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Thursday, April 06, 2017

In Which I Wonder Why I Ever Leave The House At All, And Leave All Of You To Make The Obvious Pun Involving Eggs

ACT I.  Scene opens on Nance, standing in yet another ridiculously long line at the grocery store. Sympathetic Manager catches her eye, waves her into a new lane, just opening.

Nance: (to Manager) Oh thank you! (begins to place items on the belt)
Cashier: Hi, how are you today?
Nance: Fine. How are you?
Cashier: Good. Hey, do you have any heavy items under there?
Nance: Yes, I was just going to tell you--
Cashier: (interrupting) Okay. I'm not allowed to bend or lift anything heavy.
Nance: That's fine. I usually leave the cases under there and let the cashiers--
Cashier: (interrupting) If you push your cart up here, I'll give you the scanner and let you scan 'em.
Nance: Whatever works for you. (finishes unloading and pushes cart to cashier's station)
Cashier: Okay, here you go. Just scan the one, and I'll double it here.
Nance: Got it. All set.
Cashier: Yeah, no heavy lifting or bending for me. Found out I'm not just fat--I'm pregnant!
Nance: (not sure how to respond to this, or if it's even required, continues preparing to pay for eventual final total)
Cashier: (blithely continuing with great aplomb) Yep! Thirty-seven weeks. At first I thought it was all the holiday eating, but nope. It wasn't just fat. (looks directly at Nance, expectantly--no pun intended)
Nance: (truly stuck now) Oh...my. Well. There you go!
Cashier: Huh?
Nance: Um, did you subtract that coupon?
Cashier: Yep! Sure did.

(They are interrupted momentarily by another shopper who, upon leaving, mentions very discreetly to the Cashier that her bagger, a young man with special needs, is losing his pants. Not wanting to embarrass him then, she hopes that perhaps this Cashier might speak to him.)

Cashier: Okay. Thank you. (turns toward bagger, several lanes down, shouts) Hey! Hey! Darrin! Pull your pants up, dude! Pants!
Nance: (mouth starting to dry out from being agape, closes it)
Cashier: Okay. Here's your total. I can print that check for you. Oh, by the way, I see you got large eggs. Didn't you know that the extra large are the same price this week?
Nance: Oh, no. I didn't. Had I known, I'd have gotten the extra large.
Cashier:  ( pityingly)  Yep. They are. Okay, here's your receipt. Have a great day!

ACT II. Scene opens in living room, later that evening. Rick and Nance are on the couch. Nance is telling Rick about her grocery store adventure.

Nance: (still not over any of it) ...and then, after all that, she waits until she has rung the total and is sending me on my way to tell me about the eggs! Why?! I should have said, "I'll stand here while you go get me the extra large" or "I'll wait here while you send someone to get me the extra large" or...something!
Rick: (laughing) Really? That's what you wish you would have said?

End.

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26 comments:

  1. I can't not think of a single reply to say to someone who could admit to being THAT pregnant and not know it!

    I hate it when a cashier tells we something like you egg scenario.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jean R.--Sigh. I am not often speechless. I plead temporary insanity, I guess?

      Delete
  2. Well, the egg thing at the end gave me a real chuckle. And I’m not gonna lie: it was partly because of the double-meaning of “eggs” in Spanish. You likely know from your childhood friend Esther, but if not, I am sure you can guess. Or was that the “obvious pun”? If so, I had no idea that this interpretation had seeped into English as well. If not... I am even more obtuse than I thought.

    Beyond that: I truly sympathize with your situation. So tacky of the cashier! But then, her tackiness was showing all round, especially with the poor lad whose pants were dropping. Such a comfort to know she is reproducing. (As for not knowing... I do kind of get that, but only because I have watched too many episodes of "I didn't know I was pregnant.")

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ortizzle--No, I wasn't thinking at all of that, but of the more obvious idea of ova, i.e., and the play there that she was unaware of her own "eggs", but super on top of the ones in the grocery store. Maybe I am the one who is obtuse after all.

      I am so stunned by these individuals who say they have No Idea that they are pregnant. HOW!?!?!? How is that Possible?! The babies--mine, anyway--move all over the place. Even if you are heavy, there is no mistaking that for gas. Holy crap.

      And yes, tacky Overmuch. And now there will be More Of Her.

      Delete
  3. It would seem that your cashier is not an egghead, and is a bit cracked. At least she wasn't some hard-boiled woman, although she did leave you with egg on your face for not knowing about the better egg deal. Obviously, going through her line is a bit of a scramble. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ally Bean--Lots of Eggy References there; well done.

      Nancy would be proud.

      Delete
  4. Geeze. How do you NOT know? So sad that she is multiplying. And, yes, I would have waited for someone to get me the extra large eggs...I would have insisted on it once she mentioned it (and I may have asked why she was so aware of those eggs, but not her own)...geeze.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vera--Yes! Honestly, after all of THAT, I was speechless for one of the few times in my life. And honestly, I did not want any further interaction with her. Who knows HOW it may have played out?

      Delete
  5. I would have said "um..let me out of here" as I scrambled out the door.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Silliyak--True. After loading the bags in my car, I had to sit there and compose myself for several minutes. It was a lot.

      Delete
  6. Eggsactly, Nance, I am proud of Ally Bean for her punny comment. It did crack me up and I'm sorry I didn't poach the idea for myself;and that's no yolk.So, eggcuse me while I leave you to ponder this riddle. Why are all eggs unhappy today? Because it's FRY DAY.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nancy--Well done! And welcome back. Certainly there can be nothing left to say after that.

      Delete
  7. Friday night at the beginning of spring break, so I've got nothing. Except the knowledge that teachers will always be needed. Idiocracy is alive and well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rose--We've always Been There, yet...All Of This. Sigh.

      Enjoy break.

      Delete
  8. Nothing left to say? I think not. I was going to hatch another plan but omeletting you go because I tired of all this, and my brain is fried.
    I just want to have an eggspresso now and relax.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh I am so so horrible at puns. I have never been good at them. I am not even going to try.

    I am heavy and there is no way baby movements could ever be mistaken for gas. EVER.

    On another note, my son was accepted into the fancy-schmancy school! I am so proud and so excited for him. I am hoping this can be a great launching pad for him into somewhere like CalArts or something like that. It's a school that has been ranked anywhere between the 13th and 70th top schools in CA, (depending on who is doing the measuring and the criteria) and in the top 200 to 500 high schools in the country, again, depending.

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to brag, but I can't really do it anywhere else!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gina--You and me both: I always leave others to do what they're best at. I know my role.

      Listen, being heavy or being thin, pregnancy and gas never, ever feel the same. I've been everything from a size 0 to a size 18. And I've been gassy at each and every size, and pregnant twice. THERE IS NO COMPARISON. NOT EVEN CLOSE. AT ANY STAGE. EVER. STOP IT. NOW.

      ********************

      On to other more pleasant things.

      I am so thrilled for your son and for you that he was accepted to that school. It's a credit to you both. And I'm so happy and gratified that you feel you can share that news here. Of course we're happy for you and proud of you both. It's a terrific achievement for your son and a wonderful opportunity for him. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to celebrate with you!

      YAY!!

      Delete
    2. That's fabulous! Congratulations to all of you!

      Delete
  10. Go ahead and brag, Gina. We have all been reading about each other's lives at this site for years now.Who better to brag to than your friends here?
    Give your son our best wishes and congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Nancy! :)

      Delete
  11. You need to change stores -- mine would have called someone to get me the extra large eggs without my having to ask. So much for being discrete asking that boy to pull up his pants -- sounds like that checkout clerk has a problem greater than just being unexpectedly pregnant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. joared--We're not exactly spoiled for choice here in my town as far as good grocery stores, and I don't want to run all over the place just for food shopping. What I sacrifice in Cashier Service is made up for in good produce, good prices overall, and usually pleasant service from other employees.

      There have been lots of new cashiers lately; this one was new to me, and I don't remember seeing her before. I agree that she Has A Lot To Learn and about A Lot Of Things.

      Sigh.

      Delete
  12. Mike has a former student who found out she was pregnant, not fat. To be fair, we don't really know at what point she realized - but the way she announced it on Facebook was all, hey guys, this happened! VERY ODD.

    I'd like to have some sort of candid camera deal where we could watch Nance, mouth agape, at a loss for words. It would be highly entertaining. (As you know, I've been known to recreate such moments on my blog - ha!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bug--The minute you mentioned The Facebook, it lost all credibility. FB is not Real Life; it is a curated Life Simulation, and for many people, an attention-seeking outlet.

      Plus, this cashier made it sound as if she JUST found out at 37 weeks or so that she was pregnant. And while I realize that a first pregnancy is a novel experience, having been With Child twice and With Gas and Fat many times, I can safely say that there is absolutely no comparison.

      As to the Entertainment Value of me losing my composure--oh, I have no doubt it would tickle most people, especially those who know me. Personally? I find it as discomfiting as an episode of gas.

      Delete

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