On to today's word, which is Diplomatic.
As a Teacher in a large (2100+), urban public high school, I had a great deal of practice with this word. Not only did I have to practice being Diplomatic with students, but more often, I had to exert an enormous amount of Diplomacy with their parents. Parental Contact was the number one mantra at our school, and to talk to the principals, you'd think it was the panacea for all concerns. Every single problem taken to a higher-up that involved a student was met with, "Did you talk to the parent?" Tardiness, cell phone usage, failing performance, violent behaviour, absenteeism, missing work, you name it, a call to the parent had to be the First Line Of Defense. Many times, the parents were baffled as to their student's behaviour, and many times my Diplomacy was put to the test, especially at conferences when I was face to face with parents, step-parents, grandparents, legal guardians, and/or probation/parole officers.
I will say that my Usual Way is always to be Straightforward and Honest. I'm naturally Direct, and that can sometimes come across as bitchy or mean. Of course, this is largely because I am a woman. If I were a man, it would be a non-issue.
It is not, however, difficult to temper Honesty and Directness with Kindness. It took me a little bit of time to discover that, and I think that was due to being a small woman in a tough school. It was important for me to establish my authority and learn how to command a room, to keep order and convey my expertise in the subject matter (along with my passion).
But, after all, isn't being Diplomatic simply being Kind? Diplomacy is "handling people and situations so as to cause no feelings of ill will." It's the reason I used to bring in tubs of crackers, cookies, and granola bars for everyone in my class to share even though I was really making sure that the four or five kids I knew were going hungry would get something to eat.
Perhaps Kindness is Diplomacy With Heart:
"This haircut is terrible. I'm really unhappy with it," says your friend.
Diplomat says, "I'm sorry you're unhappy. What don't you like about it?"
Kind says, "Oh no! You're beautiful and I'll help you fix whatever you don't like."
What do you think?
Kindness is Diplomacy With Heart - I like that very much!
ReplyDeleteWhat's been missing on store shelves is very random. The laundry detergent I use has seemingly disappeared. And God only knows what's going on at our local CVS - many shelves are bare; again most random items.
Gigi--Thanks, I like it too.
DeleteI've noticed odd shortages lately as well. Sometimes, it sabotages my menu planning. And I truly dislike running from one store to the next.
Dee--The closest Trader Joe's is about 35 minutes away, and I have to park in a parking garage. It's part of a "Lifestyle Centre" now, and I lament that often. I used to love going there every so often, back when it had a nice big parking lot, and now I've crossed it off my list.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about your Biscoff cookie shortage, but I do know we're suffering from a chutney shortage. I can't find it anywhere and my husband is distraught. I'd say that kindness is one variable in diplomacy, but a desire to get to the truth in a non-threatening way is foremost. Of course sometimes the truth is merely accepting neutrality between parties is the best you can do.
ReplyDeleteAlly Bean--I can't speak to your chutney shortage. It's not something we use, so I don't notice it on the shelf.
DeleteWhenever many of us hear the term Diplomatic or Diplomacy, we often think in terms of international relations. Being Diplomatic is often finding a way to tell the truth without giving offense. I remember a quote from the story "By the Waters of Babylon" by Stephen Vincent Benet: "Truth is a hard deer to hunt. If you eat too much truth at once, you could die of the truth." Love that quote and love the story.
Try Amazon for Biscoff cookies. You might have buy more than one package but they had them two weeks ago when I ordered some.
ReplyDeleteJean--I did shop Amazon. I'd rather not buy so many at once, but if my local store doesn't get some soon, I may have to resort to being a Biscoff Hoarder. Nice to see you here! So glad you're back to your routine.
DeleteIf I thought the haircut looked good and was becoming, I’d probably go for the first option and I’d say how good I thought it looked on her.
ReplyDeleteBut if I thought it looked bad or so so, I’d do the 2nd option.
Mary--It's tough with a beloved friend. Often, they expect honesty from us, and I weigh that with the fact that, hey, it's hair and it's going to grow out. Besides, they're not going to get it cut like that again if they really hated it, so why put them through any more angst? With me, especially, hair is always a minefield.
DeleteThought and shopping provoking post - I have never had Biscoffs.
ReplyDeleteI was amused at some of the school comments. No where is diplomacy needed more, but your kindness is much better. My daughter, the career diplomat, is the bluntest and most logical person I know. It has always fascinated me that she has gone from strength to strength and promotion to even more prestige. It is certainly not what I expected.
Can I throw the word 'empathy' in here?
After I redirect the Arctic air flow, that is. I hope you are happier today.
There are more orphaned lines from songs popping up in my mind today. Something about 'the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein'. I think you have to have that to be a good teacher, plus, yes, toughness. And often being tough is the kindest and most caring thing to do.So, maybe that explains the daughter in part, at any rate.
What I consider to be diplomacy at its best can be found in the career of Lester Pearson. Canadian diplomat, just post WWII. Quite a man.
Mary--Your daughter is quite the woman. How proud you must (rightly) be of her!
DeleteThank you for your kind attention to the Weather Matter. Our temperatures moderated, and I can go out to the car, trash cans, etc. without gasping and having my face contract and chap. I should have brought it to your notice much sooner.
I love the term Orphaned Lines. Mine are rarely from music, however; more often than not, mine are from literature I taught for decades since I have so much of that stuff practically memorized. That's why that line from the Stephen Vincent Benet story sprung to mind in my response to Ally, above. Bigger brains than mine have said things so beautifully and well, so why not bring them to bear when I can?
Biscoff! I found two packages yesterday at Target--or rather my very tall husband did. I did a bit of research and discovered that they carried them, so off we went. We got to the cookie aisle, and saw...NONE. But since he can see well into the uppermost shelves, he spied two packages scooted waaaay back and pulled them out for me. I am elated.
Finally, yes, Empathy. It seems in short supply among the powerful, often, though I do not speak of our current president when I say so.
Oh yes, fragments of poetry and prose float around in my brain too - recollected in tranquility. perhaps. I do not think that 'orphaned lines' is original to me. Very little is, in fact, as you so rightly point out about a stuffed brain.
DeleteI will take my grandkid shopping in her thick soled boots and the top shelves will be ours! Great idea. Tall relatives on call, as needed. I Have to find these treats.
Oof - I struggle with putting the kindness spin on the Truths that I feel compelled to impart (whether anyone wants to hear them or not). It's too bad that real life isn't like sending an email. When I'm emailing someone I start off with the business at hand, then I reread it & add in the kindness. But it's not my default position.
ReplyDeleteThe national weather people may not have been talking about you guys, but I definitely noticed & was thinking about you! Brrr!!!
Bug--What an excellent point, that Truth should be like sending an email: Start with the business, then add in the kindness. Maybe if people waited, like the old adage of counting to ten when they're angry, they could compose their Truth With Kindness. Ah, in a Perfect World, right?
DeleteKindness Is My Default is my mantra, and it's not always easy. (Much easier because I'm retired, I'm sure.)
Thank you for noticing us and thinking about us during our cold weather. We miss you suffering with us. LOL (No, not true. We're always glad when someone escapes.)
Winter weather has sucked around here, too. Last week we spent the entire week with below freezing temperatures and every possible kind of precipitation, but mostly involving ICE: Freezing rain, freezing drizzle, sleet, ice pellets, snow pellets. Every single day the uni decided late at night if they were going to have 'remote learning' the next day. Sheesh! On Monday (the 1st day of Ice Apocalypse), they didn't let us leave until 3 p.m. -- Fortunately, I asked Mr. O. to be my driver that day. It took him 2 hours for a 45 minute commute to get to campus to pick me up in the afternoon. Ice was already an inch think on the freeways--- cars slip-sliding on freeway ramps, overturned trucks, some roads completely closed off, and ice literally falling from the sky. We got home via surface roads, which was still scary. This continued for the entire week. The ice layers on roads just kept getting thicker, eventually with black ice. Literally locked in at home for 5 days. Good job I got supplies in on Sunday, lol. —OK, enough of our weather, which is nothing compared to the horrors up your way.
ReplyDeleteDiplomacy and kindness — Yes, I think they do go together, depending on the circumstances. When I taught high school, we had to deal with helicopter parents all the time. This was at a fancy-pants all girls private Catholic school. Competition for a GPA that was even a tenth of one percent higher was fierce. The parents *all* wanted their daughters to get into big name schools after graduating. My technique was straightforward diplomatic with the parents. With the students, as with my college students now, I have been using more and more kindness (while still maintaining standards) added to diplomacy. It's hard when some students are just 'entitled' lazy sh*ts who think you owe them everything because they are paying tuition (with financial aid in many cases, lol.) But, yeah, after reading your example with the bad haircut, I have to say that I generally use a combination of both: "Well, I did give you an extended deadline on this assignment, but I completely understand that you are working part time, going to school, and caring for younger siblings. It must be very difficult to balance it all out. Do you think you could get it done by Friday? —The response is usually a huge sigh of relief and a lot of gratitude. And most of the time, they do get it done. So there's that. I have a drawer full of thank-you notes to attest to that. You can't beat kindness.
Ortizzle--Your weather conditions are horrendous. Ice is so dangerous, and I know you're not truly prepared for it as we are. In NEO we bitch and sigh and get out all the equipment to deal with it, and we hope that by June it will truly all be over.
DeleteSometimes, I wonder which parents are worse, the Academic Point Grubbers or the I Pay Your Salary As A Taxpayers. I had them both. As you said, the competition was almost violent. Add in the parents of athletes (all of whom were going to turn pro, of course), and calm diplomacy was all I could use. You and I would agree that they could never pay teachers enough until we make what the average CEO of a Fortune 500 company makes. Especially now. And we both know why.
Your example of kindness in the classroom is terrific. So many of today's students are facing incredible circumstances, even in the K-12 grades. I know my eyes were opened hundreds of times over my 30+ year career as to what my students were going home to, coming from, or overcoming. Compassion, kindness...being a human. As you say, you can't beat it.
I'm sorry your weather has been so crummy. Come for a getaway to California?
ReplyDeleteI like your take on Diplomacy. Straightforward truth, delivered with kindness.
If you email me your address, I will happily mail you some biscoff cookies. (My yahoo address that you have used before, I don't know how to check my Gmail address anymore.)
J--You are a good friend. I'm happy to say I found my Biscoff, or rather, Rick found them. I discovered that Target stocked them, so we made a pilgrimage. At first, I was devastated; the top shelf where they were supposed to be looked empty! But because he is so very tall, he saw some way in the back and grabbed them for me, two packages. Hooray!
DeleteI'd love a getaway to someplace with some warmth and sun, but now is not the best time. And airfare is ridiculous. Of course, airfare is often ridiculous and not looking to moderate any time soon.
I've lost track of your weather lately. I do hope it's been pleasant for you. California certainly deserves it.
Diplomacy is such a critical life skill. Not enough people exercise it. Even without the kindness added it. I know I appreciate the reminder from you.
ReplyDeleteI had an exchange with one of the front desk folks at my doctor's office today. I was calling because my credit card had been charged even though the claim had not yet been submitted to my secondary insurance. I am sure that the person I spoke with felt that she was being diplomatic by telling me that the charge could not be from their office as they had not received an explanation of benefits and not calling me stupid. LOL She repeated this info to me multiple times and stated that it could only be a charge from the lab for the lab work done at my visit. I was the one who ended up being diplomatic and kind in my opinion because I decided to let her off the hook until their office received the explanation of benefits. The fact is that credit card charge was definitely a charge from their office as the amount matched exactly the amount that Medicare did not pay for my office visit.
Your example with the haircut was a good one. I feel like I'm somewhere between diplomatic and kind with friends when such situations occur. Whatever I am, it seems to work with my friends.
What an incredible human being you were in your teaching job, Nance. I sincerely hope there are many teachers today who are looking out for their students the way you did. Honestly, the struggles that both teachers and students face are beyond what I can imagine. Or want to.
Shirley--Thank you for such kind words regarding my teaching days. I'm proud to say that I was one of many such teachers in my building. We had a very diverse clientele, from brilliant and privileged gifted students to abjectly disadvantaged kids who came from homes that you or I could not imagine. And every degree in between. I'd like to think that now, precisely because of the shared struggles they face, there are even more teachers who are looking out for their students.
DeleteI completely understand your situation with your doctor's office. I have no idea why doctors' staff are such rigid and unreasonable gatekeepers, but they are. I have found this to be true across the board, and I have actually quit one doctor because of his awful staff and told him so. At that point diplomacy was out the window, and I could muster only a modicum of kindness.
I think, in large part, people need to get over their selfishness, and being diplomatic is part of that. Considering how your words may make others feel is important. I feel that being honest is always the right thing in matters of importance, but again, tempering it with kindness/empathy is just as important. I know you are the same.
Well, I'm confused - I commented days ago and now I can't find it. Hmpf. I wonder what went wrong. Sorry bout that. Anyway, as I was trying to say . . . I think my sisters dislike my straightforward approach. I swear I'm not unkind, but they subscribe to the LET'S WHISPER ABOUT THIS LATER mentality. I often write things out, if I have the option, in order to see if it is too harsh. I think diplomacy and kindness can go hand in hand. I love your method of supplying the whole class with snacks, just to cover all the bases. Very considerate.
ReplyDeleteErnie--I'm confused, too. I checked Spam in Comments, and it wasn't there. A glitch in the matrix, I suppose.
DeleteIn my family I'm the most direct as well. I'm sort of the middle (older sister, younger sister, and The Son, who is in a class unto himself as The Only Boy), and I finally found my voice after escaped. It was an easy decision to start using it and stick up for myself in all situations since I'd already lived through not doing so.
Perhaps you've learned to be brisk and straightforward even more now that you have a large and busy family and a thriving home business. You don't have time for pussyfooting around. If you want to have a life, you have to be an efficient manager and communicate clearly and effectively. I get it.
Some people don't want to see the kindness inherent in what we do; they're just there to find fault no matter what.
Sorry about your cookie situation; I've not heard of a shortage, but again, I don't usually know what's happening 'out there'. Did you try World Market? Do you have one? They usually have a great variety of cookies/sweets.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how diplomatic you'd have to be as a teacher, especially when dealing with older kids and their guardians. I bow down to all teachers.
On the haircut situation, I like to think I'd be a combo of both kind and diplomatic? I might even try to remedy the situation with myself by dusting off my hair shears.
Suz--My cookie situation is remedied, thanks to Target. Crisis Averted.
DeleteI cannot tell you how many times Rick has pulled out his barber scissors and tried to remedy a few of my haircut adventures. His line is always, "Well, I think you look nice, but if you tell me where to cut, I'll do whatever you want." Thankfully, that hasn't happened in a long, long time.
(Fingers crossed--I'm off to get a haircut today!)
Did you find your Biscoff cookies yet? There are plenty in this neck of the woods, but if you are desperate, I do suggest Amazon. That's where I found Sriracha!
ReplyDeleteVera--Yes, I did. I found them at Target, thank goodness. They are still absent from my grocery store, oddly enough, and I wonder if they'll ever come back.
Delete