Saturday, June 02, 2007

Rock Me Like A Hurricane...Or At Least TRY!

Hurricane season is upon us, and we are already tracking the movements of one Tropical Storm Barry.


I'm sorry, but I would have a very hard time getting worried and scared about a storm named Barry. That name isn't doing it for me. When I hear the name Barry, I picture either Greg Brady (actor Barry Williams) or a fifty-something guy with kind of curlyish hair, glasses, and plaid Bermuda shorts walking around a backyard barbecue with a can of beer saying, "Well, my accountant looked it over and said he could reduce my tax bill next year by about two percent."

I wondered who the heck was responsible for naming these storms and why they continue to do such a crappy job. It's the National Weather Service, and they started adding men's names to the list in 1979. There are, in fact, six lists of storm names now, and they simply rotate them. The original naming began in 1953 to simplify the task of reporting the storms to the general public; I imagine that they will begin to add even more ethnically diverse names if the public begin to demand it.

Here is the official list of Storm Names for 2007:
Now, I don't know about you, but those are some wussy names for hurricanes. I'm not about to board up my windows, pack up the Prius, drain the bank account, and load the cats into the carrier for Hurricane Jerry. I mean, jeeze...this is a hurricane that does charity work. Come on! And Hurricane Noel? A Christmas Hurricane?!

And Hurricane Pablo?

I think I've made my point here. Okay, one more, and you have to see it coming.

Hurricane Felix. Get serious.

These pointyheads at the NWS have to get down and dirty and come up with some kickass intimidating names for these storms. Who's gonna run from Wendy? Her dad makes square hamburgers! So, I'm proposing a few names here, and then you should do likewise in the comments. Here's my partial list to replace a few of the pantywaist names in the NWS List O'Losers:
There! I've gotten you started. Now, get busy in the comments and intimidate me. Oh, and no fair designating Hurricane Nance. Ha ha, LOL and all that.


  1. Anonymous8:05 PM

    Hurricane Brian. … JUST KIDDING!

    O.K. I like your list; those names pack a lot more punch. But have you checked out the list of names that are retired from the ‘permanent lists’ if they are particularly devastating hurricanes? I, for one, weathered Hurricane Betsy in New Orleans a mere month after my family moved there, and it was hellacious. Who would’ve thought a sweet little thang called Betsy could have done what it did? 'Betsy' is now retired from the rotating hurricane list. So, actually, in my opinion, the wussier the name, the more likely it is to be The Freakin’ Hurricane from Hell, LOL.

    That said, here are a few more suggestions:

    Shanika (as in, ‘don’t mess with…’)

    a la Harry Potter:
    Snape … and of course:
    Voldemort (I think this comes from “flight of death” in French?)

    What? That’s cheating, and you want real names? Well, here’s one I know you’ll like. Guaranteed to bode nothing but horror. Guaranteed to leave destruction in its wake. Guaranteed to leave an evil taste in your mouth. Guaranteed to scare no one because it is a wussy name, but also guaranteed to make you regret you ever doubted its power to ruin everything in its path:

    Bush. Hurricane Bush.

  2. I'm thinking something along the lines of some greek gods.

  3. LMAO @ Wendy...I guess there's no pun intended?

  4. I am afraid of Hurricane Olga. Very afraid.

  5. How about math names? Math tends to scare people.

    Hurricane Orbifold
    Hurricane Abelianization
    Hurricane Differential
    Hurricane Polynomial
    Complex Hurricane Conjugate

    Or my favorite,

    Hurricane Commutator

    Maybe I should stick to my day job.

  6. I'm playing off of Ortizzle and the Harry Potter theme with:

    Hurricane Narcissa

    I think I would be afraid of her!

  7. Ortizzle--Girl...I like the way you think. Hurricane Bush. Let's name them all that. Very apt.
    On the other hand, I think literary names, a la Harry Potter, is a bit esoteric. I, for one, haven't read the series and, believe it or not, know of a handful of others who haven't. In that vein, then, we could get all Biblical as well: Judas, for one. Wondering where we'd draw the line, is all.

    princess--I thought of gods and goddesses as well, but what of the Roman ones, the Egyptian, Hindu, etc? Whew! we could go crazy. OR...we could give them all a shot, I guess!

    tera--I like imagining the hurricane in those doofy red braids.

    V-grrrl--Hey, me too!!! Good one.

    ih--excellent!! I'd pack up and run from plain old Hurricane Algebra.

    Nina--I think I'd stick to Disney, even, and run from Hurricane Malificent. (I may have to break down and actually read a Harry Potter now. Sigh.)

  8. V-grrrl, again--I see that Olga is actually on the list. Yeah, so they got ONE right. Okay, and maybe Ingrid, although I once knew a nurse named Ingrid and she was pretty okay. But a little scary only because she was a nighttime nurse. Not her fault. But come on, who's gonna scoot for Hurricane Van? All I can think of is Van Johnson, a guy who terminally smiled and used to appear on Johnny Carson wearing white shoes and matching belt.

  9. My best friend, Melissa, was stunned to learn that she is a hurricane. Who knew? I had great-uncles with pantywaist names. How about Percy, Merrill, Clyde, Stanley (ooh, seems as thought there already was a bad hurricane Clyde?). Worst thing the human Clyde ever did was steal his sister's slice of pie. For stronger names, I propose

    Barbara (Bush)
    Lady Macbeth

    How about some more pantywaist names? Chauncey. Cinderella.

    Tanya is completely convincing, though. Especially OFF the ice in a trailer park.

  10. Anonymous8:10 PM

    Nance: Harry Potter is esoteric? Nah! Anyway, I'm just a Peter Pan adult who still loves kids' books. Now, if I wanted to go a bit literary... what about some evil Dickens characters? I could totally see Hurricane Uriah, as in Uriah Heap.

    Oh, and BTW, I think the Bible would be a great source! And Judas is only the beginning.

  11. OMG!!!!! READ IT!!!! I'M SOOO EXCITED FOR YOU! Would you like to borrow my books? :)

  12. Ortizzle--I meant esoteric in the purest sense, as in "understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; recondite". Why do you force me to pull out my bigass dictionary? LOL.

    Nina--don't get your knickers all in a twist. I said "MAY."

    sputnik--ARNOLD?? are you kidding? that name is about as strong as donald, and he's a duck. but bravo for the rest of your list, although I sense a tone of meanness re: Hillary. Truly, however, she could definitely do some rockin'.

  13. I've only got one, and I'm sure not good. Helga.

    And I haven't read Harry Potter either. Now granted I saw the first two or three, but I was bored with them.

  14. Anonymous10:49 PM

    Well, now I've made a fool of myself yet again. I always thought 'esoteric' meant kind of high-falutin'. Like, fer people who are deadly serious scholars. The kind of people who actually understand Faulkner, Joyce and Borges. And since I kinda get what H.P. is all about... I would in no way consider myself esoteric and certainly not what I read. But you're right. And so is the dictionary. And now I have to start using this word properly. All I can say is, it's just a damn good thing I found the Department of Nance. (That is meant sincerely, I promise... I am the biggest Miss Malaprop ever.)

  15. Fine. Break a girl's heart why don'tcha.

  16. Anonymous11:20 PM

    Noel like "Christmas" or Noel as in Noel Coward, the hurricane that wears a smoking jacket, carries a pipe and wears slippers?

  17. Anonymous10:20 AM

    Oh, thank goodness the date was wrong on the May 31st tie report. I kind of did a double-take on that one.

    On to June 5th: I actually saw that one on TV. Loved the color, and of course, the innovative stripes did not escape my attention, either. Way to go, B.W. Isn't it amazing how grateful one can be just for not looking at purple again?!

  18. Purple Tie is a pretty scary name. Makes you cringe and wish you had bought property elsewhere. For more intimidating names, I look to comic books. I had a list going, but it ended up looking ridiculous. But imagine if you would Hurricane Galactus!

  19. jenomena--Oh, I'd get a move on if Helga were on her way. Good one!

    Ortizzle--you? a fool? no way. i love the way you keep me and my vocabulary honest.

    nina--don't make me come over to EC and slap you.

    wordgirl--i thought of that,too, but i like playing with the colors in my fonts too and don't you love how even the sons and daughters call their mother and father "darling" in a coward play?

    ortizzle--i almost emailed you for confirmation on the color. you and your bigass t.v.--how i envy you seeing brian almost life-sized. (or is he even bigger!?)

    j--that hurricane sounds inescapable. i'd just mix up a pitcher of martinis and go out in style.

  20. you don't play nice!!!

    Really, I was just stopping by to wish you a happy last day of school with students! Go CAVS!

  21. Anonymous12:07 PM

    You are being sarcastic about my big-ass TV, right? Or did you think the one I only dream about is the one I actually have?

    Anyway, I saw the sinful tie last night. For me, it's the Boy Scout tie. I was wondering, as I watched it on my piddly 17-inch screen, if you were having a coronary, or if you just decided to forego the news so you would not have to look at it again so soon.

    By the way, I barely know any French, but... does your comment mean "I am afraid to think" ?

  22. nina--nice is for losers. look what happened to al gore. but thank you, and GO CAVS!

    ortizzle--i was under the impression that you DID have a bigass tv. now i have to go back thru my emails and re-read to see why and how i went so very wrong. perhaps you'd better go and get one, then. anyway, you should have heard me during the Nightly: "Oh my GOD! THAT TIE! HE IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW. That's IT." Rick was saying, "I'm sure he doesn't mean to, Nance." It was dramatic, really.

    Translation of La Francaise: "I shudder to think." You're pretty good. Those Romance languages are similar, but you're pretty good.


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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