The List

We've been together over 6 months now, so I feel like I can share this with you. You know plenty about me already. I've shared lots of other things with you, so why not this? Who knows? You may even have one of your own and admit to it in the Comments. Perhaps you'll even share yours with all of us.

It's my List of Women I'd Do if I Were Gay.

The original idea of The List was born over 10 years ago during a getaway weekend vacation. There were about 5 of us at a Virginia ski resort condo; it was a mini-reunion and we had all come from our faraway homes, not having seen each other in years. Conversation started on our favorite topic of the time, Daniel Day-Lewis. Then it moved on to other men in film and which ones we'd consider sleeping with. Then...well...naturally, several bottles of wine were consumed along the way, and the conversation evolved from there. That particular List was a group effort: it was a complicated snarl of veto powers and 4/5 majority votes and such, but it was an incredible catalog of lovely women who were as fiercely defended as if we had been wearing chain mail and a coat of arms, let me tell you. I don't recall who retained custody of that particular List (perhaps Emily of Houston, Texas), but I wish I had a copy because I don't remember who was on it except that I think I started lobbying for Michelle Pfeiffer and lost because "she has that weird upper lip thing going on at the corners."

**This might be the exact critical moment to affirm, once and for all, the unflinchingly heterosexual status of not only me, but all of the women on that vacation. Really.**

Anyway, the idea of The List has been a great boon to listless afternoons in the lounge and boring parties. I urge you to develop yours immediately. Don't feel you need to confine it to film or television persons alone--branch out to other avenues as well. Develop an eclectic List including dead celebrities (with the stipulation, of course, that they be alive for the deed!), and don't overlook the arenas of sports and music. Look at your List as a fluid document and ring changes upon it capriciously! And publicly, if possible! For example, if you really thought Jessica Alba looked hot at the Oscars on Sunday night, say aloud to someone at the office copier tomorrow, "Boy! That Jessica Alba! That gold dress she wore to the Oscars vaulted her right to the top of my List!" And guys, you should feel absolutely no compunction about formulating your own Lists. That is the hallmark of self-actualization and shows that you are secure in your own manhood. It will be liberating for you to say at the next production meeting, "I just cannot get behind Keith Urban's stripey new highlights. I bet Nicole Kidman is mortified. He has just plummeted on my List."

Having said all of that, it's time to share with you:

Nance's List of Women I'd Do If I Were Gay
1. Charlize Theron
2. Sophie Marceau
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Vivien Leigh
5. Mariska Hargitay

That's my top 5 as of right now. Old Vivien has been on there forever, and Charlize has been in the top spot for a long time now. I haven't kicked around my List in a long time. Usually, my buddy Sue and I bring up The List when we get bored in the teachers' lounge and I try to get her to move Catherine Zeta-Jones out of her top spot (how cliche! that chick is on everyone's List!) . Sometimes, Roger comes in and we badger him about his List. Technically, he doesn't have one, other than the one I maintain for him. Once, I pissed him off by putting Beck on his List. He doesn't fight me about George Clooney at all, though.

Once you start your own List, share it with me in the comments. If you're not feeling self-actualized, you can be anonymous. It's okay. And I'll keep you posted on any changes in mine.