Friday, August 28, 2015

Today's Top Ten List: Things I'm Not Doing Anymore

Life is short, and let's face it: mine is probably more than half over. I'm not going to waste any more of the time I have left on things I don't like if I can possibly help it. 

Here, then, is my abridged list of

Ten Things I'm Not Doing Anymore If I Can Help It

1. Attend Kid Parties
2. Send Cards
3. Drink Bad Wine
4. Attend Baby or Bridal Showers
5. Clothes Shop for Myself at Macy's
6. Get a Haircut
7. Eat at Mediocre Restaurants
8. Be Uncomfortable in My Own Home
9. Use Any Electric Hairstyling Tool
10. The Dreadmill

1. Kid parties are loud and chaotic affairs which are, by definition, full of children. This is a stage of my life that I am thrilled to be done with and have zero interest in revisiting. And allow me to say that the amount of Actual Parenting that takes place in general Anywhere by the current generation of "Parents" is approximately a teensy weensy bit. If any. I think you understand my position here.

2. I hate all cards. I don't get the point. They are ridiculously expensive, and once you get them and look at them, then what do you do? I do not save cards. It's a terrific waste of money. Send me an e-card. Send me a text message. For a death, I write a lovely letter in which I share a remembrance of the departed and offer comfort and a specific service if I can. And do not get me started on Christmas Cards, which have become ridiculous in many cases.(My next-door neighbor used to mail a card to me. Why?)

3. As you all know, I am a collector, appreciator, and enthusiastic drinker of wine. I don't really think I am a Wine Snob. But I'm not going to drink any more crappy wine just because It Is Wine and people know that is what I drink. "I'll get you a glass of wine," someone says at an event. And I am sitting there with a glass of awful chablis or red something, gamely choking it down. Never again.

4. All gift showers are tedious, trying events at which the women are marking time until they can safely leave without hurting anyone's feelings. Now they are huge, catered events in some cases, held at halls and arenas with ice sculptures and dancers. No, we don't want to play little games or win candles and pot holders and picture frames. We just want our cookies and a chance to leave. I will just be sending a gift to the house.

5. I used to shop at Macy's in my hometown all the time. Then, seemingly, it was taken over by aliens from the planet Sad-N-Dowdy. Last year, I walked in, and after a half hour of wandering all over the female clothing departments, I finally found a salesperson. I said to her, "What happened to this store? Where would I find clothes that are...I don't know...not this?" I'll spare you the rest, but suffice it to say that she could not help me and I have not been back.

6. Last year at this time, I got a short, choppy pixie, which after a week or so, I regretted steadily until about last week, when I finally liked my hair again. Then I went to get A TRIM. But the stylist did not do that, and she gave me A HAIRCUT instead. From now on, I am cutting my own bangs, and that is the only haircut I am getting for the rest of my life.

7. There is a lot of bad food served at restaurants, and it's depressing. I'd rather eat out a lot less often and pay more for a truly excellent meal. Most restaurants in our area are putting out food that is nowhere near as good as what I can make in my own kitchen, and with fresher ingredients. I'll save up and go to a pricier place, or get good Chinese takeout.

8. In the winter I don't mind wearing a sweater or snuggling up in a blanket if I'm on the couch in my jammies in the evening. In the summer I don't mind having the ceiling fan on. But I am not going to be shivering or sweating in my own home in the winter or summer, either. This is Civilization, and we work(ed) hard to have money to be able to have heat and airconditioning. Especially heat. I am not going to suffer in my own home.

9. From highschool through more than half of my teaching career, I was a slave to either hot rollers or a curling iron. I even had a curling iron with the metal hot roller bristle thingies! It's like my hair was my hobby or a Lifestyle Choice. Now, if it can't be accomplished with a blowdryer and a round brush at the most, tough.

10. I'm over it. Period. Dr. B., my neurologist, was horrified that I was even using a treadmill to begin with. And I hate it with a passion. (Hence my name for it, dreadmill.) It's no wonder that it used to be a prison device for hard labour punishment. I'd rather bundle up in the winter and risk a fall on icy sidewalks. I'm not kidding.

I can't wait to hear what you all are ready to cut loose and say "Never Again" to.


  1. #8. Yes! I live in Ann Arbor which is my favorite place on earth, but we have a lot of the "I won't turn my a/c on until it is 97,000 degrees because ENVIRONMENT" and people who compete to see how long they can freeze before they turn the heat on. Not me! We put our a/c on if it dips below about 70 outside and the heat is already at the ready. I proudly post this on Facebook, just to mess with people.

    1. TeacherPatti--I am with you. It's like people who start wearing sweaters and tweeds because it is September or October, despite the summerlike heat and humidity. If it is 40 degrees and it's only October, however, my heat is ON. Hell, if it's 55 and it's July, my heat will go on. And the converse is true also. In the immortal words of George Costanza, "We're trying to have a Society here!"

  2. #7. No bad restaurants. If I tried it and didn't like it, I won't go back. Even if everyone says that it's the best. thing. ever. I'll sit at home by myself eating a PB&J before I'll eat crappy food out.

    1. Ally Bean--I have learned--FINALLY--not to trust Most People's restaurant reviews. I am terribly picky because I am a good cook and I cook often and boldly. For a lot of people, Olive Garden and Applebee's are good restaurants, and that's fine. But those are not good restaurants for me.

      Also, how satisfying is a nice PBJ sandwich, really? Especially on Toast? I have to say that I am a fan. Especially--for me, anyway--with Smucker's Strawberry Jam. And Jif creamy peanut butter. That is lovely.

    2. Sometimes if I'm feeling fancy I'll add sliced banana to my PBJ :)

  3. I only wish I could have #8. Alas that JG is such a wood burning stove and furnace enthusiast. It is almost impossible never to be too cold or too hot when you heat with wood. With you on the AC, all the way.
    I would sooner eat at an indifferent restaurant than cook for myself any day. You can always find something edible.....
    I feel about almost all clothing stores the way you feel about Macy's.

    My own 'never again's. 1.) commit to doing something for the community that blossoms into a full time job.
    2.) Put on a girdle or other tight and "slimming" undergarment. 3.) Drink or eat something I hate because it is offered to me in someone's home. If someone says to me that he or she does not eat a certain thing, I will find them something else. Picky eaters deserve a break today.

    1. Mary G--You are, unlike me, a Do-Gooder at heart and someone who is hearty and up-and-at-'em in nature. I wander out in the morning at about 7, feed the cats, make the coffee, and am still Easing Into My Day at 10 AM. The chances of me making Community Commitments is fantastically slim.

      I agree that just because you wish not to offend someone, you should eat something you truly dislike. I find it easy to either pick at and move the food around, eat the side dishes or fill up on bread, or simply say that I am not hungry or, if I can be pleasantly honest, that I do not care for it. Perhaps I can claim allergy if it is possible to lie plausibly. I do sympathize with hosts/hostesses these days, however, when so many people are trying new diets and avoiding all kinds of foods and food groups. Having a dinner is a minefield.

  4. Regarding number 1, will that change if you become a grandmother? My thought is yes. Enjoy the respite for now.
    My mom had a dreadmill, and she loved it. She made a deal with herself that she would either get on the damned thing and walk, or else go outside and walk, but not walking was not an option. She hated walking on the dreadmill, and said it got her out walking in weather that would have kept her home previously. :)
    We generally don't sleep with our a/c on, but a couple of weeks ago the air was smokey from wildfires and it was hot, so we did sleep with the a/c on for two nights. It was delicious. Then I got the electric bill, which is generally between $90 and $140, and it was $220!!! I freaked the hell out, and could not imagine that having the a/c on for only two nights could have that much of an impact. Then I looked more closely, and I forgot to pay the bill last month. So this was 2 months worth, and did include the 2 nights in question. WHEW!

  5. J@jj--Probably. I would like to think that my children will not have bigass kid parties for their eventual children, should they have any. Certainly not out of deference to me, but because they share my dislike for them. Things change when it is your own, of course.

    The hard plodding on a dreadmill is contraindicated for migraine sufferers, apparently. I completely understand why, and the motion and noise made it difficult for me to use for days after a headache.

    I employ all of the usual tricks to add extra steps to my day, but in NEO winters, getting a walk outdoors safely is often difficult. But no more dreadmill, period. I will become a Mall Walker instead.

    Enjoy that AC! Why do we work, if not for Small Luxuries?


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