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Sunday, October 14, 2012

In Which I Lament Yard Parkers, Pushy Companies, And, Always, Bacon


Today in NEO it was a golden autumn day.  We had temperatures early in the afternoon that peaked in the high seventies.  There was a brisk westerly breeze and the sun was warm and lovely.  Rick and I took a long walk and then settled into our bright red porch chairs with a glass of cider for some conversation and commentary on...well, everything.

Soon, I needed a snack, and this, as many of you may recall, is Perilous Territory for me, and by default then, for Rick.  I do not often eat during the day, and when I suddenly must, rarely is it obvious to even me what I want.  When I returned from my foraging, I had a bag of Lay's Potato Chips--just the crumbs, really (it was an old bag)--and Rick rolled his eyes.

Rick:  (nodding at the chips) That's not what you want.
Nance:  (sighs) I know.  But I have no idea.
Rick:  (puzzled) Didn't we buy a new bag?  What--
Nance:  Yeah, but there's still some left in here, and I'm not opening a nice new bag when this might not even be what I want.
Rick:  You're such a project.
Nance: (decisively) Boy, don't I know it.  (looks across the street at the rental house)  Rick, I am going to say something very, very horrible right now.  It's just terrible and awful.
Rick:  (looks up expectantly; his expression is almost joyful) Oh good.  I hope so.  It's been a really long time since you did.  A long time.
Yard Parker: the view from my porch
Nance:  I just wish that something--anything--would come down off the roof, or the tree, or something overhanging, and fall on top of their car and do a lot of damage.  I mean it.  I don't want anything to hurt them, but I am so sick of them parking on their lawn and right up against their house and their front steps for heaven's sake!  Maybe if something hurt their car, they would stop doing it.  I mean, how lazy are they?  It's just terrible.  It makes me terrible.  The whole thing is awful.  I don't know why I care so much.  I mean, it's not hurting me.  I just have to look at it.

Rick:  Well, it makes the neighborhood look trashy.
Nance:  It does.  It really does.  (sighs;looks down at chips)  Holy crap.  All I wanted to do was eat a few chips.  But no!  They want me to scan this code and go to their website.  Here they want me to design my own flavor.  Then they want me to post that to Facebook.  (a little indignant now) That's a lot of bullshit work!
Rick:  They want you to do their job.
Nance:  And here's what happens.  People come up with all kinds of exotic flavors.  They say, apple cinnamon!  Salted caramel!  Chicken and biscuits!  Duck confit!  And here's what will win--BACON. Period.  Bet me.
Rick:  What flavor would you want?
Nance:  I have no idea.  Guacamole?  Probably already sent in or already tested.  But the point is, it doesn't matter.  BACON WILL WIN.  Seriously.
Rick:  Everyone likes bacon.
Nance:  Then why ask? Ugh. Make a bacon chip and be done with it.
Rick:  Here.  Give me that.  I'm going in to get a beer.  I'll throw them away for you.

15 comments:

  1. Mikey G.6:40 PM

    We were driving through a relatively nice neighborhood here in SF when we saw a house with a Hummer parked in their front lawn. My friend quickly said, "New money," and we all nodded in agreement.

    One part of me can almost understand this in San Francisco, as there's just such little space. But there must be ample street parking on your block, if for some reason they don't have room in their driveway. Why, why would they do that?

    What really drove me bonkers was when I was in grad school in Providence. There was a stupid, stupid ordinance that forbid people from parking their cars on the street overnight. I think it was originally justified for safety reasons, especially in large snowstorms, but then why wasn't the law only in effect when there was x amount of snow on the ground? Anyway, because of this law, people would cement or gravel over their front yards to make room for their cars, and nobody would have front yards anymore. It was terribly disappointing.

    Luckily, I now live in a neighborhood with plenty of street parking, so it's easy to have friends over for multiple days.

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  2. I don't like the look of a car in a yard, but in our neighborhood there is a truck parked on the street right across from where we turn onto our street. Which means that if there is oncoming traffic I have to stop halfway down the street for that car to go by because lord knows they aren't going to move over & let me hover between the two vehicles before I can turn left. So, really, I would LOVE it if they parked their broke down truck in the yard. Have at it boys!

    I love the conversations that you two have. And I would probably try the bacon chip if they made one. I think there's already a guacamole one anyway...

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  3. You're right, bacon wins by default, though bacon flavored chips sounds horrid. And you're right, if you're going to just make a bacon chip anyway, why waste everyone's time? And you're right, parking on your lawn is SO annoying. Don't they have a driveway? What is occupying that space? Why not park in the street?

    We live in a little condo complex, and quite a few years ago, a neighbor wanted to do some pretty extensive work in his little yard. So he asked permission from the HOA (as one Must Do) to remove a section of the fence to do this work. He ended up removing his entire fence, putting in a new one (grabbing a one foot by 15 foot area of common space whilst at it), and installed a gate at the back, near the parking lot, so he wouldn't have to walk the extra 10 steps around to his front door. Grrr. So everyone was Up In Arms, and the HOA took down his fence and put in a new new fence, taking back SOME of the purloined property, but not all, because of I don't know why, but they LEFT IN THE GATE. SO annoying, every time I saw that mean man walking through that gate, all entitled and snooty. (And believe me, the gate/fence/property grabs are not the reason he was so disliked. He was disliked for being an ass.)

    We all celebrated mightily when he finally sold his unit and moved away, to torture some other poor association. It bugs me that he made $500k on his unit though, by moving RIGHT before the housing market crashed. Sigh. Probably bugs the guy who bought it from him even more, since it's not worth anything close to that now.

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  4. j@jj--I am so conflicted about HOAs. Sometimes, I wish mightily for one, as in the case of the rental in this post, who also put up a huge fake floral archway against the house, complete with garish purple blooms for who knows what reason, and then also parked an egregious homemade trailer right smack in the front yard for months and months. It made porch-sitting nigh unto impossible without strong drink and weeping.

    We do not have street parking on our Avenue. It is very narrow, and long ago, before even we got here, one lady successfully circulated a petition to have it banned under the auspices of Child Safety. Truly, there is barely room for two cars to pass one another, so that's fine.

    In the matter of the Yard Parkers, they have plenty of driveway, as well as an asphalt pad at the side of the house and in the back. It's sheer laziness and Low Rent Mentality. Plus, I think they want to hurt my feelings. I just do.

    Bug--You really do not mean that you want a PICKUP TRUCK PARKED IN A YARD IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD. Think of what you are saying.

    I think there is a guac chip, but isn't it a Dorito or something? No matter, I would not eat it. I am an Original Lays girl, with a detour now and then to barbecue.

    You be careful driving on your street, now, you hear? No more photos, at least at that perilous place!

    Mikey--I hear you. I remember visiting my friend in Chicago and her having a car there. Parking was ridiculous! She eventually just sold it because she had NO PARKING AT ALL anywhere near her apartment. Seriously. There, of course, they have such superior public transport that a car is pointless. But I remember her walking for blocks and blocks TO HER CAR. Insane.

    Here, as you know, it's not New Money, Old Money, or No Money. It's just a Class Thing. It crosses gender and generation.

    ReplyDelete
  5. How many extra feet would those white-trash neighbours have to walk if they parked in the driveway? 4? Are they obese? I am betting on it. I bet they also drive round and round in parking lots trying to get inches closer to the door.

    And speaking of HOAs... ours came up with something I thought was laughable at first: all dog owners must now register their dogs with the city, have a DNA swab done, and will be given heavy fines if they are found guilty of not cleaning up after their pets. Yeah, the Poo Prints Inspectors will be on patrol. I always considered it just a bit more fertilizer until they told us that: a single gram of dog waste can contain 23 million fecal coliform bacteria, which are known to cause cramps, diarrhea, intestinal illness, and serious kidney disorders in humans.
    Yikes. (My apologies for the scatological references.)

    p.s. omg, did you get rid of WordVer? Bless yer heart!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ortizzle--Yes, I am experimenting with eliminating word ver. (Like the pun?) Honestly, I have so much trouble with it on other sites that I hate to think of inflicting it on My Commentors. We'll see if it works out in its present configuration.

    The neighbors are portly overmuch, but relatively young. Oddly enough, all the renters in that unit have done it, sizable or no. And yes, it would be an increase of about four more yards of walking. What gets me is that they aren't really ever blocking anyone in if they go ahead and use the side asphalt lot. But no, they pull right on up to the front steps. How the hell do they even get past the bumper and up the steps?

    OMG on the DNA! I guess the adage holds true: Don't Mess with Texas.

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  7. Bacon is great--as bacon. Bacon and eggs, BLTs, the occasional bacon cheeseburger. But I really don't care for bacon-flavored chips or crackers. I'm a snack purist, I don't like barbecue, sour cream and chives or vinegar. Just plain, thank you, maybe with ridges or kettle-cooked.

    This is probably a vestige of my childhood career as The World's Pickiest Eater. I'm pretty adventurous now, but still won't eat liver. Now don't anyone tell me that I'd eat it the way you cook it. Just can't stand the taste, texture, or (shudder) smell, and no amount of breaking, frying, onions, or bacon will help.

    See how I brought it all back to bacon?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mmmmm. Bacon. I agree with fauxprof, bacon as bacon rocks. No need to have bacon flavored things.

    I'll confess to loving sea salt and vinegar kettle chips. Yum.

    Liver is only edible one way. (Insert however the hell one might eat it here). That's it. (No, it's not edible, but when I was young and working at a steak restaurant, there was one day a week when they served liver, and everyone had a different way of eating it, which they said was the Only Way.

    Regarding HOA, I'm with you. Nice to have some rules, but guess who had to pay for that idiots new new fence? We HOA members did. Grrr.

    YAY to no word verification! I hope it doesn't cause undue suffering.

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  9. j@jj--And therein lies only one of the problems with HOAs. Why is there always a Catch? So annoying.

    fauxprof--I am a huge fan of liver, but I share your basic sentiment as it is with salmon. Whatever you said about liver, just substitute "salmon" in my case.

    Regarding bacon, you were not yet a DoN reader when I aired out my Considerable Baggage with that comestible, and I will spare everyone, but I fundamentally concur with you here also, albeit adding bacon to burgers is something I cannot abide. BLTs are very nice, and I think that is the all-time best use of bacon. Perhaps it is the Acme Of Bacon Implementation. My sons and husband are bacon fans and do not understand me at all, but delight in the fact that my oddity results in more bacon for them.

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  10. Nance,

    I have absolutely NOTHING to add to this discussion.

    I am writing only to test out the No Word Ver.that you have recently introduced to your wonderful site.

    No more fuzzy letters running together as if they had melted in a blast furnace? No more house numbers blurred with vasoline?

    So, Okay, here goes.I can't wait to have my comment printed without having to spend 15 minutes guessing whether I should enter SGYNOUER 85 or is it SGYMOUAR 83.

    P.S. Of course, we did not get the Senatorial Debate here, so tell me, how did Senator Sherrod Brown do?

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  11. @Nancy: my opinion? Sherrod Brown ruled! Mandel kept reverting to his empty campaign rhetoric, and had nothing substantive to say.

    (Curse autocorrect on the iPad--luckily, I caught that it tried to substitute "Mandela" for "Mandel". Talk about irony!)

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  12. Nancy--You (and others) can give a tip of your hats to Bug for my recent dumping of word ver. She was kind enough to give me some feedback on how she does things over at her place. So far, it's working out okay here.

    I'll second fauxprof's summary of Sen. Sherrod Brown's debate performance. To his credit, he has admitted--in very straightforward and civil tone--that he has no respect for Mandel (in an interview on Cleveland news) due to his serial untruthfulness and conduct in the campaign. This did not stop him from conducting himself with what I thought was civility and Senatorial mien.

    And thank you for calling my site wonderful. I try to make it at least terrific. LOL.

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  13. Nance and Fauxprof,

    Thank you both for the good report on Senator Sherrod Brown's performance in the Senatorial debate.

    I admire him very much and will watch with great interest his success on Election Day.

    We have a young woman here in Pennsylvania who is running for Congress for the first time. She was going door to door on Sunday and stopped at my house.

    She introduced herself and gave me a few brochures about her experience and family and as she was leaving I said," Good luck. I hope both you and President Obama win." She looked at me,smiled, and said,"Oh,he'll win,all right. He's going in on my coattails."

    That's my kind of woman.....

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  14. Oh happy day!

    I can't tell you how happy I am that you dumped the old word verification setup. It well and truly kept me from commenting, as I completely agree with Nancy about my ability to guess what the word-ver might be.

    I always enjoy your blog, and often have something to say (or avocado prices to brag about) but just couldn't bring myself to write something fun or snarky and then worry about whether I would actually be able to add it to the fray.

    Thank you from a loyal reader!

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  15. Laff--Oh, I did it just for you. XXOO.

    But even if I didn't, I'm just happy to have you back. Hooray!

    Nancy--She sounds like a woman who you'd want in (or out of) Your Binder.

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Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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