The Dept. of Nance prides itself on being a timely commentary on our Culture (or, in some cases, our Lack Thereof). That alone is a Public Service. Today, however, the Dept. is providing you with a Consumer Alert! so that you can begin preparations for the imminent demise of some products currently available on your local marketplace shelves.
How am I in possession of this Closely Held Knowledge? you may ask. Based upon my personal history, I can accurately predict which products will be discontinued, pulled from the NEO market region, reformulated, or sold only in certain warehouse clubs of which I am not a member or are not located in the Midwest. This has happened to most of the products I have developed a bedrock loyalty to, that have made me happy, that have solved a problem for me, that made my hair look wonderful consistently, or have merely been a damned good product for the price.
Did you ever use/love/eat/cook with/depend upon: Garnier Fructis Body Boost Hair Gel? Bath & Body Works Breathe Comfort Vanilla Milk Scent? Mr. Yoshida's Gourmet Sauce? Reynolds Plastic Wrap? Flex Shampoo? The Original Herbal Essence Shampoo? Aziza Mascara? Olay face soap? Purina One for Overweight Cats?
Well, NOT ANYMORE! Gone. Done. Discontinued or Reformulated into useless crap.
I know because I loved them and used them all, only to sadly bid them goodbye. First, there were marvelous markdowns; then, they became difficult to find; and, in the final stages of their death throes, I'd find stashes of them at discount grocers and dollar stores. It was So Sad. So Terribly Sad.
Get ready. Here is the latest roundup of products that I have loved too deeply and now must lose:
1. KC Masterpiece Teriyaki Marinade
2. Trader Joe's Meyer Lemon Cookie Thins
3. Contadina Extra Thick n Zesty tomato sauce
4. Bertolli EV olive oil
1. Organix Cherry Blossom & Ginseng shampoo
2. Garnier Fructis HiRise root lifter
3. TreSemme Superior Hold hairspray #4
4. Clear Care contact lens solution
Allow me a brief commentary for each section.
While I certainly can and often do make my own teriyaki marinade, I don't always feel like it or have all of the ingredients. KC Masterpiece is the only one I have found to have the taste I like without being overly salty or fake-tasting. It also makes a decent stirfry sauce base if you add it at the last minute as a glaze. This has disappeared at the local chain and suddenly appeared at the discount grocery. And if some of you have not yet tried TJ's Meyer Lemon thins, go now and get a box. Holy crap, are they good. Crazy good.
I am painfully and mortifyingly aware that the preponderance of my health and beauty aids are for my hair. Currently, I am ignoring my hair, in that I am not going to the salon and am trimming my own bangs. I saw my stylist about a month ago, and she said, "Oh, are you growing out?" I said, "I have no idea what I'm doing." (Sadly, this is true of about 85% of my life at present. I'm leading a Nike-Inspired existence in that I'm Just Doing It.) Anyway, if it were not for the three products above, I would not leave the house. And I blame Shirley for leaving the Organix in my shower last year when I visited. She is my Shampoo Pusher, and now I am hooked.
Finally, we here at the Dept. are just as environmentally conscious as the next person as long as that person is not wearing hemp capris and shoes made from recycled soda bottles. But there is only so much that vinegar, baking soda, and lemon juice can be relied upon to do. What's left is handled by a spray or two of Awesome. Got a bloodstain on your towel? Awesome will remove it immediately. Got a grease splatter from stirfry that the dryer set in? Awesome will take it out. Is there mildew all over your patio furniture? Awesome. Ink on your car seat? Awesome. Wine on the tablecloth? Awesome. I am not kidding you, this stuff is...awesome. AND IT IS ONLY A DOLLAR for a 16-oz. bottle. Oh, it's probably loaded with awful chemicals, but holy crap. It's nuts how great it works. And I personally used it for all of the above scenarios.
It is only a matter of moments now before these wonderful products will be gone. (Look what happened to the Mars bar. Not even available in the USA. And I loved them oh so much.) You know I'm right. It's happened to you. Tell me all about it in Comments.
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