Time to pop the top off my head and release the pressure. Here's the latest passel of cerebral sediment that's gotta go.
*I love baseball. For a sport with such funny pants, it has a very elevated vocabulary. The phraseology is downright elegant. "Designated hitter" just begs to be pronounced with an intelligent British accent. And "intentional walk" has a four-syllable adjective with a pretty sinister undertone. And here's my all-time favorite: "defensive indifference." This is a real term. I am not kidding you. This is a perfect term to describe my entire strategy when Sasha in my 7th period junior class cheats on her vocabulary test. I never bust her because, no matter what she does, she ends up with a 62% at the end of the term anyway.
*The Oscar Mayer jingle irritates me. They sing about their first and second names and then spell them. But then, they say at the end, "Oscar Mayer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a." But in the song, they have pronounced it baloney. If they are going to SING "baloney", then they should SPELL "baloney." There is a difference, is all I am saying. One is pronounced ba-LO-na. The other is pronounced ba-LO-nee. Get this right. Geeze.
*White cars look odd to me. They just look like they're not done yet. Like they aren't painted. I saw a white Scion the other day, and it reminded me of an old-timey ambulance. It looked like it was perhaps European Army surplus from like World War II or something, and they painted over the red cross. OR, it looked like a funny clown car ambulance. I half expected it to stop at the intersection and have a bunch of clowns come piling out of it, all wearing like huge yellow rubber stethoscopes and carrying oversized hypodermic syringes. They could hit each other with those rubber mallets and then fall down onto big stretchers and bounce back up. Anyway, white cars: I'm not a fan.
*Speaking of white--I'm at the point now where I'm wavering on the White Shoes Issue. Technically, my mother would weigh in now and say that since we've had Easter, it is officially White Shoe Season. Since I cannot seem to find mine, it's sort of a moot point. No one on my floor at school has worn hers yet. I wonder if they're waiting for me?
*My cell phone ringer is perpetually set on "Joy to the World." The Christmas carol, not the Three Dog Night Song. This is because I never, ever used to know when my cell phone rang. I could be holding it, hear it, and would wonder aloud, "Whose phone is that?" I am completely serious. Finally, I set it on "Joy to the World" because I have never heard anyone else's phone ring in that tone. Now, when my phone rings, I jump, terrified, and frantically try to silence it. Or, I don't hear it. Both reactions are incredibly annoying to my family. On Friday we were in my car on our way to dinner and my phone rang. Because we were in a closed-in place, I was jolted out of my skin and, panicked, tried to find my phone and wrest it off its clip in order to answer it. I was unsuccessful in both arenas:
Me: Dammit! My heart is racing! Feel it! And I still didn't get to it.
Sam: You're ridiculous. How hard is it to answer a phone?
Me: I hate this freaking clip. It's impossible.
Rick: Nance, it's just a phone. You always go crazy.
Me: I know. But I feel like I have to hurry.
Jared: She used to never even hear it. This is an improvement.
Rick: Somewhere between terrified and oblivious...that's where we need for you to be.
And that's what I've been aiming for all these years...
Hi Nance,
ReplyDeleteI'm Nance,too. I enjoyed reading your thoughts re the white cars looking like something out of "A Farewell To Arms".All it needed was a Red Cross painted on it.
You know, the first time I ever saw a Black PT Cruiser, I was startled. Seriously, I thought it looked exactly like the little British hearse that they used to take poor Diana away.
When I lived in the dorms my sophomore and junior years, anytime my roommates phone would ring it would terrify the crap out of me (especially at 2 in the morning, but I think that's to be expected). And I alway feel rushed to answer my phone when I'm out in public and have to wrassle it out of my purse (at home it's always on my desk where I can answer it readily).
ReplyDeleteMy ringtone is the first thirty seconds of this. My phone is on vibrate about 90% of the time because I only turn the ringer on when I've got a day that I'm not going into the office, and even then I forget to turn it on a lot. It always makes my friends laugh when it goes off, though.
ReplyDeleteWould that be Christmas "Joy to the World" or 3 Dog Night? Either one would prompt me to a frenzied pitch as well. I completely freak out whenever my phone rings as well. The stages of it are: 1) Annoyed staring at everyone around me because they haven't answered their phone 2) A state of shock and disbelief that's it mine and it actually rung 3) A bumbling sideshow of me trying to get to my phone before it stops. I've only been able to answer it once successfully so far.
ReplyDeleteI hate white cars. I drive a white car. Irony.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere between terror and oblivion is where I need to be as well.
Great post.
"Joy to the World"...the hymn or the song by Three Dog Night? Also...white cars are supposedly cheaper than cars that have interesting colors. That said, I don't much care for them either. The only white shoes I buy are running shoes, and even then, they're not really white at all.
ReplyDeletenancy--welcome to the Dept.! thanks for stopping in. the PT cruisers do look a little like hearses, but i think the Dodge Magnums have that distinction all sewn up. have you seen them? they make me shudder.
ReplyDeletejenomena--i detest my cell phone. it feels like an electronic leash. i want to call out, but don't want anyone to call in.
ih--sigh. what's wrong with you? can't you just use one of the rings that it comes with?
j.--sorry for the confusion. it's the christmas carol. i have amended my post, esp. since others have also been confused. and your description could be me. seriously. both of us need an inservice. obviously.
fringes--doesn't rick's quote sound like a tagline for a movie or a pharmeceutical? let's work on that. together.
wordgirl--the christmas carol. and hey, i have no running shoes. at all. but what would it take for me to put you into a sexy pair of white, low-heeled glove-leather white mules today?
The image of clowns dressed like doctors pouring out of a white Scion and bopping each other in the head made me crack up!
ReplyDeleteIsn't the rule: white shoes after Victoria Day? (Or whatever the American version of that long weekend is...Memorial Day? Or is that the one in September? Whatever- the May Long weekend that happens next week!) :P
ReplyDeleteI don't like white cars either. So boring. So unfinished.
ReplyDeleteSince we don't always get to choose our car color, being manipulated by what's available and what's cheap, I have had the misfortune of owning TWO white cars, despite my distaste for them.
The first one was a tiny hatchback, the cheapest car ever made (it didn't even have a digital clock or intermittent wipers!). I wanted to personalize the license plate with WHT TRSH
E, the Proper and Conservative, nixed that idea.
When we inherited his mother's big honkin white Oldsmobile, I wanted to get a license plate that said VANILLA. No luck, and to add insult to injury, E ordered tags with a cardinal perched on a dogwood branch. Everything about that car screamed Dull. It was SO not me.
And white shoes? Only for first communion or your wedding. White shoes assault the eye, and they always look cheap, even when they're not. I can barely tolerate white purses. They require bold silver hardware to turn my head.
P.S. My cell phone is always off. I use it maybe 2-3 times a month. Outgoing calls only. : )
ReplyDeleteYou know, this post has truly made me look at white cars differently...I mean really, how senseless! It's almost like buying a car...that...well, like you said, hasn't been "finished" yet!!!
ReplyDeleteThat is too funny about the cell phone Nance...LOL!
No one ever calls me, so I don't think of my phone as much of a leash. It's also the only phone I have, being that I don't want to hassle with getting a landline.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I feel the same way about Dodge Magnums! Stupid hearse cars!
I don't like baseball. The last game that I went to was so unfair. One team was young, athletic looking men. Their opponents looked like my dad and his buddies wearing stirrup pants.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that the white shoe rule is still a rule. Since you can't find yours, go shopping! Be a trend setter!
ReplyDeleteIf that is really IH's ringtone...oh gosh I can't even do anything other than laugh!
Joy to the World, Christmas Carol version, would create an intensely nervous reaction in me to get to the phone before I heard "the Lord has come." I guess that's the idea. I get intensely embarrassed if my cell phone goes off when it shouldn't.
ReplyDeleteThe Scion is the closest thing to a box on wheels there is. A white one would indeed look like an old-timey ambulance, LOL. I have never liked white cars because when they get old, they invariably evolve into a "not quite white" shade that shouts out "old car" like no other color when it begins to fade.
What is this "clip" on your cell phone? Do you mean the thingie that you can put on a belt so you can 'wear' your cell phone?
April 7th Tie: Geez, Nance, I am not even going to watch the podcast after that warning. Now, what I want to know is... do you keep jpg.'s of his ties in a file, or record the colors on a calendar, 'cause I am impressed by how you have all your dates lined up so you can mop the floor with Brian's redundant tie choices. Anyway, let's pray for some respite from purple. Clearly it is his favorite color.
LOL! I thought I was the only who found the inconsistency in that song annoying!!
ReplyDeleteAnd the white shoe thing... Technically isn't it from Memorial Day to Labor Day?
Wow, what a ring tone IH...still kind of scary (Nance would still jump)!!! And Anali, I believe it's from Easter to Labor Day...at least that's what my family always believed! So when do you wear "Winter" white? Another one of those things that makes you go hmmmm.....
ReplyDeletegirl and dog--glad i could make you chuckle!
ReplyDeleteprincess o.u.--that once hard and fast rule is not really all that in effect anymore. today, we hit 87, and most times, if easter is late, ladies break out the white shoes. it's sort of a seasonal-feel thing. that's where we run into trouble.
v-grrrl--gotta disagree on the "white shoes always look cheap" thing. i have a gorgeous pair of low-heeled white slides that are fashionable and classy. and i love the look of spectator pumps, which are, admittedly, not entirely white. but love the idea of your wht trsh license plate. LOVE IT.
tera--just don't look at them too long and miss your green light!!
jenomena--i'd be afraid to ride in one...seriously.
mist1--what the heck kind of game was that?
nina--trust me...i've known ih for a long time: that's his ringtone.
ortizzle--yes, that awful belt clip. i clip mine to my purse strap. as far as the tie report, i copy-and-paste each tie report every day to a Word file. i immediately remember the tie when i see it again because of my description. i started archiving back in february.
anali--YES!! thank goodness someone else gets irritated by the bologna/baloney-gate conspiracy. and you're not even an English teacher. i'm so glad not to be alone.
tera--traditionally, it is Mem. day to Labor Day for white shoes, but Easter is kind of a breakout for lots of fashionistas, esp. in the Midwest.
Nance,
ReplyDeleteAll this talk of shoes,and especially shoe color, reminds me of the remark George Gobel made many years ago to Johnny Carson.
" Did you ever feel like the whole World was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?"
May 9th Tie Report: Thou dost wax most lyrical, Nance. Forget the podcast. I can feel the texture and personality of this tie through your words. In fact, it sounds like the opening paragraph of a novel... or at least a short story. If anyone ever writes Brian's biography, they would do well to weave in tie reports such as these. And to think that Brian walks the earth unknowing. Oblivious to the pain inflicted by his purple passion, and even more unaware of the joy caused by even the slightest departure from his obsession. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteOne day you must write the rest of the story. You cannot leave us stranded on the beaches of Nantucket. Waiting for the beach ball to be carried off by the waves.
nancy--that quote is exactly how a member of our school staff should have felt today when she showed up for work wearing a sweat suit and flip-flops. and she is not a gym teacher. it was hideous. i cannot excuse such a lack of professionalism. or fashion sense.
ReplyDeleteortizzle--you flatter me, and of course, i love it. that tie got a helluva lot more than it was worth, but i am so thrilled when he stops wearing purple that he can wear a freaking BOLO and i'm putty in his hands.