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Friday, October 13, 2006

Dumping the Contents of My Head


From time to time, I have to drain off some of the more inexplicable thought nerfuls that keep rattling around in my head. I have no idea why these things keep occurring to me; they stick around like little velcro brain hamsters. Now they can take up residence in your mental Habitrails.

1. Every single Brandon I know is a screw-up or a brat on his way to being a screw-up. I've been keeping tabs on this for about 4 years now, and I've yet to meet a Brandon or have one in class that is the exception to this rule. If there are any Moms out there who are contemplating this name for a future son, I'm telling you right now, don't do it. Don't saddle your kid with this name. He will turn out to be a major pain in the ass. Or worse.

2. Every Crystal I know is ditsy. All adult Crystals I know are involved in the cosmetology field in one way or the other as well. Not that there is anything wrong with that. ( My stylist is not named Crystal, and she is not ditsy, for the record. Her name is Nancy.) And that includes all the ridiculous variant spellings of this name, too: Krystle, Chrystal, Christal, Krysstle, Khristall, etc. When I think of the name Crystal, I automatically know she will have stripey highlights, fake fingernails, and call people (including her mother) "hon."

3. I went to Old Navy with my son to shop for jeans. On the door it said "Join the fun. We're hiring!" No one at Old Navy looks like they are having fun. I don't blame them. They spend their whole shift folding clothes, hanging up clothes, organizing things, sorting things, and telling people where to find things or helping people to find things. In short, they spend their whole shift being someone's MOM. But hey, at least they're getting paid for it.

4. If Halloween is such a bigass holiday, then why no Halloween songs? Personally, I hate this holiday. When I was a kid, I loved it. I loved dressing up and going trick-or-treating and getting a ton of candy. But now, it's out of control. Houses around me take this holiday to a new level. A full-fledged graveyard is in the front of one house on the corner as a body hangs from the tree and a witch greets visitors to the front door. Another house is totally covered (both stories!) with enormous spiders whose webs drape over the eaves and bushes. Skeletons, hanging corpses, bloodied bodies, tombstones--are these really "decorations?" I bet these people are a real hoot at funerals. I am seriously confused as to what we are "celebrating". What, really, are these people doing? I find the whole thing distasteful. Why can't this just be a kid holiday? Do adults have to co-opt it because they can't grow up just yet? Geeze!

5. No time for Halloween grousing, though. Christmas stuff is already in the stores! There will be no Thanksgiving this year! Sorry, but we just can't fit it in. No marketing value.

6. Whatever happened to Mallow-Cups? They used to be sold right next to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They were wonderful. The marshmallow was sticky and there was just a teensy bit of crunchy coconut on the top. Mmmmmm. I love those and they are NOWHERE. And I find that marshmallows, in general, are vastly underused in the confectionery world. And that the word marshmallow is vastly misspelled I'd say a good 85-90% of the time. Oh, and that "Reese's" is vastly mispronounced a good 60% of the time. It is to be pronounced to rhyme with "pieces" not "pee-sees". Sigh.

7. I worry because I do not take photos. Everyone I know takes photos; some of them do it almost every day! They have photos of every single birthday for all of their children, even past elementary school. They have photos of every first day of school for comparison. They document every vacation, every pet, every first of every event. All new cars are photographed, as are gardens, so favorite plants can be placed in the same plots. They have cute candids, family portraits that they did themselves, and photos of astonishing scenery or ironic signs because they carry their cameras in their cars! I am lucky to have my umbrella in my car. Or a CD that I like. And do not get me started about scrapbookers.

8. I have given up on the show "Heroes." Too many characters. Too many places where the script had to do gymnastics with the normal plot events. I wanted to like it. Oh well.

9. Last weekend, a gay guy could not take his eyes off my husband. It was blatant and it was unabashed. (And well-deserved. Rick was nicely dressed and looked lovely.) I could tell that he was flattered and proud that he still "had it" whether it was appreciated by a member of the opposite sex or the same. The guy was only about 25.

10. I had no overtly educational kid tv when I was growing up; at least, nothing like Sesame Street, Barney, or Reading Rainbow. The shows I remember best are Captain Kangaroo, The Jonathan Winters Show, and Lost in Space.

Okay, so! I feel better! Must mean I'm done.

7 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:39 PM

    I agree about both names...and I would know...
    PrincessL

    ReplyDelete
  2. Princess L--

    Seriously! I asked teachers in lots of places and they also agree. Spread the word to all pregnant females down your way. We can stop this!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great post! "Velcro brain hamsters" - hilarious! The only Brandon I can think of is a real a-hole. Very interesting...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Regarding #2: I knew a girl named Crystal Ball. I am not making this up. Her mom was on the school board, and she was a competitive swimmer and an economics major at a good university.

    Regarding #3: This is the best description of retail I have ever read. Let me add that they have to continue to act nice even when they're SERIOUSLY annoyed--another mom trait!

    Regarding #4: They don't celebrate Halloween in most of Europe. I hate the macabre decorations but I do miss seeing pumpkins, hay bales, and gathered corn plants.

    Regarding #6: We part ways on marshmallows. Try not to cry.

    Regarding #7: I worry because you do not take photos. At the same time,I seriously wonder about Americans' obsession with documenting their lives even as I participate in it! Why do we do this? Do our lives look better or more pathetic on paper? I recently started scrapbooking but I don't scrapbook family photos. I don't want my life to be idealized and turned into a series of Hallmark moments. I scrapbook postcards from places I've visited, and most recently, I've started scrapbooking words--phrases, poems, quotes. The challenge is to capture a mood. I like the art of it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. anali--

    thanks for the compliment and also for adding to my ever-burgeoning evidence for The Brandon Theory.

    V--
    Do NOT add to my paranoia about the photo thing. I thought I was being carefree and bohemian about streamlining my life and all. Not viewing my life through the artifice of a camera lens. "Living in the moment and allowing my memories to be my authentic record of my life and experiences" yada yada yada. And just exactly how different *is* Belgian retail if the clerks and salespeople there "have to act nice"? Geeze. You've been away a long time, baby. ;->

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brandon is a name to be feared. I run into a lot of them and it's usually the same creepy kid over and over again.

    I think Halloween is out of control as well. The chick who does my hair says she does it bigger than Christmas. How messed up is that?

    I'm giving Heroes another week to redeem itself. I really want to like it too. I'll let you know if you missed anything.

    ReplyDelete
  7. J.--

    Thank you for being my Heroes
    tivo. I think they can do without the porno chick and the cop so far. At least. I found those to be the most icky plotlines. I find it hard to believe that the show has so far to go the way it's already dragging.

    ReplyDelete

Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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