Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Nance Show

It is almost time for the cable bill to come, and that means it is almost time for Rick to sigh heavily and say to Jared, Sam, and me, "This is ridiculous. This much just to watch television?!" Naturally, that is our cue to defend our Pet Channels so that the Budgetary Axe of Death does not fall:

Jared: Life without ESPN, ESPN2, or FSNOhio is not a life I want to live. Are you really prepared to have that on your conscience?
Me: I have to have the Food Network. We've gone over this a hundred times.
Sam: What's this now?

Shortly after that, I also remind him that the cable bill also represents our internet connection. He mumbles something from behind his laptop and proceeds to ignore us for the rest of the evening. He forgets that the majority of his surfing and eventual stopping takes place on cable-provided programming, too. His television watching is just not nearly as interactive as mine is; therefore, it is quieter and not as noticeable.

I am, by nature, a chatty individual, and the fact that the television is supposedly a one-way entertainment device doesn't deter me in the least. I'm quite free with my comments, advice, and dialogue along with the program on the tv. As a matter of fact, Jared thinks I should have my own show something along the lines of Mystery Science Theater 3000, only with a cooking format.

Are you familiar with MST3K? It was a silly show hosted by a human and three robots who sat and watched really awful movies and kept up a running commentary--usually witty and critical--during the films. Sometimes they'd do alternative dialogue, too.

Well, instead of watching bad films, I'd watch the cooking shows of Food Network "stars" that I really dislike. I'd criticize and generally eviscerate them as they cooked, then do my own recipes after their segments. It wouldn't be hard. I already do it at home. There's nothing I like better after a hard day at school than coming home, changing out of my Mrs. D. clothes, kicking back on the couch with Jared and watching Everyday Italian with Giada de Laurentiis, who I simply cannot tolerate as a cook. She is, in a word, terrible. I unwind from my day by ripping her apart, from the fact that she cannot accurately estimate nor measure to her constant use of the word "perfect" and description of every single herb as "lemony." She is also the only Italian I know who refuses to cook generously or even enough. Her guests must have to stop at McDonald's on the way home from dinner at her house.

Anyway, after I got done blasting Giada (or Emeril or Tyler or whoever was on the hotseat that day--but never Paula Deen, NEVER MISS PAULA!) I would then cook a better and Nancer version of whatever dish they had completely screwed up.

Every so often, I might mix it up and have a segment on of the Food Network people I like. Like Alton Brown or Paula Deen or maybe one or two segments that I can tolerate of Michael Chiarello--when he's not saying the word "caramelize" every three seconds and demanding that we see him as a raging heterosexual. But I'd have to see how it goes.

And I'd never have a guest on. Because they might want to talk, too. And I'm just not up for that.
Last year on Dept of Nance: Guilty Pleasures


  1. Haha, that would be great! I can tolerate Giada, but it might just be because I'm staring at either her teeth or her boobs. My boyfriend and I pretty much refer to her as "Booby McTeetherson". I've also noticed that every herb is lemony. Sadly I'm not familiar enough with herbs beyond the basics, but I cannot imagine that every single one is "lemony". Also, I do love Paula.

    I agree that I need cable for Food Network. Though I think I've watched it too much and I'm seeing too many of the same shows for the third and fourth times...

    I meant to tell you today about the boxes and boxes of ties that were strewn about at Dillards. I wanted to snatch them up to do something with, but at prices that were still to much for me to justify buying one tie I had to pass them up.

  2. The cable bill IS quite a pain, but I often wonder what a day in my life would be like without Lifetime, Disney (for the boys), and my Internet!!!

    I also often wonder if I watch G. Garvin because I like cooking shows, or is it because he's so easy on the eyes? ;)

  3. I couldn't live without the internet. Period. I'll have a hard enough time in Israel with only ten days away from the computer, but somehow I'll manage.

    TV is something I can live without - I just choose not to. I don't have cable, though. I can live with the trashy shows that the networks dish out to us season after season.

    I'll let you know how next semester goes without a TV. It'll be an interesting experiment.

  4. I LOVE MST3K!
    Just thought you'd like to know that. Oh, and I agree with you about the Food Network *stars*. Emeril thinks he is god's gift to a cutting board and when I hear Rachel Ray say "EVOO..extra virgin olive oil..." I have a compulsion to throw things at the TV. What is the point in using an acronym if you are going to say the words it represents immediately after???
    I do, however, love Alton.
    ..oh and I started a new blog. long story.

  5. I used to love Mystery Science Theater. I will be forever grateful that it taught me about the stunning film, "Tarantula." And see these stainless-steel skewers I'm ready to stab something with? Every one of them is intended for Rachel Ray. But I like Jamie Oliver. A few years ago my elder kid and I were in a mega-grocery and while I was perusing soy sauce, he started punching up a nearby life-sized cardboard figure of Emeril. Clearly you've touched a universal nerve here.

  6. Anonymous1:52 PM

    I've heard of Rachel Ray but none of the other people you mentioned. I am a 45 year old woman who has NEVER had a cable bill and bought her first televison when she was, um, 44.

    Not big into TV, obviously, but life without high-speed Internet access? Not worth living. Unless I'm on vacation....

  7. Anonymous7:53 PM

    I loved the comments those robots used to make on MST3K. One of the best was during a very bad movie when one of the characters said,"Oh, Charles, I am so bored. I just don't know what to do." To which the robot shouted ,"You could take some acting lessons."

  8. Our 10+ year old second hand computer died just about a year ago. At first I was in no hurry to replace it. After about a week or so I realized how much I actually used the damn thing when it comes to running this house. I freaked!!! We got a new one...immediately!

    The Food Network...aaahhhh! Love it! Before I had daily access to the internet, I'd watch my favorites faithfully with pen and paper in hand crazily jotting down recipes. Now I just take note of the dish and look it up online.

    I don't like Giada either. She's too skinny. She can't possibly eat all that food she makes. Tyler him! I've learned a lot from him. He's allowed me to perfect my lasagna (noodle collar is one of the secrets) and I got my collard green recipe from him as well. They're fab~and no one is ever able to guess what makes them so special. Now Miss Paula Dean. I used to adore her. I'd never miss her show. Then I saw her live at the Food Show last time it was in town. What a huge disappointment, she didn't cook! Her husband and assistant did EVERYTHING (while she talked about everything except food) and then they got into a food fight with the bannana pudding! Yes, she was funny and entertaining but I wanted to see her cook!!! I should've opted for the ticket to see Tyler. I did get my pic taken with Ted Allen. That was pretty cool! He was super nice.

  9. jenomena--I don't mind watching the same shows several times. I can pick up stuff I've missed. It's like watching "Last of the Mohicans" and knowing when that drop of sweat is going to drip off DD-L's nose...!

    tera--there is a new initiative on its way in ohio promoting cable choice. i am going to look into it and see if it's headed onto the ballot. we are totally without any sayso here, and it's really pathetic. that is my next political project. (as if I need any more!)

    i.h.--i've become less and less enamored of television except for national news and Meet the Press. the commercials are so lengthy and the shows are becoming so horrible. by the time the commercial breaks are over, i honestly have lost the thread of what plot there may have been.

    danielle--you have totally nailed the thing with Rachael Ray!! How annoying! Plus, when a grown woman says things like 'sammies' and 'yummo', I have to tune out.
    i am checking out the new blog today after i hit up Brian W's webcast.

    sputnik--i loved jamie oliver but found the erratic and jumpy camera work for his show to be nauseating and migraine-inducing. i liked his premise: nothing fussy, everything easy and immediate and flavorful. whatever happened to him?

    v-grrrl--are you not going to be in touch while stateside? say it ain't so...!

    Nancy--that was a classic, to be sure!! My favorite film of all time on MST3K had to be "Mitchell" with Joe Don Baker. It was a typical 70s film with horrifying acting and pseudo-action plot. So hysterical. I think it's even available a la MST3K on viddy or DVD.

  10. nina--I went to the first Food Network Show, and I discovered that cooking is not the point of the celebrities' shows. The "personality" is the point. The only ticket I could get was to see the dreaded Rachel Ray. All she kept saying the entire show was, "I want gossip! Ask me questions or tell me good gossip!" An assistant did 70% of the cooking, along with an audience member. RR barely narrate what she was doing. I think everyone--and the audience would all have been foodies, duh--was more than a little disappointed. That's a major failing of these Food TV shows, I think. From what I heard, the only celeb chef who had a decent show was Alton Brown.

  11. Oh Nance, when I lived there, I opted for was soooo much cheaper, and movie packages were great! I just hate those little monopolies the phone and cable companies have!!!!

  12. I watched Tyler Florence on the big screen outside of the tent and he cooked. Ted Allen and Cat Kora cooked too. I feel jipped!

    You seriously don't like Rachel Ray!?!?? My family has eaten several 30 minute meals! We just had some Rachael Ray oven fries the other day...soooo yummy!!!

  13. Oh yeah, is MST3K still on? That show is too flippin' funny. But I haven't seen it in years :(

  14. I miss the Naked Chef- he was so adorable!

    Thanks for your comments on my blog- I really appreciated them, it's helpful knowing that someone else has gone through somethign similar.

  15. Anonymous2:20 PM

    Mitchell was a favorite of mine,too. Here is what IMDB says about it. Made in 1979 Joe Don Baker plays Mitchell; a hard nosed,soft bellied cop with an affinity for porn and Schlitz. His latest assignment has him engaging in no-speed car chases,yelling at children,shooting innocents and sloppily carousing Linda Evans.
    Now I ask you, what's not to like?

    Believe me,the robots had plenty to say to Mitchell!!!!!

  16. Speaking of a show with camera work that has just turned me off: Nigella Feasts. I hate how half of the shots are blurry, especially while Nigella is doing something with the food!

    I can tolerate Rachel Ray, and I really like using her cookbooks. But I totally understand where the camp of RR haters comes from!

  17. Anonymous2:50 PM

    I haven't watched the Food Network in yonks. I did remember Emeril: the in-your-face tough guy chef who barks out his explanations like a mafioso and tells ya to "stick around" which I rarely do because I don't like being barked at.

    So anyway, I turned it on yesterday and actually saw your dear friend Paula, and your "so-not-my-friend" Giada in back-to-back programs. Giada, true to her reputation, made three dishes, all featuring lemon. Everything was perfect except for her head, which is seriously out of proportion with the rest of her body. And Paula... bless 'er heart, is she southern or what? She served up chocolate glazed doughnuts made from bisquick dough, and corn-on-the-cob with mayonnaise and cheese. Cholesterol City, but great comfort food.

    B.W.'s mango adventure: oh, yes, that was screaming at me. Screaming for the light to turn green. Or even red.

  18. tera--lots of Dishes are going up in my neighborhood. i'm not a big movie watcher at home, myself. i just can't carve out that big of a chunk of time, usually--and then stay awake!

    nina--rachael ray's food is fine; she's a decent simple home cook. she's no chef and the good thing about her is that she is quick to point that out. i just find her annoying and irritating. also, she uses a ton of "convenience foods" like pre-shredded carrots in a bag that can cost quite a bit. sometimes tyler florence can be a teensy arrogant and very worky for no good reason.

    and i don't know if MST3K is still on or not. if it is, i hope someone tells me and that i get that channel.

    princess--you're welcome.

    nancy--i had to take a run to the IMDb myself to check on the lead actor for "Mitchell." I always fact-check before I hit "publish." Nothing is too good for DoN readers.

    jenomena--i think a lot of RR's basics and recipes are very good. i just find her annoying and way too jumpy. and really, she needs to grow up her vocabulary and lose the "EVOO extra virgin olive oil" redundancy thing.

    Ortizzle--Giada reminds me of a T-Rex--big head, little tiny arms. And you should have seen My Miss Paula make bread pudding using KRISPY KREME GLAZED DOUGHNUTS on one show. I absolutely cried. She makes absolutely no excuses for her high fat, high shamefulness content. And for that, I will love her forever. In one show, she declared something so good, "It'll make you wanna slap yore mamma!!" How can you not love her?
    RE: horrifically awful mango tie with sluttish stocking overlay pattern--I was almost without speech. But, as you see, I recovered, and IMHO, somewhat nicely.

  19. I don't believe the MT3K is still on anymore. My sister and her man are huge fans and they have a large number of the movies (with robots, of course) on DVD. Huge fun and no commericials! Our favorite was "Manos: Hands of Evil"

  20. Anonymous5:09 PM

    I love Giada! What's your deal!? I have made a ton of her dishes and they were to die for. Not to mention she is beautiful! Why do people hate if a woman happens to be good at something and wants to be sexy? It's not a crime. Are you jealous?


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