I'm not even going to pretend that this week's Sentence has the potential to Change Your Life. It's so shopworn, so banal, so BeenThereDoneThat as to have formed the basis of innumerable Talks and Lectures given to not only Me, but my three siblings hundreds and hundreds of times Way Back When. The speaker was my father, to whom Character Building was not only the World's Noblest Pursuit, it was also the one in which we should become the most proficient. By the time I was about fourteen, there was nothing I hated more than Character Building, unless it was perhaps Building Character.
Here is Life-Changing Sentence Number Three (as I suffer a few shuddery flashbacks):
You learn more from failure than from success; don’t let it stop you. Failure builds character.
Okay, first of all, it's not A sentence; it's two. And it's way too long and wordy to be truly successful as a life-changing mantra or a motto. It's like they crammed three separate ideas into one:
You learn more from failure than from success!
Don't let failure stop you! (And isn't this implied in the first saying?)
Failure builds character!
(I added all those exclamation marks to keep myself from falling asleep.)
By now I want to remind a lot of people that, whilst many do, in fact, learn from Failure, a huge percentage of people do not. They go on to repeat the same mistakes, hoping for a different outcome and creating collateral damage along the way. The jails are full of Failing People, the schools are full of Failing People, the court system is full of Failing People, the republican party is full of Failing People, and hell--my grocery store was full of Failing People today who continued to leave their carts in the middle of the aisle whilst they wandered all around and gathered their items. I push their carts along, adding a few things I want them to have when they're not looking. Do they learn? No.
It is also clear to see that the Failure of the republican party to keep their majority in the House of Representatives taught them nothing at all. Nor did it seem to build any Character.
Aside from the nitpicky or the obvious, this Sentence is okay at best. Lots of valuable information can be learned from Failures IF you choose to analyze your mistakes, own them, and correct them. And you can Build Character by being humble and learning where your weaknesses are and, if necessary, asking for help. But while this Sentence is generic and general, it's also potentially plain wrong.
I learned a lot from my Successes in several arenas such as teaching, writing, parenting. In some cases, I learned more from Successes than Failures. Not everyone has to fail in order to learn a great deal or a powerful lesson. Many times I found that piling up Successes taught my students more and was more helpful for them personally and emotionally. (That, my friends, helps Build Character!)
I learned an endless amount about Life And Other Things from my father. I still call up his wisdom to this day. Things he told me for the forty-one years I had with him occur to me far more often than I could ever have imagined. But after many of his lectures about Character or Character-Building, all I ever felt was exhausted and angry.
Here's the thing: sometimes, Failure should stop you. If you aren't good at something and it makes you miserable, stop it immediately. Go do Something Else. And not everything can be about Building Character. Sometimes lousy stuff is just Stuff You Have To Get Through and your Character is already fine with or without it. Not everything has to mean something. Nor will it.
I think I would have felt way better if I had been told that and been given a big hug.
So here is "Sentence" #3 again: You learn more from failure than from success; don’t let it stop you. Failure builds character.
Did this "give you the power to go on" or "change your life for the better" as the article promised? Let's talk about it in Comments.
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Nance these essays are so powerful to me. My father worked for a millionaire, W. Clement Stone. HE wrote the power of positive thinking. We were not allowed to say CANT, Fail. or anything remotely honest like that. I think the ways we were punished left scars that are hard to heal. I too learn from successes. My father refuses to acknowledge mental illness. HE feels you can think your way out of anything. Funny how that didn't work for my mom who was so anxious and died of dementia. Here's what I feel: blog pals can be super supportive . we take the time to comment and it develops into support. Having had depression for many years, I know it is real and i know meds work for me. It doesnt make me a failure. Or anyone else. Thanks Nance . Im learning a lot from your insight
ReplyDeletekathy b--Thank you so much for your kind and personal comment. I'm glad to know that my posts here are meaningful.
DeleteI honestly think parents overall do the best they can and have the best of intentions. They are individual people first, and sometimes they can't see past their own hardwiring to recognize the fact that their children are individual people too, not merely little Mold-A-Clones. It's very like an artist trying to create a piece and watching it come out differently than the vision in her head, no matter how hard she tries. She puts in the effort, but her talents may not be up to it, or the medium simply will not do what she wants it to.
Mental Illness all across its spectrum is still terribly stigmatized, even after so many celebrities and professional athletes have come out with their own struggles. And still others, like your father, think that psychology is junk science and that people are merely weak or need to "pull themselves up by their own bootstraps." Or people spout platitudes like "God never gives us more than we can handle", which is really maddening, considering the numbers of people in mental wards or institutions, or worse, the troubled people who shoot up schools or workplaces. Was that how they "handled it"?
I'm glad you comment here, and I'll always respond. I love the community we have. You're supported here!
I suppose failure COULD teach you something IF you accepted YOUR responsibility in the failure. Sadly, most people blame their failure on anyone or thing BUT themselves. So, no ......failure doesn't usually teach anyone anything.
ReplyDeleteDoes it build character? No -------for the same reasons. It builds weakness and irresponsibility in a lot of cases.
Dee--I agree. Failure can be a constructive exercise if you look at it correctly. But your point about Blaming is the key.
DeleteI've had a lot of people tell me how Lucky I am that I had such a good job, long career, have a great husband, nice home, etc. Um...no! I planned, worked, really put in the effort to get those things! I think a great deal of people have no grasp of Putting In The Work--for anything--period. They think Luck is the guiding factor in Life.
P.S. The Power of Positive Thinking was written by Norman Vincent Peale.
ReplyDeleteYes. W. Clement Stone wrote Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude.
Delete"I push their carts along, adding a few things I want them to have when they're not looking." Is this true? I laughed out loud for at least thirty seconds, imagining you slipping things into temporarily-abandoned carts.
ReplyDeleteMikey--Sadly, this is true. I only recently started doing this in a fit of Pique. Yesterday's offender was the recipient of a can of cherry pie filling, a large box of Kosher salt, a jar of marshmallow fluff, and a jar of beef boullion soup starter. I wished we were in the Closeouts aisle instead because the stuff there is so much more random and goofy, like rooster statues and pictures of barns and Boston terriers.
DeleteWords cannot express how much I love this.
DeleteMikey - I feel the same way - I told Dr. M that Nance was guerrilla shopping for people. Ha!
DeleteBug--Oh, if only I could GORILLA shop for those people. Now that would be so much more effective!
DeleteHAHAHA!
DeleteWe are truly kindred spirits, as I have been known to assist others with their shopping as you do. It's the least I can do to help.
ReplyDeleteI think if you learn from your failures, fine, but I agree - many/most do not, and as Dee says, tons of people always blame others. So I'm sorry to tell you that this did not change my life.
However, I do remember as a child, whenever I would play a game with my father, he would almost always win. Once I heard my mother ask him, "Why don't you let her win, she's just a little kid," and my father responded, "If she doesn't learn how to lose, she'll never be a good winner." *That* made/makes a difference in how I think, still to this day.
Bridget--I find that there are far more Practical Things, like tips, which have changed my life. I will do a post about those sometime soon, I think, so start thinking of them and save them for later.
DeleteIn a way, your father did teach you to learn from Failure. Are you a gracious Winner now, after losing so frequently to your father?
My father almost never played games with any of us four kids. He played baseball with my brother, but I don't count that. There was one card game he played maybe three times with us, and we all still remember it. It was called Donkey, and I have zero memory of any of the rules or even how you win, but I do remember all of us laughing and laughing and having the time of our lives with Dad playing too.
My brother used to say the "builds character' line all the time---and still does, I'm just no around him as much. Irritated me when we were kids and still does.
ReplyDeleteJean--It's a very cliche and unhelpful line, to be sure. It can be used as a weapon, even, when used cruelly and unsympathetically.
DeleteCertainly Building (Good) Character is a worthy and valuable effort. Heaven knows we could use some Better Character in our own government at present. But Good Character doesn't have to come from Failure and Negative Situations only.
Regarding the ‘power of failure to build character’ … if failure is such a great character builder, why have so many millennials been raised in an environment that sweeps failure under the proverbial carpet? e.g., getting trophies just for being a member of a team (but not because you excelled at anything or got first place in a contest?) I find that the whole ‘everybody gets a prize’ mentality sets unrealistic expectations and has created an entire generation of entitled young adults who think someone is always going to wipe their butts when stuff goes wrong. Conclusion: failure does not build character; it does need to be recognized and owned. Hanging a blue ribbon on it and calling it ‘success’ is absurd. (I deal with this absurdity on a daily basis; I am sure you can commiserate from your teaching days, lol!)
ReplyDeleteFilling grocery carts with random items: you may have started a movement, Nance. I am so going to do that the next time I see an orphaned shopping cart blocking the aisle. Too funny. Have you ever glanced back later to see the reaction of the Cart Offender?!
P.S.— I realize that not getting a prize or trophy is not necessarily an indication of failure. What I meant to say is that success should be genuine success, and not 'fake success.'
ReplyDeleteOrtizzle--You may have successfully argued the side bolstering the Sentence. Many would argue that the millennial's (and generation Z's) sense of entitlement stems from NOT having had any Character Building Failures. Instead, they have all had Artificial Successes--not a Failure in the bunch. So much Artificially High Self-Esteem! The Selfie Generation is not really looking at themselves, just looking at others looking at them. Of course there are exceptions, and those will perhaps save us all.
DeleteRE: Cart filling. NEVER GLANCE BACK! EVER. Continue on, gracefully gliding with Innocence and Purpose. If you are caught (and I never have been--YET), simply say, "Oh my! So sorry. I thought it was my own cart! How silly of me," and retrieve the item(s). Up to you if you mention that the cart was there all alone.
Ha, ha! Not my intention to argue on the side of failure building character. I got sidetracked with the 'fake success thing.' i.e., not getting a prize is not failure, but *getting one you do not deserve* is ... just wrong. (I think I need to sign off because I am turning my argument into a pretzel here, lol.)
DeleteOrtizzle--Hee hee! Now I'm thinking about pretzels.
DeleteI don't believe one learns more from failure than success. In fact, I'm not sure we learn ANYTHING from failure because we almost always refuse to acknowledge our roles in the failure. So failure teaches us to blame our own faults on something or someone else. It clearly follows that I do not believe failure builds character either. Far too often the lessons we learn from failure are the wrong ones and tend to hinder our future successes.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. I'm beginning to sound like the old lady who yells at the children to get off her lawn. Perhaps I spent too many years in administration, having to inform poor performers that they are, in fact, failing at their jobs. I never once suggested it would build character. My line was something similar to: "You don't seem to be happy in this job and that is leading to an unacceptable performance. Your deserve to find some other position that will make you happy and successful."
NCmountainwoman--You bring up the fact that sayings like these are so glib as to be largely unhelpful. As kathy b so eloquently shared, when people get locked into easy philosophies like this, they tend to lose sight of the fact that each person is an individual and responds to struggle and loss and failure in a different way. We have to accept our role in our failure in order to learn anything from it. And our acceptance has to be one of grace and readiness rather than pity and cataclysm. It's extremely difficult to accept personal failure. It often does, as you say, hinder future success, and many times it is because of emotional associations.
DeleteYour approach to addressing poor performances in staff is very skillful. It really allows the employee to address both suitability for the job and performance. By the time they got to you, I imagine they already knew they were in trouble. At least I hope they did.
I agree, how is #3 a sentence? Overlooking that issue, I wonder if we react to these words of wisdom about how to change our life quite differently than when we would have in our youth? I don’t even recall when I first encountered some of these ideas. I suppose this one might be enlightening if someone had been pressed to achieve perfection, or put that pressure on themselves as a necessity to be successful with no allowance for failures.
ReplyDeleteJoared--I think you make an excellent point. Like all advice or help, its value depends on where we are in Life when we receive it. Lots of us are in a place in our own lives where we have a great deal of experience and we can see the pitfalls of easy, generalized statements like these. But for some people, it may have that Ring Of Truth that contains just what they need to hear at that moment.
DeleteI feel like this (sentence, phrase, small paragraph) only works in a scientific setting. I can see Thomas Edison saying it. Although I'm not sure how true it is even then. I guess in science you learn something every time you fail, but I'm not sure that you learn MORE.
ReplyDeleteBug--I like that idea. Science for sure learns from failure. They test hypotheses, learn from the data, and move in directions because of that data. People, I suppose, learn from some failures. I learned that I hate ice skating, okra, and horror movies, but I didn't exactly fail in those situations, I guess. I just tried each one, did not like them, and decided not to try them again. ;-)
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