Saturday, December 19, 2009

Saturday Morning With Sam, His Blackberry, A Cow, And A Wolf: A Play In Two Scenes

Saturday morning at the Dept. Sam makes a rare appearance, mainly to troubleshoot his Blackberry using Rick's laptop. Rick and I are watching the Cleveland NBC affiliate morning news show.


Nance: (watching a report about a therapy dog) Hey! That's what I'll do. When I retire, I'll use my minicow as a therapy animal! How wonderful would that be? Just imagine: I could take it to nursing homes to visit the elderly, to hospitals to visit sick would be great!

Rick: I'm with you one hundred percent.

Nance: Sam! Wouldn't you love it if you were a sick child in the hospital, stuck there in bed, sad and afraid, watching The Price Is Right reruns all day, and suddenly a gorgeous and cuddly minicow came to see you?

Sam: (not even looking up from his Blackberry) No. Cows don't do it for me, Mom.

Nance: That's not true! You would love it! You would be happy and excited. You know you would. Everyone loves cows. Rick.

Rick: I'd love it.

Nance: Look there. (points to shot of smiling elderly woman on television) That woman would be thrilled to see a happy, well-cared-for cow visit her. For holiday time, I could even put, say--

Rick: (interrupting) --a hat or--

Nance: (interrupting with a disdainful look that lasers his head off and leaves a burning, charred stump at the top of his neck) Rick! No animal likes to be dressed up. It's undignified. As I was going to say, I could put a small bow on it, like a red or pink bow for Valentine's Day, for example. Tell me that a sick kid or a lonely old person wouldn't love to have a beautiful, cuddly cow come visit him on a holiday. Tell me. You can't. It's as simple as that. Sam!

Sam: Whatever. Cows stink. They smell bad.

Nance: Sam! That's just not true. The animal itself has no unpleasant odor. It doesn't. Sure, its manure smells bad, but the cow itself doesn't. I would shampoo it before I took it anyplace.

Sam: (looks meaningfully at Rick) Yeah, right.

Nance: What? What is that look?

Sam: You mean Dad would be out there washing the cow. No way you're out there washing a cow. Especially in cold weather, outside.

Nance: AHA! But we're moving to a much warmer climate when I retire! SO THERE!

Sam: (shakes head doubtfully)


(Segment changes on show. Moves to live weather report from Virginia affiliate. Reporter named "Wolf" stands outside in snow.)

Nance: Sam. Aren't you glad Mommy didn't name you something horrid like "Wolf?"

Sam: Not really. That's kind of cool.

Nance: No, it isn't. It's terrible. Children in elementary school would tease you and howl at you all during recess.

Sam: Then I would bite them.



  1. The reporter named Wolf was standing in MY town about two miles from my house. If I'd known he was coming, I'd have gone downtown and howled at him.

  2. Love love love this. Read it out loud to my fiance so that he understood why I was laughing so hard. I think Sam's response to kids howling at him on the playground is awesome!

    Oh to be a fly on the wall at the DoN :-)

  3. jenomena--So glad that a visit to the DoN gave you a chuckle. And as far as these conversations occurring with any regularity so that you could be a visitor and be entertained often...I'll try and remember them and get them down here more frequently for you. Because they DO happen a lot. Sigh.

    V-grrrl--Oh, aren't you lucky! We got what my little sister Susan calls "Sissy Snow." Just a coating here in NE Ohio. I'm so very, very grateful that we are so far spared. But there's an Alberta Clipper slated for us in a day or two, and they're very unpredictable. AND I STILL HAVE SHOPPING TO DO. AAARRRGGGHHHHH.

  4. Oh my! Thanks for the laugh!

    And Sam is right you know, you're not bathing a cow. In warm or cold weather. I'm sure of it.

  5. I've been reading and writing dark, worried, informative, well-researched CRAP on healthcare and climate change for DAYS! I really needed this post. Sort of a Christmas gag gift in my stocking. Thanks!

  6. Though I'm in the big city now, any 4-Her will tell you "Of course you wash cows!". Walk behind the scenes of ANY county fair and the livestock are getting haircuts, washes (they quite take to it in warm weather), even makeup - well, shoepolish on the hooves anyhow. But that was 40 years ago - who knows what beauty secrets have developed since then!

  7. Dean--Exactly. I've seen plenty of cows getting bathed/showered at the county fairs and state fairs, and they love it. And the resulting clean, beautiful cow is a pleasure to behold. And welcome to the Dept.!

    The Other Nance--Nice to see you here. And I'm terrifically glad to provide you with respite from that somber and grim stuff. Good heavens.

    Nina--You are mean. And vastly underestimating my oceanic love of animals in general and cows in particular. Who do you think always bathed the family dog (IN THE TUB WITH IT) and the cats whenever necessary? And I had to wrangle a golden retriever in the tub all alone, too. There is a lot you don't know about me, miss.

  8. I love you, though!

  9. LOL! Now I can't get the thought of a freshly shampooed minicow in a bow out of my head! Happy Holidays to you Nance! ; )

  10. Especially if he were from snowbound VA. I, actually, have avoided all the snow, but am returning DC-way tomorrow, so we'll see! And, per the cow~you need to accompany the Scribes on the Great American Silo Trip. Then you'd ditch the idea of a cow...

  11. Melissa B.--Oh, I'm from Ohio. And well-travelled in the US. I've seen plenty of bovines in the Wild, and I've hugged lots. I even had one in Montana from a cattle drive stick its head in my car window and slobber all over me. I'm all the more sold on My Own Cow.

    Anali--Oh, and doesn't it just sound Wonderful and Cuddly? Happy Holidays to you, too, Anali! I hope you have lots of time to spend with your mom and the people you love best.

    Nina--I'm waiting for my Christmas picture of The Cutest Toddler Ever.

  12. Love that he would bite them. And truly, who could blame them.

    I'm with you on the mini-cow. While I do enjoy Price is Right on occasion, I'd perk right up if someone brought in a little bovine to visit. Or better yet...a miniature horse. Yay! I'm happy just imagining it.

  13. I am not sure about this cow washing. I can just hear it now:

    Nance: Rick get up, You need to wash the cow.
    Rick: I thought you said you were going to wash it.
    Nance: Please. I would but I don't want to.

    Rick ends up washing cow.

  14. Rick--Sigh. Don't you start with this bullshit now, or I'll make you build the cow and I a pool. Besides, you know very well there is NO WAY I would ever not WANT to wash My Very Own cow.

  15. J.@jj--Can you just imagine how adorable it would look, walking slowly into your hospital/nursing home room, nodding its head (the agreeable way all cows do), freshly shampooed and smelling faintly of, say, kiwi-lime? It would put its soft head with its wide, liquid eyes on your lap, and you could pet it and feed it a carrot. And get your picture taken with it! How wonderful and lovely.

  16. The poor invalids would jump out of their beds, like Grandpa Joe in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!

  17. And Rick's comment? Awesome.

  18. Nancy7:53 PM

    Loved this post, Nance, and think perhaps you should tie the cow to the back of your car and drive her through the car wash.I think she would LOVE the brushes..MOOOOOO!!!

    Just want to tell you that you bring me a lot of pleasure through the year reading your posts and always looking forward to the next one.

    We will be on our way to Florida right after the New Year. See you then.

    Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy 2010...

  19. J.@jj--It would be a Miracle Cow! And don't encourage Rick. He is as wrongheaded in his comment as some of the others are in theirs. Sigh.

    Nancy--I would have to fit her with special goggles and make sure I did not select "Hot Wax." LOL.
    And thank you for your kind encouragement. You know I always enjoy your comments as well. Have a great time in Florida, and send some of that warm sunshine up here to NEO.

  20. The cow again ... there's only one way to cure the cow dreams, you know? You don't have to buy one. You could just do one of those reality shows where you are sent off to milk and pitch hay, muck stalls, etc. ;-)

    I have missed the conversations at The Dept. What was I thinking? Free humor at any time of the day I want ... far better than Leno, Conan, or David and their ilk.


  21. Shirley--I don't know why you Self-Exiled from The Dept. It's free, it's witty and wonderful, and I hear the writer is awesomely modest, too. ;-)


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