While away On Jaunt, if you will, Dearest Readers, I met a new dogfriend named Stella. She is a delightful canine torpedo of a Boston terrier. Before I arrived at Stella's house, considerable talk had occurred along the lines of What To Do Since Nance Was A Cat Person. I was horrified to discover that a contingency plan had been made to stow Stella away with her Grandmother in the adjoining "Mother-in-law Suite" in case I didn't appreciate her presence.
Of course, that was a Gracious and Hospitable thing to do, but the idea of separating a loving pet from her owners would have made me feel like the worst sort of villain. Besides, I already have a Dog Niece, a cute little Corgi mix named Abbi, for whom I carry tiny biscuits in my car at all times. Truth be known, I like dogs very much as a Spectator Sport. I simply know that owning one is not for me. Dogs, as I have stated many times before, are too worky. I view all dogs as a sort of Grandchild Entity: I enjoy them for purely temporary entertainment purposes and selfishly. Then they can go home with their pet parents and I can retreat to my cats, who, except for Hair Maintenance and Shitboxes, require little of me.
It seems, however, that now I will indeed have a Dog Grandchild, a Granddog, I guess. Sam and Jared, housemates now, have adopted a dog. Did I offer lots of Motherly Advice and do My Part, pointing out the various pitfalls of dog ownership at this stage in their lives? La, it is to laugh. I brought up their odd work schedules, the fact that they live on the second floor, the expense of vet bills, the way a dog needs to be exercised in all kinds of weather--even lousy NEO weather--and yada yada yada. Sam, as usual, said nothing. Jared said, "Mom. Do you think every dog owner in the USA is at home with their dog 24/7 and has a million dollars? This won't involve you at all. We're not kids anymore. It's okay."
So much of that is true that it hurts. It hurts because he is right and I am being a big fat idiot. Who needs to butt out.
You will all be happy to know that I did precisely that. I butted out, and better than that, even, I Got On Board With The Dog Happening. We all went--even St. Patsy--to buy food, dishes, collar, lead, toys, and treats at the store. And can I just say something about the topic and item known as a Dog Bed?
Whoever is in charge of Dog Bed Pricing is a genius. This cartel is making money hand over fist and making it in skyscraper-like stacks. I have never seen something so outrageous as the price of Dog Beds. When I bought cat beds, I spent no more than ten dollars ($10.00 US currency) per cat bed. You cannot buy a large Dog Bed for less than FIFTY DOLLARS ($50.00 US currency). I'd like to quote the clerk in the pet store when I say, "Right? Like...why? For...what?" And that is for the most basic, no-frills, bigass pillow on the floor type thing. Any decent Dog Bed is going to run you at least EIGHTY BUCKS. I could not contain my outrage nor my incredulity. One Dog Bed we looked at was simply a cat bed on steroids. Period. IT WAS ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. FOR A DOG COVERED IN DOG HAIR TO LIE IN. POSSIBLY AFTER POOPING OUTDOORS AND LICKING ITSELF.
When did this happen? Who did this? And, more importantly, how do I get a cut?
Anyway, the best thing ever was a Pet Store employee who told us to go to a local buyout outlet. "It's ridiculous," she said. "You'll do much better there, at least half off, and get a brand-name bed." We went, and we got a Serta Dog Bed with a washable cover. A Serta. For a Dog. And it was still a ridiculous price, in my estimation, although way cheaper than anything we'd seen anyplace else.
Listen, if there is anyone out there who wants to go into business with me and sell affordable, good quality Dog Beds at a reasonable price, I am IN, one hundred percent. You be the seamstress/tailor, and I'll research and design/develop. We will rake in the cash; I am not kidding. The world needs high-quality Dog Beds at a fair price. Go ahead and check out Dog Beds online. You'll see what I mean.
Oh, and yes, like all good grandmothers everywhere, I do have a picture. Here he is. Meet my new one-year old Granddog, Zydrunas. He will be joining the family as of Friday, 9 May, rescued from the Cleveland APL, where he is being neutered and vetted before coming to his Forever Home and ridiculously overpriced Dog Bed.
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