Monday, March 11, 2019

Signed, Sealed, Delivered...Well, Sort Of


Some Smartypants Thinkerhead once advised that if you are ever angry at someone, you should write him or her a letter. In that letter you should state your feelings in great detail about the situation and really let loose all the anger and frustration within you. Then, says Dr. Thinkerhead, tear up that letter. In that way you have the benefit of the Catharsis without the Damage.

It's pretty decent advice, but I feel like it was given in Ye Olde Dayes, well before Ye Internete, so I'm going to update it a little, and dash off a few missives here. (Hell, I'm being Olde Fashionede as it is, writing Letters on a Blog.)

Dear Google Newsfeed;

Why, Google Newsfeed, why? Why do you insist upon including stories about things in which I have Zero Interest and have never, ever clicked on anywhere? I get why there are stories about Lebron James and the NBA power rankings in my newsfeed; I have a fantasy team and do a lot of research. I understand why stories about Aretha Franklin's tribute suddenly popped up. But I cannot fathom why stories about The Konas Brothers or the Jardashians or Kick/Noe Konas and his wife Chiyanka Propra* are a recurrent and prominent feature.  Trust me when I tell you that not only do I have No Interest in these individuals, I also have--now!--for them all an exponentially growing Anathema.  *(I hope, Dear Readers, that you can figure out who I mean. I am afraid to use their real names, lest Blogger, owned by Google, tells my Newsfeed--wrongly!--that I'm a fan.)

Why, Google Newsfeed, do you refuse to let me delete these stories to improve your algorithm? How much longer do you think I'm going to let you Be The Boss Of Me?

Your News Is Not Good News,
Nance


Dear Dog Breeders Who Advertise In The Cleveland Plain Dealer;

I get that Dogs are your thing and not Spelling. It might be worth thinking about, however, that One Never Gets A Second Chance To Make A First Impression.

Woof,
Nance


Dear FineLife Products;



I have...so many questions. What kind of salad component is a bottled or canned beverage? What in the hell is HOMEGATING? If this is a Salad Bar, why is there only one bowl of a salad-like foodstuff? And, finally (perhaps most importantly to some people), where are the bacon bits?

For The Good Life,
Nance

Waiting to hear from you in Comments.


original image Vermeer's "A Lady Writing"



16 comments:

  1. I wrote one such letter about a month ago. I cooled down. I left it on my desktop. Last week I decided I was over it. I erased it. Having it to read for a bit made me more cognicent of how I want to interact with this person in the future. Inflatable salad bar? Seems like a trough of germs........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. kathy b--You showed an immense amount of restraint, having it around for a whole month.

      Delete
  2. I don't get a newsfeed from any place except on Facebook. I don't even know how to get a newsfeed, if I wanted one. My home page is blank, something my tech person set up for me a long time ago with just a few clicks in settings, so I didn't have to look at what stuff I don't care about. At least on Facebook you can click to hide and give feedback why you're not interested. There are directions online for setting up an "About Blank" page, if your home place is where you get your newsfeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jean--My home page is blank, too. Something different entirely, but thank you. And yes, I would love a HIDE button for my Google News.

      Delete
  3. It ain't a salad bar if it ain't got bacon bits, especially BAC-Os!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dee--LOL, Bac-Os. They contain NO MEAT. Quite the little product, they are.

      Delete
  4. I can't imagine why you are not fascinated by the lives of those Important Celebrities ... ;-)

    It makes me nuts when there are incorrectly spelled words in ads - it really wouldn't matter what was being offered, if the ad itself has an issue, you lost me.

    I'm guessing that HOMEGATING is the home equivalent of tailgating? Who cares, though? Maybe if you have a pool, you think that floating "picnic" is perfect. Looks dumb to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bridget--Isn't HOMEGATING just...a picnic? Why make up a dumb word for something that already exists, right?

      And I promise to be fascinated by the lives of those Newsfeed Crashers when they are suitably and reciprocally fascinated by mine. And yours. Package deal.

      Delete
  5. LOL. The news feeds drive me crazy...so do ads on blogs. I don't look at ads (or a newspaper) so they don't bother me (but they would if I did!). The inflatable salad bar had me laughing out loud and just about spitting out my coffee (attractive to say the least). Thanks for a good laugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vera--So happy to have made you laugh, despite the UCE (Ugly Coffee Emission).

      As to ads on blogs, I use a good adblocker extension on my browser, so I don't see them. Thank goodness. I just see the little clicker number go up and up as the blocker catches them and tallies up the ones it has nabbed.

      Delete
  6. I was HORRIFIED at the idea of "burner puppies" until I realized what they meant. Whew!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bug--Right? All I could think of, really, was the slang of "burner phones"--those cheapy cell phones criminals buy off a rack at a drug store or megamart because they are untraceable.

      I'm increasingly amused at the so-called Designer Puppy Breeds--labradoodles, cavapoos, chorkies, etc. Basically, they're just crossbreeds or Intentional Mutts. Shakespeare asked "What's in a name?" The answer is "Big bucks from suckers."

      Delete
  7. My letter would actually be to Next Door. I resisted "joining" for years since the producers are from out of state and I felt certain it was purely to grab my name and email address to sell. But I needed to find a new cleaning service so I reluctantly joined. Most of my near neighbors have asked that I join. We live in a gated community with lots of amenities, including a clubhouse with dining room and grill. Most of the posts have to do with describing the delicious meal (even a cheeseburger for God's sake) someone had or the lovely Sunday buffet. Others deal with activities that are planned. Activities that are described in our weekly (hard copy or Online) newsletter. I want to yell in all caps, WE ALL LIVE HERE, STUPID. WE ALL KNOW THIS. POST YOUR CHEESEBURGER ON FACEBOOK, NOT HERE.

    So there is much of the letter which I sent to you instead of the people who need to know. But honestly? I do feel better Nance. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NCmountainwoman--Oh, I know all about Next Door, the micro FB for neighborhoods. It is yet another online opportunity for reversion to junior high mentality, which, sadly, will end up happening whenever people can get behind a keyboard rather than face a real person. In your case, the Next Door people are using it as a narrative Instagram since they are Of A Certain Age.

      Well bless their hearts. They are real Boosters of your Community. But to each other. Sigh.

      I'm glad to provide your Catharsis. But now I want a cheeseburger. ;-)

      Delete
  8. Nance, you make me laugh. I feel the same way about my news feed. Why are these celebrities on it? And I might add all sorts of article on cosmetics, hair care and such. Have they seen me lately? Are they trying to tell me something? I know I don't wear make-up and barely brush my hair. I am afraid they are sending me a secret message.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meredith--And now you've made ME laugh! I never thought about my newsfeed trying to ring the changes upon my basic character or lifestyle. Now I'm going to look much more closely at some of the stories and what they may be trying to do for me...or TO me. ;-)

      Delete

Oh, thank you for joining the fray!

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