Saturday, January 14, 2012

Whoever Said "Things Can Always Get Worse" Should Say It To Stamps.Com. Never Mind--We Can Do It!

A recent commercial for advises, "There's nothing worse than going to the post office and waiting in line."


Now, taking into account that the creators of this ad will stipulate that waiting at the P.O. is nothing compared to the truly terrible events that can occur in the course of our lives, such as terminal illness, death of a loved one, shark attack, or even a traumatic automobile accident, here is my

List of Ten Things I Think Are Worse Than Waiting In Line At The Post Office
(in no particular order)

1.  Dropping a new package of Oreos before you even get one cookie
2.  Losing a contact lens down the bathroom drain
3.  Having to clean Piper's back end because of a residue issue
4.  Undergoing a transvaginal sonogram with a Foley catheter in
5.  Drinking the Very Last Bottle of 2007 Cattail Creek Barrel Fermented Chardonnay
6.  Moving the furniture to vacuum
7.  Standing in a store and calculating--in my head--the best deal
8.  Cleaning the stovetop or any of the stainless appliances in the kitchen
9.  Being forced to use self-checkout at the grocery store
10.  Navigating automated telephone menus & listening to staticky, garbled hold music

I find all of these ten things to be peevish and horrid.  Gladly would I trade any of them to stand in the post office line for anyone who would take the bullet on one of these for me.  So, who is willing to trade one of my Ten for a post office line session?  Anyone?

Anyone?  Ah, well.  Then tell me some of your Worse Things in Comments.


  1. Actually, for a true misanthrope like me, self checkout is a Godsend. A GODSEND, people! I love that I don't have to deal with chatty or apathetic clerks - I can be as efficient (or not!) as I want. Bliss!

    I agree on all the other things :)

  2. Mikey G.4:44 AM

    7. I'd mentally calculate the best deal for you any time!

    9. I prefer self-checkout if I'm just doing a smaller grocery run (getting things for one meal or a couple of days). While I usually have someone do the bagging when it's a big grocery run, it's nice to have the self-checkout option.

    And as for my own list:

    1. Cleaning anything. We're moving to a new place tomorrow (just across town), and we have decided in advance to hire a maid. It's the one big splurge I'm going for now that I have a full-time job.

    2. Moving. I f!#&ing hate moving. There is nothing more stressful. Nothing!

    3. Waiting for the bus. Out in SF our buses have GPS, and so you can find out how long it'll be until the bus comes. Five minutes is great! Ten minutes is slightly frustrating. Twenty minutes is horrendous. Any more and I pay the eight bucks for a cab. It's almost a mile and mostly uphill. And yes, I know I'm lazy.

    4. Sorting/folding/hanging up laundry. I don't mind hauling it to the washer and dryer, but having to put each article of clothing in its respectable place is agonizing. Fold this, hang that, these go here, etc.

    I clearly need a full-time staff of four, and I'll be all set!

  3. The half hour or so in the waiting room with an over-filled bladder before a transvaginal ultrasound...:>)

    ...oh, and maybe the complete closure of the postal service.

  4. I'll see your having to wipe Piper's hiney and raise you having to look at one more republican debate...I don't want to see Rick Perry anymore for 3 reasons. 1. He's stupid. 2. He's misinformed and 3. He's,let's see, he's not, er,not,um...I don't remember-oops!

    I have finally figured out what is the matter with all the republican candidates. They suffer from

    Come over here,Piper,I have to wipe your A**.......

  5. Oh, I will take being forced to use the self-checkout, and ask that you trade it for being forced to use REUGLAR checkout. (I bring reading material on the rare occasions when I have to go to the post office.) I HATE having to use regular check-out and put up with the typical store patter about whether I found everything I wanted, if I am having a good day, etc., etc. When I go to the super, I want to get what I need and GET OUT. I can do that better and faster than anyone, and I know how to bag stuff up in my own re-usable bags, usually 80% fewer than they use, and I don't really think I am depriving anyone of gainful employment. Stores could use more people patrolling the aisles so shoppers would have someone to ask when they want to know why the toothpicks have been moved from the baking aisle to the picnic supplies aisle. Instead of having to say in a lame voice when we get to the checkout, "Well, no, I did NOT find everything I wanted because I spent half an hour trying to work out where your freakin' toothpicks are, and at this point, I am not holding up the works here for someone to run over to aisle 56 to get them for me." And let's not even get into the amateur couponers who pull out the coupon pages while their stuff is being rung up at the register and spend another 20 minutes deciding which coupons they can make use of... or the old ladies who insist on writing checks in the 21st century when debit cards will do the same thing about ten times faster. Oh, yes, give me self-checkout any day. LOVE IT!

    Now... who can I get to dust shelves with a million things on them that have to be moved very carefully so you don't break them and can dust under them, and then you look and the things you have carefully set to one side need to be dusted themselves, and then you have to remember where everything was before, or maybe you want to re-arrange stuff, which turns it into an effort that is not only tedious but way too thinky for a household chore. And that is my least favorite thing to do around the house except possibly for scrubbing the part of the bathroom floor that is within a 12-inch radius of the toilet. Particularly since the person responsible for this being such a disgusting chore never, ever scrubs the bathroom floor.

  6. Ortizzle--Get a Shark! I love mine for the lino/tile floors. It has skinny and corner-y attachments for those places. As far as all those knickknacks, give them one last loving cleaning and pack them away. Who needs all the grief? They are obv. not giving you that much pleasure, so unless Senor Ortizzle is willing to pitch in, pack up. Finally, I abhor self checkout. It is annoying and worky and I feel this way: If I am going to work at the grocery store, why do I not get an Employee Discount? Must I collect my groceries, load them, unload them, bag them, and pay full price for them too? and THEN TAKE THEM HOME, UNLOAD, PUT AWAY, AND EVENTUALLY PREPARE THEM? It's a ridiculous imposition. The least they could do is offer a meagre discount if I have to do their job as well. And a bit of exchanged pleasantry/small talk is a nothing. What has happened to Society when we cannot Be Civil for a few moments? I shudder.

    Nancy--Well played. And Piper is not very amenable to any Hiney Ministrations, so good luck with THAT. I see that Huntsman is leaving the pack now. No room for Normal in that mess. He was the least scary of them all.

    dbso--I hear you. I am a bit stunned by the complaining I hear regarding the P.O. What a great deal, IMHO, to send a letter clear across the country for less than a dollar, have it get there in a few days, and to have (at least in my case) mail delivered six days a week right to my very front porch! It's incredible personal service. And the people at my local P.O. are so nice.

    Mikey G.--Oh, you know from The Old Days how I love to have A Staff! I, too, hated moving, the few times I had to do it, and the next time will be the worst. Cleaning is awful, and I envy you a maid. I should have jumped at the chance back when I was working to get a twice-monthly cleaning person in when Rick offered it, but I was too cheap/proud to do it. Good for you! Do you also hate packing/unpacking? I hate the packing part worse because it involves decision-making and uncertainty, but unpacking is tedious. Hope you're doing well and not overdoing things!

    The Bug--I have a hard time seeing you as a misanthrope. Truly. But if you read my response to Ortizzle, you can see why I loathe the self checkout. I also do see it as a job-stealer. But, in a regular line when confronted by a chatty cashier who IS TRYING TO BE PLEASANT (oh, the horror!), just pretend to peruse your list and murmur, "Oh, what? I'm sorry, I was double-checking to be certain I didn't forget anything." Or you could pull out a "letter" and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I am reading an important letter from my lawyer." Something like that.

  7. you said "transvaginal" and "catheter" in the same sentence. so that's worse. aside from that...

    1. wind knocks out the satelite.
    2. you take the team laying 14.5 and they cover 14.
    3. your cat knocks over a glass of V8.
    4. theres no more bacon.
    5. your mother beats you in fantasy basketball.

  8. Anything involving unexpected car trouble: Flat tires, dead batteries, just won't start. Especially if it happens away from your own driveway. I hate the helpless feeling you have and how your calendar starts playing out in front of your eyes. How will you ever get Person A to Point B without your car?
    I'd watch a whole line of people mail live animals and paint to Pakistan instead of going through that.

  9. J.--Oh, hello! Yes, cars are like computers, supposed to make our lives easier (and do), but when they fail us, it becomes a nightmare. I detest making arrangements, and the ensuing schedule matrices defeat me.

    JPD--I have zero sympathy for anyone who bets real $ on sporting events. Most who do haven't the cash margin to be betting anyway. (significant and pointed stare)

    And while it is true that my team did crush your team in Fantasy Basketball, you can rest on the Serene Laurels that I did a significantly greater amount of whining than you did to get to that win. (But it felt really, really good to Virtually Smirk at all the Naysayers who raised eyebrows when I took Dwight Howard as my first pick. Has anyone else's first pick pulled off a 111-pt. game yet? NO. :-P )

    Finally, bacon. Ugh. Still so overrated and played OUT.

  10. Dear God, all you people that love self-checkout, I don't know you!

    I love my PO. Seriously. The lines are usually long but the workers are friendly and there's great people watching.

    On my list of loathsome tasks:

    Shopping at Wal-Mart. I'm a Target grrrl, I know Wal-Mart has better prices and some nice stuff but the dim lighting, long lines, and the checkers make me crazy. My town has THREE super Wal-Marts and all of them are horrible all the time.

  11. V--Re: self checkout. I know! What have we become? And I was just at our PO where the line was ridiculously long, someone was taking too much time over nothing at the only open window, but it was shortly before 1:00, so I knew it was lunch coverage issues, and it was my own fault for bad timing. When it was my turn, the clerk was kind, courteous, and my transaction took about 2 minutes. NBD. Now, with regard to your list, I started boycotting WalMart over a dozen years ago and never looked back. It can be done. Painlessly. All I'm going to say.

  12. I pink puffy heart the USPS. I love the convenience of putting the little flag up, and having my letter travel from my little CA abode to anywhere in the nation, for less than 50 cents. The post office? LOVELY! Sometimes the line is long, but they have a self service machine if you're in a hurry, and it works well.

    The grocery store. There is one hyper friendly and annoying as hell checker, who says the same thing to everyone and exhausts me. He makes me want to use the self checkout. Otherwise, it's all a matter of how long the lines are. I prefer to visit for a minute with the employees that I've seen since we moved here 15 years ago, but if it's crazed, I'll do self. I do feel guilty, because it's a job stealer.

    Things I hate more than standing in line at the post office? Gosh, almost anything. I don't mind the post office. I hate trying to get my dog to take pills. She's old and sick and has trouble with the whole thing, and she's blind and she resents the hell out of it. But I love her and it's the only down side of our relationship, so I stick with it. I don't like trying to think of what to cook for dinner weeknights. (My husband is in charge of weekends.) I hate cleaning the bathtub. I'd rather stand in line at the P.O. during Christmas than clean the bathtub. Luckily, my husband doesn't mind, so I don't often get stuck with it. It's a good marriage...most of the things he hates, I don't mind. Most of the things I hate, he doesn't mind. If I were to start a business where I counseled young couples and couples to be, I would tell them, find someone who doesn't mind doing the things you hate. :)

  13. J.@jj--Hi! The Dinner Thing. Still hate that and being home now as opposed to working hasn't made it any better. Medicating pets is a downer, too, and your situation with Gen is really a sad one. I hate having to impose on already hurting or ill pets when they cannot know you are just trying to help them. :-(


Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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