Never before has the holiday seemed so Existential to me. Exactly why must I put up this tree, these mantel decorations and stockings, only to take them all down again in a couple of weeks? I'm not Scroogey or Grinchy, just a bit disengaged and weary.
As I said in someone's Comment section, I feel stalked and threatened by Christmas this year. It just keeps hanging around, taunting me with its proximity, and I cannot get away from its attendant responsibilities. I haven't done any shopping yet. I don't even know where it will be yet--here or at Jared and Jordan's to accommodate them, still trying to get some semblance of order and routine with Theo.
(Not long ago, Jordan had to be admitted to the hospital for a scary situation. Jared and Theo roomed in with her. What she has gone through...calling her a warrior isn't nearly enough. And Jared has been a pillar of strength and a neverending fount of love.)
This week I am caring for my mother in my home, so there will be no shopping marathon to search for inspiration and knock out some gift-buying. Next week is The Week. It either happens, or It doesn't. I am determined that It will. (And I hear you: I do know what day it is and how much time is/is not left and how to online shop--ugh.)
Here's what I really want for Christmas:
1. I want Men to share the load of Holiday Bringing.
2. I want Christmas to be less of a huge gift binge.
3. I want people to stop putting bigass inflatable figures in their yard but only inflating them at night as if we cannot see them during the day lying there like gigantic used condoms.
4. I want people online everywhere to stop using the word WOMEN as the singular form, completely forgetting we have the word WOMAN. (Not Christmas-related, but it's getting ridiculous.)
5. I want my neighbours to toss their Halloween pumpkins rather than allow them to continue rotting on the front porch where I have to see them every single day as if it isn't December, but still October.
These seem Reasonable to me.
Please, in Comments, do not tell me how you got all your shopping done by September, or how you have all your wrapping done, or how wonderful your Christmas Spirit is this year...unless you can also give me Sympathy, Commiseration, A Killer Pro Tip, or Righteous Indignation about my Real Christmas List.
I'm in a Fragile Place right now, and having an Existential Crisis.
Your list is not unreasonable. And no, I'm right there with you trying to figure out how this all supposed to get done. At this point, (other than the children on my list, of course) whatever gets done is fine.
ReplyDeleteGigi--Thank you. It feels like there should be a huge Course Correction, and we should all stop buying so many things for adults. A national ad campaign should be mounted that reminds everyone that CHRISTMAS IS FOR THE CHILDREN. Period. And Children stop being that at about 15.
DeleteThe inflatables looking like used condoms had me chortling. I wasn't aware the world is struggling with woman vs women, but I can't say I'm surprised.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on this 100%. Coach usually manages to do more spiritual reflection type things and while I'd like to, I struggle to find the time. Shame on me, I guess. I'm not excited about decorating, or hosting my entire side of the family - because that includes two sisters who have never said a word while Reg's nightmare has unfolded, plus all the other crap. I want to call them out for who they are, but they will still be who they are. I'm spinning my wheels to entertain and incorporate Christmas spirit stuff to the two foster girls, which is great - they appreciate it, BUT I still need to buy the gifts.
I asked Coach last night if we were going to buy flights for spring break for them as gifts (and our 2 youngest) and he said SURE. That means I have to start shopping for flights and choose dates. And it never ends.
I finished my annual Christmas poem today. It's at the printers. I am trying to update addresses. I have another doc appointment tomorrow. 3rd this week (2nd for me - other was a lengthy one with Reg).
Sorry this is more of a post than a comment. You hit a nerve. For Christmas I want a watch. I don't like having to look at my phone. My watch broke in May and I haven't had time to replace it. Ha.
Ernie--You struggle to find the time for Spiritual Reflection because your husband and family are not pulling their Holiday Weight. What would happen if you started doing what THEY do to "get ready for the holidays"? THERE WOULD BE NO HOLIDAYS. Maybe we all need to try it one year and let them see how little they contribute.
DeleteYour list is neverending. Your husband's consists of saying OK to whatever you propose. Not fair at all.
For Christmas you should ask for a watch and a far more equitable distribution of labour. STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! (At the very least, a family meeting during which you present a list of everything you do compared to lists of everything each of them does.) Rabble-rousing is in your blood as an IrishwomAn.
And you can blog in my Comments any old time.
Ha. I have a very frustrating example of how I delegated today and how that blew up. It left me in tears. I thought it was one thing he could do. I told him what to do. I described how long the wait would be, and yet - no. He did not get the copy of Reg's MRI of his brain on a CD for the epilepsy specialist - he got a paper report. Not.what.we.needed. Another trip to the hospital for the CD. He'll do it, don't get me wrong, but imagine if he'd done it right and then he had time to do something else on my never ending list? Tank, on the other hand, is nonstop WHAT CAN I DO TODAY TO MAKE YOUR DAY EASIER? Amen, brother. And guess who I have not a single gift purchased for yet? Yep, Tank. And his bday was 12/5th and there was no gift. He was happy to go to a bar legally at school with friends. ;)
DeleteErnie--I hear you; I HEAR YOU. The heavens blessed you with Tank, and yet another job for you is to make certain you don't ever overlook him or let him fall by the wayside because He'll Be Just Fine; He Always Is. (I was Tank in my family, and I'm still not over it; can you tell?)
DeleteIt's just not easy, and this is the kind of stuff that happens in families, no matter how big or small. Everyone gets trained to Look To Mom For Everything. Dads everywhere need to STEP THE HELL UP. Learned Helplessness is a real thing, and I'm sick and tired of it.
Hang in there. Whatever you do is Enough. Start saying NO and THIS IS ENOUGH.
I hope that all of the scary stuff is in the PAST for Jordan, how horrible. If it was related to childbirth, all I can say is, Thank God for modern medicine, and I cannot believe all that our bodies go through.
ReplyDeleteAnd now you're caring for your mom. Time with her is a gift, and you are cherishing that, and yet it is a LOT of work caring for someone with memory issues, you have to pay such careful attention to make sure nothing goes amiss. I'm sending you strength, if I can.
Christmas does feel kind of existential to me this year as well. I think perhaps we expect to much from Christmas, from ourselves and from each other. This year it feels like just another day, and while I'm not sad about that, I'm not thrilled either. I have gotten my gifts for my Portland and Juneau families, meaning gift cards and items from Amazon wish lists. But for Ted and Maya? Nothing yet. I'm going out for lunch with a girlfriend tomorrow, and we always have great fun together. I am hoping that it will cheer me up and spur me to shop while we're downtown. Otherwise I'm not sure what is going to happen. Why so much focus on gifts? I know I'm an atheist, but I'm starting to like Linus's feelings about it all. Let go of the pressure and the gifts and all of the trappings, and try to find peace and calm. I think that's what I want this year for myself, peace and calm. And a gift certificate for a massage.
J--Jordan's stay was related to her C-section. I echo your thankfulness and praise her as a saint.
DeleteThank you for sending me strength. I need it. It is stressful, and I mainly do it to help my brother, with whom she lives full time. It is a complicated thing, and I wish it weren't.
I think that once our kids are grown, the Magic Of Christmas dissipates, and we are left with the Job Of Christmas, the tasks, the chores, the business of it all. It's just Work. I'd like to retire from Christmas, to be honest. Perhaps when Theo is a little older, the Magic will return. I'm sure it will.
I'm glad to hear that you're in the same spot I am (Misery loves Company) regarding gift shopping for immediate family. Have fun with your girlfriend downtown. That sounds lovely. And let's both aim for peace and calm as we wind down this year.
Also, YES to your list, especially 1 and 2. YES. 4 I hadn't noticed and hope I never do because it will bug the crap out of me. 3 I ignore. 5, yes again. The squirrels ate away at my pumpkins this year, and the spots where they nibbled rotted even earlier than usual. Horrible. But they've been gone since the first week of November. Also also, 3 and 5 made me laugh, so thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteJ--Anytime I can make you laugh, I'm glad. And I think we all need to work on 1 and 2 so that they stop happening.
DeleteI'm glad the little family is doing well and glad that Jordan is better. Nance, may I sympathize and commiserate and also suggest that your festival spirit is right on track for Festivus :)? I'm here for all of your grievances! Could I also add people's new proclivity for making the plural of the word with an apostrophe?! (the rage I feel on that one!)
ReplyDeleteOn the shopping--I am the expert of going overboard here, so I got you, as they say. Online shopping is definitely your best best here. Also, would a "signature gift" work for you? (i.e., you give everyone on your list the *same* thoughtful gift in different colors. Headlamps, blankets, travel bags, dopp kits, scarves, etc. have worked for me in the past.
Enjoy your mom time... I am excited for your four-generation family Christmas!
maya--Thank you. LOL about Festivus! FOR THE REST OF US. That's one of our favourites. We constantly refer to that episode for so many things, especially Feats Of Strength.
DeleteHow I wish Adding Apostrophes For Plurals was a new proclivity, that I hadn't been railing against it Forever. Sigh. That one has been burning my eyes for ages, especially on people's homes announcing The Smith's or The Brown's. AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrggghhh.
Thank you for the Signature Gift tip. I may use that. And I hit Amazon last night like a hurricane.
(J&J and Theo came over earlier this week so that my mother could meet and hold Theo for the first time. He is #13 of the great-grands.)
What a crazy time for the tiny new family! I hope things calm down & they can find some Merry & Bright (and if they find it, can you have them tell me where it is?).
ReplyDeleteMike & I both decided that we can't really do the tree this year. We just don't have it in us. He has pulled out some of our fun & silly decorations to make it look more festive. I am definitely WITH YOU on the gift giving. It's exhausting & even when I do put some thought into it I don't think the recipient really appreciates the effort. So why bother? Especially since I really would like to have an actual Advent of sorts. On the days that I believe.
Oh! And my new internet pet peeve is the confusion between weary & wary. I have seen it in multiple places. For example, "I would be weary of believing everything that person has to say..." And while, really, weary works, that's not the word they're looking for.
Bug--Thank you. They are both being very calm about it all, at least when they talk/text to me about it.
DeleteI'm feeling so seen! I thought I was all alone in my Christmas Angst and WEARINESS, but I'm finding that others feel the same. Thank you for chiming in here that you and The Professor have even nixed a tree this year. Whereas your Faith is being sorely tested--and I get that--my faith in Real People On The Interwebs here is being restored.
"And while, really, weary works, that's not the word they're looking for."--LOL. This has to be a fb thing, and a sign that you should get off fb. 😘
There is a podcast I listen to (it's good, so I'm not going to name it) that frequently has guests on that use woman as the plural and it drives me absolutely crazy! I was just talking about this with my husband and this trend has missed him entirely!
ReplyDeleteI don't think people are purposefully deflating the inflatables. I think they're just dumb and they deflate on their own when it's too cold, too windy, or someone looks at them in a sinister manner. And people are gone all day at work, so then they get inflated again when they get home. I hate them, too, actually, but I think it's a design flaw rather than people going out of their way to have lumps of deflated fabric in their yards.
Wow. I didn't realize I had strong feelings about these until you pointed them out.
NGS--Perhaps your husband doesn't read enough stuff concerning WOMEN. Hmm.
DeleteYour theory about inflatables is interesting. I hadn't considered any of those variables. I will say that there is one inflatable triceratops balancing gifts on its head (inflated even during the day!) that has not yet worn out its welcome this year. All the rest, even inflated, can hit the road.
Nance, I feel you. I have had some years in the past where the Christmas spirit just skipped my house completely and it DOES feel like an existential crisis. In those cases, I just gritted my teeth and powered through, and the Christmas spirit found me another year. But I have so much empathy for you. It's a really uncomfortable feeling.
ReplyDeleteYour wishlist is excellent. I'm with you on all of them. (Although I have some mostly dead mums on my porch, so I'm probably right up there with the pumpkin keepers in terms of slacking on decor.)
Suzanne--Please, either toss the mums or plant them, dead though they are. Your neighbours will appreciate it mightily. It is, after all, mid-December, and decidedly Not Fall.
DeleteAnd thank you very much for your empathy. You're lucky to have a little girl (although she would not appreciate me calling her that, I know) to keep the Magic In Christmas. It's so helpful when you have a child to Make Christmas For. Theo is too little, but I have many Christmases to look forward to in that regard.
I am definitely powering through. The encouragement of my friends here has been incredibly helpful.
Right. Is is not sad that so many of us who comment here are feeling the pain of Christmas preparation. In my case, I have had the ED remove all of the boxes of Christmas Stuff from under the basement staircase, and all of the boxes are now sitting in the spare bedroom. And I have ordered a gift for my husband and one for the YD and the grandkid, also now sitting in their boxes in the spare bedroom. I have to clear this bedroom by Tuesday, since the YD is coming to occupy it. What I would like to do is pitch all of the boxes into a large pit and have the tractor bury them.
ReplyDeleteI used to enjoy decorating, although I have never enjoyed cooking and baking.
One thought that may help you through this. In about two more years, the grandkid will be loving every bit of Christmas, absolutely uncritically. Anything you do will enchant him. Hang in there.
Mary G--I think so many of us are Just Plain Worn Out from doing all of it for all these years. Christmas is a Job and not a Joy in many ways. Next year, I'm getting a helluva lot more help, let me tell you.
DeleteAnd yes, Theo will be the rekindling of my Christmas Joy very soon. I cannot wait! You hang in there, too. XO
This year, I am doing very little for Christmas. i did get some gifts for a few loved ones, and sent a few cards, but we're barely decorating or celebrating, and that's FINE. My mother's health issues the last half of this year, coupled with my brother visiting for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, has led to us agreeing that rest and low-key is just fine. The idea of doing even half-assed more makes me tired. More tired. It's okay, the world won't end if the ornaments stay in the garage this year.
ReplyDeleteccr--Good for you. I applaud your Restful, Minimalist Christmas. It sounds heavenly to me. We all need to remember the lesson of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas--Nothing stops Christmas from coming; it comes just the same. So leave your ornaments in storage and and resist the urge to get frantic--rest and enjoy your holiday.
DeleteI'm not in a fragile place right now, thankfully, and I sympathize with your Mom duty this week, all the endless frantic Christmas shopping, and Men Who Don't Do Jack to Help except for maybe clearing the table... —after which they collapse in an armchair, because, boy, that was strenuous work. Mr. O. and I are going to have a very quiet Christmas. We have no family any more that lives in town/is still alive except for my niece who goes to her dad's or her MIL's for the holidays. My brother and sister-in-law, nieces + their children all live in the Houston area. My SIL always organizes a huge family gathering with all the kids and grandchildren (hers + Tim’s) which fills their humongous house to the brim.
ReplyDeleteSo… Christmas at Casa Ortiz will be sort of a repeat of Thanksgiving. I'm splurging again on lobster tails and preparing a few very simple sides with a bottle of one of my favourite wines (Campo Viejo Gran Reserva - 2015, a Christmas gift from my bestie at work.) The only gift I plan to buy is something for Mr. O., and I have no idea yet what that will be, lol. I'm still grading the last of the 90 semester exams + 90 essays, all completed with delightful invented Spanish vocabulary, so it will have to wait until next week. New Year's will be our usual lucky grapes eaten at midnight with about the same amount of fanfare. Bottom line on the holidays: compared to everyone else I know, I feel like a real slacker, even though I will be using a lot of Christmas vacay planning all the stuff for the spring semester.
I hope you can enjoy at least a few moments of relaxing downtime with family in between all the mad Christmas rush, that Jordan is recovering well, and that baby Theo is thriving. XXOO
Ortizzle--Your Christmas sounds just lovely. Lobster and wine--perfect.
DeleteBut then you mentioned grading 180 papers, and I cringed. What a terrible thing to have hanging over your head, not to mention the terrible bastardization of Spanish that you are going to encounter within same. No bueno.
Jordan is doing extraordinarily well, and Theo is, too. Jared simply beams over them both like a smiling sun. We will celebrate family Christmas on Christmas Eve, allowing them to have a quiet Christmas at home, just the three of them, and then they are hosting her parents for the next week.
P.S. (Like my previous comment isn't already too long, lol.) I forgot to comment on the whole concept of Christmas, and I agree that you reach an age where it's just too damn much fuss, it wears you out, and, frankly, I can remember my friends and family members starting to host Thanksgiving and Christmas in their own homes when they were in their mid-30s (or earlier) to lessen the burden for their parents because of how exhausting it is to be doing all this work just because so many folks think they must keep up appearances on every level. As many have already commented, when burn-out settles in, it's time to pare down and/or share responsibilities, a.k.a., "Bah, humbug!" to a whole lot of it or, as you suggested: if you want more frills, chip in with the work! I also agree with other readers that little children contribute to the magical enjoyment of Christmas, and you surely have that to look forward to. Every year I re-read the timeless response of the very wise Francis P. Church. Yes, there *is* a Santa Claus and he makes glad the heart of childhood ... and also of many an adult who can share it with a child.
ReplyDeleteOrtizzle--Yes, yes. I used to host the entire family and lots of friends on Christmas Eve, taking the mantle from my mother. After a serious illness forced me to give it up, I decided to never do it again, and my niece does it now, but it has turned into family only and a much simpler affair. How smart!
DeleteStill waiting for my Heart To Gladden this year at Christmas. I have a feeling that once my shopping is done, it will feel a bit happier.
Hope Jordan is doing better! Any trip to the hospital is anxiety producing for everyone. I'm with you on the Christmas decorations. I despise those blowup things so much; there must be a hidden meaning to it for me other than I think they're tacky....My kids will both be here again this year, so I count my blessings. I know that won't always be the case. I'm sure they'll be a time they'll spend it w/their partners' families--and that will be fine too. It's just the three of us; my brothers and cousins are scattered about, my parents now both gone. I think if I let it, the season would make me sad, so I try very hard not to. We don't really do gifts anymore (my "kids" are 27 and 32). I like to go places; that is our gift to each other. We'll make a day trip to Lakewood to hit up the vegan restaurants and shops; another day to the West Side Market and the Arcade. Maybe not traditional for others, but for us it will be lovely. And hugs for taking care of your mom. I know how hard that can be, in so many different ways. ♥
ReplyDeleteElle--Jordan is doing much better, thank you. She is a marvel.
DeleteHow satisfying to have your adult children to spend Christmas with! I'm still so happy that the boys (35 and 38) want to be Home For Christmas in some capacity. They both do a nice job with balancing time, and we always remove any sense of obligation on our end. I never want to be a source of Stress or Obligation for them.
Your Gifts Of Time And Experiences sound perfect. What could be better? I know that I always look forward to hanging out with Jared and Sam whenever we can, and those times together are truly a gift.
And thanks for those hugs. I need them, even in recovery mode.
It can all be so much. I remember Veronica writing a post years ago about how "the women deliver the holidays." I remember having a sort of epiphany. The patriarchy works because of how much is ingrained in us. Things we don't even think about. Things we just do automatically.
ReplyDeleteVeronica had actually shared that wisdom with her children. I couldn't help but note that her son (married with three young children) hosts and does all the work for their family Christmas brunch. I'm sure he does much more than that as well. I think he and his wife have a pretty equal partnership. Anyway, there's so much to be done in this area as most of us know too well and it starts with seeing it and acknowledging it.
I love you and others commenting here that you don't want to force any expectations on your children. I feel the same but we sure dealt with those expectations during our marriage. One year we rebelled at Thanksgiving and went on vacation. Our Thanksgiving meal was hot dogs at the Nashville Zoo. Perfect.
I'm so glad that Jordan is okay and not surprised at all that Jared was right there with her every step of the way. Any hospitalization is beyond stressful but exponentially so after having a baby and during the holiday season.
I just read an article about how the Danish people deal with stress during the holidays. Basically, they have several methods to stop themselves from going overboard but it all comes under the umbrella of "overskud," which means excess. They recognize it and reject it, even saying the word to say no to invitations that would put them over the edge. Love that!
Merry Christmas, Nance! I hope it's a great and peaceful one for you and yours.
Love,
Shirley
Shirley--Dearest friend, thank you for taking time and energy to comment here. It's good to see you.
DeleteVeronica's is a voice we miss in the blogosphere. I wish she were still writing online and sharing her thoughts.
It's true that ours is the last generation to fulfill the more traditional gender roles, and I'm heartily glad of it. Both my sons have much more equality in their relationships, and I'm also proud to say that I prepared them well for that, teaching them how to do laundry, keep things clean and tidy, cook, etc. from a young age. It's so important to break cycles for the future.
Love the cultural philosophy of the Danes and overskud. It should absolutely be socially acceptable to say no and give no excuse, first of all, and when pressed, to simply say that it would be too much.
Thank you for your kind mention of Jared and Jordan and their wellbeing. I owe you a photo and will send it via our email correspondence soon. I wish you good health and happiness this Christmas. I wish I could be with you. ❤️
Just to say I'm thinking of you and am hoping things are going well in your world. <3
ReplyDeletemaya--Thank you so much. Things are improving. Shopping is almost done, plans are firming up for Christmas, my time is my own once again, and today is a day of rest. XO
DeleteLovely!
DeleteNance, I am with you on many of these points, but really, the huge used condoms are silly. My next door neighbor has some and I love them at night but do wish they were more festive during the daytime.
ReplyDeleteHow I got my Christmas shopping done is that I told everyone that I did not want anyTHING, I just want to spend time with them doing something. So I would like to go to dinner, or have a weekend away, or they can come over and make me dinner or help me clean my house. THAT would be a gift. And I am going to do the same for them, all year round. I do not want to be part of the materialism of Christmas PLUS I have been doing a huge purge this year; please do not give me anymore stuff that I am going to just have to dig through in five years to decide whether or not it should be donated. Woof.
Kyria--I just had that same conversation with both of my sons this week. We said that maybe, if Christmas made us this stressed out, we were just doing it wrong for us at this stage in our lives. We agreed that perhaps in future, we'd all rather do something together, like go to dinner or go to a concert or play, and call that Our Christmas Gift For One Another.
DeleteLike you, I've been going through my home and getting rid of things, streamlining my decor and existence. That's not a job I want to add more to, nor is Christmas. It's not that we're getting Grinchy; we're just in an entirely different place in our lives at this point. And we're okay with that.
I agree; we are not getting Grinchy. We just prioritize our time differently! Have a happy New Year!
DeleteEvery year I say I'm going to be CHILL and relaxed about it all and every year, that does not happen. This year, I was so involved in setting up a small home, that Christmas took a back seat until a few days prior. I did have a few decent 'nice gifts' for my children and everything else was just thrown together, but surprisingly, this worked. WHO KNEW? No TREE? Check! No FUSS? Check!
ReplyDeleteI DO hope that Jordan is well. Motherhood is a challenge and giving birth isn't always an easy task to accomplish and heal from. Sending up good mojo and positive thoughts in her direction. XO
Suz--I applaud you for your No Fuss Christmas, and I fervently want the same for myself next year. Will it happen? WHO KNOWS?
DeleteThank you kindly for your concerns and wishes for our dear Jordan. She is well, thank heavens, and continues to do marvellously. XO