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| My dad and Mac |
I awoke with a headache, thanks to a big front that's moved in. Sometimes migraines can make me feel emotional and a bit...close to the edge. Maybe I dreamed about him, maybe it was Rick greeting me this morning with the election news of all the Democratic victories, but I find myself thinking of my father so much this morning.
For those of you who are new here, my dad was a lifelong union man, a steelworker, a former professional fastpitch softball pitcher known as the Lorain Tornado, and staunch Democrat. He was a first generation American, born of two Croatian immigrants. He was a WWII veteran, a deep reader of philosophy, an appreciator of music, and a guardian of Nature. He was also a terrible chauvinist who perplexingly encouraged his three daughters to be independent, confident, free thinkers, to never need a man, and to stand up for themselves always.
Here is a partial list of some other
Things I Learned From My Father
1. Look someone in the eye when you talk to them.
2. Don't be part of The Common Herd.
3. Some people simply cannot help themselves, and they need help from others and their government.
4. The anticipation of an event is just as important as the event itself.
5. Every person has value.
6. Be a good listener and you can talk with anyone.
These are all pretty self-explanatory, but they helped to make me a good teacher, parent, and person. All of us were raised without prejudice, and we were expected to be kind. In the later years of his career, Dad was a security guard at US Steel, working the gatehouses where big trucks came in and out and the workers left after their shift was over. So many of them hung around just to talk to my father, sometimes for an hour or more. It wasn't uncommon for us to be out and about and have several people come up to him and chat, even when we were on our cross-country trip! He knew everyone, and everyone wanted to stop and exchange a few words. Oddly enough, my father used to grumble about this often, saying he preferred to be left alone.
Growing up, I was often frustrated by my demanding father. He was old-fashioned and strict; he seemed as if he didn't trust us. I know now that he didn't trust the world and the people around us. He saw what was out there, more of it than we did. His own childhood was ugly and rough. I wish he had tried to make us understand.
He did see the results of his endeavours, however, both in his children and his grandchildren before he died 25 years ago. I know he found great joy in that.
Talk about serendipity. I wrote my comments about seeing the results before I read this. So, yes. I am sure he took great joy in you and your boys doing fine and following the paths he saw for you. That is what getting really old gives you.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what he would have thought of the last game of the World Series and the inch at home plate that lost the Jays the win. Or so the afterburner whines want us to think. I wish I could have had a good view of the outfield for that play. Love my Jays.
What a fine tribute to what must have been a great father, even if a tough one. My whole aim for so many years was to be a good enough mom.
Hah. Got in early on this one.
Mary G--Your comment about being a good enough mom made me think. I wonder if my father had "an aim" about being a certain kind of father. I know he idolized his own dad, who was bullied by his mother. (She wanted to be completely American, was frivolous, and forbade any Croatian to be spoken in the home. Her family were already in the US; his was not.)
DeleteAnyway. I don't know if I ever heard either of my parents say anything about their goal as parents. Probably they never thought about it. All four of us (5 if you count a miscarriage) came on a bit suddenly, and I think they just kind of held on and got through.
I wanted the Jays to win, too. You know how I feel about all things Canadian. And I like to see upstarts get the win.
What a wonderful tribute to your father. He sounds like he was a very special person. ❤️
ReplyDeleteMG--Thank you. I didn't mean to write a tribute, but I guess that's sort of how it turned out...?
DeleteThose are all such great lessons! They all resonate with me, deeply.
ReplyDeleteNicole--I think so, too. Important and applicable for anyone.
DeleteThis is great. He sounds like a great man, especially having overcome a difficult childhood/experience. I'm so glad that he instilled those independent characteristics in his daughters even though he leaned towards chauvinism. I'm now panicked that my kids could not draft such a specific list of the lessons I taught them, and I must get on that. (like I fear most of the lessons they've learned from me relate to laundry and food spoilage - bah ha ha. I don't really think that's true, but those are the phone calls I get despite the availability of Google). I think it's great that he was such a magnet to so many people. I am wondering, have you ever visited Croatia? A few of my kids have been there and they loved it.
ReplyDeleteErnie--My dad was a complicated man. So many of the things I learned from him have mellowed over the years when at first, they seemed like mandates. Many of them I picked up by watching him move through life or listening to him talk.
DeleteThat's how your own kids will make their lists (or live them) in the future. They'll remark on things like time management, family members all pitching in, being there for one another, helping those in need, and there's always room for one more. See? Even I can make a list of lessons you've taught them!
And I'm laughing at our parallel lives once again. My sons have called me so many times about food spoilage and laundry! Jared--not anymore since he married a former chef and has become a very practiced cook.
I have never visited Croatia. I was invited by my friend and word traveller Mikey, but had to decline. It's still on my Wish List.
Brought a tear. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteDB--Oh, my. Thank you! I'm glad you appreciated it.
DeleteLove this tribute to your father. Your dad certainly gave you and your sisters very wise advice to live by. I especially like “Be a good listener and you can talk with anyone.” My dad used to say something very similar: “The best conversationalists are those who know how to listen.” He also used to remind me gently, when I got a little too snarky with people who annoyed me, as was (and still is sometimes) my wont: “You catch more flies with honey.” Probably the best advice of all in my case.
ReplyDeleteMy dad died of a massive coronary in 1980 when I was 27. I am so glad that he lived long enough to see two of his grandchildren, although both were babies when he passed away. I still miss him so much and regret that I had so few years of my adult life to spend with him; I think many of us appreciate our parents more and more as we grow older. 1978 was the last time I saw my dad. He had to attend an international conference in Italy and made a little side trip to Madrid to see me. When he arrived, he told my friends that his Spanish-speaking clients in South America all called him “El Gringo Grande.” (He was 6’4”.) And that was his moniker for the rest of his stay. He fell in love with Spain, as I had, even in that short time. Like the case of your dad, people loved talking to him, even with his broken Spanish which he worked hard at learning. I am so grateful for that final memory of him.❤️
Ortizzle--I love that memory of your dad, El Gringo Grande, and the fact that he made a special trip to see you in his travels. And that he worked so hard to learn Spanish for the country he fell in love with.
DeleteThe list is not of quotes, but of things I learned by growing up listening to and watching him. My favourite of his quotes directly to me was this one: "Nancy, you're smart and you're goodlooking, and that makes you bad company for most men." He was trying to tell me that I needed to be selective. He always thought that my ideal mate would be a professor of some kind, preferably English or literature. He ended up very fond of Rick because he could tell how much Rick respected me.
And you're absolutely correct: appreciation comes with age and life experience. I'm not waiting for that so much with my sons, however; I have already apologized for some things and told them that I was young and muddling through the best that I could.
I loved reading this, thank-you. I also have a father who will talk to anyone anywhere - it took us forever when I brought him to get his Covid shots. He is eighty-five and I am fifty-five and when we're out together I still get mistaken for his wife (they swear it's because he looks young and not because I look old, I hope to hell they're not lying). The Lorain Tornado! A philosophy reader! What a Renaissance man. There is so much that generation had to push down and suppress because of how trauma was not acknowledged, especially in men. It's amazing that he was able to overcome it as much as he did.
ReplyDeleteBibliomama--Oh, thank you. I'm so glad it resonated with you. And thank you for your insightful analysis of that generation; it's so true. Men of our father's generation just went through a war and other trauma, then just grabbed their lunchpails and went to work.
DeleteYou do NOT look like the wife of an 85-year old man. Your dad must look very young for his age and be in tip-top shape.
The lesson that resonated with me the most was about anticipation…so true. When I plan a vacation, it’s so wonderful to dream about it and plan it and so on. When something bad is happening, the anticipatory grief can suck all of the joy from life. I would like to be able to get rid of the bad kind and keep the good kind, but I don’t think our brains work that way.
ReplyDeleteJ--You make such a great point here about the flip side of Anticipation, and I had not ever thought about that. My father always loved talking about the things we were going to do, whether it was for Christmas or a trip or whatever. Talking was big in our house--about everything. When I shared a bed with my little sister, she'd always ask me to tell her about the run-up to things--our big Christmas Eve party, our trip to Gettysburg, etc.
DeleteBut worry--that anticipatory grief--is dreadful, literally. We lose so much of life and happiness when we worry. And our worries don't affect the outcome one bit. If you ever find a strategy to lessen worry, please let me know. Let all of us know!
With my mom, I was stressed the entire time she was ill, but I didn’t really think she would die. With my dad, it was a sudden shock. But with Mulder, I tried SO HARD to be in the moment when his cancer came back, and I just wanted to enjoy the time we had. But I failed. I cried all of the time and it sucked. So yeah, dreadful.
DeleteJ--I would have been exactly the same as you were with Mulder. Please don't think of it as a failure. Your heart was broken. You did the best you could.XO
DeleteWhat a touching post. Your father sounded like a wonderful man. We all have our flaws but it seems like he rose above his, especially since he encouraged his daughters to all be strong, independent women who did not need a man.
ReplyDeleteMy dad has worked so hard his whole life and only recently retired in his early 70s. So he has been a role model for having a strong work ethic - but he’s also taught us the importance of slowing down and enjoying the simple pleasures of life. He loves to sit on the dock and fish in silence, or will spend hours in the ice house fishing. He seems to crave solitude and I can so relate. I’ve also appreciated how he is a keen observer and doesn’t need to ask a thousand questions like my mom is prone to do (I love my mom of course but she has high information needs!!). My dad will get as much information with far fewer questions. That is a talent! And funnily, I basically have married someone very similar to my dad. They have very different views on things but there are a lot of parallels between my dad and Phil.
Lisa--Thank you. My father had many, many flaws. I harped on them too much growing up, so now I like to put them aside and focus on the good things about his character. Age and distance are great softeners of memory.
DeleteYour own father sounds very comforting and strong, someone who is able to be alone with his thoughts without feeling lonely. That comes from contentment and confidence. And I know from reading your posts how wonderful he is with your kids.
Your statement about marrying someone like your father made me think. Did I marry someone like my own father? My answer would be no. It's probably because I'm so much like my dad that it would have been a problem. Instead, I married someone with the same values, but very opposite in almost every other way.
Your dad makes me think of Connie Schultz's dad - a union man too. My dad was also in a union (Teamsters) - he retired from UPS after many years. But my mom was the one that everyone knew & she also would grumble when people approached her when she was out & about.
ReplyDeleteBug--I see the parallels. And you know how I feel about Mrs. SHERROD BROWN.
DeleteI think it's no secret that I'm a fan of your dad, so I truly appreciated all of this post, Nance.
ReplyDeleteThe Lorain Tornado in more than softball, I'm sure.
maya--Thank you. And he absolutely was. A little more about his past athletic prowess can be found here in his Sports Hall of Fame writeup.
DeleteBeyond that, he was so well-respected and liked/loved by his communities. During his memorial, all I wanted to do was go home, but I was deterred from that by the steady stream of people who came--and came and came and came. I had no idea who so many of them were. He was a part of many lives.
I enjoyed the writeup, Nance. Thank you for sharing that and your memory about his memorial. What a life!
DeleteYour father sounds like a wonderful man. This had me thinking back about my own father, who thankfully taught me many of the same things.
ReplyDeleteMartha--Thank you. He was a complicated man, but he was a man of great integrity and high ideals. He made sure he impressed those upon his four children. I hope you have good memories of your dad.
DeleteYour dad sounds a lot like mine. For instance, he was extremely prejudiced, but God help us if we said anything or even worse, acted in such a way! It was like he couldn't help himself, but didn't want his kids to grow up to be like him in that way.
ReplyDeleteI feel that your father could be polarizing in his parenting; he taught you many valuable lessons, but he was also tough. I loved reading about the values he instilled in you, and it's proof that his words meant a great deal and that they shaped you into who you are today. I'm sure he would love to know that you've passed along all that great information to your sons, and then it will continue on.
ReplyDeleteMy father also played fast-pitch softball for most of his adult life and was quite the athlete. That's probably the only thing our fathers had in common as my dad wasn't exactly someone to admire.
It's funny that everyone wanted to talk with him, but he would have preferred they not.