Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Airing Of Grievances: An Early Festivus Celebration, Thanks To A Centipede In The Bathtub And David Gregory

Sunday nights are my traditional Soaky Bath Nights. I like to climb into a nice, hot tubby and just unwind and try not to think about another week at The Rock. Tonight, though, I pulled aside the shower curtain and got an unpleasant surprise. Skittering away from the light was a large, ugly thousand-legger. Uncharacteristically, I got all Girly and did one of those high-pitched in-the-throat screams that caused Jared to come running. He dispatched it immediately, and I got a quick idea for tonight's blogpost because seeing that hideous thing come crawling out from under its unknown hiding place made an immediate connection in my mind to another, one Rep. Joe Wilson (his poor mother!) on Wednesday evening, but I'll get to that.

It all started with yet another regrettable viewing of what passes for Meet the Press, but you and I know it is now just a thin shadow of that fine program. So, I'm channeling my inner Frank Costanza and invoking an early Festivus Tradition. To use his words: "The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!"

I'm starting with David Gregory. I know. I already broke up with him once. But it apparently didn't take. I keep tuning in to MTP hoping that things will change and that he will come back to me. They haven't and he won't. So, David Gregory, listen up. I've had it with you, once and for all. You have single-handedly destroyed Meet the Press with your obvious bias and your badgering and your rudeness. You keep asking the same questions over and over and over again because you already have in your cocoon the answer you want to hear. Do you know why you have so many panels on your show, David? It's because NO ONE WANTS TO DO YOUR SHOW. Today on MTP, David said this, "I was talking to some people about their concerns...." Oh, David. You and I both know that has to be bullshit. You don't know any "people." And anyone you know who has "concerns" places them under the heading of Where to find good help these days or Get a pool guy who has papers or New Blackberry time? Please.

Next up is a guest on MTP today, some guy named Joshua Cooper Ramo who wrote a book. Please do not run out and buy it because if what this guy said is any indication of its content, you will be wasting your hard-earned cash. Here is a massive quote from Mr. Ramo: "You've got to have some really imaginative approach here that says we're going to change what it means to be unemployed in America." Okay. Mr. JC Ramo, it's your turn. What the HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Will that be like calling housewives "domestic goddesses?" Are we talking semantics here? Shall we just use new terminology for unemployment in order to make all the people without jobs feel better, like when we stopped calling people "handicapped" and started calling them disabled, or for a while there, "physically challenged?" Or, hey! Let's call this massive unemployment "National Vacation!" How about "Employment Hiatus?" Is that better? Mr. Ramo, being unemployed in America means what it always means: Americans do not have jobs. Ergo, American families do not have sufficient health care, sufficient money to pay for gas, food, insurance, and other bills. Lying on your back and looking at cloud shapes for duckies and bunnies isn't going to make it any better. Good luck with those book sales.

And, holy crap, do not get me started with Erin Burnett, who once said on MTP when asked how the stock market might react to President Obama's latest whatever, "It may go up or it may go down. It all depends." Wow. See above comments re: Panel Guests.

Remember, I told you I'd get back to Rep. Joe Wilson, aka The Face/Voice of The republican Party. Where do I even begin? No matter how hard they look--and they still are--the republicans will never find precedent for the disrespectful display put on by a member of their party during the President's speech last week. Newt (I'm Suddenly Everywhere) Gingrich tried lobbing a softball on MTP by mentioning "hearing boos" directed at The Angel of Death back in 2005 or something, but come on! Rep. Wilson, I have a few things to take up with you, and I hope your poor mother will forgive me. Did any Democrat ever call out any President a liar to his face on the floor of Congress, ever? Did anyone, ever? Until last week, the answer was no. You know, it's not lost on me (nor any other Thinking Individual, I'm sure) that it was you republicans who made a big effing deal about This President not being respectful enough of The Office to wear a suit coat in the Oval! Now we've got you, a republican who thinks it's just fine to call out the President of the United States as a liar in front of both Houses of Congress, not apologize until his party leadership told him to, and maintains that he is done apologizing, so there. Is this really what you envisioned for yourself?

Finally, it amazes me that so many people are, in a word, insane and completely inhabiting an Alternate Universe. They are screaming at town halls and sending psychotic emails and pretending to be patriots--er, excuse me--Patriots at so-called "tea party events" at which they say things that sound positively surreal. For example, in one poll 39% of respondents believed that the government should stay out of Medicare. Huh? These people are the same people who are forgetting that the current president inherited a big effing mess. To all of those people, I have to say this: "While Bush was in office, the median household income declined, poverty increased, childhood poverty increased even more, and the number of Americans without health insurance spiked. By contrast, the country's condition improved on each of those measures during Bill Clinton's two terms, often substantially." That's not Socialism, Nazism, or any other -ism. That's from the US Census Bureau. No one can fix everything in a few months, and it's obvious that you are nuts. Period. Now get back on your little scooters that the government is paying for, be careful that you don't shoot yourselves with your guns you bought at WalMart, and go home. Stop listening to the radio and go back to listening to your police scanner and looking for UFOs. Aren't you missing "Wheel of Fortune" or something?

One of the traditions of Festivus is the Festivus Miracle. I'd like to see one; I really would. Here is my idea of a Festivus Miracle: The republicans have styled themselves as the Christian/God Party, yet they seem almost phobic about the idea of helping those less fortunate. They cringe at the idea of a public option in health care; they become incensed that an "illegal" might sneak into an emergency room and get stitches. Don't they know that reference in Matthew where Jesus reminds them that what they do for the least of their brothers, they do unto Him? I'd like to see the republicans remember that. Just once. That's My Festivus Miracle.


  1. All right, I'll take the plunge and be the first to comment. Here goes..

    I'm surprised you don't like Thousand Leggers. I do, and used to keep one as a pet. He lived in a little white box I fixed up for him.

    One day I called out to him."Hey, you want to go for a walk?" No Answer. I waited ten minutes and again asked,"Want to go for a walk?". No Answer. I waited a few more minutes and was just ready to knock on the top of the box when the lid flew off and the Thousand Legger shouted at me, " I heard you the first time. I'm getting my shoes on."

    Did you hear what Dave Letterman said about Rep. Joe Wilson the other night? He said," Maybe it's a good thing Congressman Wilson called out "You Lie" to the President. After all, it's been more than two weeks since a republican politician has embarrassed the people of South Carolina."

    You can take up Festivus and MTP with the more cerebral of your followers.

  2. Joe Wilson. One more reason for us to despise the current Republican party. One more giant spin job for Fox News and Talk Radio.

  3. Nancy, that joke was too cute. Well, both jokes, but esp the millipede one.

    Nance, I don't watch MTP, so I don't know your pain. But I've seen enough assholes going on about how scared they are, TERRIFIED, REALLY, because they're afraid this isn't going to be their America anymore. I have two thoughts.

    1. I suspect that most of them are racist, and it's like when the first black family moves into the neighborhood. Everyone is scared. Because you know, black people are so....scary. Remember the fist bump? Terrorist fist bump? Were Brandon and Steve on the original 90210 terrorists? I saw them do the bump a few times. Oh, wait, maybe they were terrorists. I'm not sure. But they were white, so how would we know?

    2. Not your America anymore? Welcome to it. That's exactly how I felt with W as Commander in Chief. And I'm sure how people of color feel EVERY FRICKING DAY OF THEIR LIVES. So shut up.

    Whew. I'm ready for a miracle, too, and I think yours is just dandy.

  4. Very well ranted, Nance! I especially like the penultimate paragraph.

    As for those many-legged critters, I was lying on the sofa a couple of weeks ago and saw one attempting to negotiate the family room CEILING! I had the same reaction you did. The ceiling has that sprayed-on cottage-cheese texture, and the darned thing was barely hanging on and sort of losing grip as it wriggled along. I just knew it was going to fall on me and I had no tool to remove it and put it outside. Eeeeeeewwwwwwwww!

  5. sputnik--Thank you. I try not to pick on "Senior Citizens" as a group, but in that case, I felt like I was focusing on a Fringe Element, you know? Now, when it comes to Bugs In General, I largely despise them all (except fireflies) and certainly the sneak attack by any of them. They have the whole Outdoors. I think I should be able to have my Indoors.

    j.@jj--I blame the republicans (and I readily admit that i almost always do, but in this case, i am more than justified). they have happily whipped up the fear--an old Bush Tactic a la 9/11--and let their God Of Oxycontin And Talk Radio be their mouthpiece for them on it all. Death Panels and all that bullshit comes straight from them. Calling Universal Health Care or a Public Option "Socialism" is entirely from them. The whole Birther thing is under their tacit approval. I completely agree that it is, for many people, racially motivated. I heard a lot of people openly remark that they were concerned that Obama would "give special treatment to blacks." Even some educated people were muttering about how South Africa overcompensated for apartheid by taking things away from white people and redistributing wealth to black people unfairly, and how "if we don't watch out, that's what will happen here under Obama." And I wholeheartedly share your sentiment in #2 of your comment!

    apathy had a video on their site today (I think it was them) showing someone asking Wilson to autograph a photo of him making his outburst to the president. When he was done signing the photo, Wilson gave the requesting person a "thumbs up." I wanted to vomit.

    Nancy--Oh, that's an OLD one! But I love that you are my "follower." I'd rather there were a far more idolizing term, but I guess that's okay. LOL.

  6. I can't believe some of what I am reading and hearing regarding how some Americans are behaving about the Obama presidency. Yuck! There has always been slime thrown, some more, some less, but this is the worst I have ever seen.
    I had never heard of Festivus. Where have I been? Lovely.

  7. When I read this post, Nance, I went Bravo! You are spot on, but I wish there wasn't all this crap for you to be spot on about. I just saw Joe Wilson smirking on the news a few minutes ago. He is a bottom feeder. I appreciate today's public rebuke, but wish there was more being done. Maybe that little button at the top of your sidebar will ensure there will be. When our house was first built, apparently we disturbed millions of millipededs. By July, they were all over our house on the outside and all over inside! It was like some horror movie. We sprayed the house and I vacuumed and vacuumed. Finally, we were going mad and left the house for about 8 hours and spent $1000 shopping. We called it our mad millipede weekend. Thankfully, we only see a few each year now.

    I don't know if you'll be able to stay away from MTP ... you'll keep hoping for that miracle.

    Some friends of ours in NC have a Festivus party every year. We were visiting them one year on the way to another friend's BD party and were invited along. It was a good time for sure.

    Well, I'm sure you heard that Carter came right out and said today that so much of what is happening in response to Obama is racism. With all we need to fix in this country, that's one thing we need to get beyond. Honestly, I can't believe how well he's handled all the public displays of pure crap towards him.


  8. Whew! Wiping my brow after feelin the HEAT! I love how you make me laugh and think at the same time. And the line about finding a pool guy with papers totally broke me up.

  9. GFE, do you think your shopping trip helped to get rid of the millipedes? Did you buy them cheap shoes? If so, I wonder what to buy roaches...

    Whatever works. I love that solution to the problem. ;)

  10. We do need a Festivus Miracle, because rational thinking seems to be taking a nosedive in this country. I was so upset the other day that I was shaking. I went to the post office and a table was set up outside with a picture of Obama with a Hitler moustache. The were collecting signatures to impeach him. I walked by and the two women had the nerve to say hi to me and smile! I yelled at them that they should be ashamed of themselves!

  11. My favorite latest news was about Joe Wilson's wife. She was watching it unfold on TV and when she heard someone call the President a liar, she didn't catch who said it. So she called her husband on the spot and asked him who it was. He told her he was the one who said it, and her reply was (and I paraphrase just a bit), "Very funny! No, really, who was it?" Even she couldn't believe he was that stupid.

    Did you know they met at Republican camp when they were teenagers? What kind of hell would that be and how much did their parents hate them...?

  12. Life--She said, "Joe, who's the nut who hollered out 'you lie?' And when he told me it was him, I said, 'No, really, who did it?' He's just so passionate." Sigh. Yeah, she can't believe he's so dumb, but goshdarnit, his heart's in the right place. Spin, spin, spin. But you can't blame them, I guess. Politics.

    Anali--I hope you did tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves although it clearly would have been moot. Those women demonstrated twice that the concept of shame is alien to them. I'm sorry that you had such a horrible experience. Truly.

    J@jj--I know, right? I am a huge fan of the Bug Bomb, which I would have used in concert with the Shopping Spree.

    V-Grrrl--Oh, hello. Making people think...I can't turn that off. It's a Teacher Thing.

    Shirley--You don't need an excuse for a party; I've figured that out about you by now, but it's nice that you and your colleagues have such good themes for them anyway. And you're exactly right: this Sunday the President is scheduled to be on MTP, so you know I will be watching. And so help me, if DAVID GREGORY DARES to step across the line, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY HERE AT THE DEPT.!

    Mary G--isn't it horrifying? One of the things I adore so vociferously about Canada is its overwhelming air of civility. Which reminds me, we are headed north very soon for a visit. Don't warn the authorities LOL!

  13. that bug was NOT that big. it was definitely gross though.

    thinking back, i think my favorite part was that i literally CAME RUNNING to dominate said bug. it also cracks me up that i decided it was a good idea to SHOW YOU THE DEAD BUG to try to make you feel better, instead causing you to yell again. funny stuff.

  14. JPD--A good rule is: Once you kill it, Mom does NOT need to see the bug. Might want to write that one down.


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