Thursday, July 26, 2007

Five Fashion Failures & A New Poetic Art Form--All In One Post!

Today I realized that it's been a while since I snarked around about fashion. And, it's been a while since I wrote some haiku. So, I'm going to blend the two and create an entirely new poetic art form called the Snarku.

The Snarku retains the original syllabic structure of the haiku: the first line is 5 syllables, the second line is 7 syllables, the third line is 5 syllables. But, the Snarku differs in that it is 2 stanzas, not just one. This allows the writer/crafter of the Snarku to really build up and then blow off the head of steam he or she has about the topic being expounded upon. The only other "rule" of the Snarku is that by the end of it, there should be some residual sense of snarkiness.

Okay, then. Here are my Snarku regarding Five Fashion Failures about which I can no longer remain relatively silent.

To the Wearers of Flip Flops
The least you could do
Is lift your feet when you walk.
The sound makes me nuts!

It's bad enough to
Look at your hideous feet;
Must I hear them, too?

Young Girls with Ill-Advised Tattoos
Oh my, a tattoo!
How nice that will look at your
Big job interview!

Or, just imagine
That Chinese symbol peering
From your wedding dress.

Adults Trying to Recapture Youth:
Here's a formula--
If you're not embarrassed to
Drive a minivan,

Then you are too old
To wear cartoon characters.
What are you, seven?

Questions for Wearers of Crocs
Are you gardening?
Are you braving tidal waves?

These are egregious.
Nothing justifies their wear.
Even basement floods.

Men, This Is For You. Ladies, Read It To Them.
Is there a ceiling
Above where you are RIGHT NOW?
If so, take cap off.

Wasn't that easy?
(It's best to keep it simple;
Know your audience.)

I almost feel better. Like those were sort of PSAs. You know, part of the job of The Dept. of Nance, were it an actual department of some sort of something with some sort of power, would be for me to be able to arbitrarily allow and forbid things like this. Certain things would come across my desk for my approval or disapproval, and I would pick up my big blue YES or NO stamp and that would be the end of that!
Oh, but that's for another post. In the meantime, try your hand at Snarku in comments, or, should that prove to be too goshdarn worky, weigh in with your own fashion failure observations.

Last Year at The Dept. of Nance: The Alaskan Adventure Part III
*try as I might, Blogger would not let me line up or space my Snarku correctly. I worked and worked at the HTML and regardless of how the post looked in "Preview" and in the "Edit" pane, it never looked that way upon posting. Sigh. Please cut me a break.


  1. I think I wear flip flops pretty inoffensively, unless they're new flops not broken in yet (they make that sound of hitting my heel.) However, I hate when people drag their feet!

    Also, about the tattoos...that is why I don't have one yet. I haven't been able to think of a good enough place (let alone get over the idea of pain and permanence).

    Agree about the cartoon characters and Crocs. Ugh. And the hats indoors.

    My favorite (least favorite?) fashion failure is the mini skirt-leggings-Ugg boots combo. It's awful!

  2. Anonymous5:58 PM

    Fanny packs are crimes against nature.

    Boots and capris don't work for me.

    Neither does haiku.

  3. For some reason, men in Europe seem drawn to wearing brightly colored (specifically, orange and yellow) capri pants. Silliness!

    Also, I continue to say that flip flops are okay when they're not the cheap plastic ones. The noise seems to wear out quickly enough.

    And I will never understand crocks.

  4. Anonymous9:15 AM

    Brilliant! You don't know how many times I've seen otherwise beautiful brides blemished by a dragon or butterfly across their back or arm.

  5. jenomena--no one wears flip-flops inoffensively. flip-flops show the entire foot. feet are just awful unless they are baby or toddler feet. sorry.

    v-grrrl--LOL!! you are the only person i know who refuses to count to 5 or 7. but i agree with your Fashion Don'ts. I am firmly and distinctly against capris and cropped pants, period, but it's a losing battle.

    i.h.--oh NO! the dreaded MANPRIS!! those are so heinous that let's hope they stay "over there." even the straights wear them?

    girlanddog--welcome back to the U.S. I just don't get tattoos. If one really has the urge to get some body art, do the temporary thing. It would be fun, fleeting, and certainly less expensive. One could change it with each outfit!

  6. You could make your Snarku as a .jpg file and set it next to your illustration so they line up correctly.

    I totally agree with the flip-flops, and I add to that category any shoe that makes the flap-flap sound, even if the feet are mostly enclosed. Especially at work... flap-flap-flap-flap all day long (wish I didn’t sit near the printer).

    But Crocs?... Though I personally do not own a pair, I have heard time and time again they are ultra comfortable. And safer for children to wear over the dreaded flip-flops. I give 'em a thumbs up.

    The most unpleasant fashion faux pas for me is one I witness at work (in an office)…

    You want us to know
    What I do not want to know
    When you bend over

    Now all know you wear
    Thong panties tween your butt cheeks
    Please pull up your pants

  7. Anonymous12:33 PM

    I like flip flops and capris. The trick with capris is finding the right length, so it hits the calf at the most flattering place for a person's body shape. For me, 24 inches is the magic inseam length.

    I haven't seen the brightly colored manpris in my corner of Europe, but I do find that Belgians and Germans love cargo pants more than any group I know. I like the khaki cargo manpris on the younger men.

  8. Halloween sweatshirts
    With appliquéd big pumpkins
    Make you look like one

    Christmas-themed sweaters
    Fraught with cheery candy canes
    I hope they’ll choke you

  9. Laughing at all of them!

    Unfortunately, even though I love haiku, my brain just can't get there today.

    I hate when people wear shoes that keep them from being able to walk properly. I don't wear Crocs, but I can see the reason behind the Croc rebellion.

  10. Even the straights. I think they like their clothing short, like their bathing suits. I actually went to the beach today, and we had a German guy with us in one of those things that's about half-way between a speedo and short shorts.

  11. Anonymous10:34 AM

    Love your new snarku art form!!

    Here’s my fashion pet peeve:

    Bra straps should support
    The UNSEEN, but I fear they
    Should NEVER be SEEN!

    Boring, but you get the point. You would think no one had ever heard of a strapless bra. I hate bra straps showing next to T-shirts with spaghetti straps, etc. It looks SO tacky! But apparently few people seem to care anymore, and I don't mean just teens: I see plenty of women d'un certain âge walking around looking even more dreadful because, in addition to the bra straps hanging out, they also wear skin tight tank tops over massive rolls of fat. The Pillsbury Dough Boy meets Victoria's Secret. Gaaaaah!

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    Alaskan Adventure: That has to be the ideal cruise. I don't think I would take a cruise that went to various cities because you spend most of your time on the ship and have very little time to go sight-seeing. But gazing at the gorgeous scenery would be the whole point of that cruise.

  12. jt--.jpg...yeah. i suppose. but it sounds worky. i'm not that computer-savvy. but if it's relatively easy to do, email me. there's a clickable link in my sidebar under the Tie Report and junk. and these fashion disasters are not w/regard for kids. they get a big pass on almost everything. including crocs. and NO ONE is allowed to use "comfort" as an excuse for bad fashion. that's a cop-out. rubber shoes in public when no water is involved is just wrong. come ON!
    ask your Printer Visitors if thongs are comfy. bet they say YES. (although, how on EARTH can they be?? ick.)

    v-grrrl--i remember when any "-pris" were called "pedal pushers" and "clamdiggers."

    sputnik--the big joke among high school teachers is that you can always tell elem. school teachers because they wear holiday-themed shirts and big school-themed appliqued clothing and jewelry. high school teachers are, of course, way too cool to do that.

    gina--i also do not see how some women can wear the backless shoes that barely have anything holding them onto the rest of the foot! or sandals that consist of ONE SKINNY STRAP across the toes. and the flapping sound kills me. gosh, i'm old and snarky.

    i.h.--the scenery is getting really good for you lately!!

    ortizzle--i've been dying over the "bra strap as fashion accessory" now for YEARS!! it absolutely kills me. i would rather die than have any part of my UNDERGARMENTS show. yet, now it is "de rigeur." please. it looks whorish and like one is hiring oneself out as a sort of public conveyance, if you know what I mean.

    re: alaska cruise. this is, so far, the only cruise i have been on, so i don't know what others are like. but the time 'at sea' (on the ship) is also pleasant and entertaining, as one of my posts will describe. but the scenery on this cruise was inspiring.

  13. The Snarku...are you going to be teaching that in class? You may just be able to change the world with that one!

  14. Anonymous11:18 AM

    So listen to me
    And I will tell you the truth
    Polyester blows.

    Don't wear it to shop
    Because your panties show through
    and everyone will sigh

    That Monday you wear
    undies that bear the stitching
    of Tuesdays gone by.

  15. Road Rage in my midst
    slow drivers make me so pissed
    who gave them license?

    Blinkers are for turns
    the left pedal means you'll brake
    And CELL PHONES...I'll stop.

  16. nina--probably won't teach the snarku in CW class, but may make mention of it just for fun.

    nancy--remember when "day of the week" underwear was the fashion? Sunday was white, Saturday was black. At least in my set. That didn't always work for me.

    tera--You did a Traffic Snarku rather than fashion! I love it. See how easy and freeing the form of the Snarku is? Your commute must really get to you. This isn't the first time you've vented about it.

  17. Yeah Nance, I figured you and the rest of the commenters had all the fashion ones covered in my estimation!!! Not to mention, my Road Rage was on my mind this morning when I read this! :)

  18. These snarkus are classics! You'll have to revisit them often! I'm a big flip-flop offender though. I could never sneak up on anyone in the summer! ; )


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