Monday, May 20, 2019

Change Your Life: Fifth In A Series--I Tell You Where To Go And Ask You For Some Help

Before I try to change all of your lives with this week's Sentence, I want to ask you to help me with next week's post. We've reached the halfway mark with today's offering, so I'm ready to take a break or even call it quits and instead showcase some Honest-To-Goodness helpful sentences, sayings, tips, or tricks that have actually improved all of your lives in an authentic way. These helpers can be practical or philosophical, and they can be from any arena of life you choose:  cooking, driving, crafting, relationships, grief, whatever. All I ask is that you do NOT leave them in comments. Instead, please send them to me via email: deptofnanceATyahooDOTcom. I promise to corral all of them and put them in a post and share them with everyone, hoping that each reader will find some Sparkle Of Wonderfulness to make his or her life better in some way.

Again, no contributions via Comments. Email me your Helpful Wisdom, and I'll share all of them in a post next week. Okay, onward.

This week's Life-Changing Sentence is not the worst thing ever. I can actually see some people finding it to be a worthy philosophy, repeating it sagely to others, especially to adolescents in search of popularity.

Here is Life-Changing Sentence Number Five:

Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated.

This Sentence reminds me of Rev. Jesse Jackson's or Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran's rhetorical style--it's punchy and because it rhymes, it's memorable. (Can't you picture both of them saying this? I can.)

Its source is a motivational speaker and life coach, and the actual quote is "Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated", which makes a little more sense, but the sentiment is still implied in the above Sentence.

The philosophy here is good--to a point. It makes a lot of sense to avoid people who, quite simply, don't want you hanging around with them. As I said above, it's a valuable piece of wisdom to give to middle-schoolers who are desperate to break into the It Clique or sit at the Cool Table for lunch. They might endure some miserable conditions in order to do so.  Kids can be cruel and cutting.  Heaven only knows how this all translates to the various social media platforms. I am daily grateful that I raised my sons well before InstaTwitFace and WhatSnap.

As adults--and I know for sure I qualify since I turned (gasp!) sixty earlier this month--we instinctively know this already, but...do we, really? Again, social media and the internet at large have probably not brought out the best in lots of grownups. But overall, we do tend to go where we are wanted and where people are glad to see us. It's behavioral science at its core--the stimulus and response of operant conditioning.  We love a big greeting, a warm smile, a happy hello. Humans generally want to feel wanted.

As adults, however, we also know that there are times when we have to go where we are "merely tolerated." Sometimes we're caught in a less than desirable work situation where a coworker makes our lives miserable, but go we must. Still other times we have to go to a gathering of our spouse's family, perhaps, where our reception is a bit frosty. I'm sure you can think of lots of examples where we have to put in an appearance and Be Tolerated because it is The Right Thing To Do, our comfort to the contrary.

But by all means, yes, if you find yourself saying about Book Club, perhaps, "Hey! Why do I keep subjecting myself to These People?" and there is no Good Reason, jump that ship and don't even wave goodbye. Then Celebrate Yourself and your Freedom. You've made some space in your life for something better.

Here then is Sentence #5 one more time: Go where you are celebrated, not where you are merely tolerated. Did it "give you the power to go on" and "change your life for the better"?

And don't forget to send me your Tips, Tricks, or Words To Live By for an easier or better life to deptofnanceATyahooDOTcom to be included in next week's post. (And not in Comments.)  Thanks.

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22 comments:

  1. Life changing? No, but good advice.

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  2. I agree with your sentiment completely... At times, we have no choice but to go where we are only tolerated... Hopefully, one can plan those occasions, few and far between, lol.
    In my opinion, everyone wants to be surrounded by people who love them and that they feel comfortable with.
    I hope Spring is being kind to you, my friend...

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    1. Denise--Spring is most welcome, despite its rollercoaster weather! Haven't the trees been gorgeous?

      You bring up a good point. If we can surround the negative interactions with far more positive interactions, it can help immensely. There are some parts of our lives over which we can exert influence, if not outright control. I used to have that discussion with my students a lot. Not all of your life is merely Something That Happens To You.

      Glad to see you here again!

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  3. If only life worked in such a way as to permit me to only go where I am celebrated. I think learning to adjust to situations wherein I am tolerated is what being an adult is all about. Not that this sentence isn't motivational, it's just not in tune with my realities. Still, hope springeth eternal.

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    1. [Hey look at this! I'm able to comment here again. Life is great.]

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    2. Ally--HEY, IS THIS REALLY YOU? YAY!

      It's true; part of being an adult is learning to cope with uncomfortable situations. We don't always have a choice to be where we are covered with love and roses. Sometimes, we learn most about grace and tolerance by rising above difficult people, those who treat us poorly and judge us unfairly. That's a good, valid point.

      I feel like the problem with many of these and other Sentences is that they are quick and glib. They have no nuance because they are short and easy. Like lots of slogans, they sometimes appeal to what the receiver needs to hear at that moment. That can be both good and bad, I guess.

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  4. I feel like this sentence really *wants* to be The Right Thing, but misses the points that you and others have mentioned, where sometimes you have no choice. Having said that, I also think it's a hard lesson to learn for most people, who feel like being with the *right* group is what life is about. Once you find a group where they are just happy because you are there and you're you, I think you can feel better about yourself.

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    1. Bridget--That's a terrific point. Some people do join up with groups or organizations because they want to attain a certain social status or Be Seen or "have it on their resume" in some way or another. They soldier on unhappily because they think it's Worth It, or as you said, it's "what life is about." What a terrible sacrifice!

      It is so important to Find Your People--to be yourself and be that way among others who appreciate you for you. And, as you said, feeling good about yourself is the natural result.

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  5. I think that advice might be a bit more useful if the first word were changed: “Know where your celebrated and where you’re (just) tolerated.” Beyond situations where we know we are tolerated but have to go anyway… and however painfully obvious it should be… I think there are many people who either don’t realize they are not ‘celebrated’ or are in denial because they desperately want to be celebrated everywhere. Typically (and sadly), they are the ones who create an awkward silence regardless of the person they approach in just about any social setting. —P.S. I just read the comment above and realized I have said pretty much the same thing, lol.

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    1. Ortizzle--I like that reworking of the saying. Or, even "learn" could be used there. As some have mentioned, it's impossible to avoid situations where there are unpleasant people or people who merely tolerate our presence. And we can't expect to be universally celebrated merely by showing up. That's immature and unrealistic.

      Having said that, there are some individuals who are just clueless and cannot Read The Room, so to speak. Their desperation makes them stubborn and relentless. Or so eager to please that it's pathetic and makes them a victim of meanspiritedness. I'm sure this is how some bullying occurs in school.

      What we've all discovered in discussing these Sentences is that there's definitely an age factor at work as well as a personal experience factor. That's why declaring outright that they will Change Your Life irritated me so.

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  6. This phrase in its basic concept resonates with me. I lived 35 years in Florida where I conformed to fit in with a group of people. I lost a lot of "myself" in order to fit in.

    I vowed NOT to do that when I moved back north. And for better or worse people get to see the "real" me, not the polished up version. And yes ............I've left groups where I was merely tolerated OR I was merely tolerating those around me. I didn't look back or wave goodbye. I just quietly never showed up again.

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    1. Dee--Ah, the so-called Irish Exit.

      Thanks for giving us a personal anecdote to illustrate how this saying can be meaningful. I think a great many of us can think of a time when we did a little remodeling of ourselves in order to become part of things. The need for human connection is strong; we want compatriots and belonging. It's a tough path to walk alone all the time.

      Sometimes, choosing a sort of artificial setpoint for change is the way to go. For you, it was your significant move. It was like a Reset Button, a Do-Over. Good for you!

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  7. Hey Nance, I sent you an email with my advice (as you know) and I tried signing in to Google...let’s see if that helps...

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    1. Yay! Add tech guru to your resume!

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    2. J@jj.com--Hooray! Yes, Google (who owns Blogger) no longer allows Open ID comments. I either have to choose to allow Anonymous comments or Google Only comments. Allowing Anonymous comments allows all my Wordpress friends, Squarespace friends, and unaffiliated friends. But it has proven disastrous in that I get a ton of spammers all over my blog across new and old posts, mostly from spambots.

      If a commenter has any existing Google ID for any Google account, all you have to do is to be signed in to that account, and you should have no problem commenting here.

      And your email was received with great thanks. Always nice to see you here.

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  8. I'm one of those folks who is blissfully oblivious as to whether or not I'm tolerated. It's not so much that I can't read the room - I just don't want to know if people don't like me. It's too stressful to contemplate. I mean, I WANT them to like me & I do try, but I don't want to lose sleep over whether or not they really like me or not. I think to change my life I should change the saying to "Go where you feel like celebrating, not where it just feels tolerable." I know - doesn't rhyme.

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    1. Bug--So you just go through life barging into places you want to be and if they don't like it, oh well, you just hope for the best but don't really care in the final analysis? I feel like that's what you're saying.
      It's an interesting Philosophy, to be sure. You make your own Party Of One wherever you go!

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  9. I think as one gets older it is more difficult to find places where one is celebrated. I'd rather be isolated than tolerated any day.

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    1. Vagabonde--I hope this isn't true in all cases. I could see how finding more people Our Own Age and getting together could be a concern. And as we grow older, we get more and more comfortable with our own company. That leads to other problems. Ideally, though, we'd rather be where we are loved.

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    2. Those words are not life changing or even very appealing to me. Being in a group simply tolerating my presence wouldn’t be very pleasant, but neither would being constantly celebrated. I would like to just “be” with a group, one that offers other options, not one or the other of those two.

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    3. Joared--I'm sure the metaphor was chosen for its rhyme. Having someone make a big fuss every time I walked in would drive me nuts, too.

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Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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