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Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Welcome To The Show! I Hope You Brought Your Melted Butter, Or, Come To Think Of It, A Mallet Might Be Kinder.


Welcome to Getting Real With Nance. Today's show will feature Nance Getting Real on a variety of topics, mainly because she's Crabby, Over It, and generally Irked. Let's jump right in and join her Already In Progress, while vacuuming.

Nance: I mean, it just does not matter! I brush them every single damn day, yet all they have to do is WALK INTO A ROOM, and it is covered in their hair. No. Lie. The carpet is covered. The tables are covered. *I* am covered. It is a Losing Battle, this war between me and cat hair. But I refuse to surrender. I will never stop wearing black, either. Never. Never!

Voiceover Announcer: Nance walks into the bathroom to put away towels, setting off a new, but related, monologue.

Nance: Holy crap! Look at the hair in here! It's my hair, it's Rick's hair, it's everywhere. I simply cannot escape the hair around here. If it's not cat hair, it's our hair. How do we even have any left on our heads?! I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Voiceover Announcer: Later, after a frantic and manic bathroom cleaning session left her exhausted, Nance rests in her chair. Unwisely, she browses the Interwebs.

Nance: How hard is it? How hard, everyone? The word is YEAH. The correct spelling is Y-E-A-H. Not Y-A, like you're speaking a foreign language and pronouncing it YAW. Not Y-A-H, like...holy hell, I don't even know why you would spell it like that, ever. And while I'm at it, the word is VOILA. It's French. It means "there you are" or "there it is." It is pronounced VWAH-LAH. It is not some bastardized funsy American word spelled WALA, WALLA, WALLAH, WAH LAH, or WA-LA. Every time I hear or see someone use it incorrectly I wish I could haul the offender up and smack her. Or him. And do NOT get me started on "low and behold" for "lo and behold." So, so painful.  And so symptomatic of What Is Wrong With America on so many levels.

Voiceover Announcer: Unable to rest, Nance is up again and shifting laundry in the basement.

Nance: I deserve nice clean sheets to sleep on. So what. I hate doing sheets. Hate it. It's exhausting. And the load goes off-balance in the washer. And I have to stay down here to make sure it finishes the cycle. And then I get to look at other stuff that needs to be done. Which reminds me, I need to clean litterboxes. And that means sweeping the floor because Marlowe is an aggressive litter scratcher. Because of course she is.

Voiceover Announcer: Back from shuffling laundry and taking the used litter outside to the trash, Nance makes a quick snack of yogurt and fruit so that she can take her bigass vitamins.

Nance: Oh, hell. I forgot that we ran the dishwasher last night. How sad is it that I'm ready to complain about unloading dishes that I didn't even have to stand at the sink and wash? Someone should smack me. But if that someone could sweep my kitchen floor first, that would be great. Or scrub out the tub--even better. Anything, really. Then smack me. Smack away.

Voiceover Announcer: Jared arrives. He needs to use Nance's iPad in order to participate in a West Coast podcast. It is 12:30; the podcast starts at 1:00. He has to search for and download software. He also announces that he will be taking a shower since he came straight from the gym. Lunch may also happen.

Nance: Jared...how...? And I'm warning you now--I'm really, really crabby. Almost violently so.

Jared: Mom. It's okay. And have you tried dancing? Here, watch this.

Voiceover Announcer: Jared dances. Nance is motionless and helpless. Jared spends twenty minutes trying to contact his people on the West Coast to figure out the software download; finally he is successful. He tells them he will jump in at 1:15, takes a shower, and mixes up a "blue drink" which he may or may not have drunk in the shower.

Jared: Mom, I'm surprised you don't have the air on. It's supposed to be hot today.

Nance: I think it's comfortable. I'm sick of air conditioning. If you get too warm in the office during your podcast, turn on the ceiling fan.

Voiceover Announcer: Nance goes down to do the final laundry shift. On her way she belches loudly and uncomfortably.

Nance: Ugh. These damned vitamins. Can't I just get some sort of timed-release implant or something, like that birth control thingy? Or a patch, like they do for people who want to quit smoking? Wow. Did I really just say that? I am so, so crabby. It would not surprise me one bit if I looked down and my hands literally became big, red, pinchy claws.

***

Voiceover Announcer:  This has been Getting Real With Nance.  Nance urges you to Get Real in Comments. You know what she always says: Wallow A Little, Bitch A Lot. Or maybe it's Bitch A Little, Wallow A Lot; she can't ever remember. Either way, let loose your Real and feel no shame.



(original crab photo via Synapse Science Magazine)


29 comments:

  1. I laughed out loud at your request for someone to sweep your kitchen floor. I had just been looking at mine and wishing the same. When you don't have any energy, every job looks too hard. I would have smacked a kid that wanted me to dance my crabbiness away. You want to cheer me up, take the broom, take the laundry. LOL

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Jean R--Honestly. I love my original hardwood kitchen floor, but I have Zero Idea how it gets so effing dirty every effing day. EFF.

      And yes, I am still struggling with my Stamina Issues. There is So Much To Do--and all the time! My strategy is to Go Like Gangbusters until I am spent, but then I truly am spent, like a limp rag. No go left. Then each successive day, I am a little worse until I am a disaster. Obviously, this can't be the right way, but again--SO MUCH TO DO! Things just got neglected and stacked up for the months and months I was so sick.

      And Jared--Jared just tries to take me out of myself and out of the moment when I am so manic like that. Bless his heart, sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. And had I asked him to help, he would have. But I was on a roll!

      Delete
    2. I figured as much about Jared. My brother was like that, always trying to tease my mom into a better mood and it often worked.

      Delete
  2. Oh Nance I do love you. I needed that laugh big time. What's your take on wanting to strangle your husband? Will you visit me in jail?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mary G--I love you, too. I'm so glad you laughed. Get into my archives now and again and laugh some more. I was funny a lot Back In The Day.

      As far as strangling my husband...sigh. About every other day. We are Very Different People about Lots Of Things, most notably household order and Threshholds Of Cleanliness. And sometimes humour. And he is rather a Spare Conversationalist, and I am...well...Not.

      Don't go to jail; go to Wine Country instead. And soon. Or come here and you and I will go and stay at the lake for a while. We'll call it a Self-Preservation Vacation With Libation.

      Delete
    2. What a fine idea! Maybe if I strangle my doctor who, on top of everthing else, is now sending me for sleep apnea testing. Gah! Hey, I should add that I love your posts even when you are not being funny.

      Delete
  3. Well -- you asked for it! I'm disappointed with how you described your day with such hairy niceties -- and smoothed over all annoying aspects of cleaning to cite just a couple problems I have with this post. I just became very annoyed reading your words, wondering why you couldn't be more forthright, honest and open describing your feelings and what you were really thinking. Obviously, you're so out of touch with the times, living in a reality from a past generation or you would have roomba and other robots running your household, so you could dance to free up your emotions. Perhaps another time you'll release your inhibitions to share the real you with us.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. joared--Sigh. Do you think it would be Wrong if I started a Go Fund Me page so that I could get a Roomba?

      Probably pointless, since the cats would be against it. They are both afraid of the vacuum as it is.

      How about a GFM for Merry Maid services? Or...where do you live, again...?

      Let's dance.

      Delete
    2. GFM....hm--m-m....maybe we could come up with some mutually beneficial project worthy of others support. I don't travel well in this heat so coming there to assist you is not possible -- as appealing the thought of doing so is. I've been asking that same question -- where do I live? About dancing.......maybe later.

      Delete
  4. This had me both laughing out loud, and agreeing! My current pet peeves in the language world are "Awe," as in "Awe, that's so cute." AWE is not cute - it is awe-inspiring. Ahhh or Ohhhh, etc. are what should be used here.

    Also - "Opps!" OMG people it's OOPS - how hard is that????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bridget--I'm so glad to have given you a laugh.

      I've addressed AWE/Aaaw/aaah in a previous Defender of the Language column. I detest that error as well. If you want to remark on the cuteness or adorableness of a baby otter, it's "Aww, how cute!" or "Ohh, look at how adorable!"

      And thank you for bringing up Opps to torture me (LOL). OPPS rhymes with POPS. OOPS is correct, of course, because in doubling the letter O, we are elongating the vowel sound.

      EXPLAINING IT MAKES IT HARD. JUST DO IT, EVERYONE.

      :-)

      Delete
  5. Hahaha - like Bridget, laughing out loud and agreeing (or perhaps crying). Bathroom hair - OMG. My husband cuts his own hair...plus trims his beard [in the Fall/Winter] or shaves [in the Spring/Summer] -- all of this over one or both sinks in the bathrooms. When I go into the bathroom and want to wash my hands, I find that I have a hairy sink! Oy! If you find the patch for vitamins, please share.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Vera--THIS TOO! And does he do it IN THE SHOWER AS WELL? And leave the nasty beard trimmer in there for you to lift and get that mess all over the place as you are CLEANING?

      And Rick has very, very long hair, way past his shoulders. I have long hair as well. That stuff is EVERYWHERE. I have found our long hairs festooning the walls, picture frames on the wall, and on the valance. Thank you, blowdryer. It is a daily job to de-hair the main bathroom. DAILY.

      THIS IS NOT WHY I RETIRED. REALLY NOT.

      Delete
  6. People mispronounce voilà? Either I'm not hearing them when they say that, or no one I know mispronounces it. That just weird.

    As for cat hair, I don't think that you can ever get rid of all of it. They have their ways of embedding it, like a computer virus, into your home. It's there forever.

    As for something to bitch about... I'm going to go with "it's not the heat, it's the humidity." Honestly what's the point of getting my hair cut every 6 weeks, when humidity turns it into a frizzy mess regardless of its "style." I look awful this time of year-- and I'm bitter about it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ally Bean--Oh, it's not so much the mispronouncing, but the writing. In comment sections on the Interwebs, especially in cooking forums, it's there constantly. So terribly hurtful. In one commercial for either an insurance or car repair service, there's a mom with active kids who is complaining about HAVING TO KEEP HER OWN KIDS IN CHECK (imagine!), and she is real excited about how the one place gets everything done speedily so that she DOESN'T HAVE TO MANAGE HER OWN CHILDREN. At one point, she uses the word voila, but I swear she pronounces it walla. Maybe I'm just being snotty and looking for it. But you know I'm watching her mouth and looking for that fricative V.

    Honestly, there IS NO POINT to doing one's hair at all during the summer. NONE. AT ALL. I still have weak arms, and it is a chore to blow dry and use the round brush on my hair, only to step outside and in FOUR SECONDS look as if I had been wearing a hat for three days straight. Bitter does not begin to cover it. Outraged, Bordering On Murderous...let's start there, shall we?

    And Cat Hair.... After TravisCat and EmilyCat, the Original Dept. Cats, died years and years ago, it was at least three years until I could pull on any clothing with confidence that it did NOT have to be checked for cat hair. And Emily was around for 18 years. For reference, the current resident felines are 6. SIGH.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are hilarious - and it's so good to see you having the energy to do these tasks & then get annoyed by them. We have the hair thing too. Mine is short & straight, but lordy it is EVERYWHERE. Mikes's is long & curly, and ditto. Fortunately, I can't easily get into the bathroom he uses, so I don't have to endure whatever hell might be going on in there.

    On Sunday, I went out to a wedding reception for my dad & his bride. I decided to use the wheelchair because there was going to be a lot of walking & standing around. And it was SO ANNOYING! I wasn't in charge of my own locomotion (Dana: "Why are we stopping? What's going on?" Mike (who can't hear): "What?"). And I was even shorter than usual ("Who's talking? I can't see!"). I am SO grateful that this is temporary.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Bug--Oh, thanks. My energy has worn Way Out, however, and I'm down for the count today as a result. Still trying to find that Line Between Doing And Overdoing.

      THE HAIR. Thank you for commiserating. I love Rick's long hair--it really is lovely--but on his head and not all over the place. Impossible.

      Rick also has tinnitus and is almost deaf in one ear! (You and I have a lot to talk about; our husbands wouldn't hear any of it.) I know it's a terrible trial for Rick, but it's also frustrating for me, AS YOU KNOW. I can only imagine what you were enduring, and have a renewed sense of compassion (and understanding) for anyone who must use a wheelchair all the time.

      I'm glad your Rolling Time is temporary as well. Not much longer now til your surgery and some relief. Keep us in the loop.

      Delete
  9. You are so real nance and I appreciate that so much. I have been crabby all week, oldest son living at home is going well but he is living at home so need I say more? Why am I always upset when I get up and the dishwasher has been run, my husband will put it on after I go to bed. I feel like I have already started the day running behind when I have to unload it. Max's hair is EVERYWHERE! I brush him, I vacuum. I walk by him, I vacuum. I look at him and see him shedding and vacuum. He sheds a whole dog everyday. As for my hair, don't even get me started!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Meredith--I love that line: "He sheds a whole dog every day." It's so true! How can our pets shed an entire coat each and every day, yet remain so furry?

      And I totally get what you mean about the dishes needing to be unloaded when you get up in the morning. Trust me; I am continually grateful for a machine that washes my dishes for me while I sleep, watch TV, or go do something else. I well remember standing at the sink and doing a load of dishes from a family of SIX when I was living at home as a kid. But waking up to it does make you feel like you're starting the day behind rather than "Oh hooray! Nice clean dishes, done while I slept!" It's a Perspective Thing, and when I'm crabby already, it's fuel for that fire.

      And I do get it regarding Eldest Son. I love my kids, but adding another person is just that--adding more to the workload and adding another variable, which adds stress.

      Speaking of--today I'm down with fatigue and a migraine. I had it coming. I tried to do too much. Don't we all?

      Delete
  10. My mother used to call me "Crabby Appleseed." (Where did that expression come from, anyway? I "googled" it with no real success in terms of determining its origin.) Anyway, I definitely got my share of "crabby" genes, likely from my paternal grandmother who was also famous for her killer sarcasm. It is something I have to keep in check, as I sometimes over-react in public to things that do not rate the degree of crabbiness that I am wont to display.

    That said, being/feeling crabby is necessary and therapeutic in many cases, as you have so expertly outlined:

    *Ignorance: The redundancy of “ICBM missiles” and “ISBN numbers.” Or sayings that get mangled, such as "take it for granite.” — Cringe-worthy and annoying.

    *Daily Irritants Caused by Poorly Functioning Machines: e.g., my washing machine, which is a mere 3 years old, was suddenly taking 3.5 hours for a 45-minute cycle, stopping at several intervals, and requiring a final re-set to “rinse and spin only” if I did not want a smelly clothes swamp after all that. (This made me crabby enough to get a new washer, since the cost of a new circuit board + parts and labor was about the same.)

    *People Behaving Stupidly: There are daily reminders of this on a personal level, but my biggest peeve is everything 45 says, tweets or does. Crabby is about my only way of coping. That, and just not watching the news as much. (I cannot bear to watch him in a live broadcast of anything.)

    *Wandering off on a tangent: In spite of the crab-fest, I do hope you are continuing to improve with your vitamin D treatment. I recently had a yearly physical and my doc said my Vitamin D level was in the cellar. So I am now mega-dosing on that stuff, although only about half what you are taking, I think (50,000 IUs/week, and I think your dose is double!). I do feel somewhat better, although it has only been 2 months. I go back in September for a check-up. BTW: The vitamin D that I am taking is D2, whereas I think you said you were taking D3. I just saw an article on the net about how D3 is much better, and in fact, D2 can actually be harmful in some circumstances. I need to take this up with my doc. I know she is the professional and I should keep my mouth shut, but I am at least going to demand a convincing explanation.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ortizzle--Dearest, there you are! It feel like forever.

      First off, Vitamin D! Holy crap. I wish you a speedy Return To Wellness. I am still not 100%, and certainly know it when I've crossed that Line between Pushing It and Overdoing It. Please be kind and nurturing to yourself. I would like to send you some Patience, but I need what paltry amount I've got.

      As far as the Type of Vitamin D, when I was megadosing for two months, it was indeed D2. Once I was done with that 2X a week for 2 months, I switched over to 2000 of D3 and a multivitamin (for the calcium and Bcomplex) daily. I don't know why we megadose 2 then maintain on 3, but the doctors do, and I was so overloaded on info, that I just let them take the mental load on that one. FEEL MORE BETTER SOON!

      Like you, I'm trying to avoid exposure to 45*. (I use the asterisk to denote that it is a Faux Presidency. Because I know it is/will be, and I am positive it will not be a full term.) I will not elaborate all the Outrage here and now, but at some point when I recover my health sufficiently, I will probably put up a post here doing so.

      I don't know if you were reading here at the Dept. when I wrote about my can opener, but out of a latent (Catholic) streak of masochism coupled with parsimony, I still have it after about 25 years. I hate it with a vicious passion because it only works when/if it feels like it, but I refuse to get rid of it. And using a manual can opener irritates the shit out of me. And do NOT get me started on front-loading washing machines (we inherited one at the lakehouse), which are shitful and worthless. I will never get rid of my ancient toploader Maytag.

      My mother used to call all of us Crabby Appleton, who was an actual villain in the Tom Terrific cartoon. Here is a picture of him. I try hard not to get crabby because, as you know, it is a mood which feeds on itself and produces a downward spiral of negativity. Like you, I can become biting and caustic, and while my vocabulary really gets stellar and precise during such times, it's not the best use of my intellect.

      Oh, "taken for granite!" Ugh. Idiom mangling is awful. Redundancy is worse, and it is Jared's bugaboo: ink pen, hamburger meat, tuna fish. He is in excruciating pain from those, along with ATM machine, which activates both his migraine trigger and his gag reflex.

      Definitely my child.

      Again, rest, relax, and in the words of my friend Shirley--PRACTICE RADICAL SELF-CARE. XXOO

      Delete
  11. Oh, I am late to the party!

    I do not understand how people can get toothpaste on the bathroom mirror. HOW?? You put the toothpaste on the brush, the brush goes to your teeth, it does not touch the mirror at any time. Do they fling the toothbrush? Why would they do that? I need to know, because it drives me crazy to clean it off.

    Hugs to you! Your energy will come back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gina--A little late, but always welcome!

      I hear you. And while I applaud energetic toothbrushing--AND I DO--I also wonder why anyone has to watch himself/herself do it. Step back, away from the mirror. Even in my teensy bathroom (where I can touch the shower curtain and the mirror if I stand in the center of the room, arms outstretched), I can still take a step back from the sink and not into the tub.

      And how nuts does it make you to wipe up toothpaste in the sink and off the faucet? Why can't the toothbrushers do that DIRECTLY AFTER TOOTHBRUSHING, THEMSELVES? A little maintenance by each person in the house would go a long way.

      Oh, ha ha. It is to laugh. Why not ask for a billion dollars while I am at it? I know.

      Thanks for the hugs. All my dear, kind, terrific commenters help me so much. They really really do.

      Delete
  12. Hi Nance and friends. I so needed to hear all these real people talking--thank you, thank you. I just agree with everything any of you said. I sometimes wish I wasn't so sensitive to language; when we (adult daughter and I are both condemned to this place) get an absolutely inane and incomprehensible message from the children who "manage" our dreadful apt. complex, I invariably have to ask my daughter to translate for me. So there's another little mantra for you--you don't have to live in an apt. complex (at least, I hope you don't).
    And I must support Nance's claim about "walah," which is a running joke with daughter and me. I think it's most common among the crafters and mommie bloggers. I used to think the usage was tongue in cheek, but now I'm pretty sure a lot of people think that's a word.
    I wouldn't think of torturing you with the many examples I acquired during long years of teaching Freshman Writing, but maybe one or two. Ect for etc. Most kids knew that was short for et cetera, (as I pointed out now and then, suggesting they look at the word), but I think the concept of written communication was simply a different category than what they heard said around them. Current example: transcripts of politicians' statements often use the word "gonna" now. Ah well, language evolves. I just can't "phantom" how people are so careless with language (a very sweet neighbor used to say that).
    So I'm putting off all the crappy errands I need to run, but you sirens pulled me in. My current mantra--It's just a day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kate--Hello, and welcome to the Dept.! You are certainly among Real Friends here whenever you want to chat amongst smart and witty and simply Nice People. Come often.

      Er--as often as I can get something up here to talk about, anyway. Sigh.

      I like that mantra as well--At least I don't live in an apartment complex. I do live in a neighborhood where homes are only a skinny driveway apart, but I'm lucky in that my neighbours are quiet for the most part and considerate, too. Especially since the Yappy Dog Owners moved out. Yay.

      THANK YOU for seconding me on "walah". And as far as the source, you may be right. I am not a frequenter of those particular Interweb areas, but once in a while, I do have to look up a knitting thing or a cooking thing, or I read a comment on a particular how-to article, and there it is. Ugh.

      And yes, I agree, The Language evolves, and for the most part, I am an enthusiastic embracer of its expansion. I like how people adapt The Language; when I was teaching high school, I often found my students' slang to be refreshing and exciting and fun. It's the dragging down of The Language from laziness and ignorance that offends me, like your example of "gonna" as acceptable use. "Irregardless" is another one. The incessant repetition of "like" is another. All are horrendous and awful.

      One of my neighbors insists on saying "southmore" rather than "sophomore." So painful.

      Thank you for calling me a Siren. That made my day today!

      Delete
  13. My cousin's daughter, who is 22, writes 'yuh'. Like 'yuh' is easier to type than 'you'? It drives me nuts. It drives my English major daughter nuts as well.

    I made the mistake of cleaning the hair/toothpaste out of the sink the other day. You know, the stuf down in the pipes but still reachable? SO GROSS.

    Mulder sheds so much, we have to vacuum daily, and even then it looks as though we never do. A woman I was chatting with outside of Starbucks this morning remarked that she does not like animals because she can't stand the hair. She said, "clearly his shedding doesn't bother you." I replied, "Actually, it does bother me, it's just that he's worth the bother."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. J@jj--YUH? As in, "How yuh doin'?"?! Because the accepted colloquial spelling/term "ya" is simply not DOING IT FOR HER?! Holy crap. I can't, as they say, even.

      Rick is responsible for anything beyond the surface of sinks and tubs. He has a handy, dandy flexible little plastic doodad that he sticks in there, waggles around, and pulls out--full of our long hair and...YUCK. Highly recommended (for others to use).

      Mulder is absolutely worth the bother, as are my Piper and Marlowe, although when I am in the thick of a Cat Hair Pity Party, it is tough to remember it. Your reply was lovely and perfect, and I am not sure I would have had one so apt and graceful at the ready.

      (I hope you know I am thinking of you daily. I hope you are doing well.)

      Delete
    2. Nance, she types, "Thank yuh", or "I miss yuh", or "I love yuh". It's horrible.

      I would love that doodad. I wonder what it's name in the real world would be? I'll bet if I were to ask at my local Ace Hardware, they'd have an answer for me.

      (Thank you for your kind thoughts. We're hanging in there. That's the best we can manage right now.)

      Delete
    3. J--I think it's called a ZipIt drain cleaning tool. It also might go by Flexi Snake made by another manufacturer. It is readily available at lots of cheapo stores as well as on Amazon.

      XXOO

      Delete

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