My dear friend Mary was asked this question, and she wants me to answer it, too. Here it is:
Tell me three things you like about yourself that aren’t ways you serve others.
I find this difficult. Firstly, I am usually not very good about accepting compliments. It's something I've been working on for a long time, ever since my husband brought it to my attention. He told me it was frustrating and joyless to pay me any compliment because I instantly backhand or negate it. Example:
Rick: You look really good today.
Nance: My hair is driving me crazy.
--or--
Rick: Wow! This pasta you made is terrific.
Nance: I feel like it's missing something.
He also told me that all I have to say is Thank You. Period. And that pretty soon he was just going to give up if I didn't knock it the hell off. I don't blame him.
The thing is, I give a lot of compliments, really good ones. And I'm happy when they makes someone's day. Why wouldn't I want the same for someone else? So, I've been working on accepting compliments graciously and pleasantly, like normal people do.
Basically, this question asks me to give myself a direct compliment--three of them, actually--and it feels like Therapy. Let's see how I do.
1. I like that I'm Smart. I have a lot of natural Curiosity about pretty much everything, so I read widely in many subjects and have done so all my life. I learned speed reading at a young age, too, so if I need information quickly, I can scan a lot of articles and get what I need. Teaching English meant I taught Life; my students relied upon me to know literally Everything in every story, play, novel, or poem. All references to people, places, and things were my job to explain or identify, so I anticipated that and made sure I knew them.
2. I like that I have a good Palate. Even though I am an apathetic cook a great deal of the time, I can toss any number of ingredients together and make a delicious meal. I've created many, many recipes that have become favourites and are often requested. I can balance out sauces by adding perhaps a little mustard or a little balsamic or a little butter. I'm also spot on with my wine pairings.
3. I like that I have Command of The Language. I'm a confident and excellent writer and speaker, and I can express myself well in both arenas. I delight in the MUGS (Mechanics, Usage, Grammar, Spelling) and never have more fun than when debating whether or not a comma belongs someplace or if someone's passive voice is justified. (I still don't judge any of that in the Comments section. Honest, I don't.)
Okay. Back in the Olden Dayes Of Blogs, I'd tag people (remember that?) to answer these questions over at their spaces. Instead, how about you tell me three things you like about yourself that aren't acts of service to others in Comments?
This is a very difficult assignment, Nance! I like that I rarely get bored. I like that I am a fast typer. I like that I am adept at fitting a lot of things into the dishwasher.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne--It's a toughie. I wonder if men have as tough a time. Hmm.
DeleteI'm terrible at loading the dishwasher, especially to Rick's satisfaction. (I'm bad at Tetris, too.) I'm also rarely bored and grateful for my typing class from long ago. I'd like to add that you have a very identifiable and clear voice in your writing.
Well thank you, Nance! What an unexpected and appreciated comment!
DeleteAs my wise friend L says when I protest a compliment or offer: "A simple 'thank you' would suffice." Easier said than done, I know!
ReplyDeleteI agree with your list of qualities here, Nance--there's plenty of evidence of all of it in your writing. :) You're also so amazing at making people feel good about themselves and you're protective (both of those are more in the service of others though, right?).
Three things I like about myself: I love (that sounds like it could be in the service of others, but it's for me, really); I'm good at languages; and I have a good eye (for decor and wardrobe especially).
maya--Thank you. I appreciate you saying such lovely things about my writing, which is so important to me. And you're right--I'm very protective by nature, and I can't seem to turn that off.
DeleteI'd like to add to your Things that you have a definite Poet's Soul. I taught young poets for over 30 years (which was my most profound privilege) and when I read your work, I feel it. It gives me a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction, like I'm watching the bloom of an artist again.
Thank you, Nance. Please feel free to "teach" me whenever you feel like it!
Deletemaya--I wouldn't presume. But thank you for the generous offer.
DeleteThis IS a difficult assignment and will require some thinking on my part. In the meantime, yes I remember *tagging* people...ahh, the heydays of blogging.
ReplyDeleteGigi--It really does require a Different Sort Of Thinking. I do hope you come back and share.
Delete1. I have a good sense of humor. 2. I am very self-motivated. My personal trainer once gave me a challenge and it was like game on. I made sure that I leg pressed that 400 lbs. (which I had never done) and it wasn't for him. It was for me. I proved I could do anything I put my mind to. It has served me well. Right now I have a big health challenge and I am meeting it (so far). 3. I am very organized and very tidy.
ReplyDeleteDee--I'm very concerned and sorry that you have a big health challenge. If anyone can get the best of it, it would be you. You are one determined lady who has proven she can follow any pattern, no matter how many do-overs there may be. The leg press certainly proves that as well.
DeleteI'd like to add that you have a great eye for photography. I really enjoy the pictures you post on your blog when you and Steve go on day trips. You capture such lovely scenes and quirky things at each place. I always feel as if I'm there.
I do the same thing when people give me compliments. I've thought about why I have that habit and have come up with nothing but I, too, am working on saying 'thank you' and not stealing someone else's joy in giving me a compliment. The three thing I like about myself. That's a tough one. I like that I can keep a secret or confidence and I never pass on anything that could hurt someone's else's feelings. I like that I can enjoy my own company, and don't mind eating alone from time to time (which others here freak out about) and third I like that I have a good sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteJean--Enjoying one's own company is a big one. I don't mind being alone, either. I think some people worry too much about What It Looks Like.
DeleteI'd like to add that you have a great discipline when it comes to writing. Unlike me, you write like a writer--writing every day and a certain number of words per day. And you've been writing your entire life in letters, journals, blogs, and SP books. All this despite having some dyslexia. It's a huge achievement.
I think this is fun! I like my eyes - the color - sort of blue, sort of green, sort of grey - I guess what is known as Hazel? They change with the weather and what I'm wearing. I have a good sense of humor. I enjoy my own company and am happy/comfortable (sometimes preferring) to be by myself.
ReplyDeleteVera--Yay! I think it's great that you can do this as a fun exercise.
DeleteMy son Sam has the same eyes you do. (Hazel is normally brown, green, and gold, so not really hazel since there is blue in there.) His would even turn a bit lavender. And I could always tell when he was sick by the colour ofo his eyes.
I'd like to add that you are an adventurous and happy cook. I always marvel at how many new recipes you try and how many different foods and cuisines you like. And how much you bake and enjoy it.
I also like to think that I have a good brain. Reading constantly and my work (editing clinical research studies) help keep me sharp (I hope to god!) as I age. I like that almost all dogs love me instinctively. And I like that I am so resilient and that I've built a life I am so very proud of.
ReplyDeleteElle--Editing certainly does keep one sharp. For me, it has almost ruined reading for pleasure. I can't turn off my Inner Editor. Do you have any hints?
DeleteI'd like to add that you are insightful and socially conscious. Your comments here show me that you think deeply about things and follow current events closely.
Oh, dear, I am also guilty of not accepting compliments easily, always trying to downplay them because I am just self-critical by nature. But anyway... here goes...
ReplyDelete1. I like that I can find the humour in many situations and make people laugh.
2. I like that I have always sought out new adventures in life and never been disappointed, even when things didn't always work out.
3. I like that so many of my students thank me for being understanding and going out of my way to help them out in difficult times.
—Beyond that, I love that you take the time to make thoughtful, personalized, totally on-target responses to our comments on your blog. XXOO
Ortizzle--I think so many of us women have trouble accepting compliments. We have been taught by Society to Be Modest, Always. Thank you for appreciating my responses to Comments here. I do take time and put thought into each one. I treasure my Readers and their input here.
DeleteYou certainly have had an adventurous life, meeting royalty and at least one POTUS that I can remember. You lived abroad and had such cool jobs and experiences. I'd like to add that you embrace challenge and rise to it every time. You've had tough times in both the health and work arenas, yet you've squared up and fought on. You are an asset to your university, and I'm sure they know you do the job of at least three people.XO
On that final comment: everyone in my department now knows I am retiring next May, and they all say they appreciate how much work I have done for the department. That means a lot in a department that has really stellar professors who have won so many professional awards, some on a national level. I am sure you were missed terribly by students and staff alike when you retired.
DeleteOrtizzle--I am so happy that you have a set date for your retirement and that it's soon. Hooray! And thank you for your kind words about my own retirement.
DeleteP.S. - I just realized that my 3rd reason is probably considered and "act of service" to others. So maybe No. 3 could be.... I like that I always find some kind of workable solution to every personal problem that crops up, even if it may not be the most advisable.
ReplyDeleteOrtizzle--Being a problem solver is a great trait, especially when you're personally involved in a difficult spot. Keeping your head on straight when you're struggling or in crisis is not easy.
DeleteI definitely also deflect compliments. I think my middle name might be Self Deprecating? Maybe. I do concur with your list about yourself, which shows through your writing. Boy I wish I had the ability to throw ingredients together to make a lovely meal (you've seen my "creations;" you know my struggle).
ReplyDeleteThree things about me: I really do see all twelve sides to every story, which can be helpful in defusing situations. I think I'm funny. I'm pretty proud of how I taught myself to crochet and have stuck with it.
P.S. IT WAS VERY HARD NOT TO ADD "BUT" TO EACH OF THOSE. Oof.
Bug--Thanks for your kind words. Any kudos about my writing make me especially happy since that's profoundly important to me.
DeleteYou should be incredibly proud of yourself for your crochet! I had no idea you were self-taught. You've truly become adept and talented at it, and you've learned so much so quickly.
I'd like to add that you are a sincerely compassionate person who has taken the time to study and become involved by learning about marginalized groups and people who are suffering from bias and intolerance. You have taken it upon yourself to get educated and spread some awareness on your blog and, I'm sure, through your church leadership. I think that's outstanding. (And no buts about it.)
I like that you married well. Rick just wins me over every time you write about him. (That makes it sound like I didn't like him to begin with and he had to win me over...no, I just mean that I like him more and more.) Getting you to change the way you talk about yourself is the first step toward changing the way you think about yourself. I would very much like to come to the lake house and partake in some delicious food and wine chosen and prepared by Nance! (Am I inviting myself over? Yes! Also, inviting you to come taste some of my cooking!) I wish I had your natural ability with cooking. I enjoy cooking, but am very much a follower of recipes.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely and self reflective practice this is. And I like the caveat that it NOT be in service to others.
OK, now the hard part. Hmmm. As The Bug says, it's hard to write them without some little self-deprecating 'but'.
1. I like that I am even-keeled. I do not have a bad temper. I get angry, as everyone does, but I am not moody.
2. I like that I can see different sides of situations, and this, combined with #1, has made my opinion valuable in work (and personal) situations. I think it also makes me compassionate.
3. I like that I am smart. I can figure out complex issues at work quickly, and get my shit done in a very timely manner. In my job, that does not generally bite me in the butt. It means I can have more time to work on things that I want to work on, or take a long lunch and run an errand or take a nap or go for a walk if I want to.
OK, why is that so hard? It really was difficult to not qualify any of these.
J--What a sweet tribute to my husband. I completely agree with it, every word. And you're welcome to come to see us at the lake and share our wine and our boat.
DeleteYou make quite a salient point about what happens when you change the way you talk about yourself. It's so important. I wish I had learned that so very long ago. It's still a challenge that I work to overcome daily.
I admire people who are calm and even-tempered, and I've been working on my temper my entire life. My father was quite volatile--the complete opposite of my mother--and I made up my mind early on not to be like him in that way. I wasn't always successful, and I married a man who was more even-keeled to balance me out (your hero, again). Jared, who is very much like me, is partnered with the calmest, most even-tempered person I've ever met in Jordan.
I'd like to add to your kudos that you are one of the most interesting and well-rounded people I know. Your diverse background gives you incredible insight and empathy into people; you have an open mind and are a natural celebrator. I feel as if I could spend a lot of time, have a lot of fun, yet learn a lot from you.
I saw your comment over at Engie's and I was curious, so I popped over. Hi! We have friends in common. I think that maybe I'm an asshole because I love pretty much everything about myself. Not everything, of course, but generally I like my qualities. Ha! Everyone here is modestly saying "this is so hard to answer" and I'm like LOOK AT MEEEEEEE I LOVE MYSELF, as I said at Engie's, I could probably work on modesty.
ReplyDeleteNicole--Hello, and welcome to the Dept. I love your strong sense of Self Love. Where do you think it came from--strong, supportive parents and siblings? only child syndrome? lots of success early in life? cultural differences? I'm genuinely curious.
DeleteI don't think everyone who finds this difficult is being modest; I know I'm not. Extolling our virtues doesn't come easily for many of us. And many of us know why while others don't know the source of our discomfort with it beyond a general societal taboo.
This is tough, but I'm gonna give it a try. I like my sense of humor. I like my memory. (I'm an elephant, I guess. Isn't that the animal that never forgets?) I like that I'm not afraid to speak up. When those combine, I think it makes my writing relatable and funny. I'm writing a memoir. My sense of humor is key to share my memories, and there've been things over time that I wanna set people straight on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with J - I love that your guy is insisting that you accept compliments.
Ernie--I agree that those things combine to make it easier to share memories that aren't always pleasant or sweet. They'll help you frame your story in a better perspective.
DeleteI'd like to add that you are undaunted by details and arrangements. You find a way to make everything work. How you work the logistics of your life astonishes me, and then you add trips and projects and even two whole new kids to it! You are fearless.
Well, Nance. You just made my day. I'm touched. Thank you for the compliment.
DeleteHmm, that's a challenge! I mean, I like to help people when I can, but I know, that's not the point. Okay: I like that I'm a good knitter, that I have found this thing that I enjoy and has brought so many friends into my life. I like how I make time to read books, just for the fun of it. And I like that I'm a passionate hockey fan, while trying not to talk the ear off anyone who asks, how are the Bruins doing?
ReplyDeleteccr---It really *is* a challenge, isn't it, to stop and think about things that you are/do routinely, and identify them. Knitting is one of those hobbies that does bring others into your life, and happily, they seem to be the kind of people who you have more in common with than just knitting, too.
DeleteI'd like to add that you are good at making your passions a priority without becoming selfish; you are a terrific caretaker for your mom, and we all know what a great cat person you are, too.
Apparently, I followed Nicole over here! I too came based on your comment on Engie's blog as I had to find out what this "three things" thing was and get involved!! I love your thoughtful comments to everyone's comments; I don't even know you but I can tell you are a considerate thoughtful person!
ReplyDeleteI also have a hard time accepting compliments; I actually hate getting my hair cut as I know that the next day someone is going to say something! So I will sometimes just put it in a ponytail even though I just took the time to have it cut.... BUT, I like that I am reliable; if I say I am going to do something, I will. If I cannot or do not want to, I will say no. I do not commit to things I cannot follow through on. I also like that I am dedicated; if I set my mind to something, it will get done, by hook or by crook. And if I decide to do something, I go in whole hog; there is no halfway. I always say that I am an "all or none" kind of person. Lastly, I am loyal. If you are my friend, I will fight to the death for you. I will back you up. Thanks for getting us to think about the good things!
Kyria--Hi, and welcome to the Dept. Thanks for such kind words here; I appreciate them.
DeleteAnd you're welcome, too, for this chance to think (and then speak) glowingly about yourself. You make a good point here about that. How often do we focus on our good qualities, let alone announce them? Maybe we need to do more of that, especially the latter. Maybe we need to say, "I really came through for my friend today," or "I could have lost my temper at this inept receptionist, but I kept my cool and..." or "Things really could have gone sideways at work today, but I made a joke about it and we laughed and got back on track."
As J said above, talking about ourselves positively makes us think about ourselves positively. That can only be good, right?
Okay, I did my homework and thought long and hard about why this was so hard to answer. I would be devastated if my loved ones couldn't talk about what they love about themselves!
ReplyDelete1) I love that I am smart. I can keep up with difficult conversations, read hard things, and can think about things and make connections.
2) I love that I am curious. I am smart, but deeply aware that the world is full of an infinite amount of knowledge and I only know a drop. I love to hear people talk about things they have expertise in because then I know a tiny bit more.
3) I love that reading is my main hobby. I think it goes well with the above two qualities in terms of helping me keep my brain sharp and learning more about other people and topics.
Whew. I had to work on that all weekend!
NGS--You make such a good point here: I, too, would be deeply upset if my kids or my husband couldn't Tell Me Three Things with relative ease.
DeleteIsn't it fulfilling to hear people speak with great passion and expertise about their fields? I don't even care what it is; I just become rapt in the listening. That's one of the reasons I loved the Netflix series People In Cars Getting Coffee hosted by Jerry Seinfeld. The comedians spoke about the inner workings of comedy and what makes things funny. I also watched a documentary series with Paul McCartney, and he broke down the Beatles' sound and how they collaborated and made the music, and how their manager was instrumental in helping them innovate. It was incredible. I learned so much.
I'd like to add that you are tenacious and determined. Whether it's in patiently training your dog, emerging by degrees after the pandemic into an uncertain social dynamic, or finding the right job, you challenged yourself and kept at it. Kudos.
I love this post. And thank you for saying you don't judge grammar in the comment section, hopefully that goes for my blog too as I'm rarely perfect in that arena.
ReplyDeleteI too have a hard time taking compliments, but I am improving.
Rick is an absolute Gem and I adore everything about your relationship.
I enjoy the fact that I am easy going. I get along with most everyone I come in contact with and I don't draw hard lines against people who think differently than I when it comes to politics, religion, sexuality, etc
I love that I am a laugher. With myself or in a crowd.
I'm proud of the fact that I overcame a dysfunctional childhood and did not pass on any of that crap to my kids.
BB Suz--I'll tell Rick of your Appreciation for him. I'd like to say that I adore everything about our relationship, too, but he keeps leaving papers all over the table in the living room and his part of the basement is a nightmare. LOL
DeleteIt's clear to everyone that you more than overcame a tough childhood. You went on to make a relationship with your mom that you can recall with tenderness and smiles. That's extraordinary.
I'd like to add that you are an incredibly generous person. It would be easy to excuse you if you felt the need to keep your resources close, knowing your childhood, but instead you focus on giving and making the lives of others better and a little easier. That speaks well of your character and much of your big heart.
Thank you so much, Nance.
DeleteI understand the issue with our men leaving their things all over the place. If I can complain, my husband has completely taken over my office/craft room with merchandise and I have no place to sort/wrap presents. It could get ugly in a minute. 😳