Pages

Monday, October 05, 2009

If Television Is Going To Be My Life, Then I'm Going To Get A Hell Of A Lot More Out Of It: The Birth Of DoNTV

So much about my television viewing habits has begun to concern me. No, really, it has. Isn't it bad enough that I make a point to separate the TV Section from the rest of the Sunday paper and keep it on the coffee table so that I can refer to it daily? That I shriek like a martinet if anyone even looks like he is going to set a Pepsi can or beer or wineglass upon it, thus rendering it unreadable?

No. It is not. For it gets even Worse.

Friday night is "Hulu Night." Rick hooks up a cable from his laptop to the television and, after our lovely dinner, we spend the evening watching the shows we missed because (A)we were busy, (B) we were rendered comatose by our pathetic lives, or (C)they were on at the same time as another show we also like to watch.

I know. Just shoot me now. I am only fifty. I should still be out doing exciting things like...oh, not knowing the names of all of the contestants left on Top Chef and Project Runway. It's clear that I have a Problem.

Sometimes, just for fun, I like to read from the TV section the little plot blurbs about the shows aloud to Jared. I love those little summaries. I often wonder who writes them and how I would go about getting that gig. Some of them are unintentionally hilarious, especially if I don't watch the show. This one, for a new show called the forgotten, (lower case is apparently required), cracks me up: "A dead John Doe left beaten on the street leads the team into the world of professional football." OKAY! Also merry is this one for Dirty Jobs, especially if you read it with a real happy voice: "Mike travels to Miami to recover and crush abandoned boats and then heads to San Francisco to recover old mattresses!" HOORAY!

Today, I was reading a few out loud for giggles when I came upon the blurb for the now-tragic show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I'm sure we all know the sad soap opera behind that reality show, but that's not what I want to chat about. What I want to chat about is how this is a show: "An expert helps guide the family in an attempt to organize their basement." Okay, huh? Seriously? I mean, I get how herding a bunch of similar-looking kids as they toss toys at each other and an anal-retentive mom attempts to make sense of it all while reining in her OCD might be sort of fascinating--for about ten minutes--but really? A WHOLE SHOW?

The more I thought about it, the more irked I got because I knew damned well that the show paid for this Basement Organization By A Trained Professional. How fair is this?

So, here's the deal, America (or at least the minute percentage of America which reads the Dept.). I would like to, in one fell swoop, take care of my Television Problem and several of my...Other Problems by having My Own Show. I'll call it DonTV. I will ink a deal similar to the Jon & Kate deal as far as budget. Here are some of my blurbs:

*An expert guides the Dept. in an attempt to organize their basement.
*Nance decides to hire an expert to help guide her in selecting a new wardrobe, complete with shoes.
*Frustrated by her sons' inability to fledge from the nest, Nance hires an expert to help guide her and Rick in an attempt to get them to move out into an apartment and live on their own.
*Rick and Nance hire an expert to help guide them in the redecoration of their home.

And finally, the season cliffhanger will be

*Upon retirement from teaching, Nance hires an expert to guide her in the search for her new residence in a warmer and more Democratic-leaning part of the country.

Oh, I like it. All I need is the right network. What do you think?

16 comments:

  1. Even though I avoid watching the TV whenever possible (not often because JG watches it all day, most days) I applaud your initiative.
    Especially the one about the wardrobe. I need one like that! Extreme makeover.
    As for where to retire -- according to some, Canada is the home of soft headed socialists (oops, isn't that Democrats south of the border?).
    The warmer won't work, however.
    Sad.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We recently had to get a second DVR for our TV upstairs because there were so many shows on at the same time, we could not RECORD THEM ALL.

    Why, yes. We DO watch a lot of TV.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous8:00 AM

    Relocation Expert here. I will require about 30 min. notice to mobilize the house hunting efforts in Southern Md. and Northern VA.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You know, I would be right there on the couch, kale chips in hand, watching you every week and wondering how I could get a show like that too!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You've gotta work in trips to various different wine countries and places where you can visit cows and bunnies.

    How sad is this? We are fanatics of "House," and it turns out our friends are, too. So when they went out of town and were going to be gone on a Monday, they asked me to drive over and set up their DVR to record it for them! This is some serious stuff. I go into withdrawal if I miss "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Michael and Michael Have Issues," or SNL. And sometimes "The Office."

    ReplyDelete
  6. sputnik--oh, dearest. you know my heart. we are jaunting off on a wine trip this month! are there furries involved? probably not, but we did visit the fair in August, and I got so up close with cattle that it was heavenly. ANYWAY. WE HULU "THE OFFICE." and, i am assuming you know that TBS has an hour of THE OFFICE on from 7-8 M-F. i am rooted to the couch from 6:30 till 8, thanks to BriWi and Dwight. Sigh. And then House, and then.... Where is my LIFE?

    Karen S--And you know my show would be ten times better because of my SHOES! And I'm so much more erudite and funny. (Heads up, Nielsens--that's ONE VIEWER SO FAR!)

    Anonymous--You are so kind. However, I am now thinking about a far more dry and hot region that never, ever gets snow or humidity. I am getting worse with the cold. It's just terrible to be me.

    Jan Ross--Are you just trying to make me feel better? I don't even have a DVR (I pronounce it like a word--DIVVER) because I worry that it will make me ten times more pathetic than I already am. IF that is possible.

    Mary--I am coming to Canada soon! But not near you, I fear. We're coming to Niagara-on-the-Lake. I would love to spend lots more time in Canada; I love it, but as you remarked, it is too cold for me. As far as the wardrobe, Jared helped me switch my closet over from Spring/Summer to Fall/Winter on Sunday, so he carried all my stuff up and downstairs. He was pretty goodnatured about it, but he did say,"Mom. How many pairs of pants do you need?! You have, like, twelve. And three of them are greyish and houndstooth. This is insane. Dad needs to STOP BUYING YOU PANTS."

    ReplyDelete
  7. DoNTV is pretty clever. Re: your Hulu evening, I can barely find enough decent to watch on a daily basis though, much less watch them for a nice evening. I'm imagining you and your hubby in the Failure to Launch segment. If your guys do finally launch, I guess you can get Jared to come over for the day and help with your closet switchover. ;-) Oh, I like the season cliffhanger ... I'll stay tuned!

    Shirley

    ReplyDelete
  8. I wish I liked TV. I gave up TV when I was still in high school. The Man and I didn't buy our first TV until I was 45 years old, and we only bought it so we could watch DVDs (we don't have cable or network recpetion). I find it hard to even find a movie I want to spend two hours with once a week. What is wrong with me? I mean really? I wish I could escape or relax in front of the TV, but even when we travel and have access to cable, I get bored, bored, bored.

    ReplyDelete
  9. V-grrrl--I really don't know what is wrong with you. I am mystified by people like you, honestly. I get bored by the commercial breaks and irritated beyond measure at the length and frequency of them, but i enjoy being entertained. i can sit down in my jammies, let everything go, and in many cases, really appreciate some pretty good writing, esp. on "the office", "the big bang theory" and "fringe." and i love watching the old movies that my mom and dad used to see on dates. i find the "acting" which is usually so stilted and odd, fascinating. and i love looking at the clothes in them, esp the 40s stuff.

    shirley--my comments to V. apply also to you, in a way, i guess, but as to the "Launch" part...I do still like having Jared around quite a bit, and Sam (for the 5 minutes a week that he's actually here), but there's much to be said for having it back to Just Us. And Jared still has my Shoe Move to complete. there is still a clothes basket full yet to go! LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  10. V-grrrl--I really don't know what is wrong with you. I am mystified by people like you, honestly. I get bored by the commercial breaks and irritated beyond measure at the length and frequency of them, but i enjoy being entertained. i can sit down in my jammies, let everything go, and in many cases, really appreciate some pretty good writing, esp. on "the office", "the big bang theory" and "fringe." and i love watching the old movies that my mom and dad used to see on dates. i find the "acting" which is usually so stilted and odd, fascinating. and i love looking at the clothes in them, esp the 40s stuff.

    shirley--my comments to V. apply also to you, in a way, i guess, but as to the "Launch" part...I do still like having Jared around quite a bit, and Sam (for the 5 minutes a week that he's actually here), but there's much to be said for having it back to Just Us. And Jared still has my Shoe Move to complete. there is still a clothes basket full yet to go! LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I told the kids about your Hulu nights because we have them too, but we crowd around the laptop. That you are hooking it up to the set has set everyone haywire around here. Suddenly I am being pressured to "figure it out". I fear our bargain laptop doesn't have the right ports to pull off the trick but I am prepared to throw myself at the feet of Radio Shack in order to make the miracle happen.

    Around here it's feast or famine with television. We'll go months with nothing to watch and then months being slaves to the schedule. Hulu saves the day often.

    PS: The word verification today is "balony". How dare it judge us!

    ReplyDelete
  12. J.--I can email you as to the cable we use and where we got it, etc. if you'd like. The techy stuff is definitely Rick's dept., but I don't think it requires special ports. And our TV is positively ancient, so no worries there. Re: word veri--the other day, I had "patio" on someone's blog. I think blogger is getting silly on purpose.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love your reality show. :) I watched Jon and Kate once when it first came out, and it was about the most boring thing on TV ever. Truly. Those people have all the warmth of a dead fish. And not one that's come out piping hot from the oven, either.

    Here's my pathetic mini-rant for the day. I used to like TV Guide. I used to even pay to have it delivered to my house. But at some point, they decided that they no longer had to tell me what was on TV, and got more into stories about the actors and other stuff. Hello, if I want stupid stories about actors, I'll read People magazine while in line at the grocery store. The TV Guide's main and express purpose should be to tell me what's on the damn box. The day I went to see what was on on a Saturday morning (looking for fun cooking shows to inspire me), and found they no longer covered Saturday mornings, is the day I canceled my subscription. The TV Guide thing in the Newspaper is moderately better, but I've never read the funny descriptions. Might give that a try this week if I'm bored. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. J.@jj--I hear you. So many magazines and shows have forgotten their mission. It's like Mtv, which is SO NOT MUSIC TELEVISON that I wonder what the M stands for anymore. Isn't it sad? Same thing for the cable Channel A&E, which is supposed to stand for ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT, but which shows nothing but crime and cop bullshit. WTF is up with THAT?

    ReplyDelete
  15. And the preceding commentary was paid for by?

    PS: I think "warmer" & "more Democratic leaning" are mutually exclusive. Unless you're talking paradox here...

    Thanks for catching my woeful typo!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Melissa B--Holy crap, I hope not. But you're probably right. Arizona, New Mex, etc. Sigh. What's a good liberal Dem to do? And thanks for being such a good sport about my correction. I just cannot pass up Irony when it's just hangin' there.

    ReplyDelete

Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...