Tuesday, May 07, 2013

In Which I Present A New Poet, Envy My Hair Products, And Write Such A Lot Of Stuff

Did you ever have the sensation that nothing was happening in your life, yet you were very, very busy?  I'm feeling that way lately, and I have to tell you, it's all very odd.  Of course, these days, if I have anything to do, it seems like a big deal.

While I have a moment in my Big Honking Schedule, I thought I'd share a few Cranial Crumbs and tidy the space up a bit.

---|Google Is So Deep.  Sometimes, when I'm doing a little research, Google likes to wax poetic in order to give me some perspective and some spontaneous poetry.  For example, I was searching for something which began with the word "white." I got as far as wh, and Google began a poetry slam (punctuation is mine; line break is all Google):

white pages,
where's my refund?
what's the word,
white pages Ohio?

Wow.  This really identifies the urban angst that is Out There, in The Mean Streets.  Google really gets it.

I admit it.  I like to nudge Google and make my research queries in the form of a question.  I got this far in my most recent query and Google took it away:  "Why are m-":

why are manhole covers round?
why are my boobs sore?
why are my hands always cold?
why are my cookies always flat?

Why, indeed.

---|Kickoff!  I don't give a damn about football of any kind, but I got very excited about the Cleveland Browns first draft pick this year.  Why?  Only because he has the Best Name Ever.  BARKEVIOUS MINGO.  Oh, yes, say it over and over again.  How fantastic of a name is that?  I heard that name over a year ago and made a Solemn Vow to someday name something BarkeviousMingo, all together like that, because it is a kickass name.  He goes by a wimp-out nickname, KeKe, but not in this house.  He will always be BARKEVIOUS MINGO at the Dept.  The Browns did a great job in the Name Department.  They also drafted a Leon, a Jamoris, and an Armonty.  Nice work.

---|I'm Organic, At Least.  It occurred to me the other day that I would love to be my shampoo.  You probably would, too.  Just read the label.  I really want to be a "sensual and alluring blend."  Don't you want to "have great body and sparkle"?  Wouldn't you like to hear someone tell you that being with you is "rejuvenating"?  I sure would. 

---|'Tis The Season.  Friday was my birthday, and one of my best gifts was the weather.  I actually wore flipflops out in my yard and was able to garden.  Naturally, that is the only time I wear flipflops.  Sadly, I know that A) most teens have been wearing flipflops for months now, and B) most people wear flipflops to weddings, restaurants, funerals, and other public places.  I think my Original Point was, however, that the weather was warm enough that I could both garden and wear summer shoes.  Sigh.

---|Animal House.  Finally, just some general silliness.  Since Rick and I got rid of cable, we're forced to talk to one another more often.

Nance:  Where are you going?
Rick:  I'm gonna go change before dinner and before I jump in the shower.  I just feel gross.
Nance:  Into what?
Rick:  Huh?
Nance:  What are you going to change into?
Rick:  An elephant.
Nance:  What kind of elephant?
Rick:  A baby one.
Nance:  Oh, good.  How cute.
(Later, after dinner, Rick gets up.)
Rick:  Okay.  I'm gonna go grab that shower.
Nance:  Why not just use your trunk?

Go ahead.  Google that.

post header image found here


  1. I DID google it & the first article is someone asking for advice in case the police want to search his car. I have actually HAD the police search my car trunk before. Ok, it wasn't the police - it was a National Park guard of some sort. And it was on 9/11. In DC. So all kinds of things like "warrants" went right out the window. Where was I going with this? Oh yes, I'm going to go check out my shampoo bottle - if it's titillating enough I'll be back to share.

    P.S. Happy late birthday!

  2. Belated happy birthday, Nance! I enjoyed all your musings, but always love your conversations with Rick best. Thanks for sharing your world with us. Oh, and I seem to be in the "not much going on, but I sure am busy" group of late. What's up with that? ;-)


  3. Really? Really. Snort.

  4. Mary G.--Sigh. I know. But that's my life.

    Shirley--Thank you. It's strange, isn't it? Part of my issue is low motivation in the mornings, but my time is so elastic that if I have all day to do something, then that is how long it takes. And I am a putterer. Little things here and there get done, but it's hard to quantify what all I do. Oh well.

    Bug--Thanks. Do you allow Google to autocomplete your queries? That's where I get my "poetry". Once I start typing in the query box, Google takes over and offers several things I might be looking for. So, when I start typing the question I asked Rick, I get as far as "Why not ju" and here is my poem:
    Why not just print more money?
    Why not juice?
    Why not just make 10 louder?
    Why not just nuke North Korea?

    My shampoo--I alternate btw two, actually--label makes me feel inadequate as a woman. Like once anyone gets past my hair, it's all downhill from there. FYI: one is Organix Cherry Ginseng (thanks to Shirley for introducing me to that one) and the other is Pantene Volume for Fine hair. (Or something like that--they change it every week.)

  5. A Google search for "Dept. of Nance Blog" follows up with "Dept. of Homeland Security". Better watch it, Lady.

    Barkevious Mingo is an utterly delightful name. Sounds like a particularly eccentric wizard in Harry Potter's universe. If my reaction to football didn't waver between indifference and loathing, I'd watch the games just to hear that name. (I always thought Rocky Colavito would make a great cat name. Marmalade Tom, of course.)

  6. Barkevious? I just wish I could have been around for the discussion as the proud and exhausted mother cuddled her little bundle and murmured tenderly, "Oh, darling, he's just perfect...we'll call him Barkevious."

    In our house, we always refer to 'The Artist Formerly Known as Prince' as 'The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.' No abbreviations. We figure he'd want it that way.

  7. Anonymous9:13 AM

    Nothing better than the randomness of a Google search. Existential + practical all on one page.

    Love your conversation with Rick. Sounds about as loopy as the ones I have with my husband, although we still have cable. Wonder how much farther down the conversational rabbit hole we'll go if we ever get rid of the cable?

  8. Ally--I do love The Google. It always brings me something new.

    We became "cord cutters" very recently. It just seemed silly to be paying so much for TV that we watched only a few hours a night. I never watch during the day, and when we looked at our viewing habits, we saw that we watched mainly network. So we got regular antennas (Mohu Leaf) and have not missed cable in the least. I know our checkbook hasn't.

    MsCaroline--Oh, we refer to him as such also. And we add that tag to a lot of other people as well, such as The Neighbor Formerly Known As, The Child Formerly Known As, The Mailman Formerly Known As, etc. It's like a sickness.

    fauxprof--I have a soft spot for Rocky Colavito too. KiKi Vandeweghe (sp), Orpheus Roy, and a few others. Deadspin does a bracket for unusual names every year. They are incredible. Barkevious won either last year or the year before.

  9. Happy belated Birthday!

    I will have you know that even as a native Southern Californian, I do NOT wear flip flops anywhere but to the beach.

    I am going to blame the penchant on inappropriate flip flop wearing on people that come here from somewhere else.

    Actually, now that I think about it, I had a friend who was originally from Michigan. When she moved here, she swore she was never going to wear closed-toe shoes again, and sure enough, I never saw her with them, even at her wedding!

  10. I'm with you on the flip flops. I wear mine to the pool, and occasionally to take out the garbage. That's it.

    Happy Belated birthday!

    Regarding The Bug's comment, above, one thing I saw when I was walking around Sausalito last Friday was police going through someone's trunk. I don't know why, as there did not appear to be a suspect/car owner in sight. I almost took a picture, but decided that perhaps that wouldn't be wise. They were throwing belongings on the ground. When I came back that way, the police were just pulling out, but all of the belongings were gone. Either put back into the trunk of the car or who knows what. It was a mystery to me what might be going on.

    I know this is a bit obvious, but BARKEVIOUS MINGO is clearly a dog name. I mean, it starts with BARK. Duh.

  11. j.@jj--You wished me a nice birthday on your blog, which blew me away. No reason to do it again, but thank you.

    Maybe one of the cops owned the car and was transferring some junk into the squad car. Maybe he was selling it!

    I was talking about the name BARKEVIOUS with Jared, and I said that I loved it so much that I just wanted to use it as a word. It has an adjectival suffix, so we can use it to modify nouns/pronouns. Let's think of what it would mean.

    Gina--Thank you. Your theory might have some substance. Around the upper midwest, we get so sick of freezing temperatures, that the moment it gets above 45, some people do bust out the shorts and sandals. Transplanted snowbirds probably do a lot of basking in Cali and Florida, revelling in warmer temps, wearing all kinds of inappropriate garb. What a shame that you have to deal with it year-round.

  12. After reading this, I had to check out my shampoo this morning. NOW I'M COMPLETELY ENVIOUS. My shampoo is super rich, super sophisticated (tells me it's super rich in 5 languages) and comes to me via Hawaii. Damn, that makes me mad.

  13. Of course, I looked up Barkevious on the Wiki, and apparently the name is a compound of the first 3 letters of his mother's first name, Barbara, and a name that she liked, "Kevious." For me, it has a certain "Miniver Chevious" ring to it. :-)

    I had a student this semester called *Kalipso Luna.* Unfortunately, her name eclipsed her performance.

  14. Ortizzle--LOL. Such a good pun.

    Last night, I humoured my mother and went to her old schoolhouse for a mother-daughter dinner/potluck. On the wall was a plaque with a list of the Lions Club "member of the month" or something. The first name--ORUS CRIPE. You have to love it.

    J@jj--See what I mean? Our shampoos have lives way beyond what we could ever dream of. I feel Vicarious Mingo about it. LOL.


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