course I have. I have even tried the Super Duper All-Natural Remedy of Plain Honey. Here is what is working the best: None of them. None of them is working.

4. I am going to stop riding in any car with Rick when it rains because he cannot handle the windshield wipers. As soon as it stops raining, or if the rain lessens, that does not matter in the least; the wipers must still be employed continuously as before, even if they are screeching across a completely dry window. This is His Rule, apparently, and it is Consistently Applied. I have tried to Endure this with Extreme Patience And Silence. Believe me; I have. It is Impossible. After many minutes, I completely Lose It. "PLEASE TURN OFF THE WIPERS OR I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF/JUMP OUT OF THIS CAR/SCREAM MY BLOODY HEAD OFF!", is what I usually say if I don't simply reach over in a lather and shut them off myself.

5. How can PBS and creator/writer Julian Fellowes do this to me? That this is Downton Abbey's final season is too much to Endure! Why do all of My Shows end up gone but terrible and awful shows seem to go on forever and forever and forever? I've become a DA junkie. I've started watching each episode twice a week: once on Sundays, then again midweek when it's offered, savouring each little character moment, each costume, each British-accented word. Oh, how I'll miss it. And nothing--nothing--can take its place.

Oh, darlings.  What do you think?  And what are you currently Enduring?

In Which I Analyze The republican Debate

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are living in Strange Times, indeed. The republicans are in a panic because someone exactly like Rush Limbaugh in temperament, class, and ethos is running for President of the United States under their imprimatur, and Faux News is crying foul because of the sexist and crude way this candidate treated its own female media personality. (Does anyone remember Sandra Fluke?)

I'm too stunned to gloat.

Rather than get all calisthenic over a republican whom I refuse to take seriously, let's instead get down to something far more worthy of our discussion. Here is a picture of the candidates at the Big Boys' Debate, courtesy of US News.

Who dressed these people?

These men are all wealthy, have staffs, and, I assume, know women who probably looked at them before they settled on these suits. Why, then, is there not more than one among them who can wear a properly fitted and hemmed pair of pants? 

 It's inexcusable, really.

The only one who has a pair of nicely fitting pants of appropriate length is Senator Rubio (second from left). Governor Christie is wearing what we used to call "High Waters" back when I was in high school. Dr. Carson, third from left, looks like he has crotch problems, or as if he is standing astride an invisible bicycle or hobby horse. The rest all have that terrible, sloppy puddle of fabric around their ankles. My sons used to have that when they wore those enormous baggy jeans back in the nineties, and I absolutely hated it. Jared used to go so far as to slit the sides of his pantlegs at the ankles so that his jeans would fit down over his enormous and massively padded hightop basketball sneakers, which he left untied and flapping and which I also hated.

Another problem up there is the questionable footwear of the Robot Representing Senator Rand Paul (second from right). Perhaps he is into Steampunk and is actually sporting a pair of these.  This was not SalonCon, Senator.

Maybe, maybe I can almost tolerate the Armani Break of the pants of the candidate fourth from the left up there.  The Armani Break--also known as the Full Break--is still awfully messy-looking. I can't remember who That Guy even  is.  Oh yeah, Governor Walker, the guy who equates Teachers to ISIS fighters.

(I wish I could see their ties in this photo, but I'm sure they're very pedestrian and ho-hum.  Not an inspiration among them. Where is Greg Feith when you need him?)

We're in for a Very Entertaining Primary Season, everyone.  Like at least One Of The Candidates, why should I discuss The Issues when other topics (pants!) are so much more...pressing?

Try not to groan at me in Comments.

image

Adjusting The Waistband On My Cranky Pants

Yeah, yeah, I'm still here, someplace amid a mound of fleece blankets, fleece-lined spandex exercise pants, longsleeved tee, and fleece hooded sweatshirt. Welcome to Ohio, where we like to celebrate the coming of June by having temperatures in the forties overnight and the fifties during the day.

I wish I were kidding.

And let's make sure we add wind and rain in there. So that I can also run my furnace to dispel the damp.

Holy crap. I am hereby lodging a Formal Complaint. Can someone out there see that it gets to the Proper Authorities?

Yikes. Someone is, I fear, a Little Bit Crabby. And a little Snarked Out. Not quite Centered or At One With Her Zen. I'm too cheap to pay for therapy, and even though I could use my Dr. On Demand app and get a free introductory session, I'd rather use all of you. Will you be my therapist and listen to my Issues? Then you can counsel me in Comments, and we can all do likewise for you. Here we go.

::Where Is The Real News?:: What passes for News these days is no less than a farce. It's as if People magazine has taken over journalism. I can feel/hear Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow spinning in their graves. Celebrity births, cutesy dog videos, and marginal events like charity drives and soldier homecomings are common stories on the national news (I'm looking at you, NBC Nightly News). Is there really nothing else occurring of note in the world, even in the realms of science, politics, government, technology, or finance?

::Is This Really Style?:: I sat (somewhat) stoically and quietly by while the Eighties neon colours came back into fashion, and I shut up a lot when everyone made a big deal out of the rope wedge, peasant blouses, and all the other crap that I used to wear back in the seventies as being so fresh and wonderful and Right Now On Trend. But there is No Way that I am sitting still for H&M selling this for $39.95 and even outright calling it The Mom Jean. It's a travesty. Worse yet is this assertion that the once-reviled, touristy and androgynous fanny pack is now de rigeur for all fashion mavens. Listen; the idea of being able to zip around on my errands without my purse hanging off my arm sounds like heaven to me, but if that comes at the expense of having a pelvis goiter, then no, No Thank You. I am old enough to remember the Playtex Girdle commercials and their admonishments about Midriff Bulge. I work hard not to have any Unsightly Bulges. The last thing I want is a Bulge that I paid for. (Oh, and for the record, I am still not wearing these. Certainly you can; I'm not judging.)

::Is This Real Life?:: In the next several months, it is expected that Donald "The Donald" Trump will announce his bid for the republican nomination for President. Of the United States. Where I live. Rather than be gleeful and entertained at this prospect, I am instead irked and irritated. Honestly, I'm not sure why. Probably because I know he's doing it just as an act of shameless self-promotion, and I'm annoyed that he's able to make such a mockery of a serious office to aggrandize and publicize himself and his empire. He's such a full-scale goofball that his own party will roll its eyes and sigh a lot, but the media will give him a ton of coverage and that's going to be excruciating.

::Real Quick-like:: How much do I need to care about the following things? Right now, I don't care about them at all even though they seem to be Everywhere: Game of Thrones, McDonald's "new" menu, Pinterest (I still don't get it), Sepp Blatter, Kelly Ripa's cleanse, the crazy Tasman Peninsula Dusky Antechinus, Windows 10, and Rand Paul. I will say that I find the name Sepp Blatter to be absolutely terrific. It belongs in the novel Cold Comfort Farm or perhaps something by Flannery O'Connor. Imagine:

"This here guy'll hep ya," said the cop, and he spat dryly into the street. He was indicating a slight, overall-wearing man who was ambling somewhat crookedly around the corner. "Name's Sepp Blatter. Owns the farm up the road. Has all kindsa equipment. He can getcha out." The officer raised his voice and called sharply, "Sepp! C'mon over here'n talk to this guy! He needs a tow." He pitched his voice lower and leaned in a little. "Now here's a little advice, 'n it's free. Sepp don't care much about money, but he ain't stupid neither. Them Blatters ain't livin' high up there, so make sure you offer him somethin' for his troubles. Do it up front, too." The officer winked broadly. "Get whatcha pay for that way."

*****

My session is over; your turn in Comments.

pants in image for sale here

Why Can't A 300 Pound Avocado Come Hurtling Down At Me From Outer Space? And Other Imponderables (Like How Mitt Is Middle Class)

Probably I should make this a terribly cerebral post.  After all, I have enormous amounts of time in which to think and become Deeply Informed.  My Plain Dealer is read thoughtfully and deliberately each morning, and I am following The Politics again, albeit somewhat haphazardly, lest they disrupt My Zen.

Oh, but let's not, as they say, Go There.

Instead, I think I'll just shake loose a few errant Thought Nerfuls and set them free.

~*~Back in 1979 when Skylab's doom was forecast and we all were warned of its imminent plunge to earth, I was a junior at Bowling Green State University.  This, as I am wont to constantly remind my children, was well before the Interwebs and Cellular Phones, but not before alcohol, so pretty much the entire university prepared for this event by hosting dorm parties.  We all designed and wore hats--ostensibly for protection ha ha--and made huge targets and Welcome Skylab! signs.  This week's recent overhyped Newsworthy Event regarding the entrance of space junk the size of a bus into our atmosphere held no cache or thrill for me. I didn't even wear a headband.  On a related note, here are some places that I wish the NASA Space Junk had hit:  1. WalMart HQ; 2. republican National Committee HQ; 3. Atlanta's airport (the only place to lose my luggage and delay me, twice) 4. Congress (but get Sherrod Brown out first).

~*~Avocados, The World's Most Perfect Fruit and my Culinary Crush, are a ridiculous $2.50 each at the local grocery store.  At a warehouse club, you can get five for about eight bucks. Still insane.  I was reading a food blog the other day and saw a farmer's market sign in California that said "Hass Avocados $1 EACH" and almost wept. I feel like part of the reason avos are so unreasonable is because of Beneful Dog Food.  This brand includes a variety called "Healthy Fiesta" which includes avocadoes.  How ridiculous. No dog, even if it is a Mexican hairless or a chihuahua, eats avocadoes or needs them. The Beneful people are buying up avocadoes, thus needlessly creating a demand which, in turn, is raising prices for me.  Hey, Beneful. Knock it the hell off!  Who the hell do you think you are?  Dogs eat meat and, in the case of the Golden Retriever who lived here for six weeks, the occasional door. Lay off my avos.

~*~Okay, I lied.  I am going to get A Little Political.  But just a teensy bit.  You know, Mitt Romney has been running for president professionally now for, what, eight years? Ten? Whatever.  He wants It really bad. He also has the John McCain Disease of being whomever and whatever the situation calls for at the time. He just cannot help it.  Even though Mitt said, "I think the American people recognize that we're at a point of crisis and they want to hear the truth. And they can tell when people are being phony and are pandering to an audience, and you'll see that in politics. You're not going to see that in my campaign"; he also turned right around and said this, calling for a tax policy that will help "the middle class. It's not those in the low end; it's certainly not those in the very high end. It's for the great middle class -- the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country."  There's just one problem:  Mitt really isn't one "of us" as he said.  His net worth is estimated at between $190 million and $250 million.  That one is right up there with his "I'm also unemployed" joke. Speaking of jokes, (fill in name of republican debater here).

~*~I read a blog yesterday in which someone used the following in the same post:  I could loose a lot of blood.  and  "Are you going rouge?" (said to someone doing something against the rules).  I almost screamed.  Seriously.

I'll let Nancy pun her head off with that last one.  

You Are Too Much For Me, Politics, You SOB! I Wish I Knew How To Quit You! My Look At The republican Field, Such As It Is.



The field of 2012 republican presidential candidates is still growing

 Oh, those republicans.  Look at them.  No, seriously:  LOOK AT THEM.  What a sad little herd they are.  All the Serious (R)epublicans are, right this minute, peeing themselves and saying, "Holy shit!  Get out your checkbooks and see if we can get Colin Powell to run!"  Because, really, have you LOOKED AT THEM?

I mean besides the picture provided at the top of the post.

I have, and it is, as my son Jared would say, a dumpster fire.

Nothing but unmitigated glee was in my heart the day Michele Bachmann formally announced her candidacy, for I knew that this was going to be a Sarah Palin/Christine O'Donnell Hybrid Run For The Flames.  That poor woman--she has no idea just how stupid she really, really is. I honestly believe that the media declared her the winner and lauded her performance at the "first big debate" in order to give her a false sense of security and encourage her to make more of her stunningly idiotic pronouncements.  It did not take long.  From declaring nine-year-old John Quincy Adams a Founding Father to saying that she wants to take the country back "from the people all across the nation," Mrs. Bachmann just keeps on proving that anyone can graduate from Oral Roberts with a degree in something.  Or that Minnesota voters just elect women who are somewhat attractive.  And, apparently, liars and hard of hearing or mulishly stubborn, as is showcased in this interview with the astute and patient gentleman, Bob Schieffer, in which she was confronted with her PolitiFact record and simply refused to answer his question multiple times. Need more Crazy?  Click here.  My prediction?  Pretty soon, she'll realize that she's in way over her airhead.  She'll do a CopOut Dropout and use this excuse:  "The constant negative media scrutiny and invasiveness was beginning to harm my family, including my TWENTY-THREE FOSTER CHILDREN.I cannot risk harming them or their privacy, which they deserve.  For their sake, I am reluctantly withdrawing my candidacy. Blah blah blah."  In the meantime, enjoy the show.

Poor Tim Pawlenty.  What on earth is he even about? ; No one, not even he, knows.  This Baloney On Wonderbread Factor is something that the media glommed on to right away, and poor Tim can't shake it.  He's just The Nondescript White Guy Without "It".  He's No Sizzle And No Steak.  And he can't get history right, either.  I saw that way back on 21 February of last year. That was when I took the governor to task about his lax interpretation of the Declaration of Independence and his bullshit parroting of republican doctrine. He basically said Nothing.  And now, when the media is magnifying that Vast Void, he is trying on a bunch of new personalities, like Peter Brady.  But he just sounds goofy and we all know it's just more Porkchops And Applesauce.  He won't last long; the media have already pronounced him DOA after Iowa, which is patently ridiculous, especially in light of the fact that Bachmann is leading there, but all the same, he's a goner, despite his cool, new, urban-chic nickname (yet it, too, has...unfortunate associations).  "T-Paw" is Toast.

"Don't Call Him A Washington Insider" Newt Gingrich is still hanging on, but even he isn't taking it seriously anymore.  This is the candidate who blamed Patriotism for his marital infidelity.  A man whose outstanding balance at Tiffany's is more than most people's net worth.  This guy goes on vacation and his whole staff just says, "Hey, everyone, now that he's gone, whaddya say we quit? Grab your coffee mug and I'll meet you outside in...say, five minutes?"  But let me tell you:  When Newt first announced he was In, I watched him on Meet the Press.  He got down and dirty and bashed Paul Ryan's Almighty Plan and told it how it was.  I was impressed.  Until a few days later.  That's when he caved to Limbaugh and his minions like all the other republicans and had to sob and placate and walk it back like a penitent supplicant.  What a load.  Newt won't go far, but he might be just enough of a sonuvabitch to stick around for a few primaries to be that sonuvabitch.

Oh, Rick Santorum.  He would amuse me if he weren't so scary, like a rogue clown at the circus that hangs around the tent flaps and pops out to scare children but says he didn't mean to.  There's just something awful and unseemly about him. And his Google Problem doesn't help, really.  Yet, he brought it on himself.  He is rampantly, frighteningly, misogynistically, homophobically, unrelentingly conservative with all the tonnage that brings.  He is Sarah Palin's twin, really, except for the Roman Catholic part.  For more of Rick's Ravings, click here.  What really frosts my cupcakes about Rick Santorum, though, is that he's just so maddeningly dumb. He thinks he's being triumphantly sharp and clever and erudite, like this defense against abortion:  "The question is -- and this is what Barack Obama didn't want to answer -- is that, is that human life a person under the Constitution? And Barack Obama says no. Well if that person, human life is not a person, then I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, 'No, we're going to decide who are people and who are not people.'" Oh, Rick Santorum.  It's not even that you're being racist here. It's...well, wait.  This says it for me. How long for Rick Santorum?  We've already seen the end of this movie in the last presidential primaries.

Mitt Romney, bless him, at least has a brain.  When the WackJobs over at some Christian fundamentalist conservative exclusionary society hauled out their Naughty Things List, Mitt said no.  He said signing any oath or pledge or God Warrior Scouts For Jesus Promise was a non-starter, and that the document "contained references and provisions that were undignified and inappropriate for a presidential campaign."  That, the Brain Thing, and being a Mormon just lost Mitt all of the teabagger vote and there goes the republican base for the early primaries.  Add to that Massachusetts Mitt's Healthcare Albatross, and he just can't get a break. Mitt also made a lousy joke about feeling the pain of those without a job because he was also unemployed.  Wow.  Really?  This from a guy who most pundits agree lost the nomination in the last go-round because the perception of the (non-teabagger Christian fundamentalist God Warrior) republican electorate was that he tried to buy it. With his own money.  Entirely.  That, and he is a dead-ringer for the Muppet Guy Smiley, as I noted here in 2007.

I cannot even go on.  Herman Cain? The man's PAC is called "The Hermanator."  Ron Paul is getting to be like the old comedian Pat Paulsen or Lyndon LaRouche.  He keeps running for President of the United States, gets a few fans/supporters and a platform, and then what? ... Exactly. And of course the media are on High Alert S.Palin Watch.  Once she dropped the Paul Revere Quote and had to answer for that, she cut her summer vacation pretty short, didn't she?  Let's review that, though, because, well, it's just too wonderfully asinine not to wallow in its Snark Potential.  Remember, Sarah Failin' said that it was a typical "shout-out, gotcha-type question" that provoked this sad, gnarled, I-didn't-study-but-maybe-if-I-fill-up-the-space-the-teacher-will-just-give-me-credit-and-not-really-read-it, remedial second-grade response:

"He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms uh by ringing those bells and making sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed."  Oh, and that "gotcha" question?  Ahem.   “What have you seen so far today and what are you going to take away from your visit?” Oh, bless me.  I would have Ever So Much Fun if she decided to run, but she's in the perfect situation right now.  She has all the power and no responsibility whatsoever.  She can peddle her Crazy to the Faithful with impunity and get paid for it.  If she falls out of favour with The Media Machine, she and her husband can go somewhere outdoorsy or significant and become amourous, have another child, and name it after the place wherein they did it.  That's how they named all the other ones, obviously.

The republicans would love to be able to pin their hopes on Jon Huntsman..if he had not already worked for President Obama.  He's sane, he's smart, and he's moderate.  But he's a Mormon.  Can he or Mitt pull a JFK ("it's not what church I believe in but what kind of America I believe in")--or should they, even--and confront the republican base with at least that One of their Many Prejudices?  Sigh.  Not worth it.  Huntsman can't be The One either.  He favours civil unions and, as I said before, he's Mormon and moderate.  He's already done.

And can someone please tell me who is the Doodah advising Gov. Rick Perry?  Although considering how long it took for most of the republicans to wake up and really see Sarah Palin, I should not be surprised that he is considering entering this Clown Wagon Of Candidates.  This is the Texan who appeared at a teabagger rally and offered secession if Washington didn't snap to and behave itself while he was an acting governor.  I have to agree with my DemCrush James Carville who says, regarding a Perry candidacy, "He talks a lot and he's not very bright. And that's a combination I like in republicans."  Besides, America--think!  Republican, Texas...been there, done that.  At the risk of quoting Lord Help Me, Dr. Phil, "How'd that work for ya?"

 Right now, I have to say I'm not Entirely Thrilled with the Current President.  But run him up against any of these yahoos, and he looks like a winner.

Would You Like Some Politics With That?

One would think that since I am a political junkie, I would be in heaven with this absurdly long Primary Season we've had, seeing as how it began last spring with a debate aired in late April. Now, we are actually all excited about THE! IOWA! CAUCUS! , a political ride in a wayback machine at which I think The Menfolk stand around in plaid knickers and weskits whilst the little ladies circulate demurely in petticoats and farthingales and serve lemonade and try very hard not to swoon. Or something. The press got all revved up about the results from a little flyover state which is geographically kinda mid-north, but whose personality is plumb South (give us our guns, God, and go-away-gays). Suddenly, a town meeting is do-or-die, and hurry, catch your breath because New Hampshire is here. (Two candidates for the Good Guys have already dropped out, Biden and Dodd.)

New Hampshire is not indicative of the tenor of the nation, either. (How many black people live in New Hampshire? How many Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, or Asians live there? NH has a much bigger percentage of registered Independents than other states, and this is for them an open primary. They can decide to cast their ballots either for a Democrat or a republican. ) The press, however, predict dire consequences for the candidates who don't do well here.
It would seem the Big States and Super Tuesday don't mean a thing. And that's what really frosts my cupcakes.

See, Ohio--my state--doesn't hold its primary until March. I don't know why, and I don't really care to know. All I know is this: I don't want my candidate, whomever that may be, to already be decided for me by then. Especially by THE MEDIA. Just because they've had a feeding frenzy of opportunism. You know what I mean because you're seeing it with Hillary. She wasn't "inevitable" until the media started all of its polling eleventy billion years ago. She became the presumptive front runner and then It started. And it became the "I-word." Inevitable. We saw it with Howard Dean. "The Scream" didn't take down Howard Dean (and, for the record, I was never a Howard Dean supporter), inevitability took down Howard Dean.

So, I'm irked at this stretched out, epic primary election season. It's unnecessary and reminds me of the Benjamin Franklin quote about visitors who stick around too long: "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." Well, politicians and the process, like fish, begin to stink, after almost a whole effing year. AND THAT'S JUST THE PRIMARIES!

Can someone please tell me why every state doesn't hold its primary on the same day? On a SUPER MEGA-TUESDAY, if you will? Seems fair to me. That way, the media can't pee in anyone's pool, so to speak. It's all fair and everyone gets a shot. Even Little Dennis.

Speaking of Dennis, I took a quiz online that was supposed to help match me to my candidate. I've cut and pasted the results below, as well as the link to the quiz so you can make a similar connection. I have to say that I'm a little concerned about my top results. Obviously, they can be analyzed in a variety of ways, and initially, one could say that the results show that I am in serious need of some psychiactric help. If one cares to be more astutely analytical, I think it shows just how deeply disillusioned (read: driven to the far left liberal agenda) I've become due to the Angel of Death's immoral and corrupt agenda for the past 7 years.

87% Dennis Kucinich
86% Mike Gravel
86% Chris Dodd
86% Barack Obama
85% John Edwards
84% Hillary Clinton
81% Joe Biden
75% Bill Richardson
40% Rudy Giuliani
26% Tom Tancredo
25% John McCain
23% Ron Paul
22% Mitt Romney
19% Mike Huckabee
10% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

Go take the quiz and get back to me in comments. I'm off to see the results of New Hampshire. Yawn. Screw them. Maybe I'll just watch a House rerun instead. Who cares about a bunch of Independent caucasians who talk funny anyway? ;-)