Words For 2020: #5 Accept

Accept is probably the most difficult word I deal with every single day. Just now, I rewrote that first sentence four times. I might even rewrite it a few more before I hit Publish. Such is the life of a Serial Control Freak and Perfectionist.

It's not easy Being Me.

When I was younger--a little kid--the idea that I had any control over anything never once occurred to me. I Accepted without question that my parents were in charge and our lives were the way they were supposed to be. If other kids did things or went places or had things that we did not, well, that was because those things were not The Kind Of Things For Us. I never really gave them much thought. I was compliant and no trouble.

That didn't mean things were easy. I was a serious fat kid who preferred reading to anything athletic. Oddly enough, the only person who ever teased or bullied me about my weight was my older brother. And he did so brutally and unrelentingly. My mother's only response was to tell me to ignore him, which everyone knows is not effective or helpful. My father either never heard him or didn't think it merited his intervention. Nothing I said to my brother in retaliation ever bothered him; he was unassailable. It went on for years and years, and I learned to Accept that it was an unfortunate part of my life. But I never got over it, this having to Accept and having no control.

My father raised us to feel self-confident and empowered, ironically, and to feel pride in who we were. "Don't follow the common herd" was one of his favourite sayings. I was proud that I was smart. He had very high expectations, but he was an idealist. He was an idealist and a philosopher who worked at the steel mill. He wanted much better for all four of us, and sometimes his passion for our future could be frightening. His disciplinary lectures were so intense that we often felt faint. Our parents never once hit us, but standing and listening to a lecture was enough.

I set about planning the rest of my life with as much control as I possibly could. And I followed my plan, almost ruthlessly. I planned out my college--done! I planned my wedding--done! I even planned my two children so that I could be pregnant during the colder months and have them in Spring, thus ensuring I had all Summer with my babies. Jared was born at the end of March and Sam at the end of April. I had enough sick time with both births to end the year.

Parenting and Teaching are the two most Control-laden jobs in the world. After a childhood of no control, I was Control Central. I thrived in both environments--organization is one of my strong suits. I can motivate, command a room, come up with ideas quickly, and delegate tasks easily. And I can make all those things seem like fun for everyone.

These days, however, I'm learning that all that Control has cost me. As I wrote in an earlier post, I always seem to be in a hurry. And I feel as if I should be doing something all the time. Often, I get irritated at something and feel as if I should mention it to the person who said/did it. Sometimes, a small thing that Rick does will fray my nerves, and I want to explode. Or I'm driving and I get behind yet one more red pickup truck driven by an old man in a hat and it's poking along and I cannot pass it. The Fate Of The World does not rest on any of these things, or my actions concerning them. I need to Accept and move on.

I've learned the difference between the Acceptance of my childhood and the Acceptance of my adulthood. It is Choice. And it is often a Choice born of Necessity. I will be 61 in May. I don't want or need control of so many, many things anymore. I want Peace. I want Serenity. I want Simplicity.

Naturally, right now, there's very little anyone can control. We all have to Accept. This is Life right now, and we make the best of it. I'm heartened and uplifted by what I have read in your posts and comments about how you are all getting through These Times. I feel fortunate to have a circle of Virtual Friends because, for us, nothing has changed in our relationships. How very comforting that is.

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