Saturday, July 05, 2008

Barack, Boozing, Guilt, And Cruising...Good Lord, Strap Yourselves Down

Put on your seatbelt, and consider taking me up on the offer of that helmet. It's time for a ride on the Bullet Train Through Nance's Brain. There's no set route, and stops are random and frequent. Here we go:

  • Hey, Barack! Stop wearing The Flag Pin. What is Up With That Lately? One of the big reasons I respected you so much early on was how you calmly dug in and politely told all the zealots to go pound salt about it. About how wearing a flag pin didn't make you a True Patriot. Now you're wearing the hell out of it and, quite frankly, doing some pandering to the moderates and Reagan Democrats, whatever those really are. I have to tell you, I liked you better before. Let's remember the Primary Campaign Barack and get back to Him. And fast. Oh, and those of you who are all about The Flag Pin and The Yellow Ribbon Magnets and The Car Window Flags and all that other Fake Patriot Bullshit? How about you do some real Patriot-ing and do what I do? Donate to the USO. Put your money where your mouth is.

  • Speaking of patriotism, can we please call Fourth of July "Independence Day"? It sounds much more dignified and really speaks to what we are celebrating. I don't call my birthday "Third of May." We don't call Christmas "Twenty-fifth of December" and we don't call Thanksgiving "Third Thursday of November." Besides, to be historically accurate, what exactly happened on July 4, 1776? Look it up; you'll be surprised, I think.

Now I'm getting cranky, aren't I? I promise to stop being so snarky for the rest.

  • Today, I said, "I really need to get the backs of my legs tan. The fronts look fine, but the backs are pretty pale." I was immediately struck by how terrible that sounded. In what shallow, pathetic universe is that even a permissible goal to have? At this very moment, people are saying things like, "I need to take my mother to chemotherapy" or "I need to work on the cure for AIDS" or "I really need to find a job" or "I've got to find a good tutor for my autistic son" and I am saying "I need to work on my tan." I am disgusted by my hideous, skewed summertime priorities. But really, the back of my legs are pretty white and I am going to be wearing sundresses on vacation next weekend. And I will not be fake-baking, so it's not like I'm paying money for the tanning. Do you hear me just now? I am actually justifying my depravity! I'm so sorry.

  • Last night for dinner we (Jared, Rick, and I) had: 5 bottles of wine and some shrimp cocktail. It was a holiday. Don't judge. It's entirely possible that we had something else and I just don't remember. Small triumph--no one had a hangover.

  • It has been about 3 weeks since a shoe purchase. I am very proud of myself and I do think this proves that I have considerable fiscal responsibility, maturity, and restraint.

  • (Yes, I do see the irony of those last two adjectives after the previous bulleted item.)

  • I am getting A Haircut on 8 July. Naturally, in preparation for this event, my hair has looked Fantastic for an entire week now. Previous to this, my hair has been hideous and Uncooperative In The Extreme. I am a teensy bit bored with my hair, though, and I am fighting this feeling with all my might since the last time this happened, this happened. Followed immediately by this. "Just get a trim," I am repeating to myself, mantra-like.

  • Speaking of hair, I don't get convertibles. One went zipping by us on the highway the other day. In it were two teenaged girls with long blond hair whipping in the wind. It was about 85 degrees outside, sun blazing, they were going about 70 mph, and I was stymied by the whole thing. I mean, I absolutely cannot stand wind: when I am in the car on the highway and Rick has his window down and I have mine even a tiny bit down, not only is the wind annoying, but the noise! The radio--forget about it. You cannot hear it unless it is turned up to eleventy thousand decibels and then it's impossible to enjoy. And those girls' hair had to be lashing their faces and getting in behind their sunglasses, whipping them in the is that pleasant? And the heat! Coming up off that asphalt...oh, and let's not forget the road detritus flinging up off the pavement! And bugs! And then, when they arrive at their destination--the aftermath of the ride on their appearance! Yikes. How is it all worth it? Wasn't putting a roof on the car an improvement? A technological advancement? Hmmmm....

Hope the ride-along in my brain wasn't too awfully bumpy. I warned you. And you did have the option of putting on the helmet.


  1. V-Grrrl8:21 PM

    Go ahead and worry about your tan. You've earned the right to occupy yourself with something more important than Brian Williams' ties.

    And I say go for the new haircut. It's summer, you don't have to face your students, and you have an excuse to wear charming straw hats if it doesn't turn out as you'd hoped. Be brave, be bold, go for it.

  2. I don't think that you should feel badly for worry about something as superficial as a tan. It's not like you're obsessing about it - and it's not like you're thinking someone should do a benefit concert for you.

    I think when we have good lives, we're too accustomed to feeling guilty about it.

    Go ahead - tan those legs!!

  3. That's some good restraint. I don't even have a job, and I just bought an ipod shuffle. It was only fifty bucks, but it's fifty bucks I really shouldn't be spending. It's just nice to have music to listen to while I work out :-p

  4. Isn't it weird how hair can be so cooperative right before it's about to be cut? It's like it knows. I love the idea of a convertible but when I've been in one, it felt wrong. Especially the time in a classic car, without seatbelts. With my kid in the back seat. I strapped her in a car seat for YEARS and then let her ride in that?

  5. You know, I don't think I can care what Obama wears, but I truly appreciate your rant! :-)

    I guess you make a good point considering there is only 1 additional syllable in Independence Day!

    It's a good thing the 3 of you shared the 5 bottles...I usually have a couple just to myself!

    LMAO @ the convertibles bit!!! They have never made sense to me either!!!

    P.S. Nance you have every right to be concerned about the back of your legs not being tan!

  6. tera--you are very supportive. especially appreciated is your not being at all fazed by the quantity of wine consumed. i will say, however, that i drank far less than rick and jared.

    simplypink--i know! (re: carseats) how did any of us survive our own childhoods sans seatbelts, constant helmeting, etc.? i never even rode in a car in a carseat, nor did any of my sibs!

    ~mikey~ -- what is this "working out" that you speak of? LOL. perhaps you can find something that someone will pay you for...use that creative noggin.

    potu--big admission: yesterday was leg-tanning day! i felt a little okay about it since it was a long holiday weekend. LOL.

    v-grrrl--i am so fearful and still burned from the last misadventure. we'll see. you know how vain i am; if i don't feel attractive, my life is down the tubes.

  7. Anything related to improving one's personal appearance is always justified: new shoes, hair cut, tanning legs, etc.

    Convertibles were not invented for women with hair of any normal length, which is probably why most convertible drivers are men "of a certain age" who are often bald or nearly so.

    I am painfully curious as to what you look like, so all this talk of changing hair styles makes me even more curious to see what's behind the kitty cat with the cute sunglasses.

  8. If I don't have something good by the time I head up there, I'm going to contact all of the circus arts schools and see if there's any random gruntwork-filled jobs (that come with the benefit of free lessons).

  9. Love the brain helmet! I was daring and didn't put it on for Nancy's Wild Ride though. LOL

    I hear you on Obama. He's trying to win votes and listening to the spin doctors. I read an editorial today complaining on other things Obama is doing (or not doing in this case) to win additional votes ... or not deter them anyway.

    I like the term Independence Day, but a lot of folks know it better as the title of a Martina McBride song than what the reality is.

    If you can get tanned legs before vacation, great. If not just make sure people only see you from the front. :-) You are a clever woman. You can do it.

    Wine has a way of evaporating, you know? The evaporation rates vary mysteriously per individuals and preferences and, of course, the quality of the wine in question. And, clearly, it was an evaporation issue as no one had a hangover. :-)

    Congrats on your amazing shoe discipline. However, I see a shoe purchase coming soon--perhaps on vacation.

    The hair phenomenon is baffling. I experienced the same thing right before I decided to get my hair cut in prep for my nephew's wedding this weekend. I had an appt scheduled for exactly 2 weeks before and was ill on the day. My hair was looking wonderful, but I knew it would not be by this weekend. So I did the unthinkable. I walked into a Hair Cuttery and offered myself up to the hair gods. Immediately afterwards, I was very sorry. Mercifully, just today I am starting to look pretty good again. Good luck!

    I'm not a convertible fan either. Surprisingly my best experiences in convertibles have been during the winter, on unseasonably warm days. I did the Greta Garbo thing though ... big sunglasses and scarves. To this day, a few of my friends call me Greta because of the experience. Definitely a nickname I never expected, but I've had this particular one for over 26 years ...

    OMG, that bunny is too cute. I want to pick him up and cuddle him now!

  10. shirley--i have never, ever ridden in a convertible. this record will stay intact. right now, am totally perseverating over The Haircut because it is 90 and humid and my hair will look crappy no matter what. (that bunny--TOO MUCH!)

    ~mikey~--if you get to pet elephants or giraffes or something, so help me, I am going to go nuts. you always get to do such incredible stuff.

    ortizzle--LOL. several of the commenters here at the Dept. have seen me and it's not that exciting, or certainly they'd be all over themselves talking about it. hee hee.

  11. You did drink far less than I did, but you participated and I contend that you had more than you think you did. What I will say though is that it was all downhill after the FIRST bottle of pinot cherry. I suspect a higher alcohol content in that particular wine. Regardless, nobody should care. If you are over 21 and have never simply drank your dinner, that means one of two things 1. You are a liar. 2. You just figured out what you are having for dinner on Saturday.


  12. The flag pin has been annoying me too. He seems to be pandering a bit.

    I have to disagree about the convertibles. They are so fun!! I held out on buying my Bug initially, because I wanted a convertible. I actually called the corporate office asking when the rumored design would be finished. It was going to take too long, so I just bought my car. Hopefully my next car will be a convertible.

  13. anali--you may disagree about convertibles all you like. (but i notice you DO NOT HAVE ONE. LOL.)

    jared--sigh. that pinot cherry drinks so easily and lovely-y.

  14. I'm sorry to say that I'm not the least bit surprised about Obama and the pin. He's a politician, and politicians pander. It's what they do. They lie, they equivocate, they shift policies and positions, all of it while telling you how different they are. I think Obama put up a pretty good show for longer than most. Cynical much? I know. Sorry. But there it is.

    My best friend in high school had a convertible, and I gotta say, until you've been one of the teens with the hair whipping in the wind, you don't get it. It's an AWESOME feeling, like nothing else. So free, so "I don't give a shit what my hair will look like when this car stops, right now, I feel GREAT". Amazing. That being said, I keep the windows closed now. Perhaps that's the difference between 17 and 42.

  15. 1.The whole flag pin thing irritates me for the simple fact that people are even talking about it. Who really cares, one way or the other? Not me.

    2.Independence Day, I never really thought about all that jazz. Thanks for getting my neurons firing.

    3. I think you're perfectly within your rights to want the back of your legs tan. You can't do good things for the world if you don't FEEL good about yourself! Hell, you could be me...imagine the looks you'd receive being a "woman of color" going to the tanning bed or laying out in the sun. But the truth is, I'm a woman of "half color" and my color fades right along with the summer sun. Sigh. Does all that qualify for your unnecessary quotation marks ;)

    4.I would love to have wine for dinner, what fun! I haven't done that in AGES!!

    5.Go shopping. The economy needs you. There really is never a good reason to NOT buy shoes.

    6.How did the hair cut go? Did you do something drastic?!?!?

    7.Convertibles are fun only if you don't have anywhere special to go. I would love to have a Jeep. Jason told me that he'd settle for a convertible if I didn't want him to get a motorcycle. I picked the bike. We all know how men are, eventually he would have gotten what he really wanted. No one is ever happy when they "settle".

    K. I'm done now.

  16. I agree with you on the convertibles!! I can't figure how it makes sense.

    Also, it's July 10th...will we be hearing about the haircut soon?

  17. jenomena--oh, no haircut news to report. just got a trim. sigh. i know, i know: i'm a wimp.

    nina--actually, your quotation mark usage was perfectly fine. i'm proud of you.

    j.@jj.--sigh. you ARE sounding cynical. it's just that Obama packaged himself as being so "not politics as usual" and i so want to continue to believe that he IS that and WILL BE THAT. WHY CAN'T HE BE THAT!?!?!


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