|by Marc Petrovic and Tim Tate|
In August 2012 AD, the Dept. of Nance, written by a former teacher, celebrates seven years of being a source of...well, something for human beings here on the Interwebs. In its existence for the past seven years, no doubt it has encouraged and celebrated some sinfulness here and there. In the spirit of Evagrius Ponticus and Sinners everywhere, I would like to 'fess up--in spirit--to seven each of the Seven Deadlies.
1. Pride/Vanity: I'm vain about everything, as Readers all know, but inordinately so about my shoes (which must match my outfit); my clothes (which must be impeccable ensembles); my reading glasses (which must match my shoes and outfit); my hair (which I am at war with constantly); my eyelashes (Bug, where is the Mascara Spreadsheet?); my cats, who remain overweight despite their pricey diet food (and getting no treats or table food--so embarrassing); and the appearance of each post in this blog (it's exhausting, really).
2. Envy: This is a tough one. I'm not generally an envious person, although I do wish I had the blogger book deal, the wherewithal to go on a world cruise, a warm-climate winter getaway home, the ability to eat and not get fat (like Sam's girlfriend seems to be able to!)...(See? This is turning into what I wish, and not really a list of Envies.) I'm envious of people who have a really good sense of direction, who like to take photos and have them organized, and who don't have the Worry Gene. Because I do.
3. Gluttony: I don't eat like I used to be able to, and my food cravings change. But we all have foods we love. Seven of mine are: Lobster, Avocados, Fresh-cut French Fries, Duck, Asparagus, Risotto, and Nutella. Still Nutella.
4. Lust: Sometimes I find myself attracted to the oddest men. Other times, they fit My Type exactly. Here are seven men I find attractive, and a few are just big question marks, honestly: Daniel Day-Lewis, Rob Lowe, Pau Gasol, Hugh Laurie, Robert Herjavec (from TV's Shark Tank), Anderson Varejao, and Richard Engel.
5. Anger: Lots of stuff makes me mad. You and I both know that the short answer here could be "republicans" and I'd be done. But that wouldn't be fair. So, without getting too peevish, I'll say the USA's poor mentality about education funding in general; the way society bashes teachers; the downward spiral of quality in journalism, especially among broadcast/television media; the glorification of bad behavior in society, namely via so-called "reality programming"; the breathtaking sense of entitlement among people in the past 20 years; the astonishing attempt by some politicians to demote women to second-class citizens by abrogating their rights; and the unreasonable and inexplicable discrimination against gay citizens of our country.
6. Greed: This is the desire for material wealth or gain while ignoring the realm of the godly. And while I pretty much observe the latter, I'm not the Quintessential Material Girl in that I don't wear jewelry or care about designer clothes or give a hoot about driving a Beemer and all that baloney. Are there even seven materialistic things I want, say, before I die? I would love a Viking range, a Kitchen Aid ice cream attachment for my mixer, a shopping spree in Sur la Table or Crate and Barrel, someone to come in and repaint the inside of my house for free, and oh hell! While I'm at it, how about someone just gives me a summer home in Niagara-on-the-Lake? Wouldn't that be nice? Oh yeah, with a vineyard!
7. Sloth: According to everyone I meet, I have this one covered. As soon as anyone hears I have Retired, the very next thing out of his or her mouth is, "Oh! And what are you doing now?" It's become incredibly embarrassing to say "Nothing." When did Retirement come to mean Moved On To Next Big Fucking Busy Work Thing? Because I retired in order to Be Done Working. Here are seven things I'm NOT doing: grading papers; calling parents of highschoolers; holding my pee for three hours because it's not my conference period or lunch period yet; having a 12-hour day because of parent conferences; buying my own supplies to the tune of a couple hundred bucks a year; pulling together a semester's worth of makeup work in one day for a kid who has been absent and failing but is entitled to his makeup work even though I know he will never turn it in; running to four different copy machines to find one that works in order to copy a test that I am giving that day since I tried to copy it all day yesterday to no avail. Ahhh, yes. Sloth. I'm still, as far as Work Outside The Home Goes, diggin' the Sloth.
Now that I've suitably shocked and dishonored the memories of both Evagrius Ponticus and Gregory I, I invite you to help me celebrate my Blogiversary and do the same. What are some of your Deadlies? (Or, if you don't want to share, you may merely comment upon mine.) And, oh, do have some cake. But don't be Greedy and make a pig of yourself.