Wednesday, August 02, 2017

My New Mantra When Things Get A Little Too Real
Even though I don't feel at all ashamed about Getting Real last week (it was so Cathartic), I have to tell you that my problems pale in comparison to this woman, who lives in a town not too terribly far from where I live. Longtime Readers already know you don't even have to click that link because I'm going to tell you everything you need to know.

While I'm bitching and moaning about cat hair, bathroom hair, English Language abuses, and other non-life threatening mundanities, a middle-aged woman was lying in her front yard telling a 911 operator, "I have a boa constrictor stuck to my face".

I know, right?

And you think you have problems.

Because the nine ball pythons she already owned were lonely, perhaps, the woman had adopted two boa constrictors the day before (or "rescued", as she terms it in the 911 call, at first amusingly misinterpreted as "arrested" by the operator). She decided, apparently, to take one out and give it a cuddle, and it...reciprocated, as five-and-a-half-foot boa constrictors are wont to do. Unfortunately, “it was wrapped around her neck and biting her nose and wouldn’t let go,” Fire Chief Tim Card said. “They had to cut its head off with a [pocket] knife to get it to let go of her face.”

Yikes. I mean, who would have thought it? Everything I know about snakes is that they're so nice and sweet. So easy to train and so obedient. Just the best pets, ever.

The snake (with its head, I presume) was summarily tossed in the town's garbage bin out back of City Hall.

One local animal handler opined that perhaps the woman handled the boa constrictor too soon after rescuing it; that a waiting period of at least one week is advisable to prevent trauma. He also felt the snake could have been saved if they had just used a few drops of rubbing alcohol on its head, which may have gotten it to release its jaws. Sigh. Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

All I know is this: I had a few rough days last week, but at no time was a snake stuck to my face. Also, thank goodness snakes can't walk or fly. Or drive. That town is pretty close, and obviously, that woman is...a Little Bit Goofy when it comes to snakes.  But bless her, I'm glad she's okay.

This reminds me of back in 2014 when I wrote about the house near me that exploded right before Christmas. Remember that? I used "at least my house didn't explode" as my mantra for months, helping me to have perspective when anything went wrong or I had a setback or a bad day. It worked pretty well for a while, especially during the holidays.

Well, now I have a new mantra for when things get rough and I'm not feeling up to par. At least I don't have a snake stuck to my face!


  1. I deserve a metal for reading past the words 'pythons' and 'boa constrictors.' I hate snakes and the thought of touching one gives me the chills. I can't imagine having one wrapped around my head and biting my face. Your new mantra should keep you in a Mary Poppins mood. LOL

    1. Jean R--Oh, same here! Snakes have always been a huge phobia of mine, but through desensitization (why can't I get that word to look right, no matter how I spell it!?), I'm getting lots better. I can't imagine ever touching or holding a snake, but I'm better at looking at still pictures of them now.

      I maintain that owning snakes as "pets" is ridiculous. What companionship can they possibly offer? It's baffling to me.

  2. Oh my. No, almost anything will succumb to that mantra. I do hope younwill not need it often.

    On the other hand, I am readying my bowl of popcorn ready to watch President Trump being tamed by General Kelly. The snake might be a good fallback.

    1. Mary G--I know! So much of my life will feel light and manageable, unencumbred by massive reptiles noshing upon my visage.

      I refuse to term 45* as the United States' real president. For someone who, in a campaign speech, said he knew more than the generals did, he sure has surrounded himself with them. I eagerly await the day that he is frog-marched out of Our White House, in handcuffs, surrounded by the rest of his crime family.

      *I will always refer to him as 45* because he is a Fake President. Anything he does, anything that happens, will exist in a totally separate framework outside the realm of the True American Presidency. See this for an analogous reference.

  3. Whenever I used to complain about my life, my mother would always say, "You know, there are other people who have it much worse than you do." I think this proves it.

    1. Bridget--Chalk one up for Bridget's Mom.

      Bless her heart, she was a Much Sweeter Mom than I was. I took the entirely opposite tack with Jared and Sam. Here's how things went down at the Dept.:

      Kid: Mom, this is awful. I hate it.
      Nance: You know, you're absolutely right. It is.
      Kid: What?
      Nance: I'm sure all your friends have much better lives than you do. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that all we ever do for you is to give you the entire upstairs for your room, take you on at least two vacations a year--
      Kid: Mom, stop it. I'm not talking about that.
      Nance: Of course you're not. You're probably talking about how I only cook family dinner six nights a week and we go out once a week. Or how you each have your own brand-new bike, or--
      Kid: Geeze. Never mind.

      It's obvious my kids had it WAY WORSE than other kids whose mothers were not me. And did not have face-snakes.

  4. Oh my sweet lord - a WORLD OF NO! I understand my sister-in-law who had a snake for a bit because she was a part time "science lady" for elementary schools. I guess I understand that children need to be exposed to real snakes. Well, maybe I don't understand at all. Hmmm. In any case, NO SNAKES NEAR MY FACE, thank you.

    1. not sure why children need to be exposed to real snakes. Not sure at all. Certainly a faux snake can do the same thing--and often does. Both can lie in a dry aquarium, inert, and look sinister and threatening. Toss a rubber snake in there among some dried grass or something, put it up on a high table, and teach a unit on snakes and how wonderful (ugh) they are and how they are part of the Circle Of Life and all that crap. Show a short film. The end.

      I am marking you down as a NO under SNAKES.

  5. Living in the same town with this poor woman and her snakes, I am thankful she is okay and grateful we are not neighbors.
    My mantra, 'Be thankful you can do that'. It can apply to having the money for a bill, car repair, or just being able to do some activity that others can't do, because of a physical impairment.
    Glad to hear you are feeling better, and OH-so-happy, you don't have a snake attached to your face.

    1. Denise Fortney--I read and saw brief interviews with some of her neighbors, the majority of whom wholeheartedly wish her well and that she is now moved to get rid of the rest of her snakes. Naturally, editing will have dictated what we heard/read, so it's tough to know everyone's feelings. Or why--AGAIN--anyone would keep A snake, let alone ELEVEN of them. I mean...!

      I applaud your mantra. It's so often that having to shell out big bucks for a car repair, sudden new appliance, or unexpected expense can cause that sinking feeling or even momentary panic. But if it comes from the Emergency Fund or savings, hey! Be Thankful You Can Do That. So many people don't have that leeway to stretch their resources.

      Still finding my line between Doing A Little More and Overdoing, but so far, no snake on my face!

  6. I read that story about the snake stuck to the woman’s face! Holy shit. Just being bitten is bad enouh, but stuck on one’s face... MAJOR TRAUMA. (You may remember my childhood snake encounter which I posted God knows when on your blog.) Too bad that horrid snake was not living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., cuz there is a face there that really needs to have a vicious snake biting it without letting go.

    Re: Stephen Colbert is our Hero in your blog roll--- OH, YEA VERILY! Mr. O. and I look forward to his scathing opening monologues every night. As well as others of the same ilk that we can watch on a slightly less frequent basis, people like Bill Maher, Samantha Bee, John Oliver and Trevor Noah. They are what keeps us sane these days.

    Thanks for your email. Working on a response... :-D

    1. Ortizzle--Bless your heart. I hope you're reading and relaxing, gathering up strength.

      I do remember your childhood snake story! And I still think it would make a good children's book someday.

      Speaking of Stephen Colbert, I was lying in bed the other night, trying to fall asleep by LISTENING ONLY to an old Law and Order: Criminal Intent episode. I was instantly on alert because I could swear that one voice sounded so familiar. I grabbed my specs from the night table, and lo and behold! The young criminal was none other than a quite youthful Stephen Colbert! He was very good, actually.

      I can't ever stay up even til the 11 pm news. But I grab Stephen online and Bill on HBO streaming (thanks, Jared!).

      Take care of yourself. Seriously.

  7. I just started a new job and I HAVE NO TIME. Ugh. It's a promotion with more money and more hours and right now I am questioning my decision.

    At my old job, I worked right next to a Southern Pacific Rattlesnake. A real one, that if it escaped, could bite someone and cause them to go to the ER to get some antivenin. And when I say right next to, it was literally inches from me. I actually grew fond of it, and I believe he knew me, because when I came in, he would come out of his little cave and curl up in the corner of his exhibit. I had many fine conversations with him, and now that I am in a different place, I miss our little chats.

    Can you tell I am stressed? I am reminiscing about a rattlesnake.

    It was a beautiful creature, though.

    1. Gina--Sigh. Real Life. Why is it So Hard?

      Since we get along so very, very well, and are simpatico regarding So Many Other Things, I am going to forget about this very Disconcerting And Upsetting fact about you. I am going to assume/pretend that you simply Don't Mean It, or are Out Of Your Head at present.

      Perhaps it IS Stress. Or maybe it is The Weather. Or maybe you are Likkered Up.


    2. This made me laugh and laugh...

  8. Well that's bizarre! Strange happenings. I think I'll cross pythons off my desirable prospective pets list.

  9. OMG, who would have snakes as pets? Wait, I know someone - my husband's cousin and her husband. I don't understand. They also like to go looking for snakes. What??? They don't seem crazy, but they might be.

    1. Vera--I'm as befuddled as you are about the whole Snake As Pet thing. What possible positive interaction can you get?

      Your last sentence is still making me laugh. Thank you!

  10. Always finding the silver lining in the shit show of life! I admire your spunk. And yes, I remember when the neighbor house blew up. Scared me just a little bit too much, truth be told.

    1. Ally Bean--Well, thanks! I try. There's a lot to be said These Days for Making The Best Of Things. We already have a pro making a Mess Of Things...!


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