I absolutely get that.
Every so often, I used to get a restless fussiness about my hair, usually in the late spring, and I'd decide to Try Something New And Short(er). This almost always resulted in either A) Disaster or B) Immediate Regret the next morning when I'd try to style it myself and my hair would refuse to cooperate. I'd call my stylist and book a recut, or more often, I'd sit in front of the bathroom mirror with Rick at my side and point to wayward hunks of recalcitrant hair while he used his barber scissors and tried to Do Something. These unhappy incidents are all duly recorded here in my archives someplace, of course.
I've been at war with my hair for more than fifty years. Ever since my mother first decided that I would have long, long hair that she would braid every morning, my hair has been almost a separate entity. I wanted to wear it long and loose; that was not an option. And like most people with straight, straight hair, I longed for naturally curly hair. I remember watching The Wizard of Oz with particular longing: Judy Garland had dark hair like mine, and she wore it in the most beautiful curls. That (and those red ruby slippers) nearly killed me with envy.
Remember the book Little Women by Louisa May Alcott? In it, the sister Jo has her hair cut off short and boyishly in order to sell it for twenty-five dollars. She wants to raise money so that her mother can bring their father from the war and nurse him at home. When Jo reveals her shorn head, one of them cries out, "Oh, Jo! How could you? Your one beauty." I read that book when I was about eight years old, and that quote stuck with me. Your hair is part of your beauty and your femininity. And it's not like history and the media didn't agree.
"Nance," Rick will say, after I've gone on a tirade about my dissatisfaction with my hair, "I think your hair looks nice." And because I have been working on Accepting Compliments Graciously Without Negating Them, I try to simply thank him. Without sighing and rolling my eyes and saying something like, "Oh, Rick. What the hell do you know? Don't you see how flat it looks? Do you know how much time I spent with the round brush, and it looks like all I did was roll out of bed after sleeping for fifteen hours on this one side of my head?"
It's not easy.
Why can't our culture be one in which women shave their heads and write clever slogans or cute drawings on them in Sharpie markers? Or have haircuts like men, who mostly walk into some place and don't really care all that much because It Will Grow Out In Two Weeks And Look The Same Anyway?
My eldest granddaughter is 19. She dyes her hair all different colours, sometimes several at once. My son Sam's girlfriend walked into her stylist and said, "I'm sick of messing with my hair all the time and trying to make it something it's not. Give me something short and trendy that suits my hair." And he did and it's awesome. My son Jared's girlfriend has wonderful wild curly hair that descends in spirals and makes me want a crazy perm.
But I know better. I'm currently on #2 of my 3 Usual Hairstyles. And I'm actually having a Good Hair Day.
That's today, however; tomorrow could (and probably will be) an entirely different story. Talk to me of all things Hair in Comments.
Oh man, as you know I am all about trying to change my hair. But you are absolutely correct that there are only a handful of styles that I cycle through (since the Days of the Perm are behind me). I try super short & decide that I look like a (not very attractive) man, I do The Bob, and I do the sort of longish layered look that I try to curl somewhat. I really wish I looked good in a pixie - it was by far the easiest cut to deal with. Sigh. Oh - and we haven't even talked about the whole bang conundrum!
ReplyDeleteBug--I hear you. I've tortured myself with the Bangs Conundrum off and on for the past few years, but I cannot handle it. I don't have the patience for Growing Out, and because I wear glasses now instead of contacts, I hate the hair in my face and getting stuck in the hinges of my frames. I also have a widow's peak which creates a cowlick when my bangs get a certain length. Sigh. Hair.
DeleteWhen I was a kid my mother tortured me with setting my hair in pin curls every night! After that I fought my whole life to have a hairstyle that covered my high forehead, it never worked. I finally gave up in my 40s. The only way my hair wants to be is long and one length. Plus, hairstyles don't work in Florida unless your hairstyle is how your hair wants to be. Step out into the humidity and 5 minutes later it looks like you rolled out of bed and never touched it. The nice thing, I just need a trim two or three times a year and can do that myself. Oh and I can definitely see you being envious of those ruby slippers!
ReplyDeleteMartha--Your mother must have had a real vision for your hair and your look to put you in pin curls. You in pin curls and me in braids--we suffered for their Art.
DeleteLike you, I've definitely stopped working against my hair--finally! And fussing with it overmuch. It's rarely worth it. I can imagine that the humidity in Florida can make you realistic about your hair pretty quickly.
I still have a huge fetish for red shoes in general, thanks to The Wizard of Oz and a very sedate parade of childhood footwear. And red is my favourite colour. I was an impressionable child, apparently.
I have fought with my hair my entire life (wavy and wild - back in the day when "products" didn't exist). How I wished I had different hair. Then I discovered that the older I got - the curlier/wavier my hair got. Did I lean into that now that I had "products"? No, instead I continued to wage war with it trying to get the super straight hair that every one else (seemed to) had. About four or five years ago, I just gave up. I don't have the time to fight with my hair every single moment. I still have "good" and "bad" hair days but not having to spend 45 minutes wrestling with it every morning is a blessing. Sure, sometimes I look at my straightener tucked away in the bathroom cabinet but Sam's girlfriend has the right idea - you can't make your hair into something that it's not.
ReplyDeleteGigi--Sigh. How much time you and I have wasted in our wrestling matches with our hair! It's regrettable, isn't it? At least you've found the wisdom now to just say The Hell With It. You and I have taken a lot longer than Emily, Sam's girlfriend, but we've discovered it nonetheless.
DeleteRejoice in your curly and wavy hair, and know that I would likely trade hair with you in a heartbeat.
Growing up, Hair was definitely a Thing between me and my sister. She had naturally curly/wavy hair and hated it. I always envied her because she could wash it, let it air dry, and it looked like she walked out of a salon. She also looked like Jackie Freakin’ Kennedy and got exactly 2 zits during her entire adolescence. Me: straight hair, zero sense of what to do with it, and… well, glasses (before they were cool), never-ending zits, and braces till I was 18. When I was 13 and the family moved to New Orleans, my mother decided that she would do something about my inability to manage my hair since we were moving to a humid climate and that would only worsen the problem. She took me to an Old Lady ‘Beauty Parlor’ and told them to cut and perm my hair. It looked exactly like my grandmother’s hair. Nice when you are starting your teen years.
ReplyDeleteI had very long hair in college and for about a decade after. Since then, it has been various lengths, but mostly between chin and shoulder length. Several months after COVID set in and going to the hairdresser was not an option, I decided that half grey and half dingy brown was too much. I got some professional hair cutting scissors from Amazon, bought my old tried and true hair dye, watched several ‘cut-it-yourself’ vids on YouTube and… did it myself. Since I knew the cut would be horribly uneven, I set it on old-fashioned electric rollers. Looked pretty good, all things considered. Last week I finally ventured out to the hairdresser for the first time in over a year. The grey had really grown out again (it’s about 90% grey, so when the roots grow out…). I walked into the salon looking like Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. I just sat back and let them attack the damage of several more months of doing nothing with it. Luis did not recognize me when I came home. I was pretty chuffed with it, too, and took some selfies so I could use them to update my profile pics, lol. (The one you can see now, actually.)
I have rarely ever had my hair really short. That horrid perm experience, you know. Oh, and that was actually the second time my mother ruined my life with a perm. In kindergarten, she chopped most of my locks off, gave me a Tony perm and set it on spoolies. It wasn’t dry before bedtime, so she made me keep the spoolies in overnight. The next day at school I hid in the coat closet for half an hour because I looked like Buckwheat from The Little Rascals, and that was long before afros were popular. *sigh* I think I might have short hair at some point in the future, and likely it will be when I decide to stop dying it and let the grey hang out. It will definitely have to be something very, very stylish. Not too pixie and definitely not punky.
Ortizzle--I remember the Toni home perms. I can still smell them! You poor thing--still traumatized, I can tell. Our mothers really liked experimenting on our heads.
DeleteOne of my Toni home perms was when I had really long hair and was in college. Can you imagine? It was 1979, and in the winter when I unwrapped myself from trekking across campus in snowstorms, the static made my hair stand way out and crackle.
Bravo for you cutting your own hair via YouTube. I know that many, many people did that, but I was not one of them. I resorted a few times to my set of hot rollers, too. Your photo looks adorable.
Even when I'm fully grey (like my dad, I'm a very slow greyer; I'm still largely not grey), I don't see myself with short hair. I like my longer hair and don't see any reason to drastically change. Maybe you won't either.
In discussing hair, my first thought went to a video I saw recently. https://youtu.be/R_AtsKUAbVE It is quite a moment. I have hair that is too curly to wear straight and too straight to wear curly, so it needs intervention every day to look it’s best. I have also discovered the dismay of having gray hair. I don’t mind the color, but the texture is something else! It just wants to frizz and won’t hold the curl.
ReplyDeleteDitBotF--Love that video.
DeleteI like the idea that our hair needs Intervention in order to look its best. My hair used to be extraordinarily thick, but various medications, illnesses, and now aging have taken their toll and it is thin(ning). I can remember my hair bursting hair ties. Now, a ponytail is a pathetic little thing.
My hair began to grey about 11 years ago, oddly enough, when I retired. The grey is coarser and wayward. I'm not really dismayed, more fascinated. But isn't it a blatant sign of getting older? Sigh.
I had Shirley Temple ringlets---naturally---all through childhood but that didn't stop my mom from trying to braid it at one point. In high school, I looked like I had an Afro when everyone else had smooth, helmet hair page boys. I my early twenties I got a very short haircut and wore it that way until the pandemic. Now it's six inches long on top and I'm learning how to mess with my hair for the first time in my life. Why do we always want what we don't have? I would have gladly traded hair with you. I get a lot of compliments on my hair style now and that's a new thing for me. It's still wavy and does all kinds of interesting things but I stand the wind when it mixes my hair all up. Never had that in my entire life!
ReplyDeleteJean--Another mom who wanted to express her artistic vision through her daughter's hair! These moms...!
DeleteWelcome to Long Hair World, where wind is your enemy. Unless you can pull it back in an elastic (I can't; instant migraine), your hair is destined to flap all over your face, in your eyes, in your mouth, into your food and drink, and become a snarly mess when you try and comb it out after a bout of wind. So annoying.
We always want what we don't/can't have. It's human nature to assume that what someone else has or does is better than our lot in life. The old Grass Is Always Greener thing.
Oh so many things here rang true. Im growng OUT my home cut pixie during COVID. Its been well over a year since someone who knewhow to cut hair, cut mine. I have an appt for the 17th and even if she just colors it while it grows out, thats going to be an improvement. I am usually happiest with a bob of some sort. My new rule: it must be at least long enough to TUCK behind my ears. oh hair.
ReplyDeletekathy b--Women and Hair is a sort of Universal Angst. Its roots go deeply into history and the very essence of femininity. Once again, we women are burdened with a symbol that men are not.
DeleteI like your pixie cut, but you have to be happy with yourself. I hope your stylist makes you feel wonderful.
All of this! so True!!! I go from long to short in a heartbeat and then regret it. Sometimes it takes a week or so...but... Right now I have pandemic hair. It is longer than it has ever been...like just about to my waist. and it is a PITA. A bitch to wash and then comb out. I end up wearing it in a ponytail 99% of the time. So, I have decided I am going to find a salon and get it CUT. Major CUT. I'm thinking a bob. Maybe shoulder length...maybe shorter...time will tell.
ReplyDeleteVera--Right!? I remember seeing your photos from Colin's wedding and thinking, "WOW! Vera has some LONG hair!" Mine hasn't been that long since college.
DeleteI can't do all one length anymore. I need that fullness around the face, so I get a lot of layers cut in, like a modified shag. For me, it makes a difference. I can't wait to see what you end up with. It will most definitely be a MAJOR CUT.
I have never been very happy with my hair until now! Since I am retired and single and gray-haired, I gave myself a Covid haircut. Buzzed it off so it was 1 inch all over! I was shocked at first but got used to it. Now I have a 2 inch attachment so I can just buzz it to 2 inches and I buzz it shorter on the neck and around the ears and it is perfect for me. Easy to care for and I like that it costs me nothing to shorten it when it starts to make my neck itchy. Buzz and I am done.
ReplyDeleteMake yourself happy and wear your hair the way you want.
Ellen--Good for you! Reminds me of George Clooney, who cuts his own hair with a Flowbee.
DeleteI bet you look light and joyful and terrific.
When I was a little kid, my mother - who had thick, wavy hair - used to give me home permanents, which I HATED. I would look like a poodle for a week before it would all just go straight again. Then in 8th grade, my sister gave me a cut just like Twiggy's. Which would have been fine say, today, but back then NO - no one in eighth grade wants to have what was considered then an avant-garde style.
ReplyDeleteI have worn my hair short ever since I realized in my 20s that it will never look long and lustrous and wavy. Because it is thin, fine, and straight. Right now, because I don't have the nerve to just shave it off for the summer, I have a "fade" - kinda shaved on the sides and in the back, and longer on top. I'm too lazy to fool with my hair, so short hair works better for me. But I do love using hair chalk on occasion to add some crayola colors to it. :-)
Bridget--Another victim of the home perm! Our mothers were intrepid, I'll give them that.
DeleteI am incredibly envious of people who can wear short, short hair and look gamine and confident in it. And adding bright colours--yes! I'm always excited about people doing things with their hair mainly because I'm not daring enough to do it myself.
After almost a full year without a proper haircut I have hippy dippy frizzy curly hair. It's the Carole King on Tapestry kind of look my mother lived in fear that I'd do when I was a teenager. In truth I'm enjoying it and hope to add some sort of purple streak to it soon. THEN in August, or there about, I'm going to go back to my curly stacked bob which is much more professional looking. But until then I'm a rebel child! ✌🏻
ReplyDeleteAlly Bean--I love hippy dippy. I keep threatening to get a perm of some kind to have hippy dippy. I just want zero goofing around, wash, condition, air dry hair. (Don't we all?)
DeleteGET THE STREAK. I have very dark hair, so I don't think I can add a colour streak easily. But I can dream.
I like the Rebel In You. Right On!
Dee--Ugh. I hear you. I have one from my widow's peak. As soon as my bangs get longish, the cowlick kicks a crooked part right into them. I have another one near the crown of my head that defies my best efforts.
ReplyDeleteThe word even looks dumb and ugly, and that's saying a lot for me. I love cows!
Your comments are almost as much fun as the post. Hot topic. Covid hair, among other strangeness caused by this social experiment.
ReplyDeleteMy hair is fine, thin and has been white since I was in my thirties. The only thing to do is keep it short and, one hopes, neat. So, where to get a hair cut in lockdown? Not happening. My best friend has grown hers to ponytail length. Mine is just sad - like a dandelion puff after it rains.
Both my daughters have wonderful thick shiny hair. Thank goodness for my husband's gene contribution to them. Except the YD's hair went white early and I doubt that she will ever forgive me.
Mary--Ohio has lifted all COVID restrictions completely as of 2 June. It's ridiculous; only 39% of the state's population is fully vaccinated, but we have a republican government and they are idiots. Still, I cannot imagine being in lockdown at this late date. I'm sorry Ontario is in such dire straits.
DeleteI'm glad that your daughters have, thus far, lovely thick hair. I hope it stays that way for them. Perhaps your YD will capitalize on her light hair by blonding easily or even streaking with fun highlights. It's a pristine palette for such things.
I, too, appreciate my Commenters so much. We have such rich discussions here.
Ontario isn't. Toronto and vicinity is. And the provincial gov't is Torontocentric. (I do not CARE that that isn't a word. Take that, Google.) Sad that your wine country is too close to the centre to get let off - we have really low numbers up here in Eastern Ontario. Maybe you could sneak onto Peelee Island by boat - they have pretty dern good wine. Ah well.
DeleteYou have the best commenters anywhere. Even if you have to count me.
Mary--My wine cellar is a sad, sad thing right now. We've found very few domestic wines or other imports that we care for much. None that we're willing to stock up on. We are hopeful for fall now. Daring to dream and whatnot.
DeleteI can't imagine this place without you, dear. Don't make me try.
Fine, straight hair cut in a chin-length bob that doesn't need a full styling each day. And speaking of full, it's fully "chromed". I've given up coloring during the pandemic when I wasn't able to go to the hair salon for >3 months. As to the need for a full styling each day or not - I tuck my hair into a ball cap or wear a buff when gardening and sweating and then my hair looks "like a calf has been licking it" as my friend says!!
ReplyDeleteMona--I like that expression, chromed. Presently, I have very little chrome, just a few accents here and there and some threads.
DeleteI wish more women would embrace their grey. Easy for me to say, I know; I'm a gradual greyer.
Wearing caps/hats is a great benefit, and one I wish I could take advantage of. As a migraine sufferer, I cannot stand any pressure on my head or temples. I cannot even wear a loose ponytail or bun. I can, however, then avoid Hat Head, or the Calf-Licked Look. LOL.
I can't wait until the 17th now. I need it fixed. Right now I've asked the stylist to call me with any cancellations. I asked if she could refer me to someone else. No one is available. Apparently those of us who have COvid hair are not as scary as we seem!
ReplyDeletekathy--Oh, I've been there! Once I get to that spot of Needing That Haircut, I am terribly impatient. Just you wait: the next issue that arises will be that the day before your appointment, your hair will suddenly be perfect and adorable. Then you'll be second-guessing yourself. That happens to me all the time.
DeleteI heartily hope it does NOT happen to you! But try to be patient. Your day will come!
I’m with Rick, you have lovely hair, as someone who had the pleasure to spend an afternoon looking at it. At the same time, I do understand being frustrated with ones hair and wishing it were different. My hair is thick and fine, meaning I have a lot of it, but it is very straight and limp. Trying to get body in it generally takes product and a hair dryer and a round brush, and most importantly, hair spray. And within half an hour you wouldn’t know. Sigh. I had a coworker with the most beautiful curly hair, and I just assumed she had to work for it. It’s her natural hair, and she despairs of it, wants shiny straight hair. We always want what we do not have. I asked my hairdresser about getting a long hair perm once, and he said I had to choose, color or curl. I can’t bleach my hair AND have a perm. Bummer.
ReplyDeleteJ--Thank you for the compliment.
DeleteWe do always want what we don't have. Curly girls want straight hair, almost without exception, and the reverse is almost universally true. I used to long for a sleek pageboy with the ends slightly curled under. My hair now does that naturally, but I am annoyed. I want it to be choppy and straight with its layers apparent, not curling under meekly. It's ridiculous.
Isn't it disappointing to see how great your hair looks right after you put the effort and time in, only to watch it Assume Its Position once you start living your life? It's like we should all wear 4x6 photo ID badges with great hair day snaps so that people can see what we CAN look like.
And yes, there's only so many processes we can put our hair through and still have it. I'm still toying with the idea of a long hair perm, maybe over the fall/winter. We'll see. It's likely I'll do absolutely nothing of the sort. Not one of the Big Three, you know.
I've had long hair at one time in my life where I could sit on it. It took hours to brush it out and most often French braid. Sometimes I'd roll it and use a banana comb to hold it against the back of my head ...I spent a fortune on Combs (still have most somewhere). Then one day I got fed up with the ritual & had it cut short...neck line. The next time, I had a boy cut & never looked back. It's so easy now. Wash, towel dry & style with my fingers. I'm free!!!
ReplyDeleteAnni--I hear of so many women of A Certain Age who go to the short short cut and are so glad to be rid of the Hair Thing. It's very liberating; it has to be. Perhaps that will be in my future as well.
DeleteHair. It's a never ending saga for most of us, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI've never been able to have long hair because it's always been fine, but now, thank you age and hormones it's fine and thin. You are right about the 3 style cycles. As much as I try to do something different, it seems to look about the same every.damn.time.
This is a timely post as my hairstylist is pregnant (again, and never asked me about timing!) and her due date is not working in favor of Lolo's wedding date. So, I'm on a hunt for someone else now in case it doesn't work out and I can tray again before the big day; I've made and canceled 3 appointments this week. I'm nervous to say the least! Our hair is a big deal; it can make your day, or break your day.
BB Suz--You bring up another facet of the Hair Issue, and that is finding a stylist who we can rely on and trust. That your stylist is selfishly adding to her family at a critical time for you shows that she is not prioritizing your needs. Time to find someone new. Who knows how long she'll be out caring for the new baby, let alone how skittish and inconsistent she'll be once she comes back to work with hormones all amok.
DeleteI stuck with the same stylist for years and years, and she started taking advantage of our relationship. First, it was answering the business phone. Then, it was taking calls or texts on her cell. Then, I noticed that she was sort of half-assing my haircuts and not really listening to what I wanted. She was just giving me the same basic haircut rather than changing the few things I asked her to. Finally, I stopped going to her altogether.
You're right. Our hair is a big deal and can dictate our mood from day to day. Good luck with your search.
I had Shirley Temple natural curls Mom brushed around her finger when I was little. She may have wrapped them in cloth somehow for when I slept, but I don't remember. Then, when our lifestyle changed and she had less time for my hair I had french braids for more years than I care to remember. Next my hair was cut short, but probably not properly, so I lacked my natural waves and curls. Consequently, I recall having home permanents a few years through high school. Eventually, I received a better short cut, so some waves were present and my hair stayed short for years.
ReplyDeleteOnce I began working I had some really good haircuts and beauticians who catered to my natural waves, for a slightly longer but still short hair style. I wed, in a few years we moved, I stopped working, then had children, and let my hair grow for a number of years. I just pulled it back. My thick hair ceased to be oily as it once had been -- due to change in climate with moving, hormones, aging, who knows. Then I had it cut to be short again as I returned to Univ., subsequently began work.
For years, the new gal who did my hair weekly had me convinced that with aging I had lost any natural curls and waves. Not wanting to mess with my hair more than necessary I just said fine, whatever, and she kept it looking good short given all her machinations with every hair, curling iron, brush and blow dryer. Many years later some sort of discussion with other hair dressers in the shop came up and she cut my hair in a different way one day (layered). Lo and behold -- I had waves and curls again. I knew immediately that I should have paid more attention to how she had been cutting it all those years 'cause I knew better and she hadn't been cutting it right, but I had too much other on my mind then and just appreciated the time in the shop when I could tune out while getting my hair done. My gal had to quit, had COPD and has since died though she was much younger than me.
Meanwhile another gal, older than me, took over, all geared to nurturing my natural waves and curls in my short style just as I retired and decided to let my now thinning hair grow long. I intended to cut it short again, but now I don't want to because the only remnants of my once red hair are six naturally curled darkened inches at the end of my hair. I've pulled the rest of my mostly white strands back with some waves evident. The pandemic with my beauty shop closing, then my now 90+years old hairdresser retiring has reinforced my deciding to continue allowing my hair to grow long a while longer. I think I've always looked best with short hair but I'm enjoying seeing what my hair does -- at least for now.
Joared--A good stylist makes all the difference, as you found out. We hang on like Grim Death to the ones we find who can really listen and cut our hair to its best advantage. I drive for 40 minutes to mine!
DeleteI can only imagine how tough it must be to let those last red strands go. Even if you got them cut and saved them, they'd fade eventually. Like you, I'm enjoying the journey of my aging hair. Right now, it's greying attractively, and I've never had plans to colour it. I'm all about embracing its natural process.