Monday, December 10, 2007

Three Views Of A Marriage Or Canonizing Rick

**Scene Opens**
Interior of Nance's new car. Rick is in the driver's seat, Nance in the passenger's. Time is recent past.

Nance: Rick! Did you have the brake on when you put the car into 'Drive'?
Rick: Um, I think so.
Nance: Well, you have to. You have to have the brake depressed to start the car. And to put it into 'Drive.'
Rick: Then I probably did.
Nance: (audible sigh) You know, you have to drive this differently. It's a hybrid.
Rick: I. Know.
(Some time elapses as they drive. Soon, Rick accelerates to pass someone on the highway.)
Nance: Rick! You can't just jam on the gas like that and go hurtling into traffic! This is a hybrid!You have to accelerate smoothly. It's part of the way the engine works to use fuel efficiently. This isn't your old Ford Ranger you know, where you just punch on the gas pedal like you're killing a cockroach.
Rick: Oh my God, Nance! Do you want to drive?
Nance: No. I just want you to drive my car properly, that's all. Apparently, that's a bit much to ask.
**End Scene**

**Scene Opens**
Interior, night. Rick and Nance are in bed. Time is a couple nights ago. Rick suddenly gets up and gets out of bed.

Nance: Where are you going?
Rick: I have to check to see if the back door is locked.
Nance: Well, do you have to fling back the covers like that? You uncover me, too, you know.
Rick: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Nance: Why must you leave a chair or a bed with such vehemence?
Rick: Huh?
Nance: Seriously. Even Emily notices it. When you get out of the recliner, you leave it rocking so violently that she--
Rick: (interrupting) Good God, Nance! Emily is a cat!
Nance: (calmly) I'm aware of that. That's why she can't help but notice. (pointedly) She's usually in it when you leave it heaving like some sort of cataclysmic geologic event!
Rick: I can't believe we're having this conversation.
Nance: Well, you started it.
Rick: How?!
Nance: By exposing me to the arctic blast of you leaving the bed with such violence.
Rick: Can I do anything right?
Nance: We'll find out when you get back in. Try not to uncover me.
**End scene**

**Scene Opens**
Exterior, day. Rick and Nance are in line at the Christmas tree farm. Time is Saturday. They are waiting to have their chosen tree put on the shaking machine, which rids the tree of all dead needles and detritus before it goes into nifty baling machine that wraps tree for transport home.

Rick: This is a pretty nice tree. And we found it in record time.
Nance: I know. I'm impressed. Usually, I'm more picky.
Rick: So, all we have to do now is take it home and put it up.
Nance: I just noticed something...
Rick: (in voice of doom) Oh no. What?
Nance: After they shake all the crap out of the tree, they lay it back down and drag it right through more crap to get it to the baler.
Rick: (relieved, then...) Yeah...they do. (worried now, he glances at her)
Nance: That's just stupid. It doesn't make any sense. Does it make any sense to you?
Rick: Um. No. I guess not.
Nance: So, basically, they are just shaking crap out, then putting crap back in.
Rick: (resignedly) Yep.
Nance: (thinking) Hmmmm.
Rick: It's our turn.
Nance: It just doesn't make any sense.
Rick: You already said that.
Nance: Oh well.
Rick: (face wreathed in relief) Let's go.
**End Scene**


  1. This sounds EXACTLY like some of the conversations I have had with my husband. It's eerie.

  2. I can just see that all taking place. Especially the third one.

  3. Haha, I'm already having similar conversations with my boyfriend of almost 4 years!

    Also, did I miss that you got a new car?

  4. What a chuckle I got out of this one...Thank you for sharing Nance...that made me end my night perfectly :)

    Arctic Blast...LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Your poor husband. I'm going to have Jason read this...maybe then he'll be more appreciative of me :)

    did you really go green with your vehicle?

  6. nina--what about poor ME? and yes, i did go green. we have a hybrid SUV.

    ab--(i deleted your comment because it contained some link info i think you may not have realized was there. that's the only reason.) regarding your actual comment: 3 miracles, huh? i think HE may think it is miraculous that he didn't say more than what he did.

    tera--see? be careful what you wish for. i know you know what i mean. LOL.

    jen--we got a new car in july. i didn't write about it yet. i'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that i had to buy a japanese car to get a hybrid SUV. there were no american SUV hybrids available anywhere for me to test drive. i tried so hard to buy american AND make a stand against dependency on foreign oil AND do what's best for our environment AND reduce my carbon footprint AND be a responsible consumer. in the end, i had to let one of those go.

    ih--what is it about that third one?

    mrs who--oh goodie! then it's not just ME!!!

  7. Our husbands are indeed some kind of saints, aren't they?

  8. I can't really relate to the first one too much (being a non-driver), and I don't want to picture the second one.

  9. I just realized Hubby and I have conversations like that... but the roles are reversed. :)

    Except for the flinging the covers part... I do not fling covers.

  10. Oh no, this sounds so like me. My poor hubs can never do anything right.

  11. My husband and I have some of our *best* (ahem) marital "discussions" in the car. He feels compelled to deliver a running commentary on the inferiority of other drivers on the roa and I me, crappy drivers are a fact of life and unless they do something especially egregious, they don't deserve commentary. I bet you're not surprised that I also can't stand sports commentators who just move their lips to hear the sound of their own voices, or worse, SHOUT ABOUT EVERYTHING. Shut.up.

    And my husband is also the tightly coiled spring of movement--snaps his head up off the pillow if he thinks he's heard a noise in the night, vaults out of bed when the alarm goes off as if he's starting a race, and always walking three or more steps ahead of me so I look like a third-world woman respectfully trailing her husband at a distance. All I need is a burka.

    Yeah, I'm all sweet and nice and easy to live with and my marriage is FINE, just FINE.

  12. See those three scenes? They represent why I am still single. No man would ever put up with my bullshit.

  13. scarlet--yes he would. that and more. someone out there would be more than glad to. there's always something to counterbalance everyone's bullshit. besides, look what I put up with!!

    v-grrrl--do not get me started. shall i do a dramatic reading from my Journal Of Wrongs? because I can.

    rising rainbow--hello! welcome to the Dept! (or is it BACK to the Dept.? i seem to recall a comment from you a long while ago...) i'm sure he has done a few things right, but it's been SO LONG AGO that it's taxing your memory. which would be yet another fault. why must they DO that?

    circus kelli--i don't make much of a hillock in the bed, so even when i'm covered, rick's so much bigger than i am that it pulls the covers up and creates an airspace that makes me cold. often, he rolls over me in the night and then says, "I couldn't tell it was you. I just don't know THAT YOU'RE EVEN THERE HALF THE TIME BECAUSE YOU'RE SO LITTLE!" good heavens.

    i.h.--someday, you must get a driver's license. you do know that.

    gina--the more i think of it, the more i doubt it. lol.

  14. I keep getting the permit and then never practicing. There's too many fun things going on. ::sigh::

  15. I try to avoid conversations like that so that my fledgling marriage will have a chance of surviving, but so far no luck, LOL. The "how to drive the new vehicle properly" is especially endearing to me. Not that I have a hybrid. But one thing you just can't tell a man, even if he is your long-suffering husband, is how to drive. Because they just know, don't they?!

  16. i.h.--driving is not fun. it's a necessity. we all have to grow up sometime whether we like it or not. but, look at it this way: you can drive to the fun stuff.

    ortizzle--oh, i can freely dispense advice on virtually any subject. you should know that by now. LOL.


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...